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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU My chief bridesmaid has only invited me to her evening reception

95 replies

whodis · 09/08/2019 15:46

My wedding was four years ago, and since then have had two DC. Had three bridesmaids at wedding, my two DS and closest friend. Haven’t seen a whole lot of said friend as she has been travelling and finishing her degree but still keep in touch, but we are not as close as we were. Just received an evening only invitation for DH and myself to her wedding in December. Was hoping for an all day invitation. Her bridesmaids are going to be her single best friends (2). AIBU?

OP posts:

womenspeakout · 09/08/2019 16:31

Wow, even if you aren't as close as you were, you still were best friends and are still friends, if she's having a big church wedding, I don't see why you've only been given an evening invite.

I would be incredibly hurt too.

Original poster

whodis · 09/08/2019 16:33

Its an evening reception with a band and a buffet, I think. Starts at 7pm. We don’t see each other as often as we once did, but for me, when we do see each other it’s like we’ve never not seen each other. It’s very easy. It will be a lot to travel there, but if we don’t go, I wouldn’t want to hurt her over this. She was the best bridesmaid anyone could ask for.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 16:35

The choice of attendants is based on the relationship as it is today, not as it was in the past. And even less so because someone was their bridesmaid/MoH. The friend who was my MoH and I just drifted apart a few years after I married as our lives went in different directions. I would have been absolutely stunned to have been asked to be an attendant at her wedding.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2019 16:37

It's natural to grow apart; you've had kids and settled down and she's been travelling the world.

You say yourself you're not as close as you were. She has at least invited you; I'd go and wish her well (and have a fun time).

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/08/2019 16:39

To be fair she isn't obligated to make you bridesmaid or prioritise you as a guest just because she was your bridesmaid. You asked her because she was your best friend, and in similar fashions shes asked those that she's closest to.

timshelthechoice · 09/08/2019 16:39

She won't be hurt. She probably won't even notice. I think it's cheeky AF to expect evening guests to travel long distances for just the evening do. You are over-thinking this. She won't give it a second thought if you're not there, evening do invitations are for the 'don't care if they're there or not' crowd. But if you have spare money laying round to spunk on it, by all means go. Did they ask for money as a gift on top of this?

Gwynfluff · 09/08/2019 16:41

My best friend (in my mind, it transpires) of 15 years didn’t invite me on her 30th bday/away hen do joint girls abroad trip. I’d just had a baby and had another young child - the rest were child free. She didn’t even pretend she wanted me there but fudge it that I’d never manage due to my young family.

Hurt like hell for a year after and I then reassessed and moved on. Realised I had better friends, I’m on my way now to a weekend with them both. It was over 10 years ago now. But I get the hurt.

Original poster

whodis · 09/08/2019 16:42

She has a wedding gift registry at John Lewis.

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 09/08/2019 16:42

You really don't have to do an overnight stay for a 90 minutes journey.
Could you make a day of it? Go out for lunch as a couple or find a nice place to spend the day, go to the evening reception and leave at 10.30 if you dont want to be home too late.

Lilyrose90 · 09/08/2019 16:42

YANBU it’s plain rude

Chilledout11 · 09/08/2019 16:43

I would be very hurt unless it was an immediate family wedding or something. As it's a big ocassion I would leave it and move on.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 09/08/2019 16:44

I can understand her not asking you to be part of the bridal party, but I would still have expected you to invited to the full day. It's very hurtful of her, but lovely that you're going to go to the evening do as for me it would pretty much be the end of the friendship.

BeanBag7 · 09/08/2019 16:46

Also you dont have to buy a gift, especially as an evening only guest. I dont think many of our evening guests got us a gift or if they did it was just a £10 thing.

If you can afford the petrol to go, plus a couple of drinks, and you have a free babysitter it really doesnt have to cost must.

Figgygal · 09/08/2019 16:47

Yup 1.5 hours each way in those circumstances no chance id go

DeadButDelicious · 09/08/2019 16:52

My SIL did something very similar to me. I included her in the wedding party as she was family (and it was made very clear to me by my now in laws that to not have her as a bridesmaid wasn't an option) yet when her wedding rolled around I wasn't involved at all.

I don't think YABU to be a bit hurt by it, it does sting.

TSSDNCOP · 09/08/2019 16:59

Dead same here. Zero shits given on my part though

Drum2018 · 09/08/2019 17:01

She has a wedding gift registry at John Lewis

Please say she didn't send the list with a bloody evening invite. That would be downright rude - you're not good enough to come to the full wedding day but you can still buy a gift of my choosing If I was bothered to make the effort to go I'd give a card and a bottle of fizz.

NameChangedForTheDay · 09/08/2019 17:02

YANBU.

My chief bridesmaid / best friend did similar. She didn't ask me to be her BM (her choice, but it hurt), I then got shoved out of organising the hen weekend (that she'd given me as a consolation prize for not being BM), due to her befriending an utterly vile woman at her workplace who just took over everything.

I was then asked to organise the local hen night, as vile woman was now organising hen weekend and it was abroad (best friend insisted my own hen weekend wasn't abroad as it wasn't fair to guests). On the hen weekend, vile woman started on most of the hens while drunk and had a huge run in with best friend's sister.

On the day of the wedding, vile woman turns up in a 50s style white dress, best friends wedding dress is 50s style.

Got to reception, we'd been shoved on a table so far at the back that we couldn't hear or see the top table. Vile woman was on a table at the front (I swear she got involved with table planning) and proceeded to drunkenly heckle the speeches.

A few months after the wedding, my best friend realised this vile woman for what she was and dropped her. I was just gutted that it ruined my memories of her hen and wedding.

Try not to let it poison things if you wish to maintain a friendship. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you need to ask if it's worth losing her over.

Woollycardi · 09/08/2019 17:08

Yep that would have hurt me too, and would cause a reassessment of our friendship. I don't think you should worry too much about the gift registry, but the invite to the evening do is a strong message that you are not in her A-list any more. But you once were on each other's, so that is something to be thankful for, even though it sounds like she has moved on. Go along, have a lovely time, accept that you have both changed, go home to your family and get on with your life.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 09/08/2019 17:09

YANBU my bridesmaid was a shitty bridesmaid and then didn't invite me to her wedding at all. I told her where she could stick her friendship and haven't spoken to her since. Can't say I miss her, it's been about 3 years?

Original poster

whodis · 09/08/2019 17:13

Yes she did send the list with the evening invitation. Sorry if I’m not posting this in correct place (new to this). Also, just clarifying for some posters, it never entered my head that I would be her bridesmaid. But when the invitation came through I thought, great, here’s the wedding invitation. Eh, evening only. Ah.

OP posts:

HouseworkAvoider10 · 09/08/2019 17:16

I wouldn't go.
Then you don't need to do a pressie either.
F T S.

gamerchick · 09/08/2019 17:19

Evening invite means no present. A nice card does. If you can get a babysitter then use it as a night away with your bloke. It's a win win then. I wouldn't bother otherwise.

rookiemere · 09/08/2019 17:21

I think it's rude to invite an old friend to the evening do only. I know some people are very anti evening guests, but I invited some work friends who lived fairly local and to me that's fine, but just plain wrong for anyone who has to travel and definitely for someone who had the B2B as their bridesmaid , no matter how far you've drifted apart.

MrsSpenserGregson · 09/08/2019 17:22

I'd be hurt too.

DH's best man - his oldest and closest friend - didn't invite us to his wedding at all. DH was gutted. So was I tbh, as he's a lovely bloke - I think his wife decided who was going to be there (only family plus one set of friends from each side).

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