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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU My chief bridesmaid has only invited me to her evening reception

95 replies

whodis · 09/08/2019 15:46

My wedding was four years ago, and since then have had two DC. Had three bridesmaids at wedding, my two DS and closest friend. Haven’t seen a whole lot of said friend as she has been travelling and finishing her degree but still keep in touch, but we are not as close as we were. Just received an evening only invitation for DH and myself to her wedding in December. Was hoping for an all day invitation. Her bridesmaids are going to be her single best friends (2). AIBU?

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 09/08/2019 17:29

Glad I didn't know about all this "evening only" bollocks when I got married.

Our ceremony was at about 10.45am. Reception immediatly after. We left reception about 3pm so we could go to the hotel for a nap and a shag . Met friends at a restaurant around 7.30pm. Was the best post-shag Chinese

Have never understood any of this bollocks about first dance (?!) afternoon, evening crap.

FuriousVexation · 09/08/2019 17:30

Probably because I've not been exposed to harmful gender expextations as a child.

popsadaisy · 09/08/2019 17:31

I would be upset. I'm not sure if she is being unreasonable because at the end of the day I guess it's her choice and her wedding but I also don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset by it.

Vasya · 09/08/2019 17:33

I can see why you're hurt but it also sounds like your relationship has changed since she was your bridesmaid.

TheWildAndTheCurious · 09/08/2019 17:34

I'd be hurt by that too. My bridesmaid and close friend who I see most days at work only invited me to her evening so as well. I guess we're not as close as I thought we were. Was expected to go on both her hen do's though, including one abroad!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/08/2019 17:35

I'm not having evening guests. Or a first dance or any of that... but I don't necessarily think evening guests are not cared about.

I wouldn't buy a gift as an evening guest though, not if you're travelling from 90 minutes away!

Mrsmadevans · 09/08/2019 17:38

'I wouldn't go.
Then you don't need to do a pressie either.
F T S.'
This!

Davespecifico · 09/08/2019 17:39

It’s the gift registry info with the evening invite that would annoy me.
I’d be tempted not to go.

EdWinchester · 09/08/2019 17:39

I wouldn’t go to an evening do. We had one guest list for whole day.

To me, an evening invitation is a bit of an insult.

DeadButDelicious · 09/08/2019 17:46

TSS, I was a bit at it given the fuss made about 'family' in the run up to our wedding but over all I reckon I dodged a bullet. 😂

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/08/2019 17:47

I wouldn't be particularly offended TBH, OP. The friendship has changed, as friendships do.

Nor would I necessarily be too fussed about accepting an evening-only invitation. If the effort is lacklustre on both sides, I'd simply send a card wishing them well and a token gift.

LaurieMarlow · 09/08/2019 18:00

I would be hurt by this too. However I’d probably still go.

bristolianpielover · 09/08/2019 18:17

I'd be hurt by this. It happened to another friend of mine and she was really hurt. Unless you're having a really small wedding party then this is fairly shitty behaviour

JeanieJardine55 · 09/08/2019 18:18

I think an evening invite is fine for work mates or neighbours as long as you have a decent evening buffet and preferably a free drink on arrival. For this I would give a token gift and a card. It’s no use for anyone who has to travel. It would have been nice for her to invite you to the whole thing. I wouldn’t go personally.

BloomingHydrangea · 09/08/2019 18:22

Decline. I have only twice been invited to an evening do and I declined. The ceremony is the most important part to me anything else is faff.

Mymycherrypie · 09/08/2019 18:26

That does sound quite gutting. She can invite who she likes of course but yanbu to feel hurt at all.

timshelthechoice · 09/08/2019 18:30

A gift list with an evening invitation that includes 3-hours of travel to attend? Nah. As I said, she will not be hurt if you don't go and if she's is, she's a CFer to expect people to travel that distance for a poxy evening do and bring a fucking JL gift as well .

I'd send a card and maybe a £20 JL voucher.

likeacrow · 09/08/2019 18:39

The ceremony is the most important part to me anything else is faff.
Conversely, for some people the ceremony can be pretty tedious, especially if it's religious, and the party afterwards can be the best bit!
I've been invited to an old friend's evening do a good hour and a half away and I'm so looking forward to it. (Having said that, he wasn't a bridesmaid at my wedding...)

Sunflower20 · 09/08/2019 18:59

I wouldn't bother. Why would you go? If she didn't feel bad about inviting you to the evening do only, then you should not feel bad about turning it down and trust me.

Sunflower20 · 09/08/2019 18:59

she won't be offended either

catsbeensickagain · 09/08/2019 19:06

Poor you - I get that people drift but it really does hurt doesn't it. I had two bridesmaids when I got married, my best friends from university. We all moved to different parts of the country but stayed in close touch. We continued to go to each other's big events e.g. both came to my son's baptism. Then one of them got married, asked the other to be her bridesmaid and didn't even invite me to the wedding (huge do with over 200 in Scottish castle). I was so hurt........and then to put the lid on it she asked my friend to re-wear the bridesmaid's dress I had bought them both for my wedding.
That felt so deliberate that presumably I have done something wrong but neither I nor out mutual friend know what it was to this day over 16 years later.

Jayaywhynot · 09/08/2019 19:35

We have a rule, if we're not close enough to be invited to the whole wedding we dont need to be there at all. Never been to the evening only part of a wedding, never would. I'd be insulted if I were you

elessar · 09/08/2019 22:00

I can understand why you're hurt but it does sound like your friendship has changed. I was bridesmaid for a friend a couple of years ago but if I got married now I don't think she would even get an invite to the wedding - she treated me quite badly over a few things subsequently and though we stayed friends we drifted apart and don't speak now.

I know that's not your situation but I guess the point is that a lot can change in a few years and if you see each other so rarely now maybe she doesn't see you as a close friend anymore. I do understand that stings but I wouldn't be offended.

I never understand the Mumsnet angst about evening invites, I've never found them offensive - unless there's some big back story then it's just an invite to a celebration.

Cherry4weans · 10/08/2019 00:06

My oldest friend invited me to evening only and held her wedding on my daughters first birthday. My (who I thought was) best friend picked a person she'd known for less than a year and her next door neighbour to be bridesmaid. Yanbu to feel how you are feeling but unfortunately neither are they for having their own choices :(

Eledamorena · 10/08/2019 01:26

Not unreasonable to be hurt. But it does sound like things have changed between you.

One of the ushers at our wedding only invited us to the evening do at his wedding, just a year after ours. I took it on the chin (husband's friend, not mine). Another year on and they were barely in touch.

I was maid of honour for a very close friend who got divorced and when she remarried she had just one bridesmaid and it wasn't me! We were (and are) still close but this other friend kind of fitted better with her newer circle. I did a reading at the church service. I think she was nervous to tell me I wouldn't be a bridesmaid but it was fine. Weddings can be weird, complicated, political things!!

But, as I say, not unreasonable to be hurt. Go if you can, don't if it's too difficult with childcare etc. But try not to let it become a cause of tension between you and your friend.

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