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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to do DD's hair in the morning?

60 replies

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 09/08/2019 07:24

I leave home for work at 6.30am; DH, who works from home, gets the kids up later and takes DD (3) to nursery and her brothers to school. I get lunches and clothes ready the night before and plait DD's shoulder-length, curlyish hair to keep it from tangling while she sleeps. He gives them breakfast, gets them dressed and out the door. But he NEVER does DD's hair. She spends all day with her sweaty unbrushed hair in a half-undone plait, flapping round her face and making her even hotter (we live in a hot country and it's min 35° every day.) I've asked him lots of times to deal with it and shown him easy ways to tie/clip her hair up that take about 3 seconds to do, but he just won't. He says it takes too long in the mornings and we should just cut it all off short until she's old enough to do it herself. This is just him being a lazy numpty in my view; besides, she has pretty hair and I don't want it cut off. Who is BU?

OP posts:
SummerInTheVillage · 09/08/2019 07:31

If he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him.

Long hair sounds horribly impractical if it's so hot. Maybe he's right about her having it cut.

What does she think?

Sirzy · 09/08/2019 07:32

Is it really a practical hairstyle for the weather?

BobbleHat102 · 09/08/2019 07:36

YANBU ...what a lazy man! Does he think brushing female hair somehow threatens his masculinity or is he normally this bone idle with other things too?

It would be very mean to cut off her hair. It won't be long before she starts to notice that other little girls are different to her, if she has very short hair. My parents forced a pudding bowl cut on my sister up to age 10 because she hated brushing. It caused untold distress because of the consequent bullying. Don't do that to your child!

LL83 · 09/08/2019 07:40

Yabu. Won't do her any harm and she won't be more sweaty or uncomfortable because of it.

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 09/08/2019 07:41

I feel cooler in my long hair - it can all be tied back and is off my face and neck.

If he won’t, could you experiment with a hair net / hair spray to keep it up in the plait better? My mum used to tightly plait ours the night before and it wasn’t redone before school.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 09/08/2019 07:42

YANBU. Why can't he help her with her hair? Children notice each other's hair and she probably hates the feeling of having messy hair. Even if she had a short haircut it would still need brushing in the morning.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 09/08/2019 07:43

m.youtube.com/watch?v=VBkYy0R-CXc

Show him this! Problem solved Grin

My poor dad really struggled when we were kids and I had days of a very lopsided pony tail but at least he tried!

YobaOljazUwaque · 09/08/2019 07:44

If it needs doing then yes he should do it. There's a few you tube videos of dad hacks for daughters hair that are entertaining and might inspire him?

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2019 07:44

He is being lazy. He could easily brush it and put in a high ponytail with a hairband.

Hahaha88 · 09/08/2019 07:45

Of course he's bu. It's part of the morning routine. Even if you cut it short she'll need it brushing in the morning so how is it any easier?
I'm shocked anyone's saying yabu and you can't make him. What if he didn't want to brush her teeth because of not having enough time or whichever lame excuse he has?

Bythebeach · 09/08/2019 07:46

Well surely she’d be a lot cooler with short hair in 35 degree heat.

transformandriseup · 09/08/2019 07:46

Can’t he at least brush it and put it in a pony tail for her? I had similar hair throughout primary and had my hair in a messy plait from the night before, looking back it looked awful. Maybe it could be cut a bit shorter and then it wouldn’t tangle so much at night? Not too short though.

AnguaResurgam · 09/08/2019 07:48

If a plait is so sweaty that it is causing overheating and distress to your DD, then he is right and she should have it cut (into a short, attractive style, there is no need for short hair to be fugly)

If it is simply the case that you think it is messy later in the day, but everyone else is perfectly happy with it, then I think you need to let this one go.

bonbonours · 09/08/2019 07:50

Totally unreasonable of him, there is no reason why men can't do girls' hair. My dh has never really had to do it much as I have always been around in the mornings but he will have had a go if necessary. Also I agree that having short hair (unless it's a buzz cut!) is hotter than long hair tied back properly.

ColaFreezePop · 09/08/2019 07:51

If he had or has similar hair to your DD then he has a point.

My DP had similar hair to DSD when he was young so knows if it is past a certain length it needs brushing at least 3 times a day to stop tangling plus being put up.

Her mother has different hair and thought when DSD was 6 it was a good idea to let her grow it long. DSD could brush and wash her own hair from 5 if it was short, but when it grows past a certain length she can't so an adult has to take over. Her mother didn't realise and didn't brush it enough for her, so when it got tangled she took her to get her hair cut.

DSD has a bob like when she was much younger and is happy with it. As it grows she has to use hair clips to keep bits out if her eyes. After about a month of an adult doing it for her she insisted on putting them in herself.

Sosososotired · 09/08/2019 07:53

I find long hair cooler as it can be tied up. Surprised at posters saying about cutting it short! That would make her neck hotter. And yes he should be doing her hair. He’s being lazy! It really isn’t hard to do a ponytail!

Singleandproud · 09/08/2019 07:55

Whilst I agree with you that he is being lazy, pixie cuts on little girls can be very sweet. DDhas chosen to wear short hair since she was 3 / 4 (10 now) its much much quicker in the morning, no knots to deal with etc. But only do it if DD wants to.

tomatoesandstew · 09/08/2019 07:58

There are two different issues

  1. doing a child's hair is a basic parental duty and it's pretty retrograde to just refuse to do it or learn how to do it unless he thinks he's living in the 1950s. My dad used to do my hair and it was a really nice bonding thing to do.

  2. long hair is a pain in hot countries but OH country is 40-50 degrees in summer and plenty of women and girls chose to have long hair and deal with is by putting it up. i have had my hair cut into a bob as it was straggly when every other girl had long hair and i was pretty distressed. I guess you could ask your daughter if she fancies a change? but if she says no then your partner needs to be a parent and do her hair - even if he just learns one hairstyle.

tired17 · 09/08/2019 08:02

My DH looked after my DD's a lot when they were younger and would do all aspects of their care but, like yours couldn't manage their hair, they always looked like they'd been pulled through a hedge backwards!

I came to the conclusion that there were two underlying problems, one that doing hair was so far outside his experience that he didn't know or understand where to start and the other which was possibly more important was that he was scared of hurting them. I grew up having my hair brushed and knew that sometimes it hurts a bit but he'd always had short hair so hadn't gone through that and didn't want to hurt them.

(The combinations of clothes he chose for them is another story!)

Hmmmbop · 09/08/2019 08:04

Its neglectful! He needs to tend to all of her needs, including doing her hair. It is basic parenting. Cutting it off will not negate the need to brush it and make it look neat. Short hair can take as long as long hair!

ColaFreezePop · 09/08/2019 08:17

@tired17 I can tell with my friends' DDs which parent has dressed them.

Troels · 09/08/2019 08:25

Our neighbour used to go on a ladies week away once a year and her Dh was terrible at doing the Dd's curly long hair. She used to come over to me with her brush and bobbles and I plaited it for school that week, took 5 mins tops. Eventually he got better at it and did it himself.
I wonder if you put a hairbrush in her nursery bag if it looks really bad will the nursery worker tidy it up for her. My Dd's Kindergarten teacher used to do a couple of girls with their own brushes when they needed it.

francienolan · 09/08/2019 08:29

I had very long hair as a child and it would have been very upsetting for it to be cut without my asking for it. Of course my dad actually took care of me which included doing my hair.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 09/08/2019 08:50

Lazy, selfish and shortsighted.

Dads doing their daughter’s hair is a lovely bonding experience.

As an adult she’ll look back in the fact her Dad did her hair as a sign he cared for her.

He’s denying her all of that as well all the practical stuff and looking her best at school.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 09/08/2019 08:54

There was a thread recently about if Dads stay close to their teenage daughters.

One poster said that that evening her DH had helped his 15 yo daughter brush and style her extensions.

It really warmed my heart!

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