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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to do DD's hair in the morning?

60 replies

leaveitaloneforgodssake · 09/08/2019 07:24

I leave home for work at 6.30am; DH, who works from home, gets the kids up later and takes DD (3) to nursery and her brothers to school. I get lunches and clothes ready the night before and plait DD's shoulder-length, curlyish hair to keep it from tangling while she sleeps. He gives them breakfast, gets them dressed and out the door. But he NEVER does DD's hair. She spends all day with her sweaty unbrushed hair in a half-undone plait, flapping round her face and making her even hotter (we live in a hot country and it's min 35° every day.) I've asked him lots of times to deal with it and shown him easy ways to tie/clip her hair up that take about 3 seconds to do, but he just won't. He says it takes too long in the mornings and we should just cut it all off short until she's old enough to do it herself. This is just him being a lazy numpty in my view; besides, she has pretty hair and I don't want it cut off. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Fruitloopcowabunga · 09/08/2019 08:58

My DD has waist length hair. DH brushes and plaits it 4 days a week when, like you, I go to work early. And I complain that he never re-does her parting! He doesn't enjoy faffing with her hair but, like others have said, it's just a part of parenting and you get on with it.

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2019 09:07

OP, how do you know what your DDs hair looks like before she goes to school if you're not there? It might look ok and not actually need redoing. I see children come into school with immaculate hair and by break time they look like they've been in a hair pulling competition and lost!
Not brushing hair in the morning is not neglect!
There's nothing in the parent rule book that says girls have to have long hair/boys have to have short hair. If you're so adamant that she follows a gender stereotype and has long hair, against your DH a wishes, then you're going to have to work this out for yourself. Maybe have her hair braided in 4 French plaits so it stays in longer? This is how I managed my DDs hair.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 09/08/2019 09:09

you're so adamant that she follows a gender stereotype and has long hair, against your DH a wishes,

I think the child’s wishes about her hair are the most important here!

TwistyTop · 09/08/2019 09:16

What does your DD think of her hair? Maybe ask her if she'd like it short? Although I wouldn't advise it - I also live in a very hot country and have found that short hair is worse because you can't tie it up to get it off your neck.

Your DH is being a bit silly. Can't he just wake up 2 mins earlier and put her hair into simple a ponytail? I understand him feeling out of his depth with a lot of hairstyles, but surely a ponytail is manageable?

Mushroomparty · 09/08/2019 09:21

Don't cut it short !! It'll be impossible to tie up and she'll feel so much hotter, with hair down the neck, side of face or whatever.
If the hair is plaited at night, all he has to do is undo the bobble, undo the plait, brush the hair, plait it back. Done. That should take 5 minutes.

Also, the plait can be tied up with a hair clip if it feels too hot on her neck / back.

Iggly · 09/08/2019 09:23

Men are not genetically programmed to be unable to deal with long hair.

Just sounds like he is lazy and only thinking of himself and his own convenience.

SarahTancredi · 09/08/2019 09:24

What a lazy arse. Brushing hair is pretty basic

And no I wouldn't chop it off . Short hair need brushing and styling too and of its curly then this easy manageable short style might not even exist for her.

If hair isnt brushed and washed properly then it gets messy and tangly regardless of length.

Angry fir you ,op

gingersausage · 09/08/2019 09:30

He’s pathetic. Unless he’s missing limbs which render him incapable of holding a hairbrush, then penis possession does not equate to an inability to brush and put up hair.

What’s with all the bonding bollocks? Does anyone thinks mother is “bonding” with her child when she brushes its hair? Of course they don’t, but as usual fathers have to get a medal for basic tasks like getting children ready for school. I’m so glad I chose to procreate with an actual equal rather than a useless loser.

gingersausage · 09/08/2019 09:32

I’ve just re-read the OP; why the fuck are you doing lunches and clothes the night before as well. What does he actually do that’s of any use to you? Let me guess...he’s a “great dad” 🙄.

sirfredfredgeorge · 09/08/2019 09:33

His solution (cut it short) is just as legitimate as yours (spend time every morning) - Your daughter is presumably too young to express an opinion, your reasons against the cut solution was about your view of what is pretty.

Whilst he should do the hair, he shouldn't do it just 'cos you think it looks pretty.

Theflying19 · 09/08/2019 09:34

Of course he should do her hair. Why on earth wouldn't he? Would he let her out without her basic grooming such as teeth brushed and wearing clothes?

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 09/08/2019 09:34

Does anyone thinks mother is “bonding

Yes, I do.

WhyBirdStop · 09/08/2019 09:37

If her hair is curly it will be harder to manage short, as the weight currently will be pulling the curls down. I used to go to DF when I wanted my hair plaited DMs efforts used to fall out and were wonky, DFs were tight, immaculate and stayed in all day, he could also do a couple of unusual types, as an adult I asked him how he got to be so good at plaiting hair (this was before the internet and he has five brothers) , he said it's the same as splicing a rope! If he can't get the hang of plaiting could he at least brush it?

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2019 09:41

He's being lazy. How hard is it to put her hair into a ponytail ffs?

SarahTancredi · 09/08/2019 09:41

His solution (cut it short) is just as legitimate as yours (spend time every morning)

If he wont brush it now then what the hell makes people think he will keep on top of regular trims and brushing it when it's short?

The advantage of long hair is that it can be brushed and plaited at night to reduce the tangles in the morning. Short hair depending on hair type could well be even more of a birds nest in the morning. And if you dont keep it maintained it can be harder work than long. They will be right back here is 6nweeks when its grown back too much and is sticking out funny or falling in her face.

imamearcat · 09/08/2019 09:41

That's bullshit. Why can't he do her hair!? It doesn't even sound that long.

He is being unreasonable,

Halloumimuffin · 09/08/2019 09:44

I grew up with a single dad who did my hair. We needed about an extra half an hour each morning for him to put it in a ponytail.

MrsTeaspoon · 09/08/2019 09:46

My exH refused to deal with hair, pathetic excuse that he didn’t know how to use a bobble!! Lazy and uncaring if children looked messy.
My father was born in the 1920s and was happy to do his daughters’ hair if need be, and my now DH carefully practiced until he became proficient. We deal with things for our sons that we don’t have personal experience of - it’s oathetic for Dads not to.

finn1020 · 09/08/2019 09:46

He’s slack, that’s just part of parenting. Would he also think he can’t be bothered giving her breakfast or cleaning teeth, keep her in yesterday’s clothes, etc? She’s a girl, her hair needs brushing regardless of length and he needs to be a proper parent and do it. What a lazy arse to say she can get it cut short so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Maybe suggest to him he get a buzz cut so he doesn’t have to brush his hair so he has time for his daughter. Super slack and lazy.

timeforawine · 09/08/2019 09:48

I think he's BU, my husband does our daughters hair more than i do, it's not hard for him to undo the plait, brush it and put it in a ponytail

Haworthia · 09/08/2019 09:49

Lazy.

He obviously thinks “doing hair” isn’t a father’s job.

Atalune · 09/08/2019 09:52

2 tight French plaits done overnight would be a good solution. Use a styling cream to hold the plaits in place.

Or what about a stretchy Alice Band for your DD to wear at nursery.

Applejack5 · 09/08/2019 09:52

YANBU

My DH does our daughter's hair when it's his turn to do the drop off and I'm already at work. He's not great at it but getting better with time and he can manage bunches or a ponytail.

I think it's neglectful to leave it, she needs it done!

Saying she needs to have it cut off because he can't be bothered to do it is ridiculous and very selfish.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 09:54

YANBU, lazy sod. My DH doesn’t know how to do a ponytail properly but he at least tries. I can’t believe he thinks sending her to nursery with scruffy hair is acceptable really, what will happen when she starts school?!

Fatted · 09/08/2019 09:56

Short hair does not make curly hair more manageable. It makes it worse. I say this as someone with curly hair who's mother made her cut it short. It would need to be a grade 3 or 4 to make it manageable.

I know my hair generally looks a bit shit when I've slept on it, but if I put it in braids it generally is passible the next day if needs be. Especially if I put product on it. Is this a case of he thinks her slept in hair looks OK whereas you would rather it looks just done? FWIW, my hair holds better to sleep in in pig tail plaits or braids than a big ponytail braid.

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