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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I broach this without upsetting my mum?

90 replies

OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 05:32

I'm living back at my mum's as I left my ex due to domestic abuse. I have a 9 month old who is now thriving in a warm and loving environment.

My mum likes to help me out, but gives me advice, every day. She talks to me about my routine, gives my son food without asking, baths him without telling me she's going to, spends a tonne of time googling things which drives me mad. She is so kind, and she's trying to help and take the strain off me. For some reason though I find it irritating and like she's almost taken the role of my baby's dad. She gives me advice when I don't ask for it and inadvertantly criticises if she thinks my routine is scatty. She begins her sentences with 'you need to do...' or 'you need to start...' or 'googe says...'

I really need to know if IABU in wanting her to back off, or if I just need to accept this. If IANBU, how do I kindly go about asking her to back off without really upsetting her? She's quite sensitive and nothing she does ever us out of unkindness or malice

OP posts:

Fillipe · 09/08/2019 05:46

YABU because you could just go and live elsewhere. I don't think you should expect people to change in their own home. But you could ask her (sensitively) to ask you before bathing or feeding baby.

BubblesBubbly · 09/08/2019 05:50

Move out

Original poster

OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 05:53

That's what my plan is but I can't just move out with a 9 month old overnight. This is only temporary. I was close to go into a refuge. I've been financially abused and have only just got access to my accounts again. I am going to move out as soon as I can though.

OP posts:

Fillipe · 09/08/2019 06:01

So your mum rescued you, she's very kind, baby is thriving in the warm and loving environment? And you repay her by talking about her behind her back on MN. YABVVU.

Original poster

OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 06:03

I'm asking for advice as it's hard being a new mum and feeling undermined all the time. But also knowing she's just trying to help. It's like everything I do is wrong. Even the way I hold him when I feed him. But yes maybe moving out is my best option and I will as soon as I can.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 06:10

I think it’s a bit unkind to say “ move out “ personally, I’m sure the Op realises her mum has been more than kind helping her out but she feels undermined.

Op try and talk to her. Thank her for everything she’s doing and tell her you appreciate it, maybe buy her some flowers or chocolates etc but gently tell her that you feel like she’s taking over with your baby and as well meaning as she is you’d rather her ask you in future.

BelulahBlanca · 09/08/2019 06:11

Enjoy having the extra support and your baby. Gently ask her to take a step back.

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 06:12

I think PP are being harsh.OP's unfortunate situation doesn't mean she forfeits all authority and autonomy.

YANBU to feel the way you do, OP, but I do think you need to tolerate this, at least up to a point. I think I would be responding with phrases like 'Thank you, Mum, that's really kind/helpful of you. When I do this I tend to...' or 'Oh, that's interesting, I hadn't read that. I read/My HV/midwife/GP/friend who's had several children told me...' So asserting your own POV as an equal to her, but without framing it as a conflict, iyswim. Always use 'I', not 'you' messages - 'I prefer to do it this way'.

Sometimes sensitivity/upset can be deployed to control. Are you sure that's not what's happening here? (If it is, I wouldn't necessarily recommend different tactics, but it is always good to see clearly). How has she been as a mother in general?

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 06:13

Sorry. 'OP's unfortunate situation...'

Original poster

OoohMasala · 09/08/2019 06:14

It's not a control thing at all. She's wonderful. She's actually amazing and that's why it's hard to confront her. I like that advice though. The last thing I want is to upset her. I'm so sleep deprived I do worry I will snap at her one day and I would feel so guilty.

OP posts:

tjames100 · 09/08/2019 06:14

I know what people are saying but I do sympathise with your position. Maybe just talk to her as she probably doesn't realise that it's bothering you. Pick the two things that bother you the most and talk to her about them. Glad you have got out of your previous situation.

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 06:15

'This is the way that works for me' is another good phrase, that can be deployed on a stuck record, with a smile.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 09/08/2019 06:16

Mum I really appreciate all the support you've given us but I need to learn how to parent and care for the baby myself and let you enjoy the special role of granny who gets to do the occasional fun bits.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 09/08/2019 06:18

Are you on the housing register? What banding are you?

IdaBWells · 09/08/2019 06:21

It's human nature to do more of what we get praised for, so if at all possible praise behaviour you like. So if your mum watches you do something with DC and says nothing say "Mum, thanks so much for watching me when I do something new with the baby, it's great to know you have confidence in me". It may be subconscious but if you give her a smile and a hug when she relates to you in the way you like she will repeat it.

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 06:22

I'd be reluctant to have a chat about/make an issue of it in the way some PP are suggesting, btw. From what you say, OP, it sounds as if that scenario is likely to come across as criticism/confrontation and cause upset, and I think, for a situation that's temporary, this is not what anyone needs. I think it's probably more helpful to consistently and non-confrontationally assert yourself in the small interactions.

Your mum is likely to have difficult feelings about the situation you're in and it may be that she is reverting to the 'she can't/won't cope' thing that some parents, particularly anxious/sensitive types, do end up falling into, and this is how it's coming out, augmented by a good dose of 'enthusiastic first-time grandmother'. You're not going to untangle this in the situation you are in, when your focus needs to be getting back on your feet (and moving out when feasible).

swingofthings · 09/08/2019 06:23

If you rely on her to help, get up in the mornings, take you baby out for you to have a rest, babysit so you can go out, you need to suck it up. If you do everything and she only tells you what to do, then acceptable to say to her you need a bit of mental space to find things out by yourself.

TheChain · 09/08/2019 06:23

Ignore the other posters who are saying “move out” or implying you have to put up with things that are making you unhappy because you’re temporarily in her home 🙄

Its obvious you had to move in with your mum out of desperation and because there was no other choice. Kind as she’s being, you need to talk to her about how it’s making you feel.

I’ve been in a similar situation and had to move back in with my mum. I also felt she tried to take over the parenting time of my DCs which was both unpleasant and stressful for me.

In the end I snapped which resulted in us sitting down and having a long talk. I explained I felt she was taking over and though I knew she was doing it out of love and kindness, it was making me feel controlled, inadequate and anxious again.,, exactly the same reasons I left my ex to go to hers in the first place.

My mum was mortified when she realised and thought she was helping. She was worried I was stressed and emotional vulnerable, when the truth was I was getting stressed because I felt she was undermining my parenting.

My mum also said she enjoyed looking after the children so we came to the understanding that I would do all the practical parenting as I always had done and if I needed her help I would expressively ask, otherwise she was just there for normal Nana stuff such as cuddles and play time.

Just talk to her, I’m sure she thinks she’s being helpful and if she knew she was making you feel worse in an already terrible situation then she would be upset.

Bibijayne · 09/08/2019 06:28

YANBU and a few PP have been quite cruel. Having been in an abuse situation, feeling undermined can harm you're chances of getting over the abuse. Even if the undermining is not intended and only done out of kindness.

I think explaining that you need to learn how to be a mum is a good idea. Maybe find something that is useful that she wouldn't mind helping with that you can redirect her towards.

ivykaty44 · 09/08/2019 06:51

Ask your mum if you can chat

Then tell her she is so wonderful with her grandchild and you like the way she interacts with them
You are finding if really hard to be told how to be a mother and would really appreciate if she held of with the advice on how to be a mum, the you need to do this is causing you upset

You are so wonderful for taking us in and it’s great being in a secure safe environment with so much live etc

Don’t let it build up, tell her how your feeling but give her a shit sandwich/ nice but she’s doing wrong nice

Rachelover40 · 09/08/2019 06:52

Fillipe
YABU because you could just go and live elsewhere. I don't think you should expect people to change in their own home. But you could ask her (sensitively) to ask you before bathing or feeding baby.
-----
What fillipe said.

By the way, you are not unreasonable to think and feel the way you do. It's what we all do. This one will pass.

TheChain · 09/08/2019 06:56

YABU because you could just go and live elsewhere
Yes because safe housing just magically appears overnight. Jesus some people really are clueless 🤦🏼‍♀️

user1480880826 · 09/08/2019 06:57

Your mum sounds quite overbearing. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask her to back off a little and let you make your own choices.

To the people who have told you that you’re being unreasonable and that you should just move out - did you actually read the OP’s original post? She just escaped domestic violence. Being at home with her mum and safe and comfortable surroundings is exactly what her and her baby need. It doesn’t mean she should out of with being treated like a clueless child by her mum (who is obviously trying very hard to help but not going about it in a very sensitive way).

Yutes · 09/08/2019 06:58

Not entirely what Fillipe said. Because I don’t really think coming to MN is the same as talking behind someone’s back.

I think the best thing you can do is thank her for her support and reiterate that you’re finding your feet, so google doesn’t know everything hope you’re doing ok OP

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 06:59

The Op has left an abusive partner. I’m hazarding a guess here that just going living elsewhere is not that easy!

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