How do I broach this without upsetting my mum?

[OoohMasala]

I'm living back at my mum's as I left my ex due to domestic abuse. I have a 9 month old who is now thriving in a warm and loving environment.

My mum likes to help me out, but gives me advice, every day. She talks to me about my routine, gives my son food without asking, baths him without telling me she's going to, spends a tonne of time googling things which drives me mad. She is so kind, and she's trying to help and take the strain off me. For some reason though I find it irritating and like she's almost taken the role of my baby's dad. She gives me advice when I don't ask for it and inadvertantly criticises if she thinks my routine is scatty. She begins her sentences with 'you need to do...' or 'you need to start...' or 'googe says...'

I really need to know if IABU in wanting her to back off, or if I just need to accept this. If IANBU, how do I kindly go about asking her to back off without really upsetting her? She's quite sensitive and nothing she does ever us out of unkindness or malice

I think it’s difficult to instil proper boundaries when you’re living with her. One thing you could try is to think out loud. Tell her what you have planned, what you’re doing and why. You don’t owe her an explanation, but it might demonstrate that you’ve got all this under control.

Have a grown up chat about boundaries. Its too easy for parents to treat an adult as a child when they're in their home and easy for adult children to revert to childhood patterns. Sit her down. Fill the conversation with how grateful you are how supportive she is talk about you being able to move on stronger and talk to her about what you want her to do and bring up less x, no y but can you do ....

Op, it's time to sit down and have a chat with your mum. She probably thinks she's supporting you, and she is, but now it's turning into her taking over. She may see you being in an emotionally difficult place because of what you've been though and she just wants to look after you.
I'd advise you draw up a weekly plan together along the lines of 'mum feed baby on Tuesday and Thursday, bath time at 6.30 me/mum alternate' that way there's no confusion about who's doing what. It may well be that you feel you must do everything, but I'd say you've been through a traumatic time, let your mum take care of you.

From her perspective you have needed rescuing because of your relationship. You may not seem to be handling the change and it sounds like your mum is trying to support you. Try to take the ‘help’ with a grain of salt

I agree that others have been harsh. Time to have a chat with your Mum, emphasis how much you appreciate her support but you don’t want to loss confidence as a parent and confuse your child. Set up some boundaries about what she can do to help if she wants. Think carefully about what that will be as you may appreciate the break from your child especially in the future when you are going it alone.

I agree you need to have a chat.
And choose to do it when you feel strong - rather than snapping because you are sleep deprived. Think of a few things you really want changed. And which things you can just ignore.
Maybe ask her to only come up with her daily "good ideas" at a certain time (maybe after lunch). And if possible remind her with some humour when she gets it wrong "is it lunchtime already, Mum?"

I don't have baby experience but I do have experience of a mum like this. Only you can really know what she would respond best to, but I would consider phrasing it as that she is wonderfully helpful but as a new mum you really need to be building up your confidence and learning to cope on your own and she can help you do that by taking a back seat. Frame it such that she would be doing something actively positive by backing off, basically.

@Fillipe

So your mum rescued you, she's very kind, baby is thriving in the warm and loving environment? And you repay her by talking about her behind her back on MN. YABVVU.

Talking behind her back? What a load of nonsense! How else do you ask people for advice? You do understand the point of forums?
The OP is obviously more than grateful to her mum, but she still needs to manage her situation.

She's worried about you.

You're her baby even though you are a grown-up woman with a child of your own.

She's trying to protect you.

Enjoy it - cut her a bit of slack. Is it really a big thing, her bathing your baby? I men, I can see how it must be driving you potty, but try to take a deep breath - you will relax, she will relax (a bit- she is in mother-bear mode wanting to take care of and protect you after all) and things will get easier.

Combine a bit of laidbackedness with WantLifeToBeBetter's suggestions.

She must have been worried sick about you in your domestic situation before - now she has a chance to cherish you. Whatever you decide to say - say it kindly.

Can I just make a comment from your Mum's point of view ? I'm an older mum of an adult daughter - I love my DD to bits, and if she was abused by her partner, my instinct would be to envelope her and her baby in my love and care. I'm sure I'd probably be like your Mum, rushing in to do things for you and the baby, and forgetting the boundaries. I'd be wanting to heal all her hurts and "make it better".

I can understand that you feel she is overstepping the mark, but if she is acting from love ( which I'm sure she is), a gently chat might be all that is needed. Remind her that you are getting your confidence back after your bad experience, and that you feel stronger to face the future now. Take back the control, but do it with care and consideration - you both sound lovely and I'm sure you and your Mum can come to an accord without any hurt feelings. Best wishes to you.

You need to move out and have your own space, and do you own thing.

Your mother is just doing her best for the both of you,it will be annoying if you have your own routines.

Be glad you have a lovely mum to take care of you, be glad you have the security of having someone be there for you. Imagine life on your own right now, imagine life without that support. It would be very hard. So hug her, say thank you and then take your baby out as much as possible until you have found somewhere else. (I would not go for a the chat idea, as you most likely simply hurt her feelings and cause resentment)

Hi OP, my mum kept accidentally referring to my son as 'my baby' when talking about him - was a bit odd. She also undermines me all the time - the only think that worked was saying 'he is my son, I am his mum and this is my house so please stop undermining me'.

You can say the same except without the house bit.

Grandmother and mum here. I had a DD live with me during pregnancy and for over a year after baby's birth. She was vulnerable and had been in an abusive relationship.
I very much knew she was baby's mother and respected that, but I do remember sometimes having to "Have a word with myself" because I could feel myself kinda naturally taking over with the baby, a)because DD was sad and tired and b) because it just sometimes felt easier. I've had several children, seen it all, and could do things which she seemed to find stressful.
She now lives independently, is a great mother, and I guess all I'm saying is that my help/interference came from a place of love. I just so wanted to help and for my GC to feel surrounded in love after his mum had such a tricky start.
I know you must be really frustrated sometimes but I would bet my bottom dollar that your mother is trying to make up for the crap experience you've been through and is trying to show how much she loves her GC so that you feel secure.
Try to be patient. Hopefully you'll have your own place soon and she can go back to "normal" granny duties.

That's mums for you! Mine did it to me but I swallowed it cos her heart was in the right place, everytime she does it try to swallow your annoyance, shes coming from a place of love. You're going to be in her position one day and you'll find it very hard not to stick your nose in too where your grandchildren are concerned. X

Also, I don't think you need to move out if you're otherwise happy. I was a single mum with an 8m old and working full time and I was so isolated and exhausted. It's terrifying when a baby is sick in the night and you have nobody to help you or to talk to. Also you may be frighted that ex will turn up to your home (I had to get a non-mol due to harassment)

I presume all those saying 'move out' haven't been in this position before.

Telling someone who is fleeing a domestic abuse situation to move out is cruel and idiotic. Don't take any notice of those people. Please take whatever time you need to get yourself back on your feet.

Your mother is probably trying to share the load, and probably doesn't realise she's overstepping the mark.It would be best to talk calmly about the subject, rather than snapping, as you fear you might do.

Would it help for you to put it in the context of moving out soon? As in: "I'm going to have to do that myself when I move out, so I'd like to start doing it myself here."

Yanbu. I think you should consider saying something along these lines.

“Mum I love you. Please let me make my own mistakes and find my way. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship. I need to find who I am and how I bring my child up. I know you think you’re helping me and I love you for it. But if I don’t discover things on my own I’m never going to learn how to be and not to be in life and how to protect myself in the future. I really appreciate your help and know I can always come to you for advice. From now on can you please respect that I’m mum to this baby and I make the decisions.”

My DD has a baby just a bit older than yours and she is also sleep deprived. I am probably the same as your mum but I do it to give her a break. I think it’s a generation thing, also about just getting on with it. Your baby will have an amazing bond with your mum and that is worth so much. If you see her about to bath the baby all you have to say is,” I will do that, you have a seat” you are so lucky having a home for you and your baby, just be thankful and don’t stress. My DD doesn’t mind if I do things for the baby and I have an amazing bond with her which I love.

I think moving back as an adult must be difficult. I think you don’t need to confront a kind and loving mother; you might want to manipulate the situation though. Do exactly the opposite. Ask for advice. Get her to google stuff you suggest. Give her jobs to do.
You’re sleep deprived, so tell her that and give her your baby to take to feed the ducks whilst you get a few hours sleep. It sounds like they’ll both have a nice time and you’ll get a decent nap.

“Mum I really appreciate your advice and help but I’d like to do things my way.”
I love how mumsnetters just think housing appears out of nowhere; the OP has already said why she’s living with her mum.
Well done for getting out of the relationship OP.

I would do two things, talk to her, framing it as concern about finding your own feet and not becoming dependent on her. And also try to do a little reframing in your own head.

It's really easy for little things to irritate in this situation, I lived with relatives for a while and ended up having to make a choice not to let the small stuff wind me up. Accept that there will be clashes of opinion and make a conscious effort to balance them with the positives about the situation, it's amazing how much difference your attitude to the whole thing makes and it makes for an easier, happier time for you if you can stay positive.

You've had lots of good advice about how to gently assert yourself with your baby and I think that, along with a chat with DM and a bit of a shift in your mindset could make things a lot more bearable. I hope things start to improve for you OP, I'm glad you're free and safe now at least

“Mum, you’re lovely and I know you’re being a huge help but I really want to learn some stuff on my own.....can we have a few days of no advice? Just to let me find my way a bit please? “

It is a hard one..I get you are thankful for her help and you appreciate her stepping in to offer you a home but in the move you have lost a bit of the independance you had.It is never easy going home after leaving for both parties involved.Focus on you for the time being..you getting sorted and you building yourself up again.If is only a matter of weeks I would let it go.I bet she will be happy to have her space and routine back as much as you will.Sort out the priorities first ie your house and let your mum over help whilst you do it ...I am sure she is feeling misplaced like you are and I bet she genuinely wants to help.Good luck moving forward..you have escaped a nightmare and I hope your future is happier and more settled for you

Hmm, I would be inclined to just let it lie, especially if you can see the end in sight. My mum was like this, and I did tell her that it was getting at me, and this was years and years ago. I honestly don't think our relationship has been the same since.