How do I broach this without upsetting my mum?

[OoohMasala]

I'm living back at my mum's as I left my ex due to domestic abuse. I have a 9 month old who is now thriving in a warm and loving environment.

My mum likes to help me out, but gives me advice, every day. She talks to me about my routine, gives my son food without asking, baths him without telling me she's going to, spends a tonne of time googling things which drives me mad. She is so kind, and she's trying to help and take the strain off me. For some reason though I find it irritating and like she's almost taken the role of my baby's dad. She gives me advice when I don't ask for it and inadvertantly criticises if she thinks my routine is scatty. She begins her sentences with 'you need to do...' or 'you need to start...' or 'googe says...'

I really need to know if IABU in wanting her to back off, or if I just need to accept this. If IANBU, how do I kindly go about asking her to back off without really upsetting her? She's quite sensitive and nothing she does ever us out of unkindness or malice

Most victims of controlling partners are created by their parents somehow
I think this is a valid point, and it also occurred to me that in some sense the mother may have laid the groundwork for the daughter to be vulnerable to a controlling partner

She is trying to support you - which you realise - but she is also being quite controlling, which is what you are getting away from.

I think you need to explain to her that you really value her efforts but that perhaps she limit them to maybe 2 or 3 days a week and give you a little space to get your head together. If you can broach this without an argument and make sure she sees how grateful you are I think you can get through this. It doesn't sound as though you have much choice but to stay so you need to look at what it is in her behaviour that perhaps reminds you of your ex?

Are you seeing a counsellor/therapist? They can be helpful in identifying triggers and connections to behaviours and how to deal with them.

Every time she says something that pisses you off, seriously think of what she is doing for you and what your alternative living arrangements would be. As you said,she isn't coming from a place of malice,she's trying to help.

You’ve been through a lot including an abusive and most likely controlling relationship and leaving that, that takes guts. I don’t doubt your mum’s coming from a kind place and just wants to help you. I don’t see a problem saying to her in a very nice way “mum, thank you for everything you’ve done for me and the baby, we love you so much, but I need to find my own way to do things.” Your mum mostly likely wants to just take care of you both after all you’ve been through. But you’re not being ungrateful or unreasonable to want to raise your child your way.

I think people who are giving you a hard time here are being unfair and don’t have much, if any, understanding of the situation you are in. “Move out then” ffs like it’s that easy given the OP’s circumstances.

What Potatoes says. Grandparents need boundaries too!

Best of luck, OP.

I'm a grandparent who did/does this for DD and DGS and it is often quite difficult not to wade in with unsolicited advice and help. However, what worked for us was a written informal contract of expectations. I thought this was a bit weird but DD is a legal secretary who initiated the idea and I kind of went along with it. Actually it works quite well and provides a point to revisit if either of us need to

She obviously wants to help so maybe you could try redirecting her. How about, "Actually mum, I don't need help with that but I'd love some help with this..." ?

You could also create a schedule "for yourself" and stick it on the fridge. That way, you'll all know what you're doing when.

Another phrase: "Thanks for that, I'll definitely give it some thought." Or, "Thanks, you've given me lots to think about."

It's often quite tricky moving back in with a parent as an adult. I get on very well with my Mum but when I had to stay with her for 3 weeks a few years ago neither of us were sad when I left!

Yes you probably should give her some slack as she is providing a roof over your head but it must be a bit suffocating. Maybe every time just say robotically say 'thanks I'll bear that in mind' and after a while she might get fed up of hearing that Do you get out without her much? Might be worth joining a class or something that gets you out of the house a bit so you have some space.

She won't see it an undermining she just wants to help you and support you. Let it go in one ear and out of the other. I understand you have been in a controlling relationship which is going to alter your view as you will be sensitive to it but she is just trying to help.

I think she is trying to be overly helpful as she thinks it is supporting you during a tough time, reality is she might be relieved to know that you don't need as much input from her. Maybe explain empathetically that you are thankful for the support but feel it's important you take the lead on looking after your child, but would love for her to be involved and enjoy being a grandmother; and being there for you as well. It is tricky and I dont think it's fair for people to be suggesting moving out, you just need to tactfully be honest about how you are feeling.

I agree with @ShippingNews.

My children are adults now but I still remember my mother, whose experience was to parent one child many years before, correcting me and undermining my choices and decisions in my own home.

It's hard. She needs to remember that you have a Health Visitor and all the information you're being given is up to date. If I become a GM I will need to remember that too.

I think your mum's doing all this from a place of love and support and she's just not realizing how it can come across and how you'll feel about it when you've taken the knocks you have at such a tricky time too. She's in fierce mother mode as well as new granny mode.

Try to handle the situation sensitively and remember none of this is happening when your baby's being influenced in any way. Tread gently and if you can, ask her to do the same.

Things will start to pick up for you very soon I'm sure

Added to the points above you are now more alert and sensitive to controlling behaviour and resisting it which drives some of what you are feeling.
I'd say you are where you are, but you can move foreards, have you looked at the Freedom Program?
Speak to the HV about some counselling as well.

I'm surprised at the harshness of some of these replies. OP has just left an abusive relationship, she's trying to reclaim some of the independence and confidence she's lost, surely that's understandable? She isn't being ungrateful for her DM's support or "talking about her behind her back" (how ridiculous), she's asking for a way to manage the situation without hurting her DM's feelings. As for those saying "you need to move out", are people really this out of touch with the world around them?? Lack of affordable housing is a significant problem in this country, so the idea that OP as a single parent who has fled from an abusive partner can just magic up a nice little flat for her and the baby out of nowhere is very naive. These things take time, that's why OP is asking for help to manage her current living situation until she and her DC have their own space.

OP, ignore some of the shitty responses on here. It's clear from your posts that you love your DM and appreciate everything she's done for you, but you want to feel that you're the one in the driving seat when it comes to parenting your child and that's perfectly natural.

I wouldn't necessarily sit her down for a big chat as that will turn it into a 'thing'. I'd be more inclined to address each issue as it comes up. So "thanks Mum, but this way just works better for me" when she offers you advice. Or "I know you're trying to help, Mum and I really appreciate it but I'd like to bath him myself. I need to get used to doing these things when we get our own place". You may still need to hold your tongue occasionally for the sake of a harmonious household (otherwise she might feel hurt if you jump on everything she says/does) but remind yourself it's only temporary until your in your own place.

Every time she says something that pisses you off, seriously think about what she is doing for you and what you're alternative living arrangements would be. I think that's what I was trying to say at the top of thread but it came out all wrong. Sorry OP It's a bit of a sore point with me because we've had DD back home (no dc though) for nearly a year now. It's been very difficult and she's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Also, I have completely contradicted myself saying OP was talking behind mum's back on MN when I always tell my DD, when she goes to therapy, to not feel betraying if she needs to talk about annoyances at home. Because there are annoyances at home, I think it would be unusual if there weren't. OP, we've come to this jokey "thing" now whereas when feeling annoyed we actually say "er, feeling absolutely niggled" and the other one says "uh oh, what is it?" Even DH is joining in (because he's the most annoying one in the house). Hasn't been easy to get to this point though. Maybe you could try this OP? Discussing "niggles" is better than building up to big arguments/ resentments. Again, sorry about earlier, you've done really well. Enjoy being spoiled for a while.

Your mum will be finding this difficult too, as I'm sure you know. I imagine she's trying to get some control back into her home life, rather than be a bystander to everything that's going on in her space. She's possibly got a bit carried away with the excitement as well - who doesn't love having a baby around to fuss and love?

If you make it very clear that you don't need constant prompts and that you'd like to do the lion's share of the mothering, she'll probably step back and wait for your say so. It's hard to get the balance right without clear instructions.