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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say - It really is just one day

78 replies

Scentsandsensible · 08/08/2019 20:11

I see so many brides on here, and irl getting so her up about a single issue about their wedding. I was the same- spent £300 on veil - that I just “had” to have. Was panic shopping two days before for bridesmaid gifts etc.

I’ve now been married for about 5 years and within a month thought - I loved it, but all that money - all that fuss- it was just ONE DAY.

I’m not talking about marriage, simply weddings, id to remind panicking brides to be that - honestly - afterwards you will remember it fondly, it will be a great day, but it really is just one (that tbh you can only half remember as it goes so quickly).

Aibu to ask - if you’re married - be honest - do you feel the same?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 08/08/2019 20:57

Totally agree with you, I am shocked at the amounts some people will spend on ‘one day’ (money they clearly can’t afford to spend) & when you see all the threads from wedding guests it is clear that many guests see accepting the invitation as a chore and clearly aren’t really looking forward to the occasion.

I’ve been to so many weddings over the years ... most of the marriages have ended in divorce and although some of the weddings were a ‘nice day out’, some were truly awful. I’ve been married twice the first was a scout tent in the garden, we did the catering ourselves and the second was just a small lunch for seven of us. Second marriage lasted over 31 years 😁

Glower · 08/08/2019 20:59

I was maid of honour for my best friend recently. They wanted a cheap wedding but it was still a big venue with 100+ guests. To save money it was very ‘DIY’ so all the setting up, decorating, food buying etc. had to be done by the bride and groom and their friends the day before/morning of. The whole thing was just incredibly stressful. There was no proper photographer and my friend (bride) was in tears on the day trying to organise people into group photos herself.

It definitely changed my idea of what I’d want for my wedding! I think I’d want a smaller wedding with fewer guests but would be willing to pay for food, decorations etc. to be handled by a venue and definitely not me or my guests.

thrumylookingglass · 08/08/2019 21:02

YANBU it is just one day. Whilst I enjoyed the day, we did a lot of things that were more for the families than for us.

As we paid for most of the cost ourselves, if I could turn back the clock i’m not sure I would spend that again.

So while it was a beautiful day and very special ... would I do it again? NO!

MyFlabberIsAghast · 08/08/2019 21:03

Sadly I got completely caught up in 'the day'...ExH and I were still paying it off when we divorced

Pebbles16 · 08/08/2019 21:04

We had a lovely wedding and remember most of it (19 years on, I possibly don't remember my bridesmaid sneezing or similar!). We didn't go mad. Had a budget and stuck to it. DH has small family and we had a rule that if (in the 5 years we were together before the wedding, we hadn't met, them, they weren't invited.) Caused stupid ructions amongst my beloved grandma's many siblings. She was totally Team Pebbles.
It was the moments:
Bride and groom going to check the football score (watch the last 15 minutes)
My dad imploring people to check the half empty bottles before opening a new one!
DJ striking up the first dance with DH having a wee
I could go on. It was fun, hilarious and enjoyable because we worked hard at making it right and don't go OTT
My opinion: but I think that because we enjoyed our wedding so much, we have put more effort into our marriage because we want to honour that day

TheWildAndTheCurious · 08/08/2019 21:04

Nope don't agree. We had a bloody good wedding. We did what I wanted and don't regret a single penny or time spent on it! We Had a biggish (100 guests in a barn= a lot of food!) wedding with lots of DIY bits. While we didn't blow the bank it wasn't 'cheap' either. It was lovely to have all our family and friends together for the only time in our lives!
I don't care if you spend £2000 or £20,000 on a wedding. It's your choice . I would judge or knock anyone's choices either. You can get divorced whatever you spend on your wedding. There's no rule that it can only be the expensive ones.

Original poster

Scentsandsensible · 08/08/2019 21:08

To be clear - I’m not knocking expensive weddings - mine was expensive and I’m not that bothered that I paid a lot for the venue, my dress etc.

I’m not knocking budget weddings either. What I’m saying is that “sweating the small stuff” or worse still getting into debt for the small stuff is not worth it.

OP posts:

LadyRannaldini · 08/08/2019 21:08

How much of this is fired up by social media and seing millionaire 'celebrities' with more money than sense? At one time there was the wedding and a meal after with a disco possibly, there wasn't a seperate 'evening do', the groom had a night out with his friends and the bride had a night out with her friends, neither had a week away costing hundreds of pounds and the wedding was held traditionally in the brides town, not a 'destination' thousands of miles away.
Weddings have become the ultimate Keeping up with the Jones, or more likely the Beckhams, Kardash-whatsit etc. If you can think of a better way of spending £20-£30k, if you're going massively into debt then it's not worth it. How many are still paying off the debt when they seperate?

Fruityb · 08/08/2019 21:11

Spent a bloody fortune quite honestly but it was genuinely an amazing day and I wouldn’t change a thing. It went beautifully, everything looked beautiful and the people running the day were so awesome I wanted to snog them all quite honestly!

It was nearly two years ago and I wouldn’t do things any differently. Made new friends and loved it all.

StripeySocks29 · 08/08/2019 21:15

I know a couple of people who got married because they just wanted a wedding, they wanted gifts and a big ring and all of the attention on them for a day, but the marriages didn’t last (a few months in one case and a year in the other)

For us I knew I wanted a white dress, a couple of nice photos to put on the mantle and all of our friends there, this meant that we went for the cheapest venue, booked a photographer for 1 hour, married out of season and I bought a dress in a sale for £200.

I do think people get too hung up on it being ‘perfect’ or putting their own stamp on it - DH and I are well aware we’re not supermodels and we were never going to have an instagram worthy wedding, but it was still a day to remember.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 21:18

Bear in mind that some people have large families that they actually like, as well as lots of friends, and they want to invite as many people as possible to enjoy their wedding. It's silly to make yourself miserable and stressed over the perfect shoes and what colour ribbons to tie round the chairs etc, but (as a PP said) you don't have to buy into the competitive whinyarsed puritanism either. I am a BHA-trained wedding celebrant and I've been involved in some lovely weddings - some which were lavish and some which were small and relatively informal. I think the key factor is that the people getting married are happy to be getting married.

Original poster

Scentsandsensible · 08/08/2019 21:22

@ReanimatedSGB nicely put. It’s the stress over the small things that I want to counsel against. Oh and the debt

OP posts:

RedSheep73 · 08/08/2019 21:30

Yes and no...there's nothing that I wish I'd done differently, or not spent. But we were ruthless and only spent on what we actually wanted, nothing just because it was traditional.

Lindormilk · 08/08/2019 21:36

We eloped. As in proper eliping and told no one. Spent £700 on a dress/car/cottage for 4 nights/rings/flowers/photos.

Remember it like yesterday. I could never justify spending ££££ on a day. It was our day, not other people’s.

ParrotsForLife · 08/08/2019 21:42

The stress and the expense of a Big Day is precisely why DP and I have opted to piss off to Cyprus and have a lovely holiday and come back married. We just wanna be married to each other, doing it in a way that we will enjoy. Plus I’ve got a massive catholic family, there’s more than enough cousins to host Big Weddings!

caballerino · 08/08/2019 21:43

Coloured uplighters? Postbox?

Yabbers · 08/08/2019 21:49

To summarise you think it’s just one day. People shouldn’t get too worked up about it or spend too much money on it. People shouldn’t get stressed about details, it’s just not worth it.

You did all those things and you wouldn’t change it, but people shouldn’t do that. Is that what you’re saying?

Chista · 08/08/2019 21:52

We were going to originally go with a big extravagant wedding with no expense spared. When we took a step back and looked at it, we questionned was it for us or was it for everyone else. We ended up scaling it right down, registry office and then just close family at a restaurant with exclusive use. Scrapped the wedding favours by donating money to two charities which were close to the families hearts and left a little pin on all table settings to say a donation has been made on your behalf. Everyone commented how amazing the day was and how it felt better than having a large scale wedding. It all depends on the individual but I ak glad we didnt waste so much money which has been put to better use

IAintWroteNoPoetry · 08/08/2019 21:56

DH and I had a very small wedding, we didn’t see the point in spending so much money on one day when it could actually go towards things we’d need in our marriage

surroundedbyvulpices · 08/08/2019 22:04

I was very much of the 'it really is just one day' school of thought, and DH was all too happy to go with that. Our wedding was incredibly cheap and simple. It was an OK day, but there was nothing terribly exciting about it. I think our guests kind of picked up on the vibe, because we didn't get any particularly interesting presents and nobody made much of a fuss, not even our parents. Looking back, I feel quite sad about it. I wish the day had been a bit more special, or that we had at least had a couple of decent photos taken.

PonderingPanda · 08/08/2019 22:08

My wedding was amazing. My parents paid for it all.... which meant they decided it all....

We are now divorced and l do think what a waste, but equally no-one gets married with the intention to divorce!

I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else but if l did l don't know if I'd get married again, as l am financially secure and l wouldn't want to jeopardise that.

I'll never regret marrying my XH as it was absolutely the right time for us both, I'm sure he'd say different though!

Dowser · 08/08/2019 22:12

Of my three weddings
Church, registry office, beach wedding
The small beach wedding with all my family and very close friends was the best
so informal and friendly...we even did our own hair, nails, make up
And why wouldn’t we?
Just one perfect day that didn’t cost the earth

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 22:13

Yup I agree. So many people crush themselves with weddings they simply can’t afford and I have no idea why. It’s like impoverishing yourself for a one day holiday. Nobody would do that so why for a wedding? I’ve never understood it personally.

Rosieposy4 · 08/08/2019 22:15

Iaint, surely the wedding gifts could be used towards your marriage.DH and I got married rather more than a quarter of a century ago. I am tonight having a glass of wine in a wedding gift glass, and we used a big serving bowl for dinner for us and ds3 and 4 tonight that was a different wedding gift. We literally have loads of stuff we were given as wedding presents and still use either daily, or on special occasions ( I was sad when a wedding gift beautiful lace duvet cover from India finally had to be binned)

SudowoodoVoodoo · 08/08/2019 22:25

We did the full works for 100 guests (big families and the only time we'd ever get the majority into one place at the same time, plus friends from a few sources).

It was a ££££ wedding that looked ££,£££. We took our time over two years, did our research on average costings to look for sensible prices from local suppliers and did a lot of DIY over the small trimmings over a couple of years of school holidays. I seem to have fairly good value taste too

It was one day, well became a weekend as a lot of guests travelled the night before so we did a get together, and many stayed into the day after (but not an enforced weekend) and it really was one of the most glorious days of my life, marrying the man I still love a decade on, surrounded by people we love in a place we love, and the time on all the DIY touches created a very personal feel. We spent what we could afford and absolutely no regrets other than wishing I could relive it again.

There were very few moments of stress. The worst part was cleaning out the house in the final week for our lengthy honeymoon and sorting the visas, and DH tying up his professional loose ends while sorting the finishing touches. The only day I remember getting angsty was the Saturday before when we ended up out for the day, on a gorgous day wasted spent queuing for very few rides at a theme park and I still had a lengthy to do list on my mind, but I suspect that's fair enough by that stage.

I've had friends dragged along with other people's weddings that seemed to turn into great, dramatic and over-priced sagas that either ruined friendships or spiralled into significant debt. They've never lasted more than two or three years of marriage if that, probably as much down to the highly strung perfectionist brides' general attitude to life as much as other factors.

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