To think its normal to have the occasional 10 minutes to myself during the day with a 3yo?

[Pretendbookworm]

I have a 3yo DS and I do absolutely love him to pieces. But he is really, really high maintenance. Whenever I’ve had a babysitter - relative, friend, or he’s been to a nursery or preschool they’ve always said the same - he needs 1-2-1 attention all the time. He has got special needs related to a genetic disorder that causes problems with behaviour and learning.

I’m pregnant with our second child, I’ve had to stop taking my antidepressants and anxiety meds due to the pregnancy. Most days I can cope, it’s been 8 weeks without any of them now. But I can only cope if I have very short ‘breaks’ through the day where I can just sit for 10 minutes or so knitting, or looking through my phone. I’m 12 weeks so tiredness and nausea is still really hanging around.

If I have a day like today though where he is trying to use me as a trampoline, won’t play on his own for the full 12 hours he’s awake, or clinging on me while I’m trying to wee or cook meals I just get really really frustrated and short tempered and upset. My partner works four 12.5 hour shifts a week so it’s literally just me from dawn until dusk, and I work on his days off. I have my partners family who will babysit if I’m working (2 nights a week) but we certainly aren’t friendly and they won’t babysit just for being nice.

Am I being unreasonable to start telling him no and making him leave me alone for short periods during the day? I feel it’ll be good to teach him ‘wait’ and ‘mummy busy’ but I just feel guilty. Or can anyone help with ways to keep him occupied other than the TV so I can breathe?

If it's for 10 mins a few times a day I'd just use the TV, OP. Don't feel guilty, it sounds like you have lots of interaction with him the rest of the time.

Of course not! It’s good for him to learn. Also take full advantage of preschool hours to rest and get refreshed and ready for when you get him back.

Oh that sounds tough. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you use tv to have a break. It’s not the worst and you need to feel sane and well far more than he needs not to watch tv. Is there any way he could do a few more hours in nursery too, so you can get some rest?

Sheets of paper all over floor and crayons?

No, I tell my kids I need 5 mins regularly.

And I was always anti i-pads but now I see them as a blessing.

If you and your partner work alternative days and he’s 3, when does he use his 30 free hours?

Why don't you want to use the TV?
Is he eligible for free nursery hours yet? It sounds exhausting for you

I've had to do this, I call it mummy time, sometimes I even set a timer.

I could leave DS1 for 10mins without TV very occasionally when he was 3, but I’m afraid I couldn’t have left my NT DS2 alone for 10 minutes when he was 3, much less one with SN. I can only occasionally, and not reliably, do it now he’s 5. If I leave him to his own devices for 10 minutes, it’s more work in the long run as he finds something to destroy or does something stupidly dangerous. I’m sure plenty of people are going to pile on saying you ‘need to be firm’ but I think you may just need to put up with it, sorry!

YANBU it's good for children to play independently, do you get ten minutes if he's sat doing an activity (puzzle, colouring etc) , even if you're in the same room you can say we're going to have ten minutes of quiet timeb so we can concentrate? Maybe put three or four songs on and then he'll know when quiet time is up

My DN is three and say for a good ten fifteen minutes several times the other day when I was visiting, drawing and glitter glueing so I don't think it's impossible but given his needs you might have to be in the room whereas my DN can write happily be left while you go and make a cup of tea, start dinner, make a phone call and won't trash the place

Use the tv

I wouldnt have left mine alone at 3 but would def use the tv and curl up on the sofa while they're say on a cushion/playing.

I dont think mine at 3 would have understood I didnt want then near me though or wait. They were too young. So distraction (tv) it was.

Yanbu to achieve this by whatever means necessary. Try saying you’ll be there in a minute and see how long he can play independently. If he’ll do 5 minutes you can build it up a bit at a time. Maybe chuck down some duplo first or help him set up a game. If he’s not going for it at all I’d just bung on the tv for short intervals.

It’s ok to need this. Many of us need this without your additional pressures. Cut yourself some slack.

I think TV is fine, especially as it's short-term. Put on one ten-minute show, do your thing, then come back when it's done.
If you're worried, guidelines I think say no more than two hours of TV a day at this age, so that gives you 12 ten-minute slots.
Other than that, three is old enough to start doing activities where you leave them - football, tumble tots, swimming etc would give you half an hour off - is that something he'd like/be able to do?

Don't make your life unnecessarily hard!

Put the TV on. Tell him to play by himself.

If I have a hot drink I'm not to be disturbed and no one can sit on me. That's at least 20 minutes twice a day where I sit down with a coffee and my phone.

Also I have a stair gate on the kitchen so I sit in there.

YANBU! And agree with all PP, use the TV!

My 3 year old doesn't have any diagnosed SN, but he doesn't like to leave me alone at home either. Unless the TV is on! I do tell him though "mummy just needs 10 minutes to drink this cup of tea/do the online shopping etc, so you'll have to play by yourself for a bit", and he will. So YANBU to ask that either! (But if that won't work, use the TV).

Whenever I’ve had a babysitter - relative, friend, or he’s been to a nursery or preschool they’ve always said the same - he needs 1-2-1 attention all the time

That's easy to say but is impossible to do all day every day. You'd never do a single other thing ie. shower, put on a load of washing, prepare a meal, eat, have a drink...it would be impossible. Can you give him tasks he can complete by himself while you have a break?

About the TV - I’m gonna be honest it’s already on for a few hours in the morning then a few in the afternoon. He doesn’t really ‘zone out’ to it though because he wants to talk about what he’s watching, sit on my lap while being actively cuddled (which is nice for a few hours anyway lol) or he wants to watch singing and dancing tv and I have to join in. So tv is often as much work as sitting down and playing with him.

He gets 30 hours from September. I am counting down the days.

I’ll try paper over the floor with lots of crayons. I think starting tomorrow I’ll do the ‘this is mummy time now’ or ‘mummy is knitting now so [ds] can do colouring’ or something. Would it be unreasonable to be firm with naughty corner? Or copious amounts of biscuits?

I am so exhausted by the end of the day I rarely have the energy to sit up long past DS’s bedtime. 😩

I think firm with naughty corner is very unreasonable, sorry. At three, he has no empathy - he won’t develop that for another year or two at least - so can’t see from your point of view that he’s making your life hard. His brain has to develop enough first - you can’t punish it into him.

I need a little bit of time to just decompress too, I put the TV on for twenty minutes three times a day.

PS I didn't mean to suggest that more than two hours was a bad idea! My ds very often had more than two hours at that age, and I don't think he was alone. Also, the issue I think is when people just leave their kids in front of it and they don't get any interaction/exercise, so if he's talking to you and singing and dancing, then that sounds like a really positive thing to do with him.

(I totally used to just leave DS in front of it.)

Strap him in the high chair with some crayons or play doh?

What about setting a timer and telling him if he leaves you in peace he can have a reward after (playing with you, sticker etc)?