To think its normal to have the occasional 10 minutes to myself during the day with a 3yo?

[Pretendbookworm]

I have a 3yo DS and I do absolutely love him to pieces. But he is really, really high maintenance. Whenever I’ve had a babysitter - relative, friend, or he’s been to a nursery or preschool they’ve always said the same - he needs 1-2-1 attention all the time. He has got special needs related to a genetic disorder that causes problems with behaviour and learning.

I’m pregnant with our second child, I’ve had to stop taking my antidepressants and anxiety meds due to the pregnancy. Most days I can cope, it’s been 8 weeks without any of them now. But I can only cope if I have very short ‘breaks’ through the day where I can just sit for 10 minutes or so knitting, or looking through my phone. I’m 12 weeks so tiredness and nausea is still really hanging around.

If I have a day like today though where he is trying to use me as a trampoline, won’t play on his own for the full 12 hours he’s awake, or clinging on me while I’m trying to wee or cook meals I just get really really frustrated and short tempered and upset. My partner works four 12.5 hour shifts a week so it’s literally just me from dawn until dusk, and I work on his days off. I have my partners family who will babysit if I’m working (2 nights a week) but we certainly aren’t friendly and they won’t babysit just for being nice.

Am I being unreasonable to start telling him no and making him leave me alone for short periods during the day? I feel it’ll be good to teach him ‘wait’ and ‘mummy busy’ but I just feel guilty. Or can anyone help with ways to keep him occupied other than the TV so I can breathe?

Story tapes are also good. Or colouring books. Finding Goldbug in Cars and Tricks and Things That Go keeps mine entertained for ages.

I feel your pain OP. My son doesn’t have any SN, but at 3 wants a lot of attention. A few weeks ago was a particularly bad spell where he had lots of tantrums. I ended up just telling him I’m sitting on the couch drinking my tea so you just need to play alone. I’d like to tell you he left me in peace, but I’d be lying

Lots of people are giving great ideas here about lovely things you can give your child to do, which is kind of them, but doesn't really solve your problem - which is that regardless of what you give him to do, he still won't do it on his own.

I do think he needs to learn to play on his own without your attention round the clock, but I think maybe you have to approach this gradually as it's obviously something he struggles with. Leave him with something (safe!) to do, praise him and play with him for a few minutes, and then explain that you are going to go upstairs for a little bit while he carries on playing and you'll be down very soon to see how well he's doing. Inevitably he will probably come upstairs and pester you after about 90 seconds but I think you have to firmly either ignore him or send him out again until he learns. Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? If you do, I think I would literally lock him out, just for a couple of minutes at a time, and if he throws a tantrum, ignore him. It sounds harsh but if you build up the time gradually he might start to learn.

Most of these suggestions just have me as ‘independent play’ ideas. At 3yo, my DS2 (and to a large extent my better-behaved DS1 as well), if left to it without my input, would have massaged Play Doh into the carpet, sprinkled trays of rice/pasta from one end of the house to the other, upended buckets of water on the kitchen floor, smeared glitter glue or paint on the walls and themselves then tracked it through the house, plastered walls/doors/windows in stickers and coloured in the dogs if left alone with marker pens and paper. They had an Aquadoodle - they preferred using the water pens to scribble on the windows. Not messy, grant you, and smeared windows were worth it for a minute’s rest, but indicative that I really couldn’t leave my three year olds to their own devices, not even for 10 minutes. The chaos and likely permanent damage to the house I would have to have dealt with would have completely cancelled out the sit down!

You have the TV on a lot, OP. If you keep it more restricted e.g. to the 10 minute rest slots you need, would it be more of a novelty to him and therefore hold his attention more independently of you?

Oh no @ElphabaTheGreen, my kids are no angels, especially DS2. He once drew on the window with waterproof mascara when left unsupervised. But it was still worth it to have a few minutes to myself. That's why I tell him I'm doing the laundry, so he expects me to reappear at any second and therefore doesn't start doing something naughty because he knows he'll get caught!

This thread has been so helpful to read about other people's experiences. I'm also pregnant and have a toddler who will not leave me alone, and it's exhausting. Reading this I realise I haven't been encouraging independent play, so I'm going to start trying some of the ideas mentioned.

OP I think you need to look after yourself, maybe try some of the ideas posted here but yes, use TV for breaks if you need to. I really relate to feeling very irritable when I don't get time to myself - in fact lack of time to myself is the hardest thing I've found about being a mum. I also want to tackle this now in the hopes that my toddler will adjust a little better to not being the only child needing my attention when his sibling comes along.

They only get the 30 free hours in term time. I find the telly a blessing he doesn't watch it all day but 10 mins is not the end of the world.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. I have 3 pre schoolers and a partner that works 6 days a week to keep us. We have no family circle or anybody to help out with the kids so it falls completely on me. I get very little time away from them and feel your pain on needing time in the day for YOU. You do need to have times when you sit him infront of the tv with some snacks or give him the tablet while you sneak in the kitchen and have a brew or scroll your phone, and also teach him to wait. I often tell my older and middle one to 'wait, mum is busy and will help in a minute' even if I'm just pottering. And I do it because they learn early that if mum goes to them at the exact second they want her to, every time, she always will... and I find the more I go to them, the more they expect and demand if that makes sense. So take as many short breaks throughout the day as you need to and as you can. You need to take care of yourself to be as good a mum as you can for your DS. It's really hard when you don't get a second to breath and you do get snappy. Don't beat yourself up about that, most mums in the same circumstances feel exactly the same. I don't know you, but the fact that you are on here tells me you are a good mum. Your DS is fed and loved (I'm assuming 🤭) and you are 12 weeks pregnant. You are doing ok mama.

YANBU, I need this break from my 3.5yr old and she doesn’t have SN. But, if you already have the tv on a couple of hours in the morning and afternoon then I don’t think any more will help you. Have you got an iPad? They are some really good puzzle games aimed at toddlers, and I feel less guilty about those vs tv as I feel like they are actually engaging their brain a bit!

Also - if he’s not great at playing alone, try choosing an activity (duplo / stickers / colouring) and day 1 do it actively with him for 10 min. Day 2, do it for 8 min and quietly stop and see if he can manage 2 min alone. Continue like this until you just have to get him started and then can zone out almost immediately. Toddlers are like puppies, only takes a few days to train them