To think its normal to have the occasional 10 minutes to myself during the day with a 3yo?

[Pretendbookworm]

I have a 3yo DS and I do absolutely love him to pieces. But he is really, really high maintenance. Whenever I’ve had a babysitter - relative, friend, or he’s been to a nursery or preschool they’ve always said the same - he needs 1-2-1 attention all the time. He has got special needs related to a genetic disorder that causes problems with behaviour and learning.

I’m pregnant with our second child, I’ve had to stop taking my antidepressants and anxiety meds due to the pregnancy. Most days I can cope, it’s been 8 weeks without any of them now. But I can only cope if I have very short ‘breaks’ through the day where I can just sit for 10 minutes or so knitting, or looking through my phone. I’m 12 weeks so tiredness and nausea is still really hanging around.

If I have a day like today though where he is trying to use me as a trampoline, won’t play on his own for the full 12 hours he’s awake, or clinging on me while I’m trying to wee or cook meals I just get really really frustrated and short tempered and upset. My partner works four 12.5 hour shifts a week so it’s literally just me from dawn until dusk, and I work on his days off. I have my partners family who will babysit if I’m working (2 nights a week) but we certainly aren’t friendly and they won’t babysit just for being nice.

Am I being unreasonable to start telling him no and making him leave me alone for short periods during the day? I feel it’ll be good to teach him ‘wait’ and ‘mummy busy’ but I just feel guilty. Or can anyone help with ways to keep him occupied other than the TV so I can breathe?

Crikey, use the tv!

Tv or iPad. Nothing wrong with either. I have a two year old without SN who is exactly the same. He won’t go to anyone else and I shamelessly plank him in front of either so I can make a cup of tea/pee/pay the bills etc - I even put on hey duggee in restaurants to keep him calm. Judge away!

Dry pasta shapes, cups and spoons and a massive tray. Sensory play gives the best me time.

Sorry I was putting kids to bed and didn't read your update. It's much easier When they do some childcare

My DC are home educated. I'm an introvert & wouldn't cope at all if they didn't leave me alone sometimes! Ever since they dropped their afternoon naps we've insisted on them playing independently for a while in that time instead. Obviously, how long they can do that for depends very much on the age & personality of the child but my eldest 2 have always accepted it. DC1 happily played alone most of the afternoon even at 2.5yo. DC2 is a bit needier & pops down to see what I'm doing every so often. The youngest still naps but I'm predicting my nice calm afternoons will be a lot more disrupted in a few months time. Definitely a velcro baby compared to the others!

Honestly it does them good to play independently. Set up some crayons and paper ir a puzzle, or put out some toys and stick the tv on and tell him that Mummy is having 20 minutes and a cup of tea. You’re not a superhero, you need a break.

Glad you will get some free time come September

I've just remembered another thing that keeps DS both occupied and quiet (I have a massive chatterbox on my hands and sometimes even if he's letting me eg get on with showering in peace, the constant questions and running commentary is hard work) is eating an apple. Not cut up or anything, a whole apple. Worth a try?

I put my daughter in a large cardboard box and give her felt pens and stickers and let her draw all over the cardboard walls when I need a break 😂

Or, I pour coloured rice on to a large tuff tray (they're meant for cement mixing) and give her pots, funnels etc to play with.

Or fill a washing up bowl with water and ice and put her plastic sea animals in it and give her a slotted spoon to play with.

She's a bit younger but all these things give me a ten min break in an otherwise full on day with my limpet child

I also have a ds with genetic disorder with all the learning needs etc attached to it. It can be very challenging and my god it’s draining some days. We had a 10 minute timer that is used for ‘mummy time’ it’s not a quick magic fix and takes a while to get them into the swing of it but it’s worth it. Repeat repeat repeat it’s how they learn. My ds is now nearly 10 and lives in his own world but loves electronics. It does get easier. You got this super mum!

Oh yes, I have taught my twins from a very early age, 18mo or so, about mummy time. I get a cup of coffee and my phone and sit on (yes, on!) a table - this way I can see them play at floor level but I am not next to them so it creates kind of a distance. If they come to me I’ll just say «I am taking a break, I’ll be there to do x, y, z in 5mins» and they seem to get it. We’ll see how long it lasts lol

I love your ideas @Sizeofalentil !
I counter you with:

• the classic sheet of stickers, always lasts a good 5min, no mess, minimal cost
• giving them make up brushes to pretend they are mummy getting ready for the day - at least 10min, again no mess, no cost

YANBU
Our children need to learn that we are important as well. It’s good for them to learn their parents have self worth!
Definitely use the TV, OP! My son is obsessed with a YouTube video about fire trucks at the minute

Can you splash out for a trampoline in the garden?

My DD was a climbing rabid limpet too and still tries to be (4.5)
If really desperate I would give her a bath with food colouring in “pink bath!”
I scraped the ice off the freezer and gave it to her to play with “snow” with food colouring in pipettes
I made treasure boxes which probably gave me 10 minutes peace
I bought her a kids knife set and she loved cutting and eating fruit/veg/cheese
I let her get my jewellery/sewing stuff out and have a rummage and touch all the needles!
Then you have things like Oobleck or bicarb and vinegar. She still loves these things now. I got a huge tray in TK Max so she can play with them at the table or in the garden
Imagination Tree is a good site.
Look up about “Loose Parts” play.
Use the garden for messy play. Chalks dipped in water to make “paint”. My DD will happily paint her entire body.

As the parent of a wonderful but incredibly exhausting 3 to I tell YANBU. You need that time to get your shit together and help you be a better parent, the parent he needs. It will do him no harm to be told no. Quite the opposite actually. For a while I repeatedly had to tell DC2 that I was not furniture but a human being who gets hurt when jumped on. We got there in the end. Try starting enforced "quiet time". It will take a while but it's worth it. It teaches them to relax a bit. Alternatively, buy a trampoline and turf him on to it for 30 mins a day. Amazing things.

This is literally what Peppa Pig was invented for, sit DD in high chair so she can’t get anything dangerous, stick tv on and relax.

I'll second the garden trampoline. One with a surrounding net. Has been a godsend here over the summer. Zip them in let the 'practice some moves' and get a peaceful cuppa!!

Is go with a visual timetable and routine.

So up, breakfast, get dressed and then go out! Walk/park/feed ducks/ collect some groceries. Anything active which he burns energy.

Then home for snack in front of tv. Put him in a high chair or buggy if you need to! Make it clear it snack and mummy time on the visual and use a timer so he can see when that time ends.

Get some large toys (soft play type stuff) and if you have a garden a waterproof gazebo so he can go outside. Swing all is also great. Can you turn under stairs cupboard into a sensory room area? Chalk paint on walls and lots of lights and fiddle toys.
Also a swing can be great for some kids.

Most boys this age need walking and lots of physical activity but throw in a genetic condition which has asd/adhd type behaviours with it and aghhhhhhhhhh 😂 (my ds also has 1!).

When DS2 was 3yo we had a collection of Disney movie books with accompanying CD. They can sort of read along even before they can read because it rings a bell to turn a page. They each lasted about 12 minutes and were sooooo useful in carving out a little unit of time, particularly Cars, Cars 2 and Planes. Probably because he could surround himself with the vehicles involved in the story.
You’ll make it to free hours but in the meantime, wear him out as much as you can first thing in the morn. Think of it as an investment for a moment’s peace after lunch!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. My twins are three and, for various reasons, we have had a particularly challenging week. I’ve started using a hot drink as an indicator that I’m having a bit of time off. So, I’ll say, ‘I’m going to make myself a cup of tea, and while I’m having my tea I’ll be having some time to myself.’ So, basically, if there’s tea in my cup, my lap cannot be occupied, I cannot get them a snack or a drink, I can’t help build a train track or find whatever toy they want. It’s really useful because they can see if I still have tea, and know they have to wait a little longer. They’ve been pretty good at occupying themselves during this time (although I appreciate that with twins they can rely on each other for a bit of entertainment) and I feel like I’ve had a few minutes to recharge after the demands of breakfast (which are many).

Have you got an aquadoodle mat? My dtwins LOVED theirs at that age, and would sit happily on the living room floor with it for ages and surprisingly the water in the pens last a while.

Stickers and a big scrap book from b & m bargains or a similar shop aren't expensive at all.

Playdoh would keep mine occupied for hours, although why do they always mix every colour together

It's good to teach him that he can't always have your full attention, and you need that mental break.

Set him up with an activity (drawing/Lego/play doh etc) and do it with him for a couple of minutes. Then say "Mummy is just going to put the washing on". Go upstairs to fetch the laundry, but sit down on your bed for a few minutes to knit/read/look at phone. When he shouts "mummy, where are you?" then go downstairs with the washing basket. Works for me!

My girls are recently 5 and 2 and they know that I get up make breakfasts, juices, lunchboxes, wipe butts whatever, but once my tea is made and they have finished in the kitchen they need to go entertain themselves for ten minutes so I can have my own moments peace. I must admit though I underestimated how much they entertain eachother... just seems like bickering and the odd game but DD1 was at grandmas last night for a rare treat and DD2 and I were at a bit of a loss! We had quality time of course and that was nice but I didn't notice how much DD1 keeps her occupied/supervised/entertained with her antics!

My ds wasn't fantastic at watching tv at that age either. I found that if he had loads of duplo to play with at the same time, he would watch tv a bit.

Another tip I tried to help them play independently was to join in and actively play with them for ten min, then creep out. I remember being surprised at how well that worked.

An iPad is also a good idea, obvs

I think it's completely reasonable to pop the tv on while you sit and relax for a bit! Also five minute mum on Instagram has some brilliant ideas for games they can play alone and a blog about independent play and encouraging it. She does ages 1-5 so might be helpful for your ds