To ask for your help to be a better mum?

[TheGreatElfTree]

Probably the wrong section to post in but here goes.

My 7 month old is honestly driving me to insanity. I'm a single mum, dads never been around. DS is the clingiest baby I've ever known and it's just getting impossible. He fights me on everything and I just can't take it anymore.

He won't let me put him down, ever. I sometimes get away with it when he naps but not a lot and I literally have to hold him against me all day or listen to a constant record of whinging. It NEVER stops. And I mean never. I put him down, even to grab a drink, he's whinging and screaming. And today I just lost it.

I was trying to eat lunch, tv on kids stuff (as always, and I find it incredibly irritating) and a fly that wouldn't leave me alone and him turning from in his walker to scream at me and I just went mental. I screamed at him to shut up, I put my hand over his mouth (not his nose) and I wheeled the walker outside the kitchen and shut the door because I just needed to eat and I was so hungry (I barely eat because he won't let me). I don't feel okay at all that I did this too him but I felt so out of control and all I wanted to do was eat. I can't wash, I can't nap, I can't eat, I can't even put him down to bring in a parcel as he just goes into full on screaming the second I put him down.

Another huge issue is his weight. He isn't gaining weight basically at all and we are seeing paediatric people for this but they've told me to wean (2 meals a day) and start some formula. With the bottles he just screams at them and spits and splutters so much he gets covered in it and chokes and none of it gets drunk. With food I have to hold his head still as he'll turn and pull away that much and force the spoon into his mouth and hope he doesn't spit it out. Feeding him like this feels cruel and takes forever, but otherwise there's no feeding him. Dentinox and Calpol go the same way and make a right mess. I am fighting him with everything, everything is a constant battle. He won't eat the food or drink the formula so is now losing weight but paediatrician says to just keep trying.

I know it's not right to treat my boy this way but my god what I wouldn't give to be able to put him down without hearing constant crying. It's hot and I'm sweaty and I just want to put him down for five minutes. Chores are done with a constant barrage of screams. He's currently crying in his cot as I just can't face it (the crying) right now and I'm a terrible mum.

The health visitor isn't an option for me as I saw her first for his weight issues and she gave us advice that actually made his health a lot worse so now I don't trust her and family all work a lot so I'm very alone. Please help me.

For the record, I can see him on the baby monitor so he's not completely left alone.

That sounds really tough. He’s 7 months so can start solids ok but milk should be the main food til age 1. Is he sleeping at night? Can you get stuff done then?
Can family help at weekends? You need a break before you do something you will regret even more as babies/toddlers can push you to your absolute limits of sanity.
What’s he like in the buggy? Can you push him around until he’s asleep, then rest yourself?

Hi OP

Firstly you are not a bad mum! Absolutely anyone would find this almost impossible to deal with. Nobody would be able to just cope with it.

Have you got any support - family nearby? Have you been to the doctor just to rule out any medical reason for the crying?

I dont have any advice but sure people will be along to share similar experiences. It's hard to believe at the time when every minute seems like an hour but it wont be like this forever

@JustDanceAddict He is weaning but like I said I have to force it. And he takes breastmilk with no issue but the formula is what the paediatrician has told us to do.

Some family helps at the weekend but not a lot.

I do a lot when he's asleep but I still need to eat/drink/answer the door/pee during the day.

He's good in the pram but the idea of doing that multiple times a day is worse as I have to constantly keep it moving or he just wakes up and cries to be picked up.

OP, no wonder you are struggling.

My eldest was like this. He was a miserable baby and I hated the baby stage with him because all he did was cry all day long. I had a hold him for naps. I honestly couldn't do anything without him crying. The saving grace was I had my DH to take the load and I had family around me to help as well.

The reason he was so miserable was because he had reflux. He probably actually had an allergy or intolerance to cows milk I found out later on after he developed asthma. Once he was weaned and had medicine for the reflux he was a much happier baby and I was a happier mum.

There are a few things that make me wonder if your DC also has something similar. The constant crying and refusing to feed sound just like my DS. I'd really push with the doctors to get to the bottom of what is going on.

Does your DC have a dummy? This was a life saver for me. My DS also liked being in his car seat so I stuck that on the pram and took him for walks lots.

Can your friends or family help on weekends so you can get some kind of break. If totally stuck, have you considered a childminder or nursery for one day a week just to give you some breathing space?

@AmIRightOrAMeringue First off, love the username!

Thank you, I'm just not doing too well. I really want to be what he needs but right now he's asleep on me and I'm holding in yet another pee because I can't put him down.

I've spoken to the paediatrician about it but she seems to think that because he's basically never been looked after by other people I'm his constant so he just wants me all the time. It doesn't feel normal.

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice except have you tried a sling? My kids weren't that clingy as babies but my daughter had a clingy phase. What saved my sanity was a good sling. As soon as she was nestled safely next to me she was quiet and content and usually fell asleep. It meant I had my hands free and could do most chores, eat etc. It sounds so tough. Please remember that before you know it he'll be running around the house and definitely won't want to be held! Some babies are so challenging. My DD cried so much and I couldn't believe she'd ever be normal and happy but now she's the loveliest child you could imagine.

Sounds similar to my daughter who also had reflux. Push to get tests done.
Luckily I had a husband who I could hand her to when he got home so really feel for you. My daughter had a dummy and I had a set of ear defenders / plugs to muffle the crying which eased things slightly.

@Fatted I honestly am just trying to get through each day as it happens.

He does have reflux and a blood test for the weight issues showed an extremely mild cows milk allergy. I have little dairy in my diet and I tried renitidine but that resulted in projectile sick everywhere. So I'm not sure what to try next.

I know this will pass but right now I can't even answer my door or change his nappy without screaming.

@SallyWD I have a sling and it works to an extent but whenever he's awake in it he tries to wriggle out so I always have to have one hand on him anyway.

No disrespect but I’d see a different paed as I’m not sure about the formula advice. Why switch from bf now? My DD never took a bottle - I bf’d Her until about 10 months when my supply pretty much dried up - then we switched to formula in a cup which took a while to master but was fine in end. She was having it on cereal so tried to top her up that way. BF is nutritionally best as it changes along w your baby’s needs.
Plus the ‘you’re the only person he’s known’ crap so he’s clingy - my dd was clingy and she had both parents, grandparents etc. Although not to the extent of your ds it was still hard to put her down.

@TheStirrer What tests should I push for? He rarely throws up food or milk now though a few weeks back there was a stage of throwing up every meal. He has loads of dummy's but they usually get thrown so not a huge success.

Head back to your GP - for both of you.
Get in touch with Homestart.
If you still have a local Surestart centre go there and ask for some support too.
Do you go to any baby groups, Rhyme Time at the library? The change of scenery might do you both good. Even if he’s clinging to you at least you can chat to other adults!
Sorry it’s so rough, if you were near me I’d happily come and super nanny for you!

@JustDanceAddict The paed wants him so formula so she can make sure he's getting enough calories. She basically wants to know if his weight issues are because of me not having enough milk (though he always seems happiest after a breastfeed) or because of another issue with DS.

I thought it was crap too tbh. He's just clingy, and I doubt that's to do with him only having his mum around. I'm sorry you went through this too.

I find the NHS tries to push formula in cases like this which is utterly baffling when they push ‘breast is best’ so heavily during pregnancy. My DS lost a lot of weight at birth and struggled to gain for a while so a consultant said I should do mix feeding which I categorically refused. She told me this while I was BFing him sitting beside a NHS breast is best poster too, the irony...

Breast milk is best. Now he’s seven months he can eat some solids too, just offer more fatty foods like peanut butter (obvs the 100% peanuts stuff) and avocado. I wouldn’t fret over it though in all honesty, I’m sure he won’t stay tiny until he’s 18! Some just gain weight slower than others.

Anyway, the behavioural stuff will also pass although I understand the exhaustion right now. My DC2 was very much like this too and no one understands if they haven’t had a child like this. I used to put her in her bouncer and basically transport her to every room I went to including the toilet. It was exhausting but the only way I could cope for the first year really.

@checkingforballoons I tried the GP and they just said to speak to the pead who isn't overly helpful tbh.

There's isn't a surestart place here and no more baby groups, they all shut down. I take him swimming once a week and that's really good but I can't afford to do it more often.

Surprised no one has mentioned this yet, but please stop force feeding. Your baby doesnt want to eat while being pressured, clearly. He might take to finger foods where he is in control, much better, given time.

My LO is CMPA and severe reflux, and has a bottle aversion (purely prescription formula fed). I was told to force feed milk too when he was on dairy and poorly medicated and in pain and didn't want it, and I'm now coming out of 5 months of pure hell, screaming at every single attempted feed etc. Forcing the milk didnt even keep us out of hospital for poor weight gain, it just made us both miserable. Really, really bad. About where you are now. Your baby may develop long term issues with solid food that are very hard to break if you keep forcing it. Just my 2 cents. Dont mean to sound bossy, but wouldnt wish this on anyone.

As for the rest. It's really hard, and I can only empathize. Try a different type of sling (sling library near you?), he may have a preference.

It sounds like you need to get his health under control (not a judgement, mine is 6 months and his still isnt). If you gave the ranatidine a good go, push for omeprazole - its usually only once a day, and is tasteless in the water. Also, the allergy might be mild, but it might be causing enough pain to make him miserable. Can you cut out dairy and soy, or push for a prescription formula trial? Cry at the gp if needs be. I had to a few times - some gps take you seriously, and others don't unless you kick up a stink.

So he’s been diagnosed for cows milk protein allergy? What formula are you trying to give him? And what are you weaning him on?

You need to remove all dairy from your diet if you want to continue to breastfeed him. And breastmilk is the very best thing for him if he has an allergy as it is brilliant for gut health and restoring a damaged digestive tract. You should also remove all soya from your diet as the protein is very similar. Soya is in so much processed food so even if you think you’re not consuming dairy you could be getting a lot of soya from things like sliced bread.

Stop force feeding your son solids. This will be causing him a huge amount of stress. Try baby led weaning with things like sweet potatoes. And make sure he’s breastfeeding a lot to try and get his weight back up. Does he feed overnight still?

I also second what other people say about using a sling so you can hold him and still get things done.

Sorry just saw your updates about sticking with breast, so ignore my formula suggestion. Can you cut out milk and soy though? Apparently soy allergy often goes with CMPA.

Poor you OP. My youngest was very hard work so I can understand how desperate you feel. To me it sounds like he’s in pain somewhere, I would go back to your GP and explain everything again to him/her and tell them just how bad things are for you.

Would a childminder a couple of afternoons a week be an option? Also try and get out of the house every day with him in the pram, the motion will send him to sleep/keep him quiet and the fresh air will do you good.

Really hope things improve for you soon!

You poor thing
That sounds really, really tough. You are not a bad Mum, not at all. You're doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

Would any of your family or friends be willing to babysit for a few hours on a weekend to give you a break if you told them honestly how much you're struggling? If not could you afford to hire a babysitter? Even just for a couple of hours. You sound like you really need some time to yourself and there's absolutely no shame in that.

I don't want to contradict your paed, but if your baby BF's with no problems and won't accept a bottle then can you just offer extra BF to get his weight up? I'm not saying disregard their advice, but maybe explain to them that you've tried very hard to persevere with the formula but DS won't accept it and trying to force the issue is becoming very stressful for both of you.

It may be worth asking to see a different Health Visitor, you are within your rights to do that and even if they don't have any specific advice it would at least be someone to talk to about what you're going through.

@Liland The paediatrician is on me to force feed. She's insisting he needs to eat, every day, and to make him. Some days I just let him not as it's too upsetting.

He won't take any bottle or formula, I've tried so hard to make him but he won't.

I'm gonna get to the GP tomorrow to ask for omeprozole but if he's not throwing up does he still have reflux?

Stop watching kids TV, the baby doesn’t care. Just put something fairly calm on. I had Chef‘s table and a Place in the Sun on with mine, for example.

I have no practical advice that hasn't already been said but just wanted to reassure you it's not your parenting skills that are the issue. I'd second the advice not to force feed, it'll just stress you both out. Go back to the GP and explain his symptoms again. You have my sympathies, lone parenting is tough at times, hugely rewarding at others. Try to get some support and stop being hard on yourself. You're doing a great job in a really difficult situation without any support. I wish I could give you a hug.

@user1480880826

The cows milk allergy I have been told by GP to ignore as it was one point or whatever they measure it in above the threshold of an allergy so isn't significant. Also I don't have the time to eat unprocessed food so cutting out soy would be almost impossible. I'm lactose intolerant myself so aside from a bit of chocolate once a day there's not a lot of dairy in my diet and the formula is Hipp Combiotic as suggested by the pead. He's no good with his hands and eating with them yet so ignores food in front of him, so baby led weaning probably wouldn't work so well. The sling helps, but he's a wrigglers in it and pinched and scratches me to get out which is more stressful.

Sounds really hard OP. Babies are clingy, some more than others of course but it's not your fault, he just loves being with you.

I remember when my son was too big for a bouncer but not crawling yet. It was a tricky time. Some things that helped with the clinginess...

I found that if I sat and played with him for a bit, he would settle down and then I could slowly retreat a few steps to make some lunch. If he was plonked and then I walked away immediately, he would become upset.

Treasure boxes were a bit hit at this age. Fill a shoe box full of household items that he hasn't seen before and let him sift through it and examine each one. Start off looking with him and showing him what each thing is or how it feels and then slowly retreat when he is transfixed. Refresh the items in the box every few days to stop him getting bored.

I read a tip to use a tissue box and fill with colourful scarves to let them empty that too but never tried it. Sounded good though.

Sit him on the kitchen floor with tuperware boxes, pans, lids, various spoons and show him how to bang them to make a load of noise.

Put a towel down and give him a bowl of bubbles with some spoons and random bits in.

Sit him in his high chair as you cook and give him kitchen items to look at, or give him tit bits of food of whatever you are making. Show him how you chop/whisk/stir/pour and give him a running commentary.

Give him a bowl of cooked rice/noodles/pasta on the floor so he can play with it and it's fine to eat.

When he is more mobile keep a cupboard unlocked for him to explore. We used the tuperware cupboard.

Have you thought about trying BLW instead of traditional spoon feeding? At this age I found eating was just a big game to my son and he would explore and try everything. We cut up a shower curtain to catch dropped food and bought some of those bibs with arms to keep him cleanish.

Sorry if you have tried all this, but a combination or variations of all the above kept me sane at that age.

I also agree that you should press for further help with his weight loss and other issues.