To ask for your help to be a better mum?

[TheGreatElfTree]

Probably the wrong section to post in but here goes.

My 7 month old is honestly driving me to insanity. I'm a single mum, dads never been around. DS is the clingiest baby I've ever known and it's just getting impossible. He fights me on everything and I just can't take it anymore.

He won't let me put him down, ever. I sometimes get away with it when he naps but not a lot and I literally have to hold him against me all day or listen to a constant record of whinging. It NEVER stops. And I mean never. I put him down, even to grab a drink, he's whinging and screaming. And today I just lost it.

I was trying to eat lunch, tv on kids stuff (as always, and I find it incredibly irritating) and a fly that wouldn't leave me alone and him turning from in his walker to scream at me and I just went mental. I screamed at him to shut up, I put my hand over his mouth (not his nose) and I wheeled the walker outside the kitchen and shut the door because I just needed to eat and I was so hungry (I barely eat because he won't let me). I don't feel okay at all that I did this too him but I felt so out of control and all I wanted to do was eat. I can't wash, I can't nap, I can't eat, I can't even put him down to bring in a parcel as he just goes into full on screaming the second I put him down.

Another huge issue is his weight. He isn't gaining weight basically at all and we are seeing paediatric people for this but they've told me to wean (2 meals a day) and start some formula. With the bottles he just screams at them and spits and splutters so much he gets covered in it and chokes and none of it gets drunk. With food I have to hold his head still as he'll turn and pull away that much and force the spoon into his mouth and hope he doesn't spit it out. Feeding him like this feels cruel and takes forever, but otherwise there's no feeding him. Dentinox and Calpol go the same way and make a right mess. I am fighting him with everything, everything is a constant battle. He won't eat the food or drink the formula so is now losing weight but paediatrician says to just keep trying.

I know it's not right to treat my boy this way but my god what I wouldn't give to be able to put him down without hearing constant crying. It's hot and I'm sweaty and I just want to put him down for five minutes. Chores are done with a constant barrage of screams. He's currently crying in his cot as I just can't face it (the crying) right now and I'm a terrible mum.

The health visitor isn't an option for me as I saw her first for his weight issues and she gave us advice that actually made his health a lot worse so now I don't trust her and family all work a lot so I'm very alone. Please help me.

For the record, I can see him on the baby monitor so he's not completely left alone.

Numerous HVs and GPs told me to force feed milk. The many paediatricians we've now seen were all horrified by it and told me to stop immediately (too late sadly, damage was done). I would say, especially in your case, as he doesn't NEED solid foods (yet) like he needs milk, let him get there in his own time instead of making it yet another battle. The stronger you push, the more upsetting it'll be for the both of you, and the more he is likely to fight it. Is that not what's happening already?

Some babies have silent reflux and don't throw up (or so I read a lot), but they are in pain from it. I'm not an expert, and don't know on what basis your LO's reflux is diagnosed? Has milk always caused pain, or is he just generally miserable? Is he happy if his tummy gets completely empty, for example? Can he be laid flat on top of you? I think most reflux babies don't completely stop throwing up on ranatidine (we used to have that) or omeprazole (mine certainly didn't), it just stops the pain.

Also agree with the comment about the kids TV and actually TV in general at this age. Probably too much stimulation. I just talked to my son about what we were doing or play simple nursery rhymes on Alexa when I'm sick of my own voice.

OP, he’s not supposed to be independent at seven months. He’s supposed to cling to you, prefer you over others, feed frequently, sleep whenever he likes and play with you when he’s awake and feels like it.

He doesn’t need activity toys, activity boxes etc. He needs your attention, and maybe something to throw or rattle. Hold him and talk to him about what you can see around you. Follow his lead. He’s right. Do it his way.

You either have a dairy allergy or you don’t. Being “one point above” a threshold sounds like a totally meaningless measure to me. Also, dairy allergies can’t be tested with a blood test so it sounds a bit like you’ve been given bad advice. I would try and speak to a different GP if I were you. A baby that cries that much is not normal and needs investigating.

That's great advice Barry, but how do you suggest OP manages to eat something three times a day?

You are really struggling, I'm so sorry xx

First of all, this will change. Babies go through phases and they often don't stay in one pattern for long. While you're still trying to work out a solution to one problem, they've stopped doing it and are on to the next.

Are you looking after yourself, eating properly etc? When my son was a baby (younger than yours is) he wasn't gaining weight very well. I was BFing. The GP told me that either I should start him on formula, or I would have to start taking it easier, resting more, eating more calories. I really didn't want to use formula and I thought the second option sounded more fun, so I did that - at least, I tried, but since my older child was under 2, it just wasn't possible to rest much. My son never gained a lot of weight (he never had that 'chubby baby' look) but he's fine - he's nearly 8, full of beans and mischief, no issues at all.

I would say this: obviously take the health professionals' expertise into account, but remember that you know your own baby, and this is an important sort of expertise too. I would not force feed - he might just not be interested in food yet (mine weren't, at his age). One thing you could try is eating your own meals with him close enough to grab stuff from your plate to explore if he feels like it - basically baby led weaning. And eat tons of fatty foods yourself! You said he seems happiest after a breastfeed, and you know him best. Eat tons, rest as much as possible, feed on demand. If you can, get friends and relatives to do chores for you when they come round, and to bring you meals if possible.

I'm sorry if I sound bossy! And I'm not an expert. But I know how it is to raise a baby alone (my ex was hardly around when my second was born, and he's out of the picture now), have the baby fail to gain weight, and feel like you are a slave to the baby. And I also remember how unconfident I was, and can see now that I did know best. It just sounds like the advice you're being given is making things harder, not easier, for the two of you. Hugs ... and before you know it, it will be you posting messages on here saying 'it was awful but we got through it' xxx

My DD had reflux and CMPA and was breastfed until past her first birthday. She was weaned onto food at 5 months under paediatrician and dietitian but didn’t take to eating properly for a VERY long time. Please don’t force your DS to eat. Offer food but keep milk as his main food. Breastfeed if that’s what was working! And please seek advice from another healthcare professional.

Following on from user1480880826 - dairy allergies are usually non-immediate, which can't be found in a blood test. My LO has never had an allergy test, they diagnosed by elimination for 6 weeks and then reintroduction of very small quantities, and went by the response (agony according to LO). I'm not sure what yours has actually been tested for?

Also my DD’s dairy allergy was non-Ige which meant it didn’t show up in blood or skin prick tests.

And if you want to change to formula then PUSH for a cmpa one. We had this for DD when I stopped breastfeeding her.

That's great advice Barry, but how do you suggest OP manages to eat something three times a day?

I know this question wasn't directed at me, but there are things you can do to help get the calories in. Eat chocolate bars while your pasta is cooking. Extra cheese on everything. Guilt-free crisps for breakfast. At this stage it's all about the calories!

Unfortunately it took me a while to get out of these bad habits post-breastfeeding, but it was necessary at the time. With both my kids, I struggled to keep the weight on when they hit the 6-month mark. Just eat, even if it's not always the healthiest foods.

Mine got better when she walked at 9 months but unfortunately is still clingy at 15 months. I relied heavily on family and put her in nursery even though she fucking hated it as soon as I could. I needed it for my sanity.

• OP, he’s not supposed to be independent at seven months. He’s supposed to cling to you, prefer you over others, feed frequently, sleep whenever he likes and play with you when he’s awake and feels like it.

He doesn’t need activity toys, activity boxes etc. He needs your attention, and maybe something to throw or rattle. Hold him and talk to him about what you can see around you. Follow his lead. He’s right. Do it his way*

Come on, this really minimises what is extreme levels of clinginess. Of course babies need attention, but not even able to put him down to get a parcel without him screaming? And suggesting that she isn't giving him enough attention when her entire day she gets barely any time to herself? She's exhausted and has a very high needs baby.

OP, if he's good in the pram when it's moving, have you tried a Rockit? It attaches to the pram and sort of jiggles it - I've used it quite a lot with my DD when we've come back from a walk and I don't want her to wake up yet.

If you have a high chair, put him in it and put some sliced avocado on the tray (good calories) and some sliced banana and try and give him a spoon feed- like mashed potatoes,peas whatever you think hell eat.

Hell be distracted gripping the new foods that you can pop food in.

Absolutely get him back to the GP for prescribed formula. Even try it in ice cubes or a sippy cub. When hes eating, you're eating so he can watch what you're doing and you get peace to eat too.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you been offered omeprazole for baby?

You can ask for a different health visitor. I came to truly hate mine and told them I wanted another and they gave me one. I was at the end of my tether too.

OP don't beat yourself up too much - it is absolutely maddening. Obviously it's not his fault but you are only human. You need a break and I hope you manage to get some help. This phase will end xxx

Rodent, I'm very much the type of person who enjoyed nothing more than lazy days of playing, talking, cuddling, tickling, singing, breastfeeding and co-sleeping with my baby. I also remember how long some of those days can be when you are on your own, the house is a tip, you can't get anywhere on time (or at all) and come 6pm no-one will arrive to give you a break. I've definitely eaten way too many biscuits and random things grabbed out of the fridge.

That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting you (and baby) to eat a decent meal regularly, and employing a few interesting objects to keep them occupied so you can cook a bit of sauce and some vegetables to go with your pasta and chocolate.

This sounds really hard and i'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I am really no expert, but would he accept formula/expressed breastmilk out of a cup rather than a bottle?

There's nothing wrong with putting him in a safe place and going into another room to drown out the crying for a few minutes, if can feel yourself about to explode.

I would go with the advise of others and go back to the GP. Can you still breastfeed or has it dried up? I was put under pressure to stop breastfeeding as my DS was slow to gain weight but i changed GP and persevered with the BF. When I weaned him at 6 months he went on formula and it seemed to hurt his tummy but then I found a formula that worked well for him and then it was fine. Formula might be hurting his tummy which is why he wants BF. Could you try maybe some other formula? Does he sleep during the day. If i didn't feel like going for a walk, I would just roll the pram up and down in the garden until he feel asleep and then would bring him inside and I would have a break then. To me though because it never stops, It might be a pain issue.

No advice about the baby but loads of sympathy. It sound absolutely draining.

I was wondering what you do with your day? It doesn't sound like my kids were as bad as yours but they were still irritating when they were babies. I found it helped me a lot to be out and about. It didn't always go well but I felt better being busy out the house. I'd take take them for a walk in the morning to see the ducks or something and would either visit friends or wander aimlessly around town in the afternoon. Wherever possible I'd meet up with other Mums.

I was lucky that I had a car and was able to afford playgroups etc but maybe there are some other free activities you could find. I'd just try everything I could - libraries, museums whatever. I understand your child is a bit too young but I'd do whatever it takes to get out the house.

The other thing that helped me was to treat being a parent as a job. I made sure I kept the house tidy and that I cooked healthy food etc even if I didn't much feel like it with the bay screaming.
I know this wouldn't work for everyone but it was good for me.

I needed to feel that I had achieved something at least.

Finally you just have to keep reminding yourself that this time will pass. It's very hard but it will get better.

Excuse all the typos

Wonder/wander 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are not a bad mum but you do need support as babies are hard work. Ask anyone that you can. A couple of things...1. if he hates formula ... breast is best anyway ..can you supplement with baby rice? My first was a hungry screaming nightmare and health visitor slyly told me to give it to her...at 13 weeks!!! It calmed her down. Nothing that allergenic in it. 2. Get a sling and carry him around in that. The clinginess will pass. Babies are bonkers but they do change ..the clinginess will change. Give in to it and work around it. I repeat...ask for help from mates siblings...anyone so you get a break. Warn them he will cry. He will be ok if with someone kind. 3. Avoid kids tv...it is not good for him, will start him early on screen addiction. Watch something that will chill you out as long as there is no arguing (eg soap operas) as he will be stressed by that.

Sorry. Just saw you tried a sling. Gah...you need sone time for yourself...are there people who can help?

A lot of this advice is great. But there also seems to be a lot of ignoring of what you actually did earlier. You can't be covering his mouth while screaming in his face and it's irrelevant that his nose wasn't covered. That behaviour was abusive. If you have reached the point of where you are at, you need to get help NOW.

An awful lot of that wee baby's needs come across as if you are blaming him. You are totally allowed to be annoyed and upset, go into another room etc but you're not allowed to act how you are anxiety/depression/PND or not. Get help.