My friend ended our 16 year friendship ..aibu to think I wasn't in the wrong?

[tallyhoo356]

We have been friends for years now.
It's always been a weird one,she would put me down a lot and try and order me around,it went on that long I put up with it.
My friend is friends with 3 girls through work.
I met them when we went on a night out and got on well with them.
They added me to their group chat and we all got chatting.
They started inviting me on nights out and weekends away and they were lovely girls.
Every time my "friend" would try and be little me in front of them and make me look stupid.
We went on a weekend away and after my friend immediately stopped speaking to me.
I text her and she said she no longer wanted to be friends as at the weekend away I didn't spend Much time with her (she was miserable that I was there and was trying to exclude me)
Anyway she removed me from the group chat and I'm no longer invited on the nights out /weekends away
The girls have been messaging me saying she is being pathetic and hope we sort it out.
Aibu to think she's made this argument up as I was making friends with these girls and she didn't like it?
By her not being my friend anymore means I no longer will be invited.
I'm really hurt

Op, if she were your partner, everywould say you were in an abusive relationship. She belittles you, tries to control you, excludes you. You feel hurt because she went out of her way to hurt you.
This is not anyone’s definition of friendship. I realise you don’t feel it right now, but you are so much better off without her.

Please seek friends who are on your side, who have your back and are loyal. If friends don’t make you feel good, what’s the point of them?

Sorry you’ve been treated this way

@HisBetterHalf they've tried to help me sort it out but she's told them she doesn't want to sort it out.
They've been great.
We are all going away in October for 2 nights so that should be interesting.
I've paid my money so I'm going.

obviously these women aren't adult/mature enough to have a separate friendship with you so why are you even bothering with them?

You became a threat to her so she has excluded you. The others don't sound like they have a backbone either.

I'd cancel the holiday, she'll make your time miserable.

Honestly, having been through something similar, you will be better off without her. I had a friend that had been my best mate since I was 7, lots of life lived together, she went through some difficult times herself, while I was going through some tough times too - she chose to cut me off. Afterwards lots of friends told me they weren't sure what I had been getting out of the friendship - I had definitely been at her beck and call in so many ways.

In short, give it a few months and you will probably see it very differently.

I don't understand the way her mind works.

Her mind works like this:

“I have to have all the power in this situation. I feel like shit if my friend has other friends, so I need to exclude her.
Shit , she’s somehow been invited away with us, I’m going to be foul towards her to freeze her out.
I need to be top dog, she needs to do what I say.
Because this is so unreasonable, my other friends won’t go along with it and treat her like an actual human being. So I have to cut her out of the friendship group and make rules about what they can all do.
Because I’m stroppy people generally do what I say to keep the peace. They don’t want drama and that’s where my power lies.
I can’t have her being happy or popular because there is only a little of those things to go round, and I DONT HAVE ENlOIGH OF THEM. If she is popular it means I’m not, so I’m going to end our friendship. “

Basically if she were more happy and secure she wouldn’t have to do any of this. She is suffering for sure, but her resulting unkindness means you need to keep away from her.

Your "friend" assigned you the role she wants you to have in her life - someone to belittle, be subordinate to her, and to be viewed by others in groups in the same way. She doesn't like or want it to be any different.
You've seen how well you get on with & are liked by others. This is because you're nice.
By all means go on the holiday, and take your new found insights & confidence with you. If you maintain friendships with these other women well & good, but regardless start expanding your social circle where no-one has witnessed your "friend" denigrating you. You deserve it.

Invite them to things yourself, just because she was originally friends with them and that's how you got to know them doesn't give her custody of them if your friendship has ended with her. Most people who become friends meet through other friends, in fact that's how I met my husband even! They are yor friends now, not her friends and you tagging along.

I've sort of had this happen to me, although we were 18 so she was quite immature. We had been friends since high school and ended up at the same uni. Long story short we ended up in the same block of halls and I made friends with one lot of people she another. After a couple of months the girls I'd made friends with started being horrible and basically kicked me out their gang (over a boy). So I went to my friend for help. She had made a new group of friends and they all got on. But she did this very weird thing of trying to put them off me, just saying horrible things and generally making it difficult for me to make friends. They realised what she was up to after a few months and all started to find her behaviour a bit bizarre. As time went on (finishing uni, all moving away etc) my friend drifted from the group (they decided they didn't actually like her, which I actually still find a bit mean) and now she doesn't even speak to them. I've remained close friends with them 17 years on and still meet up regularly. We laugh about how they were collectively know as "gemma's friends" for years as though they belonged to her!

Why are the others allowing her to behave like this?

Because they see the abuse she doled out to OP and don't want the same treatment themselves. They are fine with OP being treated like that as it means they won't be in the firing line, and they can still pat themselves on the back as being "kind" as they tell OP that treatment is awful, yet continue not to stand up to the abuser in the group and just go along with her antics.

I would bin the lot of them off and find friends that deserve you OP, not grown women behaving like they are in a playground.

Oldest friends are not the best. I got rid if a friend I had known for 17 years because I was not taking their abuse any longer. I have made better friends since

Bullies will keep on pushing the boundaries until someone pushes back and calls them out. They can't cope with anything other than validating their unpleasantness.

I have a 'friend' like this too, who was really vile to someone who was 'her' friend and not mine, when we finally got to meet on a trip away and clicked instantly. Our mutual friend was really vicious to this poor woman, who ended up leaving the hotel and having to go home. As my 'friend' was recovering from a major operation and having treatment for cancer, we all felt we had to excuse her behaviour. I had to put up with the outrageous name-calling against the poor women that my 'friend' indulged in afterwards, as I shared a room with her and was the car driver for four of the group.

The fact remains that she is and always has been a very jealous and selfish person, with or without her serious health issues. If she hadn't had those problems, we would all have told her where to get off. The only issue on that trip was her resentment that this really lovely woman was more popular than she was, but the reasons for that were blindingly obvious.

Your friend sounds very similar.

She's sounds very childish, I would just let her go tbh, she doesn't sound like a nice person

Wendy is an MN term.

You invite a friend of yours (Wendy)to mix with another group of friends she didn't know previously. She then moves in, takes over the group and pushes you out.
You have been Wendied.

I am not saying the OP is doing this. I'm saying the friend is making sure it doesn't happen.

You should just try to foster the friendship with the others, apart from her. If they won't because they are afraid of her (sounds like she's a bully), maybe just tell her to stop acting like a child and interfering with your other friendships. Try to get her to agree to just be neutral on the topic and you will as well, agree that it's unfair to put others in the middle. If she won't agree or the others allow themselves to be bullied, I'm afraid there's not much you can do, and it sucks. It all sounds so juvenile on her part, and if the others buy into it, as hurtful and hard as it may be, it's time to find new friends.

She is being pathetic and jealous. I would message her that you have done your best to resolve the issue, and thats all you can do.

I would arrange a night out with the new friends, and go! I am sure they will prefer your company to that of your sulky difficult friend. Spend more time with your other friends too, and let your old friend come to her senses (or not) It is very childish, but she is obv feels pushed out by your arrival.

She doesn't sound like a great friend leaving aside the latest episode, if she is always putting you down why have you stayed friends for so long? I would stop seeing a friend that treated me this way, she doesn't sound like a nice person, and no great loss.

You sound like a lovely person, but sometimes you need to disregard those who make you unhappy. Your 'friend' has shown her true colours, your attempts to sort things out have been rebuffed. If you like these girls then I would agree with others and just make a new group.
I would advise caution though, whilst they maybe nice, you don't know them well enough to trust them completely so be careful how you act and what you say around them just in case

Oh I had a so-called friend like this once. She had to be the centre around whom all other friendships revolved and she really didn't like it when her friends were friends with each other or saw one another without her there. V odd. She liked to belittle people in front of others too. As a joke, of course.

Tell the others that you have tried to sort it out but that she doesn't want to, so unfortunately you will never be able to see any of them again. Wipe an imaginary tear from your eye as you stride off into the sunset. Hopefully they will realise how silly and childish they are all (perhaps inadvertently) being!

Their loss if they aren't prepared to keep the friendship going so as to not upset her.

Don´t try any more with this friend. Shrug your shoulders and walk off and leave her in your past. Ask the new friends if they want to meet up. If they don't, then leave them behind too. Move on and find new friends.

titchy message is perfect op use this 👇
Message the others: 'Hi everyone. Really sorry about the situation with x and myself. I would love for it to be resolved but unfortunately x doesn't seem to want that. I've had a lovely time at our get-togethers, and think a great deal of you all, and woudl love to be able to continue to meet up from time to time. Howevrer I understand if that's too uncomfortable given the situation, and if so I wish you all the best very best. Warm wishes, OP'
Hopefully the others will realise your ex friend is a bitch and dump, Have some self respect and stop giving her head space, I absolutely would dodge the mimi break accept the lost money because it will NOT end well

Ooh @Nofunkingworriesmate @titchy I missed that - PERFECT reply. True to you being a nice person but also communicating your real feelings.

I’d do what titchy said but stress how hard you’ve tried and maybe add in a definite suggestion of when you might meat up saying you’d be happy for old friend to come too. Less chance of things just not happening if there is a definite occasion in mind.

Meet Ffs.