To be annoyed at smug mums?

[ajonesy]

Now I'm not being a bitch here, but I have a close friend who's always bragging about how she had the "perfect textbook birth" and how she found it so easy and snapped back to prebirth weight within a week.

Me on the other hand had an horrendous labour. Was totally out of it and hardly remember the day (to be honest I think I reacted funnily to the dihyrdocodeine), had 2 failed epidurals, failed forceps delivery and eventually an emergency section

I feel so robbed of having a good birthing experience that I get so upset hearing others talking about theirs, because I just barely remember any of mine. I honestly don't know how to move on from it, it's been over 3 months and that day is still etched into my mind, for all the wrong reasons.

AIBU to feel so shit about this?

YABU to be angry at your friend for her good experience. It’s not her fault you had a shit time.

YANBU to feel the way you do over your own experience, that sounds really tough OP. It’s only 3 months so emotions are still pretty raw. It will fade eventually

Have you been to birth reflections or similar? If they have it in your area. I found it really helped as I at least knew what had actually happened.

I also had an awful time with my first and it really impacted me, with hindsight I should have got help for the anxiety it created. She had been in NICU and I used to get so jealous and angry about people having their babies with them right after birth.

She’s 4 now and it is much better, so much so that I’m expecting no.2 but at 3 months it will still be so raw.

I felt like it happened and it needed to for my DD to be safe and healthy and just count my lucky stars she is ok, it could have been worse.

I have had so many stories about perfect births and did I try hypno birthing, walking, chanting... etc as if it would have changed the outcome, it definitely wouldn’t have. I really don’t think people think about it when they start on, my own sister did it to me about how quick she is at giving birth....

Focus on your beautiful baby, who is happy, healthy and with you. The birth will soon seem a thing of the past and you can focus on new memories together.

I have been thinking about asking for a birth debrief but I'm too scared because i know it will bring me back to that time and it was just horrendous

Just wanted to second the recommendation for birth reflection - I didn't think I had been that upset by the birth, and initially felt a bit silly/like I was misusing resources to book the reflection - but when I had it, and they said that it had been mishandled and apologised, I just felt this huge weight lift. I hadn't realised how much I'd been carrying it around with me until I shared it and also got enough answers to sort out in my own mind what had actually happened.

Yanbu but this is 100% about you and how you feel, and not your friend (even if she is smug).
I really think you need to talk to someone about your feelings.

Also 3 months is no time at all to come to terms with this.

You can't blame your friend for not having a shit time!

I do sympathise though. I think I was quite traumatised by the birth of my twins. It took time but it is completely fine now and I have my beautiful children.

Talk to someone if it helps, but also just give yourself time to get over it. In the meantime don't resent other people who had an easier time of it - its not their fault.

I think discussing birth is tedious anyway and it only really happens when your child is a baby. Nobody stands around discussing their birth when their child is at school. It’s the same as formula v breastfeeding, it only really matters when they’re a baby then nobody cares at all.

It honestly does make me feel like shit though. Why was my experience so terrible? Everything that could have wrong during the labour went wrong, despite being told different things from the midwife/consultant

I think that, especially given you remember so little of it, it might help to have someone talk you through the birth, in order to give you 'ownership' of it, because it sounds as if other people's smuggery about their 'textbook births' is the narrative that's uppermost in your mind, and you seem to feel you can't talk about yours.

I had a very medicalised birth, but was lucky enough to have several other people in my NCT group have similar, so we collectively irritated the fuck out of our old-school hippy-dippy teacher at the reunion, by talking very solemnly about our vastly increased respect for obstetric medicine and our intense gladness surgical intervention was available.

(Of course we had misgivings about our births, too, but I think it was helpful to have another collective narrative that medicalised deliveries have a lot to recommend them (over death, for example), and the fact that one of our group got HELLP syndrome and did almost die put everything into perspective...)

When I first started to read your post I thought well birth is different for everyone and if it’s still on your mind... then I read it’s only been three months! Of course it is very fresh and you will be thinking ‘if onlys’ and ‘what ifs’... you have to give yourself time to physically and mentally heal. And to let go of the birth that wasn’t as you’d planned and hoped.
I haven’t heard of birth reflections and personally not sure if I’d want to go back and dissect it. But I think you’re expecting too much from yourself. It’s an emotional time. Try to enjoy your baby, don’t get hung up on other people’s vs your experience. Time is a great healer.

It's only been three months. I agree with PP, it would probably help to talk it through with someone but also, give it time.

Do remember also that everyone has their own struggles that you might not know about. So your friend may well have had a "perfect textbook delivery", but she might really struggle with breastfeeding, or her baby waking up multiple times in the night, or refusing to nap, or her relationship is really suffering because of the baby, etc etc etc. Nobody's having the perfect time with their perfect baby. Perfect does not exist.

@NotSoFrankly You are right, I do feel like I have no ownership of my birth. I had no bloody idea what was going on throughout it! Even now, my mum tells me things that happened or were said that are completely new to me and that I had no idea about.

comparrison is the theif of joy. Your friend is perfectly OK to be happy at her 'easy' birth- it is perfectly acceptable that you feel upset over your traumatic birth. Your friend shouldn't be made to feel bad because she had it easier than you

Someone I follow on instagram (well known on social media) just had a baby and talked about her natural perfect hypno waterbirth which was so empowering and amazing. Whilst it’s great it worked out It puts way too much pressure on women to feel they have to have a perfect birth. When a lot of the time it’s down go luck. I actually think it is a somewhat dangerous message.

I had tens, epidural, pethidine, gas and air as DD was back to back and it was long. I still felt empowered because I birthed another human. If I had another baby (I won’t!) I would go for a more medical birth again.

3 months is not a long time, your body still won’t be healed. Giving birth is such a small part of your life, it’s parenting and looking after the baby that is the most important. Please don’t let stuff like this bother you! 13 months in I can’t remember the pain of contractions anymore, it’s a distant memory and does get easier to forget.

I understand op. With my first I ended up with an emergency c-section after 5 days of back to back labour and 2 failed epidurals. I was angry about it for years,especially when everyone around me seemed to have a text book birth and I was also confused as to what exactly happened as I was that out of it I can’t even remember exactly what happened and why. The hospital never mentioned a debrief and I never really talked about the experience.
I was determined I was going to do it ‘properly’ if I had another dc. 10 years later with my 2nd dc I was determined to have a vbac and tried hypno birthing and all sorts. A failed induction later I ended up with another emergency Caesarian. Dd is 8 months old now and I’m still sad that I never got to experience a natural birth but what made it easier this time was I had a birth debrief and realised there wasn’t anything I did wrong it was just one of those things. I realised I’m lucky that dd was born healthy and I healed well this time. I found talking about my experience really helped instead of bottling it up and I’ve got over this birth a lot better than the first. Give it time op and definitely ask the hospital for a debrief.

@Sevo7 Wow, you're experience sounds just like mine 😢 I've never spoken to someone who had a similar experience.

Perhaps I will ask the hospital for a debrief

I had a birth with missing chunks of memory like that and it really did make things harder to process. Birth reflections is a great idea, I wish I’d done it.

@ajonesy I can empathise with what you are saying. I had 2 emergency sections and the second was utterly traumatic. It left me with PTSD and other difficulties for years. I had a lot of counselling and it helped me. It got better/less important as my children got older. (And as people stopped discussing childbirth in intimate detail at every opportunity ). But the first few years were very hard.

I still occasionally fantasise about getting pregnant and having the perfect birth but I’m past it really.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to focus on today as much as possible. And that it’s Ok to tell people “I don’t talk about childbirth” or to get up and walk away when the subject came up. Once I realised I could say this out loud it became easier and my friends became more aware of avoiding the subject around me.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on your lovely baby.

My SIL has talked a lot about her perfect/easy/drug-free etc etc birth and I was really glad for her, especially because mine was anything but and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Until someone closer to her told me she fabricated everything to make it sound much better than it was. I shouldn’t have been surprised because she often does this in other areas. So maybe your friend is doing the same?

My son’s birth was a lot like yours sounds, OP, only I ended up being able to give birth vaginally. I felt really ripped off about it because there were no smiling pictures of me with him after, no real joy. I was just so exhausted and traumatised and I felt it affected our bond. I felt shit for a long time. It’s important to get help dealing with that as soon as possible because you really don’t need to suck it up. I wish I’d sought help sooner.

Your body has been amazing and you have a healthy baby now. Make sure you care for yourself while you care for your baby.

I think there's a time and a place for different birth stories.

For pregnant women who've not been through it before, I think positive (not braggy) and uplifting stories can be really empowering, especially in the context of hypnobirthing. Obviously only if the pregnant woman wants to hear them.
I think the obsession with bombarding pregnant women with negative birth stories is really harmful.

But there is of course absolutely a place for stories that didn't go as you would have hoped or that people found really traumatic. So sorry for what you went through. I hope you find the strength to book a debrief session and that it helps you deal with what happened and you are able to work through it and overcome it.

Big hugs, I had such a similar experience a good few years ago now and it still upsets me when I think of the throwaway comment from a friend who said “it’s such a shame you didn’t get to experience a ‘proper’ birth”
My dh pointed out it was as proper as any other and even though my memories are hazy he reminds me I was a total warrior as I’m sure you were. Doesn’t matter how it happens - you’ve done something amazing 😊

It will get easier as your baby gets older and you realise that the birth was just a small part of being a mother. I strongly suggest talking about it with the hospital or your birthing partner and go over it again and again as many times as you need. What made me really struggle with the first birth is that afterwards I had so many unanswered questions and parts of it I just can’t remember. I felt completely out of control and like it had happened to someone else. It didn’t help that I felt nobody believed anything I was telling them,like I knew my waters had gone,I knew I was in labour but kept being told I wasn’t because my contractions weren’t regular enough (finally checked and 5cm dilated) and mainly that the dam epidural hadn’t worked when they had me hooked up to the hormone drip and I was screaming in agony. I kept wishing I could go back and do it differently. I did end up with pnd which I put down in part to ds’s labour and birth. I felt like I’d failed and because of this I didn’t talk about it.

With dd’s birth although not as traumatic I still felt like a failure but as I said I’ve had a debrief and have talked about it for many hours with dp. I feel a lot more at peace this time,honestly talk about it as much as you can but remember it is really early days so don’t rush yourself or put expectations on yourself that you should be ‘over’ it or anything.

Also one of my friends favourite sayings “you wouldn’t get a tooth pulled without pain relief - why on earth would you give birth without it!” Great for people who “managed” without anything but don’t know why people act like they’re heroes for it!

I think you should move on and enjoy your baby. It’s early days for you but believe me no-one else is going to care as long as your baby is healthy. We all have bad experiences in life and part of being an adult is being able to move on from them without going on at length about them. Tedious talk about what a hard time you had will only have people rolling their eyes. Sad but true.