To be annoyed at smug mums?

[ajonesy]

Now I'm not being a bitch here, but I have a close friend who's always bragging about how she had the "perfect textbook birth" and how she found it so easy and snapped back to prebirth weight within a week.

Me on the other hand had an horrendous labour. Was totally out of it and hardly remember the day (to be honest I think I reacted funnily to the dihyrdocodeine), had 2 failed epidurals, failed forceps delivery and eventually an emergency section

I feel so robbed of having a good birthing experience that I get so upset hearing others talking about theirs, because I just barely remember any of mine. I honestly don't know how to move on from it, it's been over 3 months and that day is still etched into my mind, for all the wrong reasons.

AIBU to feel so shit about this?

Nothing can be gained from confronting her in an argumentative way, so ignore bad advice.

Look at it this way: would you wish your labour/birth on anyone? Probably not, since you're struggling with it, so try to be happy that hers went 'textbook' or at least just think of her as being fortunate/lucky. Being bitter about other people won't go any way to making you feel better about yourself nor will it change anything. Although yanbu to feel any which way about your own experience.

I had a very rough birth experience with my first as well, culminating in her being handed off because I was hemmorhaging, etc. Three months is not a long time to move on from a disappointing birth experience. I had read all the books, really focusing on hypnobirth, etc. Bottom line is, at the end of the experience, bith you and your babe are alive and healthy. The rest will fade with time. I was terrified for my second birth, and it went incredibly smoothly, really what I had been hoping for in the 1st birth. My advice is to give it time, it does heal most wounds, if not all. And don't dwell on it. You are in charge of how m6it effects you.

I had a pretty easy birth, have no problem breastfeeding and my baby is healthy. So, when I talk to other mums who had or are having problems with these things I feel embarrassed like I did something wrong. This cannot be right. Can I not talk about my baby without someone judging me and thinking that I am bragging? I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings, so what I am supposed to do? Just stand quietly in the corner? Change the topic from babies to football? :-/ I totally understand that some people had bad experiences and I'm ready to listen, but I want to talk about my baby as well sometimes!

Yes it's so unreasonable for you to be angry with others and makes you come across as pretty mean. I worked very hard to prepare for my labour (both physically and mentally) and if I was in your life I'd feel it awful of you to resent me for the positive experience I had. You should celebrate your friends and be grateful they didn't have your experience. I can understand you resenting your own experience however and I'm really sorry you went through such a difficult time. You have a right to look at your birthing notes and reflect on your birth with someone at the hospital if that would be helpful? I'm sure your an amazing mum abd congratulations on your baby

I’m sure it’s not too late to have a reflections session in you think it would be helpful or healing @MotherofKitties They’ll have your notes filed away and it might take a little while to get them back but definitely worth enquiring if you’d find it useful

weatherSchmeather I have plenty of compassion. I almost died in pregnancy and lost the baby so I feel I am qualified to post. A difficult birth is something a lot of women go through - I had another one myself - but a healthy baby was my goal, not a picture perfect birth which the poster is disappointed she didn’t have.

Don’t tell people not to post. It may surprise you but your opinion isn’t necessarily any more relevant than my own. This is AIBU not agree with everyone else because they know better. Get over yourself.

a healthy baby was my goal, not a picture perfect birth which the poster is disappointed she didn’t have

I am sure a healthy baby was her goal as well, but when a lot of things go wrong during labour it can still be traumatic and the healthy baby at the end of it doesn't cancel that out. Tutting at her for wanting a 'picture perfect birth' just makes you sound mean.

I had flashbacks and nightmares for a year after my first labour. Fairly sure I had PTSD. Birth reflections and an apology from the hospital helped somewhat but to be honest it’s only the passage of time that has made a big difference.

I now look back with sadness as with any bad experience in life but it no longer clouds my thoughts on a daily basis. I guess it took a year to fade and I now have a second child whose birth went much ‘better’ that has definitely helped heal the psychological wounds (planned induction and epidural so I had control).

It’s early. You’ve had a traumatic time. You’re tired and still healing and those hormones are still settling down. It should get better in the coming months. But if it doesn’t then please consider going to see your doctor to get some counselling. I wish I had.

Your friend is insensitive. I don’t know anyone that had a textbook birth and if anything people seem to emphasise the bad bits so they don’t come across as smug. What birth you get is mostly luck of the draw and you did nothing wrong.

Op I get you. I had a crash csection and than couldn't get breastfeeding established. The reality was so different to the water birth I dreamed of.
I had a debrief and it really helped.

I had a very positive birth experience, and enjoyed talking about it at the time. I did hypnobirthing, which helped a little, but mostly it was -of course- sheer luck (and, I suspect, genetics: my mum also had easy births). The reason I liked to talk about it is that everything else about that year was awful. I had a horrendous and traumatic pregnancy during which I fell really ill but could not have the necessary treatment and surgery. The fourth trimester was also a nightmare with a sickly baby who would not sleep or stop crying. Bearing and having children is really intense, and can be very hard on our minds and bodies. I am so sorry for your traumatic birth experience, and you are not strange for struggling with it still and feeling shit about it. You are being unreasonable for not letting your friend enjoy her good experience. Almost none of us come through this process unscathed - I'm sure she has her struggles as well. Celebrate the good, if you can!