To be annoyed at smug mums?

[ajonesy]

Now I'm not being a bitch here, but I have a close friend who's always bragging about how she had the "perfect textbook birth" and how she found it so easy and snapped back to prebirth weight within a week.

Me on the other hand had an horrendous labour. Was totally out of it and hardly remember the day (to be honest I think I reacted funnily to the dihyrdocodeine), had 2 failed epidurals, failed forceps delivery and eventually an emergency section

I feel so robbed of having a good birthing experience that I get so upset hearing others talking about theirs, because I just barely remember any of mine. I honestly don't know how to move on from it, it's been over 3 months and that day is still etched into my mind, for all the wrong reasons.

AIBU to feel so shit about this?

I think discussing birth is tedious anyway

Oh, so agree! Recently OH was telling someone about No 1's birth, I don't think we were at the same event! He seemed to have had some conversation with the doctor and people were astounded that I knew nothing about it but really once they were here that was it for me. I think my mother was disappointed that I didn't tell her all the details, we had been abroad, but I never considered it to be an interesting topic of conversation.

Op huge congratulations on youre new baby!!!
I was very lucky first birth went well. Second was an emergency c section where they actually sedated me........it was about 4hours before i came to and shown my new baby. So other that the first few minutes there are no memories of this time.
First night was spent in icu-i am so so grateful that they could help me and baby and he was so well!!!
However i felt terrified, oh so poorly, angry and relieved all at the same time.
People say to me even now oh i wouldnt have a c-section. I dont usually reply i just think to myself how very lucky our outcome was and that they have no idea what that time was like for me.
It took a good year for me to feel physically well again.......went back to work after 8 weeks so had to paint a smile on.
3 years in and i still wonder what happened-a debrief would have been great but at the time all i wanted was to be left alone and get on with my baby. If its an option i would take them up on it.

@chocolatemademefat Perhaps you could have a bit of compassion or don’t post. PTSD from traumatic childbirth is very real and absolutely nothing to roll your eyes at. FFS have a heart.

It's possibly too early for a birth debrief. I didn't have mine until after a year. It was useful though and it clarified the fuzzy areas and helped me plan for the next one.
Also bear in mind your friend may be glossing over things that didn't go to plan. I've seen that happen a couple of times.

My first labour was a rough one with the classic cascade of interventions ending up in an EMC and a day or so in HDU. Some friends of mine had lovely drug free home births. Some friends of mine have had years of physical complications from labour, needing surgery and ongoing hospital treatment. A friend of mine lost her baby during childbirth.
It sounds like a birth reflection (new thing to me) might be helpful for you to move on from your disappointment at not having the 'experience' you hoped for, and to concentrate on the here and now and the future.

Your friend can be happy about having had a good experience. I don't get what you want from her. Would you like her to lie about her birth and exaggerate the horror? Do you wish she had a bad birth too? Do you want her to feel she can't mention her birth because you had a bad time? Have a think about what you want and see if it is reasonable.

My first was very similar sounding, long labour, failed forceps and an emcs where I ended up passing out on the operating table having first hallucinated. I lost the memories of what actually happened but the nightmare hallucinations hung around perfectly. I found the Birth Trauma Association's closed facebook page very helpful because it allowed me to vent with women who got it rather than friends/family who had textbook births and couldn't understand/attempted to blame me for doing it wrong.

I am still resentful in some ways (dc1 is 4) that it all went so wrong and I can't say I "gave birth" to either of my children but I think the immediate emotion fades with time. My second was also an emergency section and it was the most amazing experience of my life.

Looking back, I think hormones definitely plays a part. I got upset about the strangest of things including feeling shit about the fact that I bounced back from my emcs because I felt it should have hurt/got infected/burst open because I deserved it to for failing.

Definitely check out the Birth Trauma Association if you haven't already. Talking is healthy and your feelings are absolutely valid. I would have loved to switch off my feelings when dc1 was tiny but I couldn't, it was all consuming. How could I look after him when I couldn't give birth to him...going around and around and around.

I think you should move on and enjoy your baby. It’s early days for you but believe me no-one else is going to care as long as your baby is healthy. We all have bad experiences in life and part of being an adult is being able to move on from them without going on at length about them. Tedious talk about what a hard time you had will only have people rolling their eyes. Sad but true.

Funny how 'sad but true' or 'harsh but true' always appears as part of a deeply rude, dismissive comment. The OP is only three months after what sounds like a genuinely frightening and alienating experience -- how she handles that is entirely up to her, and if she needs or wants to talk about it, I hope she has better and more compassionate friends than you. She's not bothered about whether other people are bored by her conversation, she's trying to figure out a way of coming to terms with things.

I get it op, I bought into hypnobirthing and tried for a home birth. Well it didn't work out as I expected! Ended with failed forceps and emcs with doctors ignoring my choices along the way. I was traumatised, disempowered, and couldn't work out why it had gone wrong. I blamed myself, I hadn't considered that actually you have no control over your birth 'experience'. I am pregnant again now and booked my section at the first appointment. No way I'm going through that again.
I think of birth being a matter of luck, like fertility. Nobody is to blame, it's a lottery. It's shit and unfair. At some point in the future you won't be consumed by it, it will fade. Definitely get a debrief, maybe in a few months or when you feel ready. I suddenly realised I was furious about it and that was the right time for me. Sending hugs xx

She might feel a bit guilty about having an easy time like i do up to a point

I never even had braxton hicks. I had a planned cs, pain relief was good. My baby ate and slept well. Literally i have no complaints about the whole thing, yet others go through hell! I cant therefore talk about my experiences without feeling a kind of survivors guilt or appearing smug!?

In the same way that Marriage isn't just about the wedding day, Parenting isn't just about birth. I had a very difficult time first time round and blissful pain free water births the next. I suffered crippling PND after all, had to go cold turkey with BF each time and there is still a part of me (15 years later) that feels like I missed out on the wonderful early years 'experience' that my friends had. The thing is that so far down the line it doesn't really matter. My kids are alive and happy and that really is what matters. It is so easy to fixate on something like the birth and compare yourself to others but it really does no good. You can't change the past. I'd advise talking over it when you are ready and then moving on. Being a parent is such a life changing experience and birth such a small part.

You can't blame your friend for not having a shit time!

No, but she was just lucky, it’s shit and pointless to brag and be smug about it

It’s not being smug!

Why can’t someone talk about there experience because it was good just because yours was shit ?

Ok so you had a shit birth, my first birth ended in a stillbirth at 34 weeks so you see someone is always worse off than you. Doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your experience though

Every birth is different my first one was ok but my second was not so good ... I arrived at the hospital too late to be given any pain killers and gave birth within 30 minutes I didn't even have time to catch my breathe and my son went into shock because it was so quick.

Hi OP,

Giving birth is one of the most traumatic things your body will ever do, and even if you have a 'text book birth', it's not unusual to feel emotionally scarred by it. And I would also take whatever anyone who says they had the perfect experience with a big pinch of salt. I'm not saying you can't have a perfect experience, but I know several women who have glossed over details and made it seem better/easier than what it actually was.

For example, my birth was supposedly 'text book'; LO arrived so quickly I didn't have time for any drugs, she arrived safely and without any intervention. From the MW and doctors point of view, all was great. But for me, she arrived so quickly I had no time to adjust, I gave birth with no pain relief (or the soothing effect of a water birth which is what I'd wanted and didn't get), I tore badly as a result, ended up with an infection, struggled to breast feed and was hit hard by the baby blues.

Fortunately I didn't get PND, and I healed after a few months, but I was traumatised by the whole experience, and several years on I still get flashbacks. I should have sought a 'debrief' from the hospital, but I didn't, and I think it would have helped.

At the time I had to unfollow several 'mum friends' online because I couldn't face their constant posts about how they were back to jogging two weeks post birth, how their baby was sleeping through, how they were generally just nailing life when I was feeling guilty as hell at having to bottle feed my baby and seemingly failing at motherhood.

My point here is OP that whilst some women seem to breeze through it all and make you feel inferior or not as good, in reality it doesn't matter; if you have a healthy baby, that's all that count. Don't give a flying duck about anything else. Give it a bit of time and you won't care, and things will seem better. Like a PP has said, birth is a tiny bit of motherhood and the beat is yet to come. You didn't get the birth you wanted but you've got a beautiful little baby, and that's what counts.

Try to relax and enjoy your LO.

Good luck

So much is down to luck. My first birth was horrid and I was a bit traumatised by the whole thing. My second was so easy in comparison. If I’d only had births like my second, I’d probably been a smug cow. It was amazing how different they were. I wouldn’t have comprehended the pain of my first if I’d only had my second and after my first I didn’t really believe in births like my second.

It’s not being smug!

You weren't there. How do you know she wasn't being smug? You think smug folk don't exist?

I have a mate who insists on telling everyone how the only pain relief she needed with her first baby was "half a paracetamol". Half. She's smug about it. She told this story again in the presence of another mutual friend who was talking about a terrible birthing experience she'd recently been through. Yes, of course there's a place for positive stories - especially in front of expectant mothers who might be feeling anxious about what's to come. But in front of someone who, like the OP, has been through a hugely traumatic birth? Just rein it in a little.

I found a birth reflections meeting really helpful and had mine within the first 3 months so it’s not too early.

I wasn’t prepared to find out some things which upset me a bit but having had huge chunks I couldn’t remember despite bugging DH to go over the same things again and again it was a key part of completing the puzzle and with the clear objective facts and blow by blow of my whole labour, delivery and her first few days from my notes and all the clinical justifications I was able to mostly put my feelings about it to bed.

She may me smug, you’re probably quite sensitive and that’s totally fair enough, it wasn’t what you wanted or expected and it’s early days. But you can’t change her so just focus how you can understand your own experience as clearly as possible and hopefully come to terms with it.

Congratulations on your lovely baby

Some “friends” are like this. If she knows anything about your experience she should be more sensitive and not gloat around you. I have a friend like this. She is über competitive about everything, even birth / breastfeeding / parenting but generally everything. Life is just one big race to her it seems. I minimise contact now and take her with a pinch of salt. I would surround yourself with people who show empathy and compassion.

Also childbirth isn’t easy or down to some being better at it than others. It’s anatomy, physiology, stress, hormones, luck and so many other factors. So many women and babies used to die in childbirth. It’s a dangerous time. Some women are very lucky to have straight forward births, and others are not so lucky. But it isn’t something she won or did. She should feel grateful that she had an easy, safe delivery, not smug or superior over others.

Your friend is probably lying.

I’m sorry your birth was hard OP, maybe some counselling would help to come to terms with it so you could accept what happened and move on.

Your friend sounds wrapped up in her own world and probably doesn’t mean to be insensitive, I would try and put her birth experience out of your mind and concentrate on yourself.

Don’t listen to the posts lacking in compassion, a traumatic birth (like anything traumatic) can have a profound impact.

Your friend might have not meant to be smug, but I appreciate it doesn’t make it easier to hear. I have heard so many brags about labour, which were definite smug brags, so I know what you mean. It is always innocent story sharing. I wouldn’t want anyone to have a bad labour, but as with so many things it doesn’t need to be a competition. It’ll soon be the my baby did this at so and so months, they were reading at one year... etc. For years!??

There are 2 issues, the main one being how you feel about your birth experience and you've received lots of good advice above.

The other is the fact your 'friend' is bragging about her experience. Daft bint. She's entitled to feel happy about it and to say that she was fortunate, but not to brag.

If you could be bothered, you could challenge her: "so, do you think you're better than me then?"