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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my friend in the wrong or me ?

73 replies

French189 · 08/08/2019 09:50

I went to Italy with a friend a couple of years older than myself. Known her a couple of years, I think we are just different in the sense that she is more of a party animal than me.
She is someone who can do a busy city break and party holiday in one; sleeping 5 hours then ready to go visiting again all the next day, whereas I find it too tiring.
Anyway I tried my best to compromise and make the effort I went out for a drink at night with our friend (who we had done to visit).
I would say that the holiday fell at a bad time sadly; I had moved back from living abroad, didn't have a lot of money and was currently looking for a job.
I brought my laptop with me thinking that if I got a little time at the airport or whatever that I could look for jobs. My friend was horrified that I had brought my laptop on holiday, saying that I had '''no life ". She ended up using my laptop that she had moaned about, then chucked it across the bed when it was being slow.
We were in Rome, and it was her first time there, whereas id been. I was more than happy to go where she wanted to.
I had to leave a day earlier than her. I remember I kindly asked her that if she could maybe let me skip just one monument (she could have still done it on her own when i had left) as it would have saved me a good 50 euros (and i was broke). I was still doing all the other monuments etc.. She however said I was being very unreasonable, that the idea was to do everything together and that I needed to stop worrying about money.
I explained that I was in a very difficult financial situation but she said i'd 'find a job when I got back'.
I ended up doing everything she wanted and spending my last penny.
On the final night, we planned to go to a particular famous restaurant somewhere in the city. It took us an hour to get there. It was midnight and we still hadnt found it, and I had to get up at 5:30 for my flight. I suggested could we just go to a local one as I had to be up really early and she said no, we were going to this one.
I ended up saying that she hadnt even considered that I was up 5 hours later and asked if it was OK with me (if she had asked I would have, it was just the principle).
She ended up telling me that I needed to stop stressing and to enjoy life more and that I would never be happy otherwise.
I ended up going to the restaurant.
Do I sound like a killjoy or was she being selfish ? Im an early bird but I still went out all the other nights, I never refused to do anything and I only asked her if I could skip one single monument, which I was not stopping her seeing.

OP posts:
Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 09:51

I do understand that it was her first time there and she wanted to make the most of it. All i asked for was one or two very small allowances, I was never moaning or refusing anything.

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 08/08/2019 09:54

Neither of you are wrong far as I can see. It’s just normal push and pull of differences while on holiday.

sorrybutno · 08/08/2019 09:55

I think she was massively in the wrong, she was being very selfish!

Forgotmycoat · 08/08/2019 09:58

Op, you sound like a people pleaser, why didn't you just refuse to be bullied into going to the monument and the restaurant on the last night? Being assertive and sticking to your guns would have made all this a lot less stressful.

Put yourself first and know your mind, and don't allow people to walk all over you.

GreenTooth · 08/08/2019 09:59

She sounds incredibly selfish but you were BVU for being such a pushover. You need to learn to stick up for yourself and assert yourself a lot better, otherwise people like your "friend" will continue to walk all over you.

Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:00

Thanks for the replies. I should have done really. Just that she made such a fuss and made out that I was really unreasonable, didn't want to feel like I was ruining things, it had also been a holiday for her birthday too.

OP posts:
Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:02

In the end I got back and she said to me "I hope you had a great time, didn't want you to feel like I was forcing you"

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 08/08/2019 10:10

People like her thrive on knowing that people will go along with their demands to avoid fuss.

I would have gone mad if someone threw my laptop on the bed.

I would respond to her message saying, 'actually, I do feel like you didn't take needs into consideration, and pushed me into doing what you wanted. It was meant to be a holiday for both of us and us having equal say. I'm a bit upset about it all actually. Also, my laptop isn't working properly since you threw it on the bed.'

Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:12

Yeah it's taught me a lesson for sure. I was a pushover and I doubt I will go on holiday again with her. I'm glad that people here have reassured me that she was being very selfish.
I need to work on being more assertive and less of a people pleaser !

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/08/2019 10:13

Well she was a cowbag but you were a drip about it all too.

So YABothU.

ChicCroissant · 08/08/2019 10:16

Both of you were unreasonable - she was a bit pushy, and you for going along with it but complaining about it afterwards. Just say no next time. Taking your laptop on holiday is a bit much though, I wouldn't expect to have time to look for a job on holiday!

Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:17

That's fair enough, I only used it at the airport as we didn't have time otherwise.

OP posts:
pooopypants · 08/08/2019 10:21

You were both unreasonable and clearly not suited for holidaying together

You know now for next time

redcarbluecar · 08/08/2019 10:25

She sounds difficult, but basically I think what you’ve discovered is that you aren’t very compatible as holiday companions.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 10:26

Well clearly you're doing your best to position it she's at fault and you want to hear how selfish she was. Only you know why you want this.

Bottom line is you don't sound suited to holidaying together.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2019 10:30

She was in the wrong definitely but at the same time you probably shouldn't have agreed to the holiday if you were that stretched, it probably was a bit of a downer for her too

Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:30

I'm not trying to position it like that in any way. Everything I have stated here is the truth, I think she was selfish, but I also know I was a pushover as others have stated here. So I was wrong in that sense.
I also now know we are not suitable holiday companions, hence why I said we would not go together again.
Thanks for your valable input

OP posts:
Original poster
French189 · 08/08/2019 10:32

That is true. The holiday had already been booked and I wasnt going to let her down. I was never mopey, and as I said I happily agreed to going out at night etc.
I kindly asked her if I, not her, could skip one monument and then mentioned about the flight.

OP posts:
Forgotmycoat · 08/08/2019 10:40

Don't beat yourself up French, it's a valuable life lesson, not everyone is born assertive, loads of us were pushovers and have had to learn the hard way to stand up for ourselves, I know I'm still learning to put firm boundaries in place, when you have firm boundaries, people respect you, that's what I've learnt. I used to be a people pleaser also, have had to learn to put up with people not liking me, but respecting me. I'm still learning.

I would start by sending her a message outlining how you felt on the holiday, it wil do you good to get it out.

Drum2018 · 08/08/2019 10:42

You're a grown woman, you didn't need her permission to skip the monument or to forego the fancy restaurant and head back to your hotel. So while she's a bossy, inconsiderate cow, ultimately it was your own fault for not being more assertive. At least you know never to go anywhere with her again. Hope you get sorted with a job soon.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/08/2019 10:43

I don't think you needed to keep asking her for permission. It possibly gave the wrong impression, like you were asking her to persuade you.
Start thinking about setting out your own boundaries more clearly.

Drum2018 · 08/08/2019 10:43

Read 'The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck'. It may well help you to say no in future Smile

Rachelover40 · 08/08/2019 10:44

I think this will blow over, French. You know not to go on holiday with her again but you can still enjoy each other's company and conversation. Put the holiday behind you - it is anyway. Very good luck with the job hunting, please let us know how you're doing.
Flowers

bumblingbovine49 · 08/08/2019 10:45

I think you did what you could to make the holiday a success and not to spoil and I won't call you a pushover for that. It was a difficult situation and you handled it as best you could

Howvere she gave you a perfect opportunity to express how you felt when she asked you "I hope you had a great time, didn't want you to feel like I was forcing you"

You should have said something like . 'Actually I had a mostly good time but I did feel like I was pushed into doing things I didn't want to and felt like you weren't always willing to listen to what I wanted to do. I am very fond of you but I don't think we holiday well together, we want different things from a holiday'

If that ends up with you not being friends then I think that is fine. All friendships end up being tested at some point but if you are not honest about the important things then they can't survive or they end feeling fake and end to fizzle out anyway

So YANBU in your unhappiness about some of her behaviour on holiday but YABU to not tell her about how you feel when you got home, especially when she asked you for feedback

Belfield · 08/08/2019 10:47

Maybe it might work if a few of you go on holidays together, including your friend. That way if you step out for a while there will be others to keep her company. 2 people together on holiday can be tough because it involves a lot of compromise. 3 or more is better imo.