Was my friend in the wrong or me ?

[French189]

I went to Italy with a friend a couple of years older than myself. Known her a couple of years, I think we are just different in the sense that she is more of a party animal than me.
She is someone who can do a busy city break and party holiday in one; sleeping 5 hours then ready to go visiting again all the next day, whereas I find it too tiring.
Anyway I tried my best to compromise and make the effort I went out for a drink at night with our friend (who we had done to visit).
I would say that the holiday fell at a bad time sadly; I had moved back from living abroad, didn't have a lot of money and was currently looking for a job.
I brought my laptop with me thinking that if I got a little time at the airport or whatever that I could look for jobs. My friend was horrified that I had brought my laptop on holiday, saying that I had '''no life ". She ended up using my laptop that she had moaned about, then chucked it across the bed when it was being slow.
We were in Rome, and it was her first time there, whereas id been. I was more than happy to go where she wanted to.
I had to leave a day earlier than her. I remember I kindly asked her that if she could maybe let me skip just one monument (she could have still done it on her own when i had left) as it would have saved me a good 50 euros (and i was broke). I was still doing all the other monuments etc.. She however said I was being very unreasonable, that the idea was to do everything together and that I needed to stop worrying about money.
I explained that I was in a very difficult financial situation but she said i'd 'find a job when I got back'.
I ended up doing everything she wanted and spending my last penny.
On the final night, we planned to go to a particular famous restaurant somewhere in the city. It took us an hour to get there. It was midnight and we still hadnt found it, and I had to get up at 5:30 for my flight. I suggested could we just go to a local one as I had to be up really early and she said no, we were going to this one.
I ended up saying that she hadnt even considered that I was up 5 hours later and asked if it was OK with me (if she had asked I would have, it was just the principle).
She ended up telling me that I needed to stop stressing and to enjoy life more and that I would never be happy otherwise.
I ended up going to the restaurant.
Do I sound like a killjoy or was she being selfish ? Im an early bird but I still went out all the other nights, I never refused to do anything and I only asked her if I could skip one single monument, which I was not stopping her seeing.

Thanks a lor for the replies. It's true I should mention it. There was something else she did which I did end up mentioning and asserting myself for.
She would never have cash and then when I did she would say 'oh I will pay you back', yet she never did.
In the end, I stopped paying. I remember one night she didn't have any bus money and so looked at me, and I just said 'sorry, not paying for both of us'. And she seemed to get the msg.

I agree that two on holiday is difficult. Maybe 3 or more in the future ! Thanks for the suggestions. I do need to work on my boundaries that's clear. Also true I dont need to ask permission as others have suggested.
She also deserved to have a nice holiday and it had been her birthday too, so hopefully she did enjoy it.

YANBU
I kindly asked her that if she could maybe let me skip just one monument (she could have still done it on her own when i had left) as it would have saved me a good 50 euros (and i was broke).
Your mistake was in asking. Why did you hand over your autonomy like this? As if you were a tired child & she an overbearing adult? While you are job-searching, it might be a good idea to do an Assertiveness training cource too.

She however said I was being very unreasonable, that the idea was to do everything together
You weren't. Whose idea was it to "do everything together"? (Don't tell me - hers). & even if you HAD to do everthing together, howcome it had to be you slavishly following her whims, rather than her taking your lead once in a while?

and that I needed to stop worrying about money.
Yes, this is very common in selfish CF's who have enough money. I

That's true. I didn't need to ask if she minded. I needed to just TELL her that i would be skipping it.
Coming on holiday and not going to anything is one thing. But if it were my friend who had asked me to skip one, I sure as hell would have no problem with that.
I'm kicking myself for being a pushover.

You lost me a bit on "I kindly asked her"

Unless English is not your first language (in which case all is forgiven) this sounds a bit too try hard at positioning yourself in the right.

That's fair enough, but I did kindly ask her. I said I hoped she wouldn't mind if I skipped X monument and would she be alright doing it the day I left as I was really broke. Wasn't rude about it. So I dont really have any more to say about that, I have posted the truth on here, accepted that both of us were wrong in our own way.

Sorry but my mind is still boggling over eating in a restaurant past midnight???

I think after a really busy day sightseeing you WNBU to not want to then party all night. But then again I'm not a big drinker, Don't go clubbing or anything like that, I left that behind in my early 20's as I got bored of it, so I'm prob on the same wavelength as you. Altho I do think it odd to take a laptop away to search for jobs on a mini break... can't see the sense in that really.

Lesson learned don't go on holiday with the person again.

Yeah, the restaurant was closing when we got there. But they wanted us to go to this one as it was apparently the best.
It's just a case of compatibility as people have said, and I would still be happy to go on day trips with her. Maybe I was being a killjoy, hence why I posted on here. I was posting to ask what others thought.
Fair enough about the laptop, I dont think it's a big deal. I only used it when i was alone (on the bus to the airport and at the airport) didn't plan to use it during the holiday and didn't have time.

"I hope you had a great time, didn't want you to feel like I was forcing you"

Exactly. She may as well have said "I acknowledge that I forced you, but want you to play along as if I didn't, so that I can maintain my self-image & not ever deal with your wishes or feelings."

The problem with not being assertive is that things build up and the outcome is worse than if you'd just addressed things as they happened.

If you hadn't have been paying for things, the monument wouldn't have been an issue.

If ypu had have had a clear time you had to be back at the hotel then the restaurant wouldn't have been an issue.

In truth, both of you have caused the issue.

She thinks you don't mean what you say because you never enforce a boundary.

I agree that the laptop shouldn't have been taken. Holiday mode starts at the airport.

Doesn't necessarily spell the end of a friendship, but does show you are clearly not compatible travel companions. I wouldn't be going away with her in future, and would also be asserting myself more so that I didn't end up being railroaded by a more dominant personality into doing things that are against my own inclination.

If that spelled the end of the friendship, so be it, but in my experience people respect you less if you assert yourself less. A change in dynamic will do neither of you any harm, IMO.

Good luck with the job hunt. I'm not surprised these are testing and stressful times for you.

I think it also made me realise in other ways we are different. She is nice and I do want to continue my friendship, maybe just shouldnt holiday together again.
She loves taking pictures, I mean thousands of pictures, and takes things like Instagram very seriously. She had me going standing posing all over the place, telling me to do stuff with my arms, jump in the air, do faces etc.
I said that wasn't me and I didn't like to do pictures like that. And she said I needed to be more fun. I said taking photos like that doesn't make you more fun, and that it's only to try and impress people on social media.

Thanks for the later replies. I did say that I wasn't ok with these things at the time, rather than just nodding and going along with it, but in the end she would kick up a fuss and say I needed to chill etc. So I just ended up doing it to try and keep the peace. Which I know is fully not the right thing to do and I should have stuck to my guns.

I think you really need to work on your self-assertiveness.

I kindly asked her

She's not your boss! She's a friend, a mate. You don't need to ask her permission. Just a 'Sorry but I'm sitting this one out' or 'I can't afford that restaurant' or 'Sorry but I have to get up at 5, let's go for something closer' should have been enough.

It almost sounds as if you're afraid of her! Doesn't sound like much of a fun holiday to be honest. But over and done with now; just don't go with her again.

Hi French - sorry, my 1st post to you upthread didn't post in full! - never mind that, the most important bit was this link - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=asc_df_070437269X/?hvlocphy=9046042&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310979557093&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=aud-545671390501:pla-563373769414&hvrand=5600143100007941533
Sorry about the length of the blasted link ...

I'm kicking myself for being a pushover.
You haven't done anything wrong ... start with the book above, then go on an assertiveness course while you are job-hunting.

Your friend's attitude to your money is very telling by the way.
Instructing you to "not worry about it", while simultaneously looking to you to pay for stuff she has conveniently forgetten to bring her purse to! CF!! She knew you were on a budget!
And btw well done for asserting yourself when you got to 'the last straw' with the bus fares. I hope that felt really good, & it wasn't hard, was it?

Good luck with the job hunt.

You are right. But when I did say those things, instead of her saying 'ok no worries' as others may have, she kicked up a big fuss and said that I am being selfish or boring or 'like an old woman'. So then in order to appease things I just did the stuff.
I know that is my fault. Maybe I am a bit intimidated which really doesn't make for a good friendship.
Need to work on this before I go away with other friends.

Thanks a lot for the book/course recommendations :)

I think this is one of those where neither of you were totally in the wrong. You didn't stand up for yourself and set boundaries; she was overly pushy and a bit selfish. Chalk it up to a life lesson, and don't go on holiday with her again!

She was selfish and rude to comment on your circumstances and choices.

You were passive. Suggest working on your assertiveness.

wouldn’t go away with her again as you seem incompatible to holiday together.

but in the end she would kick up a fuss and say I needed to chill etc. So I just ended up doing it to try and keep the peace

TOP TIP:
Whenever CF's employ the phrase "you need to", what they actually mean is: "I want you to".

Practice running this in your head for various situations your friend pushed you into. Learnt to recognise it.

Did she plan routes through museums?

Not entirely sure why you went?

You’re currently not working, you said yourself you’re hard up so a holiday is the last think you should be spending on.

She sounds (selfish) very different to you, I empathise with you on the late nights and loads of sightseeing- I need some down time on holiday (from people as well as from tiredness). Which is why I would never even consider going on holiday with that sort of friend.

You were both being a bit unreasonable. She was way too pushy and you weren't assertive enough. She may have been excited about her birthday but you really need to learn to draw boundaries and I think she would probably learn to stop pushing so much if she knew you had them.

For what it's worth, I think it's absolutely fine to look for a job for a little bit here and there and your requests were logical. Would you have stopped her going on Instagram or social media? No. Even on holiday, people don't have to do absolutely everything together every minute of the day!

I'd be annoyed about being told how to pose for insta as well so well done for standing up for yourself then and about the money issue.

Going on holiday to one of the most expensive cities in europe when you have no money and no income sounds like a pretty dim thing to do in the first place.

Or were you forced in to that too?