Was my friend in the wrong or me ?

[French189]

I went to Italy with a friend a couple of years older than myself. Known her a couple of years, I think we are just different in the sense that she is more of a party animal than me.
She is someone who can do a busy city break and party holiday in one; sleeping 5 hours then ready to go visiting again all the next day, whereas I find it too tiring.
Anyway I tried my best to compromise and make the effort I went out for a drink at night with our friend (who we had done to visit).
I would say that the holiday fell at a bad time sadly; I had moved back from living abroad, didn't have a lot of money and was currently looking for a job.
I brought my laptop with me thinking that if I got a little time at the airport or whatever that I could look for jobs. My friend was horrified that I had brought my laptop on holiday, saying that I had '''no life ". She ended up using my laptop that she had moaned about, then chucked it across the bed when it was being slow.
We were in Rome, and it was her first time there, whereas id been. I was more than happy to go where she wanted to.
I had to leave a day earlier than her. I remember I kindly asked her that if she could maybe let me skip just one monument (she could have still done it on her own when i had left) as it would have saved me a good 50 euros (and i was broke). I was still doing all the other monuments etc.. She however said I was being very unreasonable, that the idea was to do everything together and that I needed to stop worrying about money.
I explained that I was in a very difficult financial situation but she said i'd 'find a job when I got back'.
I ended up doing everything she wanted and spending my last penny.
On the final night, we planned to go to a particular famous restaurant somewhere in the city. It took us an hour to get there. It was midnight and we still hadnt found it, and I had to get up at 5:30 for my flight. I suggested could we just go to a local one as I had to be up really early and she said no, we were going to this one.
I ended up saying that she hadnt even considered that I was up 5 hours later and asked if it was OK with me (if she had asked I would have, it was just the principle).
She ended up telling me that I needed to stop stressing and to enjoy life more and that I would never be happy otherwise.
I ended up going to the restaurant.
Do I sound like a killjoy or was she being selfish ? Im an early bird but I still went out all the other nights, I never refused to do anything and I only asked her if I could skip one single monument, which I was not stopping her seeing.

She sounds quite unpleasant and rude. You sound lovely! Just stand up for yourself a bit more.

Thanks for the replies. This was in the past but had been on my mind, I fortunately have a job now. The holiday had been booked several months in advance before my circumstances changed and I did not want to let her down, and did genuinely want to go.
This will definitely be a life lesson. We did have some good laughs on the holiday, but we are clearly very incompatible in that respect. I guess I had thought, "how bad could it be ?".
As others have suggested, I needed to tell her clearly that I was not doing these things, not ask her. I'm glad I stood my ground with the photos and money.

As other people have said I think you were both in the wrong here. Her for being bossy and you for allowing her to boss you.

She took advantage of your good nature on a number of fronts. You say this was in the past. Did she pay you back what she owed? Did you respond to her message?

I know I'm bringing up the restaurant business again (sorry OP) but weren't you starving to death eating that late? I think at a push the latest I've booked a table for on holiday is 9 (pre children!) ... I'm just genuinely confused, how far away was the restaurant from where you stayed??...

I said that wasn't me and I didn't like to do pictures like that. And she said I needed to be more fun
Firsly, well done for speaking up :)
... but secondly, remember the CF twister she the manipulated you with:
"you need to be more fun" in CF-speak means "I want you to be more fun in the way I want".

Ditto but in the end she would kick up a fuss and say I needed to chill
Again - "you need to chill" in CF-speak means "I want you to chill & will fuss until you act the way I want"

It will take several resistances to re-educate your friend. As you said you did manage to have some laughs with her, so I imagine you still value her friendship, keep these small assertions up until she starts to hear that you mean them.

Eventually you will be able to work up to "making a fuss & telling me how you want me to behave is not going to change my views. You either have to compromise, or accept that we can each do the separate things we want to, so that we are both happy."

Thank you. The restaurant was apparently a very well-known one; it happened to be on the other side of Rome and took us over an hour to get there, and they were almost closing when we got there ! Had stopped doing food but offered to do us some pasta.
I said that it would have been easier to find a local one instead of traipsing all over the place trying to find this one.
Also, as we were in a big unknown city alone it felt more sensible to stick together.
I must remember that even if she has her own views of what is fun, 'chilled' etc. That these are not the views of everybody.
When I confronted her about the money she said, 'I thought we would just take it in turns to pay' but it didn't really work like that.
I was such a fool on this holiday; in a way it has put me off going away with friends and I need to really work on myself and stop thinking that people are going to be mad because I say no sometimes or don't go with everything they want.

So she never paid you back then. Gaslighting. Yeh I think perhaps you do need to work on yourself because most people aren’t out to be nasty to you. It’s fine to not do everything together and most friends will be ok with this.

I have been in your friends position and gone with what the other person wanted to do because I know others don’t have the energy levels I have and I want to do everything. I have spent money and time going somewhere and left up to the other person I ended up sat in a hotel room waiting for the other person to decide what they wanted to do or to finish having a nap or just to leave the room.

I do think you were a bit of a killjoy.

The fact you were with your friend at the airport and instead of chatting to her you wanted to be on your computer says it all

Passivity isn’t the same as being good natured. OP was passive.

Yes, work on your assertiveness and boundaries. If you do that it’ll be fine to do things with (other!) friends because you will consider and act in accordance with your own needs and wishes, as well as others’.

I kindly asked her if I, not her, could skip one monument and then mentioned about the flight.

This would really bug me after a while. Your kindness doesn't create an obligation in her. Stop kindly asking and just bloody tell people. It sounds like you have a really weird dynamic in this friendship and I would be surprised if it survives you changing - and you should change. You lack assertion and your friend takes advantage of this.

My mum does this. She kindly drops very subtle hints about things and it's next to impossible to tell what she wants because she won't just say it. In her case she then sulks when she doesn't get what she wants. It's exhausting.

Remember OP - you are as important as anybody else, no more and no less. You probably need more emphasis on the "no less" and your friend on the "no more" part!

I think in principle neither of you are wrong when it comes to the bare bones and having different attitudes to the holiday

BUT (and its a big but!)

She has been a TOTAL dick - IME people like this rely on people like you being unable or unwilling to confront them and have an awkward situation. These people are bullies.

It's life changing to get to a place where you can believe that standing up for yourself is worth a few minutes of awkwardness. In a similar vein when I was a young teen I felt uncomfortable to, for example, a grown man putting his hand on my thigh because I was taught not to "make a fuss".

Start practising saying no. I still often have to put a "sorry" before it because otherwise, I (stupidly!) worry I sound aggressive. "Sorry, but I can't afford it so I cant go". Rinse and repeat. "I know it's a shame but I can't afford it." Repeat "I wish I could but I can't afford it so we'll have to agree to disagree".

You can do it OP, I get where you're coming from but it's a BRILLIANT life lesson to stand your ground. You don't have to be rude, you just have to realise your opinion is as valid as theirs. If they challenge you they are not respecting your opinion so you walk away.

Thank you for the replies. Just to clarify, i never used the computer whilst I was with her. I took an earlier flight than she did (because i had to get back for a hen do) and i used my pc when i was alone.
If id been using it instead of talking to her then i agree that would be totally unreasonable.
I wasn't making subtle hints, I was saying things outright as or before they happened. I think she was wrong in overreacting, but I was wrong in not sticking to my guns.
I hope that I will be less passive in the future in such situations.

Holidays are a true test of any relationship!
I must admit that I like to pack a lot into the day, but it's not fair that on the last night you were dragged around.

I seem to be lucky in my friends as we would be checking that the other person was happy, not demanding our own ways all the time! Not that OP, you were demanding but your friend seems to put herself first for sure!

Though I am that person who would have sat down with my pal and TripAdvisor beforehand and had a loose itinerary at the ready. We would both have identified the must-see, must-do things and made sure there was downtime for naps, people watching etc and if a restaurant was essential it would be on the itinerary.

Work on the assertiveness and keep being the lovely person you appear to be.

You explained your financial situation, but she didnt care. She sounds very selfish and I think she was very unkind to you.

The fact you were with your friend at the airport and instead of chatting to her you wanted to be on your computer says it all

It certainly would say it all - IF it were a "fact".
But the OP did not do this, so it isn't.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, she complained about my computer and then asked me to use it herself.
I was leaving the same day as her, just that I had a morning flight and her a late afternoon one, but both still had 5 nights there.
When she found out that my flight was slightly earlier, she said that it was going to 'mess our trip up a little' that we would 'have to miss out certain things' and 'hurry our trip a little more'.
Seemed like an overreaction and I just ignored it; just trying to guilt trip me probably because we were doing something seperately god forbid.

On the very last day we were walking to my bus in the morning, we had eaten a quick breakfast then I said I had better go, and she said yeah otherwise you'll say, and then did some impression of me in a squeaky voice. Found it a little unnecessary but just ignored her and got on the bus.

On the very last day we were walking to my bus in the morning, we had eaten a quick breakfast then I said I had better go, and she said yeah otherwise you'll say, and then did some impression of me in a squeaky voice. Found it a little unnecessary but just ignored her and got on the bus.

She's a selfish bully OP. In a way it's good this has happened because now you know the state of play. Mimicking a voice... really?! So unkind to someone you're close enough to go on holiday with. I hope you are able to put her out of your mind and just see this situation as a learning experience - I don't usually condone name calling but as I said she really does sound like an absolute dick.

Yeah that was kinda immature for a 31 year-old.. But not going away again with her is the best idea !

messolini9
Yes it did happen

Read the op

I brought my laptop with me thinking that if I got a little time at the airport or whatever that I could look for jobs

Seemed like an overreaction and I just ignored it; just trying to guilt trip me probably because we were doing something seperately god forbid

If you were on holiday with someone then I would think doing stuff together is what you do.

Do you think you would have been better going alone next time then you could sit and do nothing and not have some one trying to make you do something you didn't want to do like sites seeing.

Either this trip was a last minute trip and you should have said no because you didn't have any money and you had been before or I don't understand why you didn't have money saved for it if it had been booked months ago

It sounds like you have only recently been made redundant and presumably you had a little redundancy pay and having been before you would have known how much stuff costs.

What exactly did you think was going to happen on the holiday? Did you think your friend would sit in the room with you admiring the view whilst you looked for jobs

I think you may have misread or misunderstood. I said that I never used the laptop whilst with her, I had a different flight back to her so I only used it when on the bus back and at the airport.
I didnt have money for the trip because sometimes circumstances change, changing jobs meant I had to live on the money I had saved up. I was not made redundant, I was living abroad and on a zero hours contract; my hours were significantly cut and I ended up moving back to the UK. The holiday had been booked months in advance.
I never said that I wanted to sit and do nothing, I wouldn't have gone if that had been the case. I clearly wanted to explore as much as possible, and said to my friend that I wanted to miss one single monument to save myself a bit of money.