To ask how your unplanned third child situation turned out?

[Worrywart21]

Just found out I’m pregnant with no.3. I have a 3 & 7 year old and felt done although I’m love pregnancy and babies usually I’m struggling.

I wanted to hear some stories from people saying how it worked out for them. I’m terrified and even with my unplanned first child I was excited so struggling with these feelings.

I keep wondering if it would be easier to look at options for ending the pregnancy although in my heart worry I won’t cope mentally with that in the future.

The thing I’m struggling with especially is that my now 3 year old was extremely hard. I had post natal anxiety and worried sick about her development. I’m talking unable to sleep and she turned out perfectly fine and healthy.

Secondly is we’ve been planning our wedding and spent soooo much money over the last year and a half and the wedding is due to happen 2 weeks after my due date so I need to change that possibly to the following year but I’m so disappointed.

Did anyone feel unhappy at first with the pregnancy and everything turn out ok? I think I’m struggling as I’m so unhappy about it now I think it might push me into postnatal depression later and I don’t want that.

Also I breastfed with my second for 1 year and found that hard. She was constantly attached to me and I had mastitis several times (I think I have an oversupply issue). I think maybe if I bottle fed from the get go with this one then I could at least share the load with Partner and family and get a break sometimes which may help.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!
I had an unplanned third child many years ago. I found the news difficult because I already knew that my husband wasn't a very kind man. But I went ahead with the pregnancy. Besides being controlling and generally nasty, my 'DH' also cheated on me with a friend just about the time I was giving birth, so that made times quite hard. I was also very poor at the time.
However, the baby was lovely and now, many years later, he has turned into a lovely man who has actually provided me with a lot of joy and emotional support over the years (not that I think that children are there to support their parents all the time). I divorced his father and I am very very glad that I had my beloved third baby.
I also breastfed him, as I had all my children and I won't lie it was beyond tiring at the time. But it was rewarding and we all coped.

Thanks for your reply. That makes me feel a bit better. I think taking the long term view I can see myself happy with 3. It’s just the short term, sleeping issues, feeding issues etc I’ve ran out of energy for it and I just feel like the rose tinted glasses are well and truly off by the third time round and so I’m struggling to see past all the negative and hard bits of having a baby.

My 3 year old has just potty trained sleeps consistently and I would like to just enjoy this time. Instead I’m planning to do it al over again .

Also my 7 year old blatantly says “please mum no more babies”. He’s 100% against another sibling so I’m worried about that. Poor him.

There is no single correct answer to your dilemma. If you feel that you cannot cope with another child, then you have the right to terminate. Sometimes, that is the only way forward for you and your family. There are probably ways of making your 7 year old, and your other little one, feel involved, etc with the pregnancy and new baby but it's always going to be hard work isn't it.
Life isn't neat and easy so much of the time. Whatever you decide, there will always be pros and cons. Not an easy one.

Yes - in my case I wasn’t sure whether to have a third and when he was born my children were 5 and 2. 20 years on and I am really glad I did - I have a lovely son.
I found pregnancy hard even though I worked mornings only and was probably depressed and could’ve done with some counselling; everyone else being excited annoyed me!
It made sense to take as much maternity leave as I could; this was time I could also enjoy with my other children but I took each day as it came and accepted lots of help; my husband was very hands on too. I breastfed as I’d have found it more difficult to organise bottles etc and I’m sure it helped me bond with my baby.
Growing up my children could always amuse each other and the two youngest shared a room happily until we could afford to extend. It is more expensive but we had cheap holidays and there were higher university maintenance loans on offer for the years when we had 2 out of 3 at University.
See if you can have some independent counselling so you can decide what you should do. In some ways it’s easier to take life as it comes but if you have a really strong feeling that your family is already complete then that is your decision to make. I wish you well.

Right, do you really really want this baby? Or is it a guilt that’s making you want to go ahead?

Then what’s your situation financially. Three children is the buying a bigger/second car, always booking 2 hotel room territory.
Then what’s your living situation? if you’re in a three bed Who’s going to share? I know you mentioned your 7 YO is a DS is your 3yo a DD l, if so I presume the boys will share and no 16 year old will want to share with an 8 year old.

You have two children already, what happens if something goes wrong? I’m really sensitive to this at the moment as one of my closest friends recently had her PFB and had the worst experience and had to have two blood transfusions and stay in hospital for a couple of weeks after the birth she is many weeks down the line and still not doing well. Another friend of mine last year had to be put in an induced coma while pregnant due to complications.

I’m aware this all sounds very negative but I think priority no. 1 here should be your current DC

I found out I was expecting when dc2 was 5 months old and the day we moved to a new property. I did look at ending the pregnancy but in my heart knew we would keep the baby.
I had a wonderful pregnancy despite the previous 2 being horrendous and a quick easy labour.
Having dc3 meant I had 3 children 2 and under but we now have 4dc (planned) and I love how they are a team.
Dc3 was such an easy child who slotted into the family so easily and even 11 years later she is the most chilled child.

When you haven't planned it, it can seem scary but go with your heart and enjoy it.
Congratulations.

I'll never understand why someone would weigh up the options of an unwanted/unplanned child vs an abortion and find that the former seems the better decision.

Of course if you want to go forward, thats a separate matter.

Astheworldturns - I guess until I was in the position of facing the dilemma i thought it would be easy. But there is a lot of emotion involved and ending a pregnancy is a massive decision for me. One which would solve my current problem but I fear may cause long term problems in terms of my mental health and guilt and I think I could cope with an unplanned baby better than the guilt and torment I might put myself through in the future.

I know that’s not the case for everyone and I wish I wouldn’t do it to myself but I know myself and I know I would struggle to cope with ending the pregnancy.

You just need to go into the pregnancy choices board on this forum and see the guilt and regret posters feel about abortion. I worry I would be 1 of those in a years time.

Aw OP!! congratulations and hugs. What does your DH say?

@lastqueenofscotland

We planned to move house next summer after the wedding. We currently have a 4 bed so the baby could have their own room and would be looking to buy a 4 bed too. We are thinking of moving now ASAP instead of waiting. We wanted to move to a better area so that’s still the plan hopefully.

Financially we are ok. I stay at home with the kids and Partner has a senior role which supports us. We are finally on our feet and this year have had several mini breaks and holidays with the kids which has been great but it’s a first as we had to work and save a lot to finally get comfortable.

I had planned to work part time in the next year or 2 so I guess that might happen a little later when this child goes to nursery which would be 3 years from now.

Do I really really want this baby or is it guilt making me continue.... I’m not sure to be honest. I’m sure once the baby is here I will want it and I’ll be happy (hopefully). It’s just such a shock to my system I had my coil removed last Monday and haven’t had sex since it was removed so I didn’t expect it. I thought I ovulated a week prior to the coil being removed according to my period tracker.

So I was crying after taking the test and he panicked and thought someone had died . I finally blurted out I’m pregnant and his first words was “ahh DD1 is going to be a sister!”

So I think he was ok. I was not however and I just kept saying I’m not sure I want it. He then said he thought it was best we terminate. He has always been for up for a third than I have ever been.

Once I felt he was encouraging me to terminate I feel sad and didnt want to. He said he’d support anything I want so I said I can’t terminate and ever since he’s been positive and has sent emails about changing the wedding date and arranging house viewings.

He isn’t very emotional. Very level headed and stress doesn’t faze him so he’s a good influence for me right now.

If we hadn’t been planning the wedding and so looking forward to that then I think just dealing with having a third would be ok.

I just feel overwhelmed as I’ve been in wedding mode for so long, everyone is looking forward to it, I’m the fittest I’ve ever been as I started the gym 6 months ago and I’ve been dreaming about my wedding. So now it’s like oops wedding isn’t happening anymore and a third baby is... my mind is in denial.

We were just buying our first house and had been waiting ages to complete...it has 2 bedrooms. Then I found out j was pregnant. It was terrible timing. I also had severe post natal anxiety with my second so was really worried about that.
I knew I couldn't abort, as it's just not something I could deal with.
But my baby is now 1 and is perfect in every way. It has been a blissful experience. She slept 20 hours a day for the first two months and still sleeps well. I've never even felt tired, let alone the exhausted wreck I was with the first two. She is peaceful and calm and I can honestly say it has been a healing experience as I can now say I love being a mum...whereas before I thought people were joking when they said that!
And yes, we live in a two bedroom house. Not ideal, but fine at the moment while everyone is small.

I had two dds aged 12 and 9 and had just set up my own business when got very unexpectedly pg with DS. We lived in a two bed flat and couldnt afford to move anywhere bigger. I have to admit it wasnt easy, understatement of the year. He is 17 now and couldnt imagine life without him.
Not sure this helps any but just saying it can be done. Good luck

Well you could also say forewarned is forearmed.

If I had a third I certainly would not breastfeed beyond the first week or so. I'd do the colostrum thing but then switch. BFing contributed almost entirely to my PND last time. I don't mind doing it for a week or so but I'd be too scared after that.

I also would be very quick to scrutinise my mental health. I did have antenatal depression the last time and my GP was supportive and and sent me for an early reassurance scan and that sorted it. Once you see the baby it helps. But I ignored my mental health after the birth and I would learn my lesson and go much quicker back to the GP next time.

You are not destined to repeat the worst bits of the last time. You can change what you do.

Don’t cancel the wedding just bring it forward to when you will be around 4 or 5 months pregnant. Book a registry office ceremony and find a family friendly restaurant that can accommodate everyone you want to invite. If your 7 year old isn’t keen on another baby he might be distracted by being the best man or other special role for your wedding day!

My unplanned 3rd is almost 2 and I won't lie but the jump from 2 to 3 almost broke me. The choice to have no 3 was taken out of my hands when I was refused a termination on medical grounds (long story). My others were 6 and 2 and I was about to start retraining for my career and have pregnancies where I'm hospitalised repeatedly.
Saying that he is fantastic and worshipped by the older ones, he has medical problems and development delay but he enriches all of our lives and the older ones have never complained about it and actively try and help him learn and practice new things. I've felt guilt everyday at even thinking of a termination. The juggling act of 3 children at different stages and wanting to do different things is hard and the older ones do miss out on additional activities because of the cost but things should get better once I'm able to go back to work.

My fourth child was an unplanned pregnancy. We had just moved to a smaller house, I got got rid of every single baby item and all the toddler stuff and I was planning a return to my nursing career. I really struggled with it at first, people around me really struggled with that. DH was delighted but I just felt overwhelmed at the thought of giving birth again and those early months. I did come to terms with it over time. DH had a vasectomy while I was pregnant and I decided that this time round I would have the home birth I had always wanted. DD is now 11, she's been a huge boon to the family dynamic and fourth time round I feel that I've really enjoyed all aspects of parenting her. Financially its been tricky at times and the Uni years are really tricky when you have a large family. I would have change a thing now but you need to do what is right for you OP xx

Thanks everyone. The replies are helping a bit. With my other pregnancies I was constantly taking a pregnancy test to check it was getting darker. I booked an early scan for both as I was so excited.

This time I took a test got a positive and honestly don’t even feel tempted to take another. I don’t feel excited at all . Maybe a scan will help in a few weeks?

Then in another minute I wonder how soon I could get a medical abortion. If I was referred today could it all be over by next week? If so I almost feel tempted. In reality I think it would take weeks and then it puts me off.

You need to make the decision that is right for you, but to answer your original question my unplanned third is now 16 and has seriously given me nothing but joy every day of her life. I swear she was born smiling and we have never had a cross word between us. Her brothers adore her too (and her them). I cried for four days when I found out I was pregnant, I was retraining to be a lawyer and coming up to my finals so totally get your dilemma but sometimes life throws stuff at you that you might not have planned but turns out to be fab 😊 Good luck whatever you decide x

In terms of moving the wedding closer, I would be quite happy to do that although I’m sad about the money that would be wasted. I just bought a £1,500 wedding dress which won’t be delivered until December and then needs alterations. Then another £3-4,000 on other bookings.

Partner is dead against bringing it forward and thinks we should postpone for 1 year and pick up planning this time next year once the house and baby are done.

I’m conflicted as to what is best...

Nc'd for this.
My unplanned third would have turned 4 this week if I hadn't had a medical termination at about 6.5wks. I have never had a moment of regret about my decision and often think with relief that I went ahead with it and thank DH for supporting me.
Our life works well with 2 DC... just. A third would have broken it as something would have had to give, most probably my career (as that seems to be the easiest option in many families) and I love my career.
At the time, only one of the DC was in primary school. Now they both are and I just hadn't appreciated how much busier our lives would be as they get older. They enjoy doing loads of sports and other activities and DH and I like the fact that we can support them in this. Time, cost and sheer logistics of lugging a baby and then a toddler around would have ruled some of these out.
I have had this week off work and just been at home with the DC and we have had so much fun doing things which you just couldn't do with a pre-schooler. And our recent holidays wouldn't have worked with a toddler & pre-schooler. Clearly, we would have adapted what we did so it was suitable for the broader age range but I was ready to move on and am glad that we have got to do all of the things we have done.
Also, I just couldn't be bothered with going through potty training, teaching a child to read & all of those sorts of things again. I am very conscious that problems and costs are only going to get bigger as they get older.
The procedure was really simple and quick. I felt a bit rough for a few days after it but that was about it. To be honest, the most complicated bit about it was re-arranging work meetings and sorting out some extra childcare.

Then in another minute I wonder how soon I could get a medical abortion. If I was referred today could it all be over by next week? If so I almost feel tempted. In reality I think it would take weeks and then it puts me off.

I had a (medical) abortion after I had two children, I just couldn't face a third.

I called BPAS and got a reference pretty sharpish, I think a week about covered it, but you do have to go twice which is a bit of a mind fuck if you ask me.

I don't want to be the voice of gloom and doom but I think that people regret children far more often than they would ever admit in real life, although you see it on MN a fair bit. I know that I would have regretted my third in the short and medium term, and I couldn't face the 7-10 years of heavy lifting. But then again, I had zero emotional conflict about it so I'm not you.

Bluntly, you just don't seem excited at all at the prospect of a new baby, a squishy lovely new baby - if this doesn't make you a bit yay then you might have a problem at some point.

Good luck, dear OP, I'm thinking of you.

Everyone, I know with three deeply regrets having the third.
I would find an accidental third of very difficult. I really don't know what I would do.