To ask how your unplanned third child situation turned out?

[Worrywart21]

Just found out I’m pregnant with no.3. I have a 3 & 7 year old and felt done although I’m love pregnancy and babies usually I’m struggling.

I wanted to hear some stories from people saying how it worked out for them. I’m terrified and even with my unplanned first child I was excited so struggling with these feelings.

I keep wondering if it would be easier to look at options for ending the pregnancy although in my heart worry I won’t cope mentally with that in the future.

The thing I’m struggling with especially is that my now 3 year old was extremely hard. I had post natal anxiety and worried sick about her development. I’m talking unable to sleep and she turned out perfectly fine and healthy.

Secondly is we’ve been planning our wedding and spent soooo much money over the last year and a half and the wedding is due to happen 2 weeks after my due date so I need to change that possibly to the following year but I’m so disappointed.

Did anyone feel unhappy at first with the pregnancy and everything turn out ok? I think I’m struggling as I’m so unhappy about it now I think it might push me into postnatal depression later and I don’t want that.

Everyone I know*
Unplanned third pg **

Sorry for the terrible typing!

He's fabulous. Other kids were 7 and 5.5 when he was born. He was the easiest of all my labours, and settled straight in. He's now nearly 2 and a nightmare toddler but everyone is besotted with him.

I had a coil fitted so he was a complete shock, but while the logistics are a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes we wouldn't change it. I'd forgotten how much work toddlers were though 😁

DC1&2 were very much planned and born 15 months apart (our choice from before DC1 was even born). I found out I was pregnant with DC3 when DC2 was six months old and I was utterly devastated. I bawled for hours, went through periods of anger and our marriage greatly struggled. I booked a termination in the end but just couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was around 30 weeks, hid it under baggy clothing and such. I’d say I didn’t really accept the pregnancy at all until she was born.

She’ll be seven this weekend and she’s wonderful, absolute light in all of our lives. I’m obviously so glad I didn’t terminate but having three children under three was enormously difficult. I was on autopilot probably for the first three years of DC3’s life and there are chunks of that period I just don’t remember at all.

Having three is a huge leap from two, you only have two arms for a start . My marriage did end when she was two as well, we basically stopped having sex because I was terrified the contraception would fail again. It’s difficult but if you think you can manage then go for it.

Honestly? Long story and a different take on it but it might put things into perspective...

Our third unplanned baby was a huge shock.
We had only been together 6 months and I have PCOS and had huge struggles getting pregnant with my first 2 DC. DP never ever wanted children of his own (but was keen to be step dad to my two) and I had made peace with never putting myself through the emotional destruction that comes with TTC again.
Then SURPRISE.... baby number 3 was conceived. I was in total shock and extremely excited but terrified of DP's reaction, knowing his feelings about having his own.
He was distraught for the first couple of days and sunk into a terrible state.
Then he seemed to turn it around when I went for an early scan and our baby was in an 'unknown location'. He saw how petrified I was, looked me in the eyes and said "I understand you now".

Anyway, my HCG shot up and I wasn't experiencing any pain so our worries were over and we went full steam into selling our flats (we lived separately) and buying a house together with an extra room for our new addition. We were thrilled and we made so many plans. Money was going to be tight but we would figure it out as we went along.

Then at a later scan, we discovered our baby's heart had stopped beating a couple of days before.
I can't even begin to tell you the pain that caused us.
I never knew how much I wanted another baby until we found out we were expecting our little one.
3.5 years later and we've had two further losses and now struggling with PCOS again.

So, in answer to your question, our unplanned third child situation turned our life upside down. It made me into a horrible bitter person and I've no soul left. I would give anything for a third child now we've experienced babyloss.

Part of me wishes our third child never happened as I would be none the wiser and would be absolutely fine (as I was before) and enjoying life. But another part of me thinks, despite all this pain and suffering and losing two more babies , we wouldn't have moved into our lovely house and met new friends in a new town, and I wouldn't have had the absolute pleasure of carrying our three little ones even if they were short lived.

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. But I do think that you make what you can out of difficult situations and life can change drastically at the snap of a finger with no control whatsoever.

We are also due to get married. Our wedding is next April and we have still continued TTC despite this. If I had got pregnant in my last cycle I'd have given birth a week before the wedding (c-section!) but it didn't happen sadly.

My advice to you would be to go with it and see what happens. I wouldn't cancel the wedding either. You simply cannot plan around these things. Just go with it and please enjoy every single moment of it. You are so very very lucky. I hope things work out for you with the baby and congratulations on the engagement! xx

Thanks, all helpful.

DCs were 11 & 9 when DC 3 was born. Pg totally unplanned, went for a dating scan thinking it would be approx 8 weeks, and it was 19+3 so too late to terminate. He is now 8, the older ones are off at Uni so he is like an only child, which is good and bad! If he wasn't here obviously life would be practically easier - we wouldn't need babysitters, could have holidays in term time, etc etc, but he is funny and good company and I have met a whole new circle of 'school mum' friends, who are really good company and all help each other out

I don't want to be the voice of gloom and doom but I think that people regret children far more often than they would ever admit in real life

I think this is very true.

I fell unexpectedly pregnant with my 3rd while my older 2 were 11 months & 31 months. My husband did nothing to help with any of them and i was convinced i couldn't cope with another 1. Was still breastfeeding 11 month old. Thought very briefly about terminating. 20 years later she is 1 of the most precious people in my life. Having said this, you need to do what is right for you. It is such a hard decision x

I had an early miscarriage when DC2 was 6 months old. I didn't know I was pregnant. I'm not proud of this, and I'm sorry if this upsets anyone on here who has experienced a loss but if I'm being really honest, when I realised what was happening all I felt was immense relief. The experience itself was unpleasant but I was relieved because I knew with absolute certainty that I did not want a third baby. Had I not miscarried, I probably would have had a termination. But I would have agonised over it and I'm not 100% sure if I would have been able to go through with it even though I know rationally it would be the right decision. If I'd had the baby I may well have ended up resenting him/her for the time they took away from my existing two DC, the prolonged damage to my career and the extra financial strain and that would be awful. So as terrible as it sounds, I was relieved that the decision was taken out of my hands.

OP, if you don't want the baby then you don't have to have it. Guilt isn't a good reason to bring a child into this world and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to prioritise the DC you already have. It sounds as though your DH will support you whatever you decide.

Thanks. If I knew I’d be okay mentally after the termination then I’d do it.

I worry that we might actually decide we DO want a third. OH has hardly said he doesn’t know for certain that he doesn’t. But I think I’m passed it and I think I just want to progress in life being the best mum possible for my two I have.

I spent most of my daughters baby and small toddler life wishing she was more independent and now I have the freedom of a 3 year old and I’m back to square 1 and I could just cry at the thought of it. It’s like I’ve lost the energy for it.

I absolutely love babies and I love kids and so I can’t understand this because I genuinely loved pregnancy and even birth and the newborn days. But it’s the relentlessness of a baby and then older kids.

Our holiday this year was actually fun with them. It’s the first ever!!! I was so happy with life. We planned Orlando with them next year. We can afford to spoil them and give them a great life.

But I do worry as my daughter starts nursery soon and I worry I’ll be sitting with loads of time of my hands thinking “I could have done this!!” Or I worry I’ll be stressed and overwhelmed planning our big day and wishing I was just cuddling my newborn instead. Or my sister is having a baby in November which I have been sooo excited for as I get the newborn cuddles without the responsibility and I worry I can’t even hold her baby as I am thinking “that should have been me!” I terminated my equivalent of this and now it’s too late.

I’m so confused.

Ok here goes...

My unplanned 3rd baby is now almost 19 months old. She has a rare genetic condition, is globally delayed and registered disabled. She will be on life long medication, will never live independently, will have a lifetime of issues and challenges (emotional and physcial). She has changed the whole dynamic of our family.

She was in Neonatal for her first few weeks and was tube for a year.

It was not what we had "planned" when we first decided to go ahead with our unplanned pregnancy (termination was mentioned and discounted within about 30 seconds!!)

Its something to really consider.

As it turns out, DC3 has been a revelation to us all. She is fierce and fearless and every day I'm blown away by this child. But its not been easy and if I was at all ambivalent about DC3, who knows how I'd have coped?

I'm not saying to terminate incase you have a non NT baby. I'm just saying take everything into consideration when you make your choice.

• was tube fed for a year

Honestly?
It was tough. No 1 was 7 years old and no2 was 19 months old. When No3 arrived

Got better after about a year but that was a hard year
Obviously I wouldn’t be without him now but yes two was easier
You Need a bigger car for a start
And packets of things from the supermarket generally are packets of two four or six. - sounds insignificant but there’s always arguing over who gets the last one!
However we cope because we have to And you will too op

I just terminated my unplanned third (surgically) at 10 weeks. My DCs are 8 and 4. I am struggling mentally and physically. A termination was not what I wanted (found out a week prior to the termination) and we aren't in a comfortable position like your family, live in a 2 bed, etc. It was a massive shock but I wanted the baby. DH convinced me no and I will regret what I have done forever. I've lost all motivation to parent my current DCs, to work, to do anything. I've been suffering horribly from insomnia and anxiety to the point I've been put on medication for high blood pressure and sleeping tablets. I can't see a way out of it. I know things may change if I survive the next few days? Weeks? Months? But I will have to live with this and resenting my DH forever. I will live with hating myself forever. Good luck on your decision.

If you count my exhb, then my dd3 was the easiest one all round, eat, sleep and nappy change. She used to follow dd2 around, by rolling, or crawling, she would aim to get her hands on anything dd2 played with, there was 14 months between them. Of course dd3 nicking dd2 stuff didn't stop there, amazing how many t shirts and socks went missing.
She is now with the dp she met at school in their own house, dd3 is 27 and a month shy of producing my first grand person or bump, I refuse to say it.

Dcs were 9 and 7 when unplanned ds3 arrived.

It turned our lives upside down. We had to move. Dh lost his job when ds1 was 1 - obviously not ds3’s fault! But the cost of baby childcare on one salary (which we had to keep going so dh could job hunt) nearly broke us...it was a very tough few months. I found the jump from 2 to 3 massive at first.

They’re now 11, 9 and 2 and I’m so thankful for our surprise number 3 and wouldn’t change things. The older two are fantastic with him and it’s also a lot more relaxing for us as this toddler has ready to go entertainment in the form of ds1 and 2

Congratulations!

(Lighthearted)
My sister was the unexpected third child. Personally, I think she's the best of all of us. My brother has turned out to be a selfish narcissist with an even worse wife, so we're all extra glad that my sister came along to tip the balance in the favour of sunshine, wisdom and kindness.

He's my joy. I always wanted just two girls. That's it. I didn't really gel with boys and had zero experience with them (other than hubby). My oops baby turned out to be a boy and he's the apple of everyone's eye even now 7 years later. His DSis's were 5 and 2 when he arrived and they're all so close.

I had a medical abortion when I got unexoectedly pregnant with a third. I was 36, with a 5 yr old and 9 yr old. I’d only just got my career back on track. I just couldn’t face doing the whole pregnancy/baby/sleepless nights thing again.

There are choices. I’ve never regretted mine. Yes, I have wistful moments imagining what might’ve been, but I know I made the right decision for me and my family.

I am thankful every day.
My eldest child died suddenly in horrific circumstances.
I am so, so, glad my surviving children have each other.

Big congrats on the pregnancy. I was 39 when I had my 3rd (I had a 6 and 9 year old at the time). It was a bit hard, for me, going back to night feeds but everything else was fine.

Hes 9 now and I wouldn't change him for the world. Hes so funny and inquisitive, does have his head melting moments though. Having 2 boring teenagers who don't want to do anything or go anywhere with their parents, I'd be bored to tears not having him. We would pop out during the evening for a walk, go hiking or somewhere kids friendly at the weekend.

I'm actually dreading when he turns into a teen and starts acting like the other 2.( though he promises he wont turn into a grumpy teenager 😂😂)

Fast forward 4/5 years when the baby/toddler/potty training stage is over with and child is starting school... do you think if you choose to terminate you may feel more regretful at this point thinking about how that part would be over and you’d have 3 children in school and picking back up where you left off?

Sorry haven’t read all the replies but just wondered whether you were fixating more on the baby/toddler stage being difficult when relatively it’s such a short-lived part of it.

Of course all the other practicalities (space, time, finances) need considering as well.

I found I was pregnant after a failed MAP and planned to terminate. I was 5 weeks when I found out and the earliest BPAS could arrange a termination was 11 weeks as I had raised Blood pressure (unsurprisingly). I couldn’t do that. So he is here about 3.5yrs now. Life would have been a lot easier without him but I think he’s a genius and might be a brain surgeon or something and look after me when I’m old ;) sometimes in life things do not go as planned and you have to get on and make the best of it.

thewildrose

I am so, so sorry.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I had a unplanned third pregnancy after we had decided we didn't want any more children. It was a massive shock and I didn't cope well with pregnant. My first daughter was born with a condition affecting her jaw and was in and out of hospital for years. We were told having another baby with the same condition could happen but that we wouldn't get the results until 22 weeks but could have a termination upto 24 weeks because of how complex dd needs were.

In the end the scan showed no issues and a 3rd DD! She is now 12 and she is what's makes our family complete- it so we thought..... just adopting DD number 4!! If all is well with baby and you can cope and afford baby then it was meant to be! Also I struggled to feed 2nd DD (first was tube fed) and for the third I decided I would just go with bottles, seriously it was the best thing I did! I knew how much milk she was getting and hubby could do night feeds and I just felt more relaxed!!

😁