Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Don't want MIL living with us after 2nd Child

63 replies

Flimflamfloogety · 07/08/2019 14:07

Background - Married 7 years with a 4yo. MIL lives alone overseas and visits for about 4 months at a time. Mostly stays with us to spend time with her grandson. Visits my BIL's and stays there less. I had a difficult first birth, ended up back in hospital after a few days, spent 1 week back in so didn't get the opportunity to bond with the baby. My gran was then constantly visiting my house so I didn't get much alone time with baby. Rushed back to work after 8 months - lost my job due to discrimination.

DH and I are starting to think about baby no.2. I am unsure because of the traumatic fist experience. My new employer offers very good maternity leave so if we have another one I intend to take a full year. I have expressed concerns to my DH that during my maternity leave I would prefer that my MIL doesn't stay with us for extended periods. Weekends and 1 week stays are okay, but I would prefer to avoid any longer. I feel she should spend most of her time at my BIL's and visit us more frequently but for shorter periods. He lives about 1 hr away so logistically this is manageable.

My husband thinks this is blackmail and I am banning her from seeing the baby. I just want the opportunity to spend quality time with the new baby and the existing child. I already find it difficult to share my house for extended periods and this will only be worse with a new baby, sleepless nights and raging hormones in the mix.

AIBU to want him to at least be prepared to impose some restrictions (in a diplomatic way). Not to ban her, but to limit the length of the stays to about a week at a time?

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 07/08/2019 14:10

YA absolutely not BU! 4 month visits?! Who does that?! Week long stays are more than enough for anyone in any situation

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/08/2019 14:15

Sorry feel like I should add... She doesn't currently stay with us exclusively for 4 months. She splits this between ours and her other sons house. Visits with us last about 2-3 weeks sometimes a bit longer.

OP posts:
Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 07/08/2019 14:19

Insist she can stay if he is home. You will be too busy with dc to play host.
If that makes her visits shorter the buck stops at him doesn't it?

NoSauce · 07/08/2019 14:19

Absolutely not BU. You’re being generous to say weekends and 1 week are ok.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 14:24

YADNBU

Coronapop · 07/08/2019 14:25

Remind your husband that you, as his wife, should be his first priority (along with DCs) not his mother. He needs to put your feelings first. Your DH is being totally ridiculous to suggest what you propose is blackmail or stopping her from seeing the baby. It is a completely OTT statement to make. I think you need to take a very assertive stance and keep on repeating what you are prepared to accept.

katewhinesalot · 07/08/2019 14:27

YANBU

You have been a saint so far.

Why does she have to come for 4 months anyway. Can't she do shorter, more frequent visits?

ScabbyHorse · 07/08/2019 14:29

What is she like when she visits for long periods? Does she expect you to look after her or does she make herself useful?
Either way I still think it's excessive.

Teddybear45 · 07/08/2019 14:29

Extended visits can be a cultural expectation. It certainly is in my culture. The fact that your mil doesn’t already like to split her time equally between her sons suggests she may prefer to stay with bil; and if you do offer she may only accept out of a mistaken sense of duty. I’d suggest keeping an open invitation for weekend stays and leave it up to your mil to take you up on it.

luckygreeneyes · 07/08/2019 14:31

4 months? When you said overseas did you mean the moon?!

Sexnotgender · 07/08/2019 14:34

Gads, you’re not being at all unreasonable.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/08/2019 14:37

@ScabbyHorse
She is a very good house guest. She doesn't expect to be waited on. In fact it's the opposite she will generally do all the cooking and cleaning so it's actually very helpful. We generally get along okay, although I am a quiet reserved person and I do like to have my own space to retreat to.

I know if she did stay she would be respectful so that's not my issue. It's more that I don't want to split my attention. Even a good house guest needs your attention and I just want to do us on the kids. I do have some selfish motivation in that I am reluctant to share what I consider my time with the baby. I want to be able to just go at my own pace and do things the way I want with anyone else around.

It's tough because she lives alone and it's an eight hour flight. So she can't really come for shorter periods. I don't want to exclude her, I just want to know that DH will defend my interests when I need space. At the end of the day I'm the mother and I feel like that should take priority

OP posts:
Chakano · 07/08/2019 14:39

YANBU but why have her stay for so long previously. If she is over here for 4 months and spends more time with you than bil then you have accepted this already, it's the status quo.

I don't like extended visits which is why I'd have said no from the outset.
You also had your nan everyday, it seems like you find it hard to stand up for yourself.
Tell your dh if she comes either he has all the time off work with her, or you'll go stay somewhere else.
It doesn't sound like he agrees and will go ahead with what the two f them want anyway.

Belfield · 07/08/2019 14:40

This sounds like a cultural expectation issue. Is your DH from a different culture than you? It seems odd that he would say you are blackmailing him because you don't want his mother staying for extended periods when you are on maternity leave. Will he be at work when his mother is there? Does she expect you to do all the work for her/ cleaning/cooking etc or does she fend for herself/help?

pigsDOfly · 07/08/2019 14:45

I'm a MIL and can't imagine wanting to say with my DC and the rest of their family for weeks at a time. Apart from what you want, does she have no life of her own that she can be away from home from such extended periods? Clearly not.

Your DH is being ridiculous to say it's blackmail - does he actually know what the word means - and that you are trying to stop her seeing the baby.

I can think of nothing worse, when you're trying to bond with a new baby and an older child, than to have, what to you, is essentially a stranger hanging around for several weeks; yes I know she's his mother but he's not the one having just given birth.

You need to really stick to your guns and insist you can't cope with a new baby, a small child and his mother.

It's very unfair of her and him to expect this of you.

Your wishes should be paramount in this and you should be his priority.

Pantolilies · 07/08/2019 14:47

You will be off for a whole year. What can you do in the 2-3 weeks that she will stay with you that you can't do in the remaining 49-50 weeks? I do think it's a bit unfair but it's your house so it's your choice. If your husband is a good man towards you then I would suck it up for the sake of 2-3 weeks for him to spend time with his mum.

verticality · 07/08/2019 14:47

4 months for a visit is absolutely mental. 1 week is really quite a lot for many families. YANBU.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2019 14:51

Yanbu

Does your mil speak English? Can he / you set up some sightseeing trips for her, where she takes the coach somewhere for a few days to break up the time more? Can you / he get her interested in local activities? Maybe there are groups of retired folk, who go away in organised groups your local area that she could join for example.

I think if everyone compromises and gives something, life could be easier and your mil could get some of what she wants and you could too.

Do also remember your eldest will be at school by this time so she could take them places after school if she’s reliable / in good health. Maybe even go on a mini trip together if you trust her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2019 14:53

@Pantolilies
The mil stays with op for more than 2/3 weeks. It’s more like 3 months total in 2-3 week chunks.

Original poster
Flimflamfloogety · 07/08/2019 14:54

Thanks everyone. There is a cultural difference. MIL is Indian, she has a very active social life but is now a widow so lives alone. Both her son's live here in the UK and visit home when annual leave permits. She generally comes here to avoid the hottest part of the summer over there.

I think she would completely understand and be on board if it was explained to her but DH is more worried that cos she's alone she will feel excluded. He feels I'm putting too many conditions on having a 2nd child hence the blackmail comment and that I'm putting too much pressure on him to manage the situation

OP posts:
HeyMonkey · 07/08/2019 14:54

I'd end up strangling anyone staying in my house for over 2 weeks.

mussolini9 · 07/08/2019 14:54

My husband thinks this is blackmail and I am banning her from seeing the baby.

Oh really? A simple request, & an explanation of the reasoning behind that request, & your DH calls 'blackmail'?!!! Suggest you give him a dictionary.

Interestingly, if there IS any 'blackmail' at play, it is from your DH, who is emotionally blackmailing you to just give in & let him & MiL have it their own way.

I imagine that when MiL stays for these protracted periods, that DH is at work so that all the hosting duty falls to you? If so, he is a CF.
It seems like he doesn't want you upsetting MiL so is happier for you to just suck your feelings up while he panders to his mother's.

If you have this 2nd baby, who does he imagine it is - yours & his, or MiL's & his? He's behaving as if YOU are the outsider here. He's also imposing a third party onto YOUR home & you have every right to expect to live in 'peaceful enjoyment' of your own surroundings.

Tell him it's your home too, that you are happy for his mother to visit, but for more reasonable periods of time. That it is not his right to dictate to you who you have in your home & how long for. That as it is not HE who will be pushing a baby out, suffering the after-effects & looking after 2 DC full time, that he doesn;t get to impose any further load on you.

WeatherSchmeather · 07/08/2019 14:54

Agree that the MIL is overstaying and that your husband needs a reality check. My in-laws stayed with us for months a few years ago. They are terribly disrespectful people so it was some of the longest months of my life.

But the bigger issue was my husband not drawing any boundaries so they totally took the piss, leaving us in debt, angry and on the brink of divorce. And this was pre-kids. If it happened now it would be over.

Can you get couples counselling? We’re having it now but it’s years too late to be honest. If we’d had it earlier it may have saved a lot of heartache.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 14:58

My husband thinks this is blackmail and I am banning her from seeing the baby.

This is utterly ridiculous. You are not 'banning' her from seeing the baby. You are just requesting shorter visits.

He needs to put you and DC first here, especially as she can stay with BIL while not with you (well, as long as BIL is happy about that; you might need to compromise to two-weeks each if not).

IAskTooManyQuestions · 07/08/2019 15:10

You're not even pregnant and you're attaching strings and conditions.