AIBU - Don't want MIL living with us after 2nd Child

[Flimflamfloogety]

Background - Married 7 years with a 4yo. MIL lives alone overseas and visits for about 4 months at a time. Mostly stays with us to spend time with her grandson. Visits my BIL's and stays there less. I had a difficult first birth, ended up back in hospital after a few days, spent 1 week back in so didn't get the opportunity to bond with the baby. My gran was then constantly visiting my house so I didn't get much alone time with baby. Rushed back to work after 8 months - lost my job due to discrimination.

DH and I are starting to think about baby no.2. I am unsure because of the traumatic fist experience. My new employer offers very good maternity leave so if we have another one I intend to take a full year. I have expressed concerns to my DH that during my maternity leave I would prefer that my MIL doesn't stay with us for extended periods. Weekends and 1 week stays are okay, but I would prefer to avoid any longer. I feel she should spend most of her time at my BIL's and visit us more frequently but for shorter periods. He lives about 1 hr away so logistically this is manageable.

My husband thinks this is blackmail and I am banning her from seeing the baby. I just want the opportunity to spend quality time with the new baby and the existing child. I already find it difficult to share my house for extended periods and this will only be worse with a new baby, sleepless nights and raging hormones in the mix.

AIBU to want him to at least be prepared to impose some restrictions (in a diplomatic way). Not to ban her, but to limit the length of the stays to about a week at a time?

I think you should think hard about whether the issue is your MIL staying, or if the issue is the trauma from your first birth and everything that followed.

If your MIL does all the cooking and cleaning, and you get on well, it could be an amazing opportunity to give you more time to bond with your baby as that’s what you’re worried about.

I’d think hard before saying she couldn’t stay - I can see a lot of positives to having her there, if you get on and you have the space. Try to put aside the trauma of your first DC’s birth when deciding what is best for this time round. You might be surprised at how helpful it is hajinf someone for a couple of weeks at a time

Dh is being totally unreasonable for saying it's blackmail. But make sure that your feelings about the last DC's birth aren't being coloured by your gran visiting so much. Otherwise I wouldn't blame him for thinking that it's one rule for your family and another for his.

"He feels I'm putting too many conditions on having a 2nd child hence the blackmail comment and that I'm putting too much pressure on him to manage the situation"

I think the last bit of that sentence may be your real issue. Sounds like he has a bit of growing up still to do in terms of cutting those apron strings.

Oh man! I didn't even need to read beyond the title.....nope, yanbu. There.

YANBU.
4 months ? that's a lodger.
A visit is at most a week.
And your husband is being rather unreasonable too.

Does your mil even want to stay with you and your DP? I think you need to raise the valid point that if she spent 3-4 weeks of a 4 month break with him last time that she may prefer to stay with her other son. I know my mil, also Indian, prefers to stay with my bil as he and sil are both Indian and can speak her language and they have more things in common. While I am of Indian origin, I was born here, and we don’t really have much in common. She only really stays as DH insists on it (he feels like he’s not meeting his responsibilities if she doesn’t stay for at least a bit).

This is really an issue between your DH and you and perhaps the ttc issue. He clearly isn’t ready for a second child yet if he’s putting such a ridiculous condition to it.

You're not even pregnant and you're attaching strings and conditions.

Funily enough, the exact same thing could be said about OP's DH.
He's expecting her to accept his requirement that MiL stays for as long as usual.

I think your husbands culture will play a part in this. In Indian culture it is not uncommon that various generations live together. He may expect that when his mother becomes too old to take care of herself that she will come live with you. This is something you should explore whilst exploring the issue of her visiting. Do you know how your BIL's wife feels about the visits if your BIL has a wife/partner/. Your husband probably does see it as blackmail because he doesn't seem to see your needs as taking priority to his mothers which is not uncommon in Indian culture. Of course you are not being unreasonable by asking for more time to concentrate on your nuclear family but your husband clearly doesn't see it this way. Would you consider counselling. I think you should investigate other issues surrounding his mother also to see what else is expected of you. You can have a clearer picture then when deciding how to progress. You are not being unreasonable at all. In fact, you have been very obliging.

In a cross cultural marriage I think yes it's very rude to limit her visits to weekends only, when she is in the UK for the whole summer. Unless you live in a tiny flat I don't see why you feel you need to banish her in that way. It sounds a bit brutal. You've said she's happy to take over the cooking and cleaning for you. Newborns are challenging and you and DH may be glad of her help, maybe he would like her company and support? Perhaps compromise eg she stays with you for a week at a time in between seeing bil?

Ask your DH how a mil in his culture would typically be expected to behave after the birth of a grandchild, and take that into account when setting visiting conditions. She may be very hurt and confused otherwise.

Blackmail would be if you were saying she can't see the baby unless he buys or car.

You are just stating your wishes.

I agree that different families and cultures have different levels of tolerance for visiting relatives, but that doesn't mean that his wishes are more important than yours.

Of course you are right to discuss this before you are pregnant. Much better to make sure you are both on the same page before taking on the responsibility of caring for another child.

I have never heard someone say that an 8 hour flight warrants a 4 month stay. That's ridiculous. I live in Australia and my family are in the UK, and our visits to each other are between 2-3 weeks, and it's a 15 hour flight, followed by an 8 hour flight followed by a 3 hour flight.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that if the baby has just arrived when she visits that she needs to stay with BIL, and just come to visit you during the day or for a few weekends that she's here. It's not like she has nowhere else to stay. Just bear in mind that she will be very hurt by this because she will have been brought up with the idea that the grandmother goes and stays when the new baby comes so that she can help out. She probably won't understand your reasons for not wanting her there.

"He feels I'm putting too many conditions on having a 2nd child hence the blackmail comment and that I'm putting too much pressure on him to manage the situation"

He is framing this in a really odd way. You have no duty to have another child. If you agree to have another child then it is clear that compromises will need to be made. However if you can't agree on a compromise, then you aren't in a situation where you should have another child.

So you say she stays with you 2-3 weeks.
Does she usually spend the remaining 4-12 weeks with your BIL?
If so, he is doing his share. If he only has her 2-3 weeks he is still doing his share.
3 weeks is too long but two weeks is fair enough for such a long distance - 8 hours travelling - and the cost of the flight (unless her sons are paying that). A fortnight with each son is not asking a whole lot compared with inlaws living close by.
Given that in the culture widowed mums might well have been expected to live with their sons and DIL, you are fortunate that she remains independent.
What are your future long term care plans for her - I am amazed that this has never come up before.

DH is more worried that cos she's alone she will feel excluded. He feels I'm putting too many conditions on having a 2nd child hence the blackmail comment and that I'm putting too much pressure on him to manage the situation

I think he's right, OP. It's his home as well. Maybe he wants her there for longer.

It's hard.

To be fair, he doesn't get to see his Mum except in concentrated extended stays.

During a year's maternity leave, having a helpful MIL for 2 or 3 weeks shouldn't make too much interruption, surely?

Not during the immediate newborn period - perhaps 3-6 months would be a good time? Though it will be dependent the season she comes.

I am afraid that extended visits do go with living a continent away form your parents / in-laws (ask me how I know....)

I think in view of your culture then this is probably the norm for you ,and wouldnt be so for western families .If you get on well with her and she is helpful. It might be advantageous for you to have her on board .Many older children need entertaining and find baby a bit boring for long periods TBH!.Does your husband want a second child do you think?.As she splits her time between you and your In laws ,I think it would be disrespectful to her to ask her to lessen her time with you .She has an 8 hour flight to see you and probably thinks she is being helpful and likes to be needed!.I for one welcomed help like this (My Mum would come over and cook and take out DD1 for me ) very much appreciated .

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

So she stays with us for 2-3 weeks AT A TIME during the entire stay. I'd say she spends 80% of her time at ours and the remainder at BIL's.

I am sympathetic to her and my DH's needs to see and spend time with eachother. I am not requesting that any less time is spent with us, just that it is broken up into shorter stays. Ideally one week at a time.

Of course the conversation has come up before about elderly care. This is a completely different situation though and one that requires a different approach. This and maternity leave are completely different and can't be compared.

She sounds like generally a good Mil?

Why can't she come later on, when baby is older? She may be a real help then?

@IAskTooManyQuestions ... that’s rather over simplified , have never done something in life and thought I would do it differently if I went back in time?

She isn’t slagging off her mother in law quite the opposite she has said lovely things about her ... she is requesting time to bond with her child and to help her existing child why is that unreasonable ?

Why does she can't come and stay for months mean you're banning her from seeing the baby? Christ on a bike, I'm so sick of reading on here about pathetic men who won't stand up to their overbearing parents or indeed take an adult view about their relationship.

Indian culture is very different. Parents often live with the family.

But your husband needs to respect your wishes as much as his mum’s.

This is a cultural issue. If you lived in India, I imagine that MIL would choose a son to live with and would move in permanently. Your DH is already compromising. You should compromise too.
Discuss with your DH whether MIL could spend 50% of her stay with her other son. And then try to focus on the enormous positive of her doing all the cooking and housework.

Hi OP

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your MIL, which is great. She sounds quite nice.
Possible solution: Finding her her own place to stay (short-term rental) so that she has somewhere to retreat to also. It can't be great for her being under someone's feet all the time, and if she's sensitive to that, having her own little place might be great for everyone. Would BIL contribute/could she contribute for the cost? Is there anywhere nearby that would suit?
Just a thought.

Could you consider having her help more with your old DC while you have one on one time to bond with your new baby? She sounds like a lovely MIL, and perhaps if you discuss it with your DH, and put forward the compromise of one week at a time and could she look after DC1 (not exclusively, as you’d still want time with DC1).

@Flimflamfloogety - if she’s spending 80% of her stay with you, then is it possible she doesn’t like staying with your bil? In some Indian culture women go back to their families for the first 30 days or so after the birth - that probably isn’t an option here as you aren’t Indian, but your mil could spend that first month with your bil.