AIBU - Don't want MIL living with us after 2nd Child

[Flimflamfloogety]

Background - Married 7 years with a 4yo. MIL lives alone overseas and visits for about 4 months at a time. Mostly stays with us to spend time with her grandson. Visits my BIL's and stays there less. I had a difficult first birth, ended up back in hospital after a few days, spent 1 week back in so didn't get the opportunity to bond with the baby. My gran was then constantly visiting my house so I didn't get much alone time with baby. Rushed back to work after 8 months - lost my job due to discrimination.

DH and I are starting to think about baby no.2. I am unsure because of the traumatic fist experience. My new employer offers very good maternity leave so if we have another one I intend to take a full year. I have expressed concerns to my DH that during my maternity leave I would prefer that my MIL doesn't stay with us for extended periods. Weekends and 1 week stays are okay, but I would prefer to avoid any longer. I feel she should spend most of her time at my BIL's and visit us more frequently but for shorter periods. He lives about 1 hr away so logistically this is manageable.

My husband thinks this is blackmail and I am banning her from seeing the baby. I just want the opportunity to spend quality time with the new baby and the existing child. I already find it difficult to share my house for extended periods and this will only be worse with a new baby, sleepless nights and raging hormones in the mix.

AIBU to want him to at least be prepared to impose some restrictions (in a diplomatic way). Not to ban her, but to limit the length of the stays to about a week at a time?

I'd be seeing if it could be a more 50/50 split. Then the 2-3 week chunks won't feel so bad.

Ah I see.
So over 16 weeks it could go something like
3-4 weeks you
2-3 weeks BIL
3-4 weeks you
2-3 weeks BIL
3-4 weeks you again
No wonder you are finding it hard - it's an awful lot of time in a concentrated period but even spread out will feel like nearly 3 months because it is nearly 3 months.
Summer rental is a practical but costly option. Cutting it down to 4 weeks each/2 month stay overall...but if it is too hot in India, where does she go the other 2 months. Alternate weeks with BIL so you have 8 each but alternating seems a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and would still impose on you if I am reading it right.
Does your husband take time off when she's there?

@teddybear45

DH is already on board with an initial exclusion. Stays banned but visits okay in this time. He's not being completely unreasonable he agrees this should be our family time.

My issue is that I'd prefer shorter more manageable stays when it does inevitably happen. I'm not trying to reduce the overall amount of time spent with us, just break it up I to shorter more palletable chunks. Even the nicest house guest is still an intrusion in your personal space, and I really really value my space. I don't think I'm out of line for asking for shorter stays (but overall same out of time spent with us) probably something like alternate weeks.

OP I sympathise with you. When someone's staying, no matter how helpful they are, your house is not your own. We had wife's sister and niece here for SIX MONTHS from Philippines last year after our daughter died suddenly. I didn't mind and did all the visa applications and paid for their tickets etc and they did cooking and cleaning and did comfort us. It was okay but wouldn't want it every year. It is a cultural thing. I didn't see why they couldn't go back after 3 or 4 months even though their visa was for 6 full months.

I wonder if you might get further with this talking directly to your MIL. She sounds lovely and not in any need of the special consideration her son feels she needs. As a woman and a mother she will probably understand.

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

Tbh it's probably more like
2-3 weeks us
1-2 week BIL
...repeated for 4 months

Rental is definitely not an option. It would be a lot of to and fro, but really I think more than a week with a newborn is too much. And that's precious time I will never get back - and missed the first time round due to ill health and my own I trying family members. That's what's making me concerned, I'm not in a hurry to repeat what was such a difficult experience the first time round.

For the record in case anyone thinks I'm bashing MIL it's definitely not her at fault and I genuinely think she'd understand. It's just getting DH on board with shorter visits

@Yappy12
When someone's staying, no matter how helpful they are, your house is not your own

EXACTLY. Thank you so much, I genuinely thought this was just me that felt this way!

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm shuddering at the thought of my MIL staying longer than a week. And we get on really well. A few days and I start to get twitchy!

Maybe show your husband this thread. We don't have people stay longer than a few days in our house, on either side of family. Would offer to pay for a local B&B if they couldn't afford one and wanted to stay longer.... Maybe I'm weird. We need our space

Surfskatefamily, no you're not weird. I got fed up after a month last year but couldn't say much as we were planning a funeral and things were upsetting as it was. So I just kept quiet. Wife was at work so I'd always to think ahead what to give them for lunch as they may not like stuff I eat. Then there's breakfasts whereas we don't bother with much. Had a mountain of washing as they changed all their clothes, trousers and jeans too every day! Your house just isn't your own at all.

it sounds so boring common sense that I'm sure it has already been suggested above, but I've not RTFT. Why don't you and BILs do two weeks each? Turn and turn about?

YABU your house your rules however speaking from experience I'm quite glad I 'put up' with the extended visits in the early days. I am now much more laid back, get along v well with my MIL and v much enjoy her visits (2months stretch every year). As the kids have got older it's become even more helpful for her to be around. Just think long term as well.

Little update just in case anyone is interested (doubt it!)

DH had a good chat and have both seen it from each others point of view. I will be broaching the subject with MIL so he doesn't have to manage the situation. He also thinks she will understand, obviously if framed in a nice way that she isn't being excluded, just making it work for everyone involved.

I get my alone time, she gets time with baby and DH gets time with everyone. Nobody feels neglected or excluded and we all are mindful and respectful of each others personal and cultural needs.

Thank you to everyone for your replies.