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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this neighbour is absolutely gross - WWYD?

80 replies

fluffygown · 07/08/2019 09:31

New neighbours moved in about a year ago. Noise started soon after. Constant screaming and shouting at each other, swearing at the top of their lungs. Loads of banging, sounding like they were killing each other. It was making my life a misery and woke DC up at night several times because of the noise. I went round (nearly had a heart attack in doing so) and asked politely if they could keep the noise down. Mother blamed it on her autistic daughter and said she would keep noise down. Thing is I hear the mother shouting more than the daughter. Noise went on and on and on. So I complained to the council as their house is the only council house in the road. Council sent someone round and said they realised the noise was a problem but also said they couldn't do more because of autistic daughter. Since then, mother has either blanked me when I've seen her or muttered swear words under her breath even in front of my DC.

2 months ago a used sanitary towel landed in my garden. Gross!!! I decided to ignore it thinking it was thrown over by daughter. Other bits of rubbish also appear in my garden that never did before they arrived. Now a full pair of blood stained pants complete with used sanitary towel has appeared in the middle of my garden. Absolutely disgusting! What am I meant to do with this? Put it in bin and not mention it or throw it back over fence.

WWYD? All my other neighbours are lovely. This particularly neighbour is just disgusting, I've never encountered anything like this. Noise has escalated again. Should I complain to council again? The mother looks so rough, I wouldn't put anything past her. Help!

OP posts:

EggysMom · 07/08/2019 10:44

Tread carefully (not a pun). The daughter may also have learning difficulties and may be having a very hard job understanding periods and appropriate behaviour. The mother may not even be aware that her daughter is throwing these things out of the bedroom window. If you let her know, don't be shocked if she isn't mortally embarrassed; she could well simply be exasperated and exhausted.

In many respects, I am glad that our ASD/SLD child is a boy and not a girl, I think he's going to get an easier time through puberty.

Bunglefromrainbow · 07/08/2019 10:44

Police and Social Services would be my next steps.

Raise a police report for harassment, this is not just a nuisance neighbour anymore, they are seemingly actively targeting you. There's a difference and the Police should take action (albeit only a chat with the lack of evidence at present).

Then report her to Social Services regarding the care of her daughter. You can pretty much just mention the screaming, banging etc and mention the sanitary products. Nothing will likely happen but it shows them you're serious.

These are pretty much nuclear options, I'd usually never dream of involving Social Services but this sounds like it might actually be best for the daughter if mother is struggling.

Keep evidence and even consider some cheap CCTV that you could likely set up for £50-100 as evidence gathering is likely to be key if this thing drags on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2019 10:54

Blood is a biohazard. I would report to the police.

Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2019 10:58

Be aware that if you want to sell your house, you will have to mention a neighbour dispute, especially if you have raised it with the council, police etc.

TheSerenDipitY · 07/08/2019 11:00

get some gloves and place the evidence in a bag and take down to the council and slap it down on their reception desk and calmly ask who do you complain to about these being thrown over then fence continuously by their, the councils, tenants... and demand it be logged as evidence of your complaint and tell them you will be down with each and every single one as you receive them... might light a fire under their collective asses

KUGA · 07/08/2019 11:02

Complain to the Council and take photographic evidence.
Scum bags .
I feel for you.

bellabasset · 07/08/2019 11:04

It sounds as though the mother's behaviour is anti social in addition to her having an autistic dd. All you can do is report these incidents to the council or social worker, and possibly your MP.

Sadly part of the problem may be the lack of support for the family. I don't really have any practical advice.

Mrsjayy · 07/08/2019 11:09

Somebody upthread said the dd might not be coping with periods and throwing her used things might be an out of sight out of mind thing for her, if you can't approach the neighbour because you are intimidated call the council they might be able to sort it or mediate don't phone the police what can they do ?

Coronapop · 07/08/2019 11:19

Perhaps install CCTV and when you have evidence report as possible harrassment?

x2boys · 07/08/2019 11:41

I don't know ,I have a severely autistic child and he throws things out of the window all the time it ,s not malicious ,he's also thrown things over our very low fence into my neighbours garden obviously I try and stop him etc .

lmusic87 · 07/08/2019 11:51

Go to the council and write/photograph everything.

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 11:53

Hand it all over to the police and say you consider it targetted harassment.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 07/08/2019 12:06

Playing devil's advocate here but having a child with ASC is reaaally hard. Being a child with ASC is even harder. Me and DS have clashed in the past - I have yelled at the top of my voice (till it hurt my throat) and we have had people knocking on our door after me yelling. Usually when I've really got to the end of my tether about, usually, getting ready to leave the house or going to bed. HUGE flashpoints. Things are so so much quieter here now and things are chilled. (Though it is summer holiday so I don't really need to get him to do anything he doesn't want to) but it is hard.

The other period thing. That is gross but even NT girls are funny about periods - I have a friend whose daughter refused to admit she had started and hid her pants around her bedroom. Add ASC into this and I can imagine the young girl is having difficulties.

What I would like from my neighbours is a non-judgey attitude and a kind word now and again - a how's it going? type thing. She may open up and knowing her issues may help you understand her life which is probably so so hard. A lot of the time I feel like I am just about 'coping'. DS's school said that's not enough but for me I feel if 99% of the time I am coping it's win-win. For me, DS and the neigbours.

oakleaffy · 07/08/2019 12:15

That is completely disgusting..
Once I discovered a pile of massively laden pooey disposable nappies in our back garden...with masses of silicone jelly...they were girl nappies, and the only person with toddler girl nearby lived four houses away, so I suspected foxes...and thankfully it never happened again.
But...sanitary towels and soiled underwear.. do foxes go for that?...Sounds like it could be malicious.
The daughter needs to know how to dispose of ST's in a hygienic manner {bag it and bin it, properly, in a secure bin}
Get a CCTV camera up, and do tell Council if it happens again.

Curious2468 · 07/08/2019 12:22

Another here thinking this is a child not coping with periods. It’s an incredibly stressful time for autistic girls and the whole changes thing can send them in to a complete tizz. Try and politely talk to the neighbour, she’s probably not even aware her daughter is doing this. Please don’t report to social services and the police. This woman’s life is likely difficult enough without neighbours taking their child’s autism as a personal attack

wotsittoyou · 07/08/2019 12:23

The poor daughter.

I'd bet that the daughter is throwing stuff over to hide it from her mum. The period issue needs a very delicate hand with autistic girls, and the kind of shouty/aggressive parent you are describing couldn't cut it. I'm autistic and hid my underwear when I was a child. I'd walk down the path everyday with dread that they might have been found. I didn't tell anyone when I started my period, and used my brother's socks instead of sanitary towels.

Shootingstar1115 · 07/08/2019 12:29

Oh dear 😖 my son has autism and I often feel embarrassed about how noisy he is but fortunately my neighbours are quite understanding.

It does sound like the daughter isn’t an issue here. They sound absolutely vile.

Keep a log of absolutely everything and keep reporting them.

MirandaGoshawk · 07/08/2019 12:44

In addition to the above, don't keep it to yourself. I would be getting the other neighbours on my side. Can they hear the racket? But it's a tricky one - you don't want things to escalate. It would be good if you could resolve it by talking to her face to face, with back-up. Is there someone who could go round there with you and ask for a chat?

x2boys · 07/08/2019 13:20

I think it my neighbours started ganging up.on me and coming around for a "chat" I would be the one reporting harassment Miranda!

lavenderbluedilly · 07/08/2019 13:25

If she’s screaming at her daughter who has autism, would there be a case to involve social services. Poor daughter, sounds like an awful home environment, maybe she’s scared to tell her mum about the periods

dudsville · 07/08/2019 13:29

I'm sorry, i'd move. Having had wonderful neighbours for years now I couldn't bear your situation.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/08/2019 13:36

OP I really really feel for you, it sounds awful, but just if you have had foxes, maybe think about that.

I imagine foxes absolutely would go for something bloody, and if the woman isn't securing her bins well, then maybe that's why it's started?

Or as others have said, the daughter?

I would go to her house and be very calm and nice and factual. If she effs and blinds then report to the council for sure. Unless you think she might assault you, that's the line I'd take, I think.

Stressedmummyof4 · 07/08/2019 13:39

@Dontfuckingsaycheese I couldn't have put it any better myself. And I really don't think 'getting the other neighbors on side' or reporting to the police is the right thing to do. Bear in mind this lady has enough to deal with, she's probably at the end of her tether and to be honest as a parent of an autistic child it's extremely lonely and you are already being treated as a leper without everyone in the street going against her.

The chances or her being moved by the council are close to nil. So why not try to build bridges? You have already made it clear the noise is annoying you but to say that the sanitary products are a 'targeted attack' is wrong. I think it's clear to see this wee girl could really be struggling. Why not next time your passing outside say hi how's things open up. Even if she doesn't answer ask again the next time she will come round. I'd love for people to acknowledge me, but they see my son as some sort of evil child so they avoid us at all costs.

dworky · 07/08/2019 13:55

If you have one, a neighbourhood team will deal with this.

simplekindoflife · 07/08/2019 14:12

That's disgusting and is not something you can ignore now. You need to inform both the council and the police and take photos for evidence.

Don't chuck them away, keep them there as the police might want to take them away for evidence.

Tackle this head on now before it gets any worse.

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