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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A good Mamabear?

63 replies

Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 02:04

Apologies
-this may be long.
-namechanged
-posted for traffic. This is more of a wwyd?

Can someone give me some advice, please.

DC3 is known by the middle name. Everyone uses that name for DC3.
STBXH does not like this. We have been separated for 11months.

He has a cousin staying with him for the summer.
Whenever DC go over to his, this cousin tells them they are not allowed to use the middle name. And forces them to use the first name. DC complained to their Dad, that this cousin is making them uncomfortable.
He told them that the cousin is right because when they call DC3 with the well known name, they are stabbing him in the heart and indirectly saying DC3 is not his child. For context, I gave the middle name, he gave the first name.

Yesterday, DC2 used the middle name. This cousin then says if I hear you use that name again, I will slap you across the face. STBXH was present. He heard and saw when this was said but said nothing and did nothing.
DC2 (9yr) then spent the day scared of slipping up and then receiving a slap across the face.

DC are with me now but are due back at STBXH's in two days. Cousin will still be there.
There is no court ordered child contact arrangements. Just arrangements agreed between STBXH and I.
I am so angry.
What do I do? Am I overreacting?

I am not as self confident as I once was.
Over 11years of an abusive marriage. I got used to so much. Eventually I started believing I was the one that was 'abnormal', So my normometer is way off. It is well and truly broken.
I am so angry with the cousin. So angry at STBXH for not protecting DC and making them feel safe. I am also so scared of him. Scared of standing up to him.
Am I overreacting by being so angry? What do I do?

Please, I need some calm advice.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 07/08/2019 02:12

Wow
Do DC want to go back?

I would consider a threat of physical harm and ongoing emotional harm as a very good reason to stop current contact arrangements.

No way would I let them go there

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 02:26

DC2 is scared of being slapped if the middle name slips out and wants the whole forcing them to use a certain name to stop.
DC2 loves STBXH and doesn't want him to get into trouble.
DC3 is just happy to be home and behaving oblivious but is starting to get upset when called by the usual name because STBXH told DC3 it is a bad name.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 07/08/2019 02:50

Well IMHO it's your job to protect them if their dad won't.

He should be able to be called his chosen name, that he is familiar with, without emotional blackmail or threats.

It is abusive behaviour that could escalate quickly and I wouldn't take the risk and I dont think you would either, which is why you are on here.

I would recommend that you call the national domestic abuse helpline. They can advise you anonymously.

Keep them and you safe.x

chickenyhead · 07/08/2019 02:53

24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline

0808 2000 247

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 03:02

I am with our local abuse service already. Do I still call the National line?
Sounds like a silly question. Sorry.

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 07/08/2019 03:03

Wow, what a baby. He can’t even call his own child by name because it hursts his feelings. Just tell him to grow up.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 03:27

No way send them. NO WAY. Is this cousin an adult?

chickenyhead · 07/08/2019 03:36

Whichever line you prefer, or both. You need safety guidance asap

Flyingarcher · 07/08/2019 05:04

Is the cousin an adult? How old is your DS3? Can he decide which name he wants? I hink it would be ok if he is known by one name at x place and another nane at y place. He will have to use his first name on all exams, documents in the future. I've taught girls from west Africa who have lots of names plus diminutives and often the names are used in different contexts so western type name or diminutive at school, family name with maternal side, paternal name back when they visit relatives. But, the slapping thing is very concerning and your ds2 witnessed abuse ( I presume) so he is scared it is going to be a reality. The whole 'stabbing through the heart ' thing is ridiculous language and inappropriate for a child.

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 05:14

The cousin is in her late 30s/early 40s. She is visiting for the summer with her DC (both 8yr).

OP posts:
Zeusthemoose · 07/08/2019 05:35

Can you address it with them today and depending on the response you can decide whether the visit will go ahead. Also what do the children think about going back?
This is way out of order.

Windygate · 07/08/2019 06:09

I'd assumed a cousin meant they were a similar age to your DC not an adult! I wouldn't be sending my DC there again at present, if you are frightened of your Ex imagine how scared they must be. I'd seek advice today and consider getting social services involved.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/08/2019 06:13

You can refuse to send them back.
As a parent I would if they were scared and there's a risk of physical violence over something so innocuous.

I would report to the police as a threat of violence. Having it on record will help should you ever need to go down the court route.

But for now, without a court order, I'd refuse to send them and let him take you to court for access.

They need to get a grip, loads of young children role play and will only be your pet dog or cat or horse or whatever for days on end! Using his name is nothing.

user1474894224 · 07/08/2019 06:18

Sorry I think I misunderstood originally.....an adult threatened to hit your child???? Your stbxh heard and did nothing?

  • text him that the kids are not coming as they are scared of being hit.
  • don't discuss it with your children.
  • do something else with them that day.
  • do not discuss this with stbxh any other way than via text to keep a trail.

Name issues aside. The threat of violence is not on.

Lllot5 · 07/08/2019 06:19

I wouldn’t send them back. And tell that cousin if she ever threatens your son again you’ll smack her round the face! Unbelievable behaviour from adults.

user1474894224 · 07/08/2019 06:36

@Lllot5 - that wasn't serious was it? If she ever threatens violence again you'll respond with violence 🤔 Great response!

justilou1 · 07/08/2019 06:38

The cousin is an ADULT??? Absolutely call the police now!

Chapellass · 07/08/2019 06:57

I would seek advice from the local domestic abuse service you are involved with but I think this threat needs to be reported to the police

MrsMozartMkII · 07/08/2019 07:09

I too thought the cousin was an adult.

user1474894224 has it.

You will stand up to this man. You can do it lass.

chipsandgin · 07/08/2019 07:09

Try calling the local abuse service first OP & ask them if you need to inform the police of the threat of violence before stopping their contact (so that if and when it comes up in court you’ve followed the correct procedure).

Also as pp said make sure you inform him by text or email so you have written evidence & don’t send your kids to an environment where some batshit manbaby has rules like that or they are in fear of violence if they don’t comply. Whatever you do don’t do as a pp suggested & threaten violence back! Hope it works out OP.

Lllot5 · 07/08/2019 07:11

Too bloody right I’m serious. Any one threatens my kids with a slap round the face will be sorry.

Liverbird77 · 07/08/2019 08:49

I don't think you should be sending them somewhere where there is a threat of violence and where they are scared.
Could your ex see them at yours/elsewhere without this cousin present?
Also, and I will probably be criticised for this, I would be having a word with this cousin, with dcs not present, and saying that if they hit my child I would beat the shit out of them.

MintyT · 07/08/2019 10:04

Keep your children with you and text him why. Do not let him have the children with him in fear, the fact that your child didn't say I want to be called my "middle name" is also concerning. Be firm and calm - protect your children as he won't

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 10:42

Thank you, everyone.
I am drawing strength from you all. I am really scared of him.
But I am also very very uncomfortable to let DC back there especially while the cousin is still there.
He may not be physical but will emotionally and mentally do and say things. He comes at me like a sledgehammer relentlessly.
He will also use the children, turn their heads, make them feel bad with themselves and feel scared to speak up. And if they can not.. do not speak up, I will look mad. Which is what he convinces people I am.

I have made a few calls - now waiting for them to get back to me.
Everyone seems really busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 15:32

Okay...so STBXH has just messaged asking what time I am dropping off DC.

A few days ago, DC told me they don't want to go to STBXH's while the cousin is still there. Today, they are adamant they do not want to go.

I spoke with my local domestic abuse service, they asked that I log in with 101.
I did that.
A police officer came round to see DC.
They will be referring to social services. They advised that as there is no court ordered arrangement and DC do not want to go, I do not have to drop them off.

I felt reassured then but now my brain has turned to mush. And my courage is slipping but I am holding strong.

I need a bit of hand holding and ideas of what to write in a message to STBXH that DC are not keen on coming and why. I don't want to be confrontational but I want to be concise with all the right points.
Thank you for your help.

OP posts: