A good Mamabear?

[Soangrynupset]

Apologies
-this may be long.
-namechanged
-posted for traffic. This is more of a wwyd?

Can someone give me some advice, please.

DC3 is known by the middle name. Everyone uses that name for DC3.
STBXH does not like this. We have been separated for 11months.

He has a cousin staying with him for the summer.
Whenever DC go over to his, this cousin tells them they are not allowed to use the middle name. And forces them to use the first name. DC complained to their Dad, that this cousin is making them uncomfortable.
He told them that the cousin is right because when they call DC3 with the well known name, they are stabbing him in the heart and indirectly saying DC3 is not his child. For context, I gave the middle name, he gave the first name.

Yesterday, DC2 used the middle name. This cousin then says if I hear you use that name again, I will slap you across the face. STBXH was present. He heard and saw when this was said but said nothing and did nothing.
DC2 (9yr) then spent the day scared of slipping up and then receiving a slap across the face.

DC are with me now but are due back at STBXH's in two days. Cousin will still be there.
There is no court ordered child contact arrangements. Just arrangements agreed between STBXH and I.
I am so angry.
What do I do? Am I overreacting?

I am not as self confident as I once was.
Over 11years of an abusive marriage. I got used to so much. Eventually I started believing I was the one that was 'abnormal', So my normometer is way off. It is well and truly broken.
I am so angry with the cousin. So angry at STBXH for not protecting DC and making them feel safe. I am also so scared of him. Scared of standing up to him.
Am I overreacting by being so angry? What do I do?

Please, I need some calm advice.

@Windygate, hi.
The police have referred to SS.

I am so tired. Mentally and emotionally drained. It has been a stressful few days.

I have received a couple of messages from STBXH saying how damaging I am to DC by refusing them contact with their father. Apparently, I am a bully and he is sick and tired of my coercive control.

DC and STBXH were speaking on the phone this morning, they were telling him trying to explain why they didn't want to go over to his. He cut them short. He told them not to say anything, to only tell him in person. DC2 then asked him if he had received the letter they wrote him about why they didn't want to go to his. He said he hadn't received any letter. He records all phone calls when he calls the children at mine or I call them at his. He let this slip a few days ago.

DC and I are meant to be going away next week, I had informed STBXH about these dates way back in March. Reminded him again 3 weeks ago. He agreed to me taking them on holiday on the said dates.
Guess what? Now he has informed me that he is having DC on those dates. Why? Why be so difficult?
Every single step since he walked out, has been a big fight to get to the next step.
Now I am stressed and don't know what to do. I feel sick.
The holiday is within the UK and already paid for.

Empower your child to be able to stand up for themselves and tell cousin the name they wish to be called.

You take them on the holiday OP. 100% you take them, he can't stop you. Don't even consider cancelling it. If he threatens you because of it then you report that to police too. He's attempting to still control your life and it's not happening!

Take your kids on vacation. If they are afraid and being emotionally manipulated and abused by your ex, stand up to him for them. Let him take you to court, keep all message trails etc. It's time. I lived afraid for years, standing up for us feels SO GOOD. I wish I had the balls to do it years ago. You can do it, and you won't regret it. Bullies fall pretty quickly when challenged.

Thank-you @newyork2017.
I should go with DC, shouldn't I? Just so tired of everything. I can't give in because it is obvious there are lot more fights to come. I was a doormat in marriage. Full of fear.
Now I feel safe and at peace in my home. But when he gets in touch my slowly growing backbone shrinks and scuttles off. Like almost literally.

I can only imagine OP, it must be soul destroying & bleak at times but you took the biggest step in leaving him in the first place. Therefore every move you make won't be as hard as that was, even tho I can imagine your resilience is well & truly being tested! Remind yourself of the strength it took to make those really big decisions & apply that to this.

You taking your DC on their holiday is 100% the right thing to do for you all. I would avoid contact but if you do have to speak to him you firmly say you will be taking the children given it had been agreed in advance, end of - no discussion! Trying to sabotage their holiday is hardly love especially when it's all about him putting his controlling needs first!

Take care OP - your doing a great job & enjoy your hols xx

Sending virtual hugs. You can do it. Stay strong and protect them. You are doing this for them, it's not for you. I always found that looking at it this way helped me act in their best interests.

You are not selfish, you are not weak, you are not preventing your children from having a relationship with their dad.

Don't buy into what he says.

I would vomit with stress after every text, interaction, meeting. Having come through it all, with wise hindsight I'd say, be firm right from the beginning even if you don't feel strong. Don't listen to lies, and protect their mental health.

They have a right to a relationship with their dad, but it's their right, not his.

Thanks @newyork2017. Really appreciate it.

Sounds like me now @theorchidwhisperer, vomiting with stress or developing sudden diarrhoea. It's mad. I am so glad for your words 'with wise hindsight I'd say, be firm right from the beginning even if you don't feel strong'.
I will bear this in mind. Thank-you.

Could you attend the freedom programme to get some support on survival the aftermath of domestic abuse? You sound exhausted and beaten down and perhaps people who have also been through this would be of help to give you support and strength.
You’ve already done fantastically to support your children and have their backs and they saw and felt this so well done. You’ve done that for them and they saw you be strong for them. What a role model.
Switch to emailing your Ex. Phones are in our hands and homes all the time and the impact of waiting for a text or receiving one is immediate and in your face. Emails can be opened when you choose, should you choose. If you have a supportive person you can trust, ask if they would agree to be a go between so they would agree to give their number to your ex should he NEED to get immediate contact in case of emergency. Make it someone strong who won’t be conned or cajoled. In an emergency (though I cannot see what that situation would be?) your ex could contact that person who would then contact you. All arrangements (which you don’t even need to agree to at the moment) can be made via email. This also stops your calls being recorded by him.
So go ahead and block his number and then email to say this is how our future communication looks as I will not continue to receive abusive texts from you any more.

GO ON HOLIDAY. Sorry for shouting but you need to get away and so do your kids. The children can get a cheap pay as you go which they can use to contact him which you switch OFF between calls.

Much love to you- you’ve got this nest of vipers at your back and holding you up when you need it. 💕

No way would I allow my kids to go back! EVER. Threats of physical abuse and no doubt emotional abuse over a name???
I'd march right up to that cousin and speak your childs middle name and dare her to slap me!

@Isadora2007, thank-you I am working on this. I mean, getting the children a small pay as you go phone, then switching to email. I tried emails before, he bluntly refused to acknowledge them.
But I will sort out the children's communication with him then block him.
Regarding his recording me, i have no worries unless he 'doctors' them. Which I don't know if he is able to do.

I have done the freedom program. I met some fantastic people. I do feel beaten down. Without their support, I don't want to think how much worse I could be.

But thank you to everyone on here for holding my hand when I literally was crying from sheer stress and anxiety. Thank-you.

Another vote for the holiday, and at least block him temporarily for the holiday.