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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A good Mamabear?

63 replies

Soangrynupset · 07/08/2019 02:04

Apologies
-this may be long.
-namechanged
-posted for traffic. This is more of a wwyd?

Can someone give me some advice, please.

DC3 is known by the middle name. Everyone uses that name for DC3.
STBXH does not like this. We have been separated for 11months.

He has a cousin staying with him for the summer.
Whenever DC go over to his, this cousin tells them they are not allowed to use the middle name. And forces them to use the first name. DC complained to their Dad, that this cousin is making them uncomfortable.
He told them that the cousin is right because when they call DC3 with the well known name, they are stabbing him in the heart and indirectly saying DC3 is not his child. For context, I gave the middle name, he gave the first name.

Yesterday, DC2 used the middle name. This cousin then says if I hear you use that name again, I will slap you across the face. STBXH was present. He heard and saw when this was said but said nothing and did nothing.
DC2 (9yr) then spent the day scared of slipping up and then receiving a slap across the face.

DC are with me now but are due back at STBXH's in two days. Cousin will still be there.
There is no court ordered child contact arrangements. Just arrangements agreed between STBXH and I.
I am so angry.
What do I do? Am I overreacting?

I am not as self confident as I once was.
Over 11years of an abusive marriage. I got used to so much. Eventually I started believing I was the one that was 'abnormal', So my normometer is way off. It is well and truly broken.
I am so angry with the cousin. So angry at STBXH for not protecting DC and making them feel safe. I am also so scared of him. Scared of standing up to him.
Am I overreacting by being so angry? What do I do?

Please, I need some calm advice.

OP posts:
Windygate · 11/08/2019 15:58

Soangry you can do this. Just text back that the DC don't want visit at the moment. Don't enter into any further discussion. If he turns up dial 999 and don't let him in.

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 16:06

@Windygate, thank-you.
I have started a few messages...none seem to be right.
I am taking a break now..have a cup of tea then will try again.

OP posts:
PorridgeLove · 11/08/2019 16:10

Setting aside the issue about the first name vs middle name, it is not acceptable that the cousin smacked your child. In fact, it may be illegal and you can report her. Do that.

user1471546851 · 11/08/2019 16:11

Be strong
You can do this for youre baby's
Text ex saying that at this present time it is not suitable for the children to attend they're visits at his house.
And that the children do not want to come.
Tell him that you have seeked legal advice and know that you are well within you're rights to do so at this present time.
Tell him any further correspondence is to be done via email or text.

MrsTommyBanks · 11/08/2019 16:18

Hi STBX. I will not be dropping the DC off. They do not want to be there while cousin is there as they are afraid of being physically punished. I have made this decision after taking advice from the police. SS will be in touch to advise us of how to resume contact in way that wont make the DC afraid.

Done. Stay strong Flowers

Windygate · 11/08/2019 17:12

How are you holding up?

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 17:13

@MrsTommyBanks, thank-you.
That is very much along the lines of what I want to say.

Thank you @user1471546851, I have to be strong. They have at different times come to me, hugged me and thanked me 'for having their back'.
That surprised me. But more importantly told me that they know a lot more about their dad than I thought they understood and also how much they don't want to go to his.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 17:27

@Windygate, thank you for asking. All is calm at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 17:41

Sorry..forgot to say message sent.

Literally trembling and palpitating. But relieved I have sent the message. I just couldn't let them go into that environment when they are frightened of being there while the cousin is there.

OP posts:
Gentleness · 11/08/2019 17:41

Brave woman. I hope you have a lovely evening with your dear children. You did the right thing.

Apolloanddaphne · 11/08/2019 17:51

Well done for being strong for your DC and sending the message. If your ex starts any nonsense then call the police immediately.

onyourway · 11/08/2019 17:56

I'm pleased your dc have thanked you for 'having their back'. This should give you huge strength that you have done the right thing Thanks

mogloveseggs · 11/08/2019 17:57

You're doing the right thing.
Poor dc it must have been very frightening
Flowers

Sciurus83 · 11/08/2019 18:07

Well done my love, you are doing right by your kids. Hold fast, you can weather whatever he throws at you, get a contact order and sort everything through the official channels they are here to help. Stay strong Flowers

hereforasillygoosetime · 11/08/2019 18:12
Thanks He will give you a barrage of crap now but just carry on focusing on what's best for your dc. Stay strong
Pieceofpurplesky · 11/08/2019 18:17

Stay strong. Don't answer messages/door etc.
If you think he will come round is there somewhere you can go and stay?

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 18:50

Thank you, everyone.
I really appreciate it. I really need this handholding.

I literally was sick after sending. Luckily I had taken myself away from the children to write and send the message without interruptions.

No response yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soangrynupset · 11/08/2019 21:54

Thank you so much, everyone.
So far, no response.
I am so tired, going to bed. Good night.

OP posts:
onyourway · 12/08/2019 08:49

I'm glad the message has been accepted so far without a response. Will they be happy to go back once the cousin has left, do you think? Or was it the fact that he didn't step up and protect them too big?

I hope you have a great day

Original poster
Soangrynupset · 12/08/2019 10:30

I have just had a response.

Apparently, he is shocked and disappointed that I would go the extent of telling blatant lies about his cousin.
He would never allow such.
I am accusing him falsely etc.

I am preventing the children from spending time with him.
I am damaging the children by not allowing time with their loving father and their Auntie who has only showered them with love and affection.

He always makes himself available for the children and I always block it.

OP posts:
Bairnsmum05 · 12/08/2019 10:44

From my experience it’s probably best not to get into a dialogue with him over text as he will not agree and will use the conversation to further belittle you and gas light you. I know it’s scary but you have done the right thing -dont give up now. You are being a brilliant mum protecting your kids, that’s the priority not his feelings. X

AskMeHow · 12/08/2019 10:51

Don't respond. Nothing you can say at this point is going to calm the situation.

You now know, if you didn't already, that he will say his own children are telling lies in order to mess with you Flowers

notoafternoontea · 12/08/2019 10:55

Do. Not. Respond.

At all. Just don't.

When is the next scheduled contact?

TriciaH87 · 12/08/2019 11:06

Scared or not you need to say something. Tell them your children will call dc3 what ever they like it's there choice. If they chose to use her middle name n dad uses her first so what. But I would make it clear if the cousin lays a hand on your child for using the middle name you will have them arrested and it will be used against him in court. Personally when you do go to your solicitor for the divorce I would see if you can request this cousin is not present for access.

Windygate · 12/08/2019 12:05

Soangry your doing great but you need support. Have you considered self referring to Children's Services?