To not know how to react to this message?

[Namechange2306]

So a bit of back story, my parents, particularly my mum have had an issue with my weight for years. I was very skinny as a child, but that’s partly because food was massively restricted and as a consequence I’ve grown up with a very bad relationship with food.

My mum mentioned my weight almost every time I saw her, my dad sometimes too.
I am overweight, but I also had a baby almost 10 months ago. I was overweight before then too, but I’m happy within myself at the moment anyway.

Back to the original issue. They haven’t mentioned it for a while.
I sent a WhatsApp to my mum with an image from Pinterest of the haircut I want to get and asked her opinion as I’m going back to work after mat leave in sept and said I wanted to look nice.
Her response was:
“How about shedding a few pounds too?” I honestly didn’t know what to reply, I kept typing something and deleting it, so resorted in saying “When you say things like that, what do you expect my response to be?” And she said “Just a suggestion” so I haven’t responded to that and I won’t do.

I feel really sad and let down again, I thought we’d moved on from this and she/they were understanding of the fact I need to do it under my own steam & off my own back, if I want to at all. But apparently we’re back here again (I suppose we never really left). I’ve had plenty of therapy due to my anxiety disorder and each time, my parents seem to be the main problem, especially as to why my self esteem is so low and I need reassurance constantly.

I keep thinking I need to go low contact or no contact. But I feel a huge amount of guilt doing this for some reason. I also wouldn’t know how to go about it. If I don’t answer her texts after an hour or two she often bombards me with messages asking why I haven’t responded (we live 4 hours drive apart).

My response would be "Fuck off".

Don't feel guilt. Your Mum is quite obviously projecting and is infact, a little bit of a c*nt. It's hard to come to terms with. But our parents aren't always nice people and we don't always have to keep them in our lives.

As Dan Savage always says, the leverage you have as an adult is your presence. If her behaviour makes you feel crap then it is fine to tell her that when she asks why you aren’t responding to her texts.

That is really horrible. I wouldn't be surprised if your anxiety diminished if you stopped contact with them.

My response would be fuck off too. What a bitch.

I'd respond 'at least I can do something about my weight if and when I wish, shame you can't do anything about being such a judgemental cunt'. That should ensure a bit of breathing space for a while. My friend endures her mother criticising her weight constantly - she's no more than a size 14. It took her years to tell her mother to shut the fuck up about it but I'm not sure the mother has stopped criticising

yes you are right it will be an expensive do as its a change of style.....

I would liturally just delete.

If you comment on my weight again without being asked I will not contact you again.

Depends where you want to be with contact, do you visit or could you just mute her.

"I could lose 120lbs by cutting you off, I only asked you if you liked the hairstyle, I'll ask someone else in future, cheers"

You were very skinny as a child as food was restricted?! That's abuse. OP go low contact, dont ask their opinions on anything in future to allow yourself to be open to things like this. Imagine treating your own child the way they treated you - would you find it acceptable? No. So dont put up with it. When she bombards you with texts tell her why - "I am purposely not speaking with you very much as I've realised you abused me as a child and are still trying to do it" end of.

Possibly the most silencing thing I ever saw someone reply to a mother being intrusive was the words "I hear what you're saying." No other comment. That left not knowing what on earth to say squarely with the mother, who shut up for almost a week and never mentioned it again.

"How about giving yourself a good rogering with a barbeque fork, mum? Just a suggestion."

My response would be "Fuck off"

^^ do this

My grandmother was like this to me. I loved her, and I know she loved me, and would never have gone nc. But those cutting times when she had digs about my weight were so unnecessary.

I remember once staying at hers for a weekend with DH. All weekend all I heard was "He won't want you any more if you get fat you know" and then serving me up tiny portions of food. One breakfast she was doing bacon sarnies. Everyone got the works. Greasy rashers of bacon piled onto fat rolls with lashings of sauce. Me - I was served just two microwaved dried up rashers with the fat cut off sitting shrivelled up on a teacup saucer. I was so angry and cried in the bathroom.

She's passed away now and despite missing her I feel relieved that I don't have to put up with her comments anymore. My heads in a much better place about my appearance.

I actually regret not saying "oh do fuck off gran you nasty cow!" and putting a stop to it. We would've rowed, she would've sulked for a while and bitched about me to relatives. But she would've gotten over it. But I had this silly "respect your elders" crap shoved down my neck from birth.

I wouldn't mind but I wasn't even actually overweight. I was a size 8 and 8 stone. She'll be turning in her grave now as I've gone up another stone and dress size....But fuck her!(God rest her soul!)

You asked her opinion on one thing and she twisted that to comment on your weight. That's obviously her stick to beat you with. By keeping in contact with her, you're effectively handing her the stick. Tell her that's it. Game over. She can stick her vile, hurtful and abusive comments up her arse.

My response 'how about being a decent mum for once'
She's nasty

Horrible woman. If you want to stay in contact you never, never give her the opportunity to comment on your appearance again. And if she comments unsolicited, you reply sharply.

I would ask “do you love me?” When she replies yes of course, reply if you do you will not talk about my weight unsolicited because it hurts my feelings and upsets me. Having laid it on the line, she can’t hide behind I’m only doing it to help.

My mum used to do this, until I turned around and said "saying horrible things like that makes me feel like you don't care about me, just what I look like". She's not done it since (many years now). I think she didn't realise how hurtful it was.

How about saying ‘Mum. You and Dad restricted what you gave me to eat so much as a child that I was always hungry and underweight. That has shaped my relationship with food for the rest of my life. Perhaps if you’d fed me better I wouldn’t feel this way now.’

Then wait till she contacts you.

^^ What isittooearly says. Make it clear that she's upsetting you and why, and then don't contact her for a while. Let her stew.
Hope the haircut looks great, btw

My response to her second remark would be:
'Keep your opinions to yourself Mum. If you've not got anything nice to say, don't say anything. Thanks x'

I wouldn't be able to let this go. Why should she carry on, not being told that she is an absolute bitch and a dreadful mother? I imagine I'd probably want to hurt her the way she had hurt me so I'd say something along the lines of, " If the years of being on the receiving end of your toxic, nasty comments have taught me anything it's how not to parent my own child. For that, I thank you", then I'd ignore her. If she persisted in texting and trying to brush it under the carpet I'd make her feel as awkward as possible. "Are you texting/phoning to find out how I am/my baby is or are you texting/phoning to tell me/my baby I/they look fat?"
Definitely make her face her spite.

HeyMonkey has basically answered your question unequivocally in the first reply:

My response would be "Fuck off"

Try that, see how it goes. Oh and go NC with anyone who treats you like this

Alot of mothers do not stop to think. I get wounded by my mother telling me that I am fat. But she seems to think that she is helping me improve. She constantly calls my brother fat to his face, and I tell her to stop. And she says. "But I am so worried about him he will get sick!" He is overweight. Mothers seem to worry and don't stop to think how their words sound. So she is probably worried about your health

I would text back "Because of your unnecessary and hurtful comments about my weight, I've decided not to share any further information with you regarding about me or my life.''