To not know how to react to this message?

[Namechange2306]

So a bit of back story, my parents, particularly my mum have had an issue with my weight for years. I was very skinny as a child, but that’s partly because food was massively restricted and as a consequence I’ve grown up with a very bad relationship with food.

My mum mentioned my weight almost every time I saw her, my dad sometimes too.
I am overweight, but I also had a baby almost 10 months ago. I was overweight before then too, but I’m happy within myself at the moment anyway.

Back to the original issue. They haven’t mentioned it for a while.
I sent a WhatsApp to my mum with an image from Pinterest of the haircut I want to get and asked her opinion as I’m going back to work after mat leave in sept and said I wanted to look nice.
Her response was:
“How about shedding a few pounds too?” I honestly didn’t know what to reply, I kept typing something and deleting it, so resorted in saying “When you say things like that, what do you expect my response to be?” And she said “Just a suggestion” so I haven’t responded to that and I won’t do.

I feel really sad and let down again, I thought we’d moved on from this and she/they were understanding of the fact I need to do it under my own steam & off my own back, if I want to at all. But apparently we’re back here again (I suppose we never really left). I’ve had plenty of therapy due to my anxiety disorder and each time, my parents seem to be the main problem, especially as to why my self esteem is so low and I need reassurance constantly.

I keep thinking I need to go low contact or no contact. But I feel a huge amount of guilt doing this for some reason. I also wouldn’t know how to go about it. If I don’t answer her texts after an hour or two she often bombards me with messages asking why I haven’t responded (we live 4 hours drive apart).

Ignore her and temporarily block her number -so you won't even see her abusive texts.

I'd go with what Triple said. You don't need toxic people in your life just because you are related to them.

“How about shedding your hideous attitude. You bitch”
This should have been your response

I would text and say mum your message made me cry for an hour. I think perhaps we shouldn't speak for a while. If you were my daughter and I realised how much I had hurt you, I would be very upset and want to make it up to you.

She needs to stop projecting her issues on to you. She's done that since you were a child, and continued to do so even now, knowing that causes you emotional hurt. You're happy, have a baby, looking forward to returning to work and wanting to feel good about having your hair done. She's got to then stick the boot in and bring you down. That's just malicious.

I think you should go LC, to protect yourself (and your family by extension) and tell her why.

OP, I know how you feel.

I had a terrible relationship with my dad for years (distanced a little now as he's living in Asia) as all he would ever ask me about was if I planned to lose weight ("should you be eating that?" "Are you on a diet?" "When did you last exercise?") to the point I hated eating in front of him, and how much money was in my savings ("have you tried X?" "are you working as hard as possible?") even when I didn't want to discuss it with him. I was terrible with money, so let that one slide, but the weight thing has always really hurt me. The first thing he said when I told him I was pregnant was "Oh, at your size?".

I'm lucky that my parents are divorced and my mum has always encouraged me to eat healthy/exercise but in a loving way that didn't make me hate myself (despite being naturally slim herself).

Have you raised the back story about your low childhood weight and subsequent poor relationship with food with your mother? If she is fully aware of the depth of your feelings on the subject and still made such comments, I agree she's an appalling oxygen theif. If she's not fully aware, have an open and frank discussion.
I agree that our parents' generation can be hideously tactless so it's really important that you only concentrate on how you feel about you, not what she or anyone else says.
Or is it possible that her comments upset you because you're not really that happy with your weight but you're so happy about everything else in your life, your weight wasn't a current issue for you until she brought it up?
I have cut relatives out of my life because, just like everyone else you chose to share your life with, they must deserve to be a part of your life. If they don't deserve to be a part of your and your baby's life, get rid.

What is your mother sensitive about, op? there must be something. Make passive aggressive suggestions about that and see how she likes it.

Why ask her opinion when you know that she is abusive?

Stop asking her opinion or seeking her approval. Plus as PP have said "Fuck off" sums it up.

If you go low contact and she keeps messaging you asking why have you ever told her why? That she's never got anything nice to say other than constant little digs and you're tired of it?

Post in Relationships. You'll get much more expertise there. People in Relationships recognise it's not as simple as saying Fuck Off.

eg the guilt about distancing yourself from an abusive parent is part of FOG: Fear Obligation Guilt.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Let her know that it is a completely inappropriate thing to say to anyone, especially her daughter. Why people feel the need to point this out, I’ll never know. Most overweight people are quite aware they are overweight & don’t need it pointing out.

What does your mother weigh? I would respond that I’m losing 8/9/10/11 stone right now.

i would write with the bit of the back story that you wrote above to us.and then"nd for that reason mum i wont be in touch for a while,youve hurt me for so long and ive held on in the wish/dream that youd on day stop and accept me.no longer.this will be it for a while mum.i need to work on healing the damage you have caused

My mother was like this and we had a terrible relationship throughout my teens because of it. She said she was worried about my health but that was bullshit, she was embarrassed that I wasn't skinny and she has very low self esteem and was projecting that onto me. One day I told her straight how much her words affected me and my self esteem and she seemed to have a lightbulb moment and said "so I guess this is my fault?" And I said yes. She's never commented on my weight since. I was a size 10 or 12 in my teens so god knows what her issue was. I'm a size 18 now and am very confident with high self esteem!

Please don’t let this go by without responding

Everyone who goes low contact feels guilty. That's the nature of the beast. There is a family drama and you have been given your role. If you don't fill it, then your family will do almost anything to pull you in. Flatter you, whine at you, demand things from you, guilt you. .. until they reel you in and the process starts over again. Going low contact is a way of learning to sit with the discomfort of guilt until your inner voice gains at least as much legitimacy as those outer voices. You have a right to be treated by your family with at least as much courtesy as they would treat the postman or a stranger. If your mother would not tell a stranger to lose weight, then she should have the courtesy to stop asking you.

My reply would be 'my issues with food are probably due to you restricting my food when I was a child'. She's emotionally abusive & the food restriction is neglect & abuse. Don't give her ammunition if you stay in contact, just keep it surface chit chat or cut her off completely if you'd rather as the emotional abuser will always deny, 'not remember' you or gaslight if you call them out on it anyway . She's toxic: & probably is a major factor in your anxiety.

My god they abused you as a child. Don't feel guilt op. That's horrifying. I'm sorry you went through that.

It’s great that you’re happy with your weight OP, good for you and body shaming is a really damaging thing. But... please don’t take this the wrong way.... you just admitted that you’re overweight, so, if your own child was obviously overweight, what would you do or say to them (because you love them and want them to be healthy), would you ignore it and worry in silence, or make a suggestion, as your mom has done, just wondering? (Trying to see this from her point of view really)

Oh I would reply and say, " yes I will shed the weight alright, will be a relief getting rid of you mum with your constant criticism and putting me down. Good advice. Bye"

And mean it.

She's a bitch. They gave you your food issues and i wouldnt be surprise if they feed your anxiety too.

When you say nc/lc makes you feel guilty, what exactly is it you are thinking and feeling?

There's many good messages. This one is great "“How about shedding your hideous attitude. You bitch” but people like this often turn it around to make themselves to appear hard done by so I'd probably use the more factual ones if she is that way. Block her after and your dad as he'll probably support her.

I would say ‘yes, maybe we could do it together. I’d noticed you could do with losing a bit of weight too.’
See how she likes it.

VenusTiger This isn't a loving concerned parent who tactfully suggests and offers support. Its a toxic woman who bullies her dd, makes insidious remarks her whole life and abused her as a kid by restricting her food intake!

mum pov "AIBU. I always tried to make sure my dd was skinny as a child as skinny is best. I made sure her food as restricted as a child and so she was skinny. However as soon as she became an adult and moved away she became overweight. Ive always pointed out how bad this is, hoping she would stay skinny but instead she eats! I keep making comments every time we talk but she wont lose the weight. Aibu to be such a shitty person?'