Family holidays, small children, late nights. Aibu?

[Sparrowlegs248]

We are away with other family members. I have 2 dc, 2 and 4. Last year, I was ridiculed, and told I was being precious and ott for pretty much sticking to usual bedtimes. This meant I couldn't go out in the evening, but didn't stop others going although they still didn't go. I absolutey didn't mind being left behind if they wanted to go out. This year, I have tried to be more relaxed. I'm told that they will lay in, get used to late nights, it won't do them any harm etc. . So far they have laid in by an hour, once. They are tired and crabby. Im pissrd off as i know that if id stuck to my gubs, they wouldnt be tired and crabby.

Aibu to still have them in bed by 8 and ignore he family?? How on earth do others manage this? I know other people's children stay up much later than mine.

I think it completely depends on the child. My ds is 2 & just can’t stay up ‘late’. Within 15 minutes of his usual bedtime he’s asking for his cuddle and story, no matter how exciting the things happening around him are. The rare occasions he is in bed later, he wakes up at his usual time or even earlier. Yes it’s limiting on holidays etc, but it’ll pass in time.
My friends dc is 2 months younger than my ds & is really good at staying up a bit later and sleeping in the next day. She regularly attends little family parties for a few hours etc.
You can only do what’s best for your dc. I’ll never understand why families feel the need to voice their opinions on stuff like this.

Yanbu. You know your children better than anyone else and it isn’t fair to keep them up later if they can’t cope. Just keep saying ‘you want what’s best for the children don’t you? Well, they need to go to bed by 8 so that they are not tired and grumpy the next day’. Repeat it every time you are asked and don’t go on holiday with the family next year!

Do what works for you OP. Some DC sleep in push chairs in restaurants and others don't and run around being a pain in the arse and disturbing other diners'. If your DC are exhausted and you're fed up just put them to bed at their normal time, if you're happy to do that. You tried keeping them up and it's been horrible for you. But quite honestly, it's no one else's business - they're your DC so you get to decide.

Day time naps? Bit of down time? Mine stay up later - wake around the same time ish but will have a nap daytime to make up for it. Or they go go go then have a 7pm bedtime one night.
Take turns with your DP to stay in with them?

I don't know about your age as my DD is younger (13 months) but my DPs and DB moaned and moaned and moaned every bloody night when we went on holiday with them abroad when she was 8 months old. She was absolutely exhausted every evening and just wanted to go to bed around 9pm which was one hour later than at home when she'd go to bed around 8pm. In the daytime she napped in the travel cot in the hotel room or in the buggy while we were out, but she mostly was still only having lots of short 30-45 min naps a day so was tired by the time we were having dinner around 6 etc. I just ignored them and explained she was tired and if she wasn't tired she wouldn't go to sleep anyway. And she was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep so I wasn't going to keep her awake, crying from exhaustion, as at that age she would just cry if tired anyway.

Recently I asked my DPs if they wanted to come abroad with DH, DD and I when she is about 20 months as we are thinking of going abroad again. My DPs made some snide comments about only coming if we kept her up in the evenings . I don't know why they cared because we obviously weren't in the same hotel room and they could have gone out and done whatever they wanted together, I wasn't bothered and told them to do so, but they wouldn't, just spent the entire week whinging and being grumpy. And yes you were right, nobody ever offered to get up at 7am with DD in the morning, or in fact watch her at any point (DH couldn't come with us, so it was just me and DD in the room, and she woke briefly a few times every night for some comfort). On the last evening my DPs watched her whilst she napped for 20 minutes so I could have one vaguely peaceful dinner in the hotel restaurant that wasn't super rushed, until she woke up for her tea. Which was kind of them, but they certaintly weren't going to be looking after her when she was overtired and screaming.

YANBU. They are your kids and staying up late is obviously not working well if they are tired and crabby.Stick to your guns and tell family members to butt out.

Depends on the children. Two of mine were fine with late nights and it just them meant a longer lie in.
My 12yo still wakes for the day just before 7am whatever time he goes to be. If he's still asleep by 8am then he's ill.
Although he doesn't tend to be bad-tempered with it. He's more inclined to put himself to bed early the next night.

I do think children will usually adapt pretty quickly if you give it a few days. Do your children not adapt when the clocks change or do they change the time they get up depending on winter / summer? My sister always said the same and yet on day 1 she gave up trying. I can see why your family would like you to go out with them when on holiday together. That said there's later and late - is there some compromise to be had?

YANBU

Might have got a different answer but you've tried it, and it hasn't worked. For most people, if their kids wont nap in the buggy or sleep in, they will put to bed at the normal time. An extra hour or so in the evening isn't worth having the next day written off by tantrums etc.

Only other option I can think of is keeping them up later but giving a longer lunchtime nap or reintroducing it for the 4 year old

When we went away we stayed on uk time and stayed up slightly later...it meant they were going to bes 9pm local time instead of 7.30pm uk time which just gave us enough time to get out for dinner

Some kids adapt to late nights brilliantly and just crack on.

Others cannot do late nights regardless of strategies you apply - 8pm bell rings and they become inconsolable even though they had a nap/slept in that. morning

Trust your parenting instincts, they've struggled so you know they need a quieter day/evening to avoid being vile tomorrow which is better for everyone in the long run

If you want to give it another go and shift their body clock you need to do everything later eg meals and snacks and naps etc otherwise it might not work

Ours had to have a siesta after lunch until 4 pm at the earliest. That way we could go out in the evening when it was cooler, it meant hanging around yourself in the afternoons but OH and I either read a book or dozed. It really is too hot at that time of day anyway. After a morning of swimming sightseeing then lunch they went out like a light for a couple of hours.

We do big afternoon nap then they can stay up till around 10
They do sleep in though 930 ish
Mine are 2 and 4 too

Our DC are 4 and 1 and we put them to bed normal time. We also go to bed slightly earlier then usual.
We don’t go out in the evenings. It just isn’t worth the bad behaviour the next day. They wake up normal time and we have long days, no one benefits from keeping them out.
Hope it will be a bit different when they are older.

Oh and our family always keep their kids up late and they always sleep in the next day. Just works for some and not others.

This is a classic "depends on the children".

In my case they adjusted well to later nights at that age (combined with naps during the day and falling asleep in pushchairs to be carried straight to bed in the evening) and simply got up later in the morning without any grumpiness.

However we holidayed with friends one year (villa 2 weeks) and their children simply couldn't tolerate a change in routine (first time away so parents didn't know how they would get on but assumed they be like our kids).

They woke the same time regardless and were tired/grumpy and acting up as a result - no fun for the children or the adults.

IMHO it's just one of those things. There's nothing to/no one to criticise (for anyone reasonable anyway).

After a few days we just sorted a bit of a rota wrt childcare once we realised the score re: mornings/evenings to give both couples the chance for a lie in/adult evening and meals at the villa with all of us together sharing cooking etc out and it worked well. Bit of give and take goes a long way to making everyone happy.

Of course DH and I could have just said fuck it, your kids, your issue but they are friends and you all muck in because that's what friends do and we all have a good time with happy kids as a result.

Yanbu. Mine are older and we still stick to normal bedtimes on holidays so they aren't grumpy! Maybe slightly relax occasionally by half hour or so but that's it!

I agree with you too OP- regardless of what people say, only you know your kids and what they’re like. We’ve done Center parcs twice with our DS who is 2 and going again in September- we always have and will continue to stick to his routine, because he is a child who needs his sleep. If that means nights in earlier for us then so be it- maybe in a few years but for now I don’t mind rearranging my holidays around him if I know he’ll be happier for it.

Prams our with us at night and a blankie. Sometimes went out in pjs after a bath.
Daytime nap/film time to sleep/chill and catchup.

We do one late night, next night normal bed time. Tends to prevent the crabbiness but mean we get time out. Also we take a buggy. Ours don't lie in.

One of my pet hates is people telling me my kids will sleep in if they have a late night. No they bloody well won’t. They’ve been my kids for over a decade so I think I know them best! OK maybe if I permanently changed their bedtime then they’d re-set their body clocks. But it would take weeks to achieve, not a few days.

Stick to your guns OP.

Siestas are your friend. DS has always stayed up on holiday, still gets up at 6am. We take it in turns to get up with him. And then everyone siestas after lunch. Also took the buggy out when he was smaller.

My two adjust within 24 hours and start going to bed around 9/10 and getting up at 8ish when we are on holiday. But we have never had rigid routines, so they are always able to adapt.

Not great to be miserable on holiday so I would probably just start putting them to bed on time for now. And maybe be a bit more flexible with routines in the future so they find it easier to adapt.

Mine are 1.5 and 3.5 and stick pretty close to usual bedtimes on holiday. They'd be grumpy all evening and the next day otherwise. We'll have our main meal out at lunchtime then have something light later. A glass of wine and relaxing in the apartment once they're in bed. I've got no interest in keeping them up late and am happy to go to bed early myself and be rested for the next day. Holidays with small children are different and I'm fine with that.

Depends on child and your parenting style. On holiday I would hate having to stay in during the evening/ night. When dc was under 2 I would do the normal routine in apartment (dinner/ bath/ story/ jammies/ dummy) then put into pram with a blackout cover and a small portable music device underneath and walk, and walk! Then meet everyone for dinner. I had to walk alone as dc wouldn't sleep if they heard voices. Most mights dc was sleeping in 10 minutes, others 30. I also had ear defenders which I stuck on when sleeping as I arrived to restaurant. This routine worked really well and dc would then just transfer to bed at end of night.