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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: Nanny left a bag of her own vomit in my kitchen. What to do?

88 replies

LMLMLMLM12345 · 06/08/2019 19:12

Today, among my nanny's bags, I saw a bag that looked like it was filled with vomit. When I looked inside, it turns out it was indeed a bag of her vomit (and a sleeve of cookies). I've had suspicions about strange behaviour before... small lies, denying when things break, not taking great care of our home... but this takes the cake. This is quite a difficult situation because she's a lovely person but I've felt for a while she has quite bad emotional issues. But now I wonder whether she's suited to look after a child. What if my young child had found the bag? Why, if she was sick, could she not have been sick in the toilet? Why didn't she throw the bag away? This is a step too far for me, but I'm wondering whether this falls under gross misconduct or if it's not considered so severe in the eyes of employment law. Any advice on what to do?

OP posts:
Lizzielocket · 06/08/2019 22:10

To come across a bag of vomit in your kitchen is not invading somebody’s privacy, it’s a bag of someone’s stomach contents in your kitchen!! I’d want to know where it came from. Op didn’t snoop in the nanny’s handbag.
I stand by what I say, I’ve had experience with bulimia and I would not want a person with an eating disorder caring for my DD. It’s something I feel very strongly about. My DM had and probably still has bulimia, it affected my childhood/teens in a big way.

TheSheepofWallSt · 06/08/2019 22:16

This thread is clearly bobbins- BUT funnily enough I too was once sick in a bag with a packet of biscuits in (hangover, went to corner shop, they gave me a doubled up carrier bag for the tube journey because “you look like you might need this” when I bought a packet of rich tea biscuits to settle my stomach. I did eat half a dozen biscuits and then yes, I did throw up into the bags on the overground at Dalston.

I threw the bag away- but if I’d had a few bags... it’s entirely possible I’d have forgotten. Or thrown away the wrong bag. I was in a right old state.

I’m not saying she’s hungover, but ill, pregnant, bulimic... shit happens, and almost any scenario in which she’s had to vomit into a bag (hangover excepted) require humanity and sympathy in their response. NOT dismissal.

Lizzielocket · 06/08/2019 22:16

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have posted on this thread, I’m not discriminating against anybody, I would never do that and I do have every sympathy for anyone suffering. My experiences with my DM were awful, she had a lot more going on than just bulimia and maybe that has skewed my thinking.

SemperIdem · 06/08/2019 22:23

@Lizzielocket I can understand that. I had an ED from I was a pre-teen to my late teens. It is my greatest fear that it should ever rear it’s head again now I am a mum.

When I was unwell in my teens my younger brother, 9 years younger than me, went through a brief spell of copying my behaviour without understanding what I was actually doing. It shocked me into seeking help and getting better.

I can fully understand why growing up with a mum with an ED would skew your thoughts on this topic and why you strongly feel someone with a known ED could not care for your children. Flowers

SemperIdem · 06/08/2019 22:24

I should add @Lizzielocket younger brother is now a man and totally healthy, doesn’t recall the incidents that shocked me into action.

Alfiesmom15 · 06/08/2019 23:21

@Lizzielocket if you mother had bulimia and all you can say is she probably still has it and how it affected your life...well you dont seem very supportive or caring tbh.... it's a mental health problem not bloody contagious.... if you know first hand I would of thought you would be more supportive in that situation...
OP... maybe try offering support sometimes it goes a long way for someone... what you think she was going to do with to justify gross misconduct?
I have a feeling this is a bullshit thread because surely any normal persons first thought would be to try and help.

dollydaydream114 · 06/08/2019 23:25

Yeah, she's bulimic. I think.

Why did you start looking in her bags, though?

Lizzielocket · 06/08/2019 23:42

Alfiesmom15 oh mental health conditions are contagious trust me, my DM infected my childhood with her issues, I have supported her as much as I possibly could, a child shouldn’t have to support a parent, an adult child yes but not a young teen. Please don’t judge me when you clearly have no idea what you are talking about. It took a couple of years of therapy to come to terms with my childhood, I chose to have therapy to be mentally well so I could do the best for my DC, shame my own mother couldn’t have done the same.

Semperldem I’m pleased to hear that you beat your ED, it unfortunately does affect the whole family and I’m pleased it didn’t affect your brother long term and he doesn’t remember. Unfortunately it’s a fact that children of parents who have ED do go on to have issues around food themselves, how could they not when they see or hear a parent purging, during bad times it could be several times a day. I’ve been hyper vigilant with my DD and DSD regarding weight and eating problems and they both have a healthy attitude towards food. It is an illness that affects the whole family not just the person who is ill and anybody who has had somebody close to them will tell you there is only so much support you can give, they have to recognise that they have a problem before it can be addressed and many people with ED are secretive beyond belief.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 07/08/2019 00:01

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SemperIdem · 07/08/2019 00:22

@Lizzielocket I completely agree with you. I really does effect everyone in the family. I am passionate that my daughter won’t grow up hearing me talk about my weight and viewing food as anything other than a positive thing.

OneStepSideways · 07/08/2019 06:31

She might be pregnant. When I had an HG pregnancy I had to carry vomit bags everywhere with me (the sort with gel to absorb it) or I would have been housebound for 8 months!

Or it could be your child vomited?

Or she is bulimic, or unwell with a virus or migraine.

I'd have a chat before sacking her, she obviously didn't mean to leave the bag there for you to find and it may not even be her vomit!

PriestessModwena · 07/08/2019 07:06

I don't think you can project your experiences onto anyone else @Lizzielocket as people suffer in very different ways.

It really interests me, I call it the 'Disney Complex' where adults look at their childhoods, you can either go shit happened, it'll make me stronger, I don't want my kids in the same situation. Or the opposite is this idea that childhood should be like a Disney Movie / Enid Blyton book, you hold onto that seeing yourself as a victim who deserved to be treated like mini royalty.

You don't know why your Mum did that, you don't explain if she was a single Mum, battling against all odds to do her best for you. In times of stress etc, she was ill but you survived.

With your outlook, are you suggesting children of parents unwell in any way is a huge negative for children, so they should be moved to a more positive environment?

I made an inappropriate joke at an appointment and was rushed to see a psychiatrist, they take your history from your earliest memories till the present day. I was told I wasn't mentally unwell, I was just unfortunate to have a shit life.

I believe from a certain age we are the architects of our own destiny, so as soon as I could I got a job to help out at home, I worked hard to achieve the best results possible. I remembered my childhood and merely thought, well I won't repeat that with my children.

If OP can let us know of the tribunal date, after she sacks this poor woman for vomiting, I'm sure many would be in support of the Nanny expected to do far more than she's paid for. She's not an au pair. Who's to say that the poor woman took time off previously and was reprimanded, due to the impact on OP. So this time she did things differently.

If you work in an office, managers don't rifle through bins or even employees possessions, unless they have a reason that can't be argued with. Such as knowing an employee is stealing.

For me, if it was on the side or table, my first thought would be oh dear someone is ill, i'll throw this away, then check all is ok.

Alfiesmom15 · 07/08/2019 09:29

I'm not saying it doesnt affect anyone else but just because someone is mentally I'll your not going to catch anything that's just rediculous.... I am aware on how mental health works and without support from other people I more then likely wouldn't be here.... it's a good job they didnt cast me aside because they found it tough on themselves.... no a child shouldn't have to support their parents that way but maybe if she had support from elsewhere you more than likely wouldn't have had to do it.

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