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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When someone says ‘playdate’ when they really mean childcare.

79 replies

HotMessMama · 06/08/2019 12:37

I am a single parent to an almost 3yr old DS. A family member has 2 DD aged 9 and 11. In the past this family member has asked to arrange a playdate which usually ends up with her dumping her children on me for hours. For example she will ask if we want to meet at the park/soft play etc then when I arrive with my DS she will suddenly remember that she has a doctors/dentist appointment or the car has to go in for an MOT but “you’re ok with all the kids aren’t you?”.
Once when my son was only 4 months old and v.colicky she visited with her daughters leaving them with me until almost 9pm (during that time I was unable to reach her on the phone so had to cook them dinner while also dealing with my own unsettled child)
This has happened several times; usually it involves me supervising all 3 children at whatever activity has been arranged, being unable to get hold of family member once activity is over, leaving me no choice but to take her daughters home with me for several hours!
I quickly cottoned on so started swerving her suggestions but now she’s asked to arrange a ‘playdate’ over the summer and I can’t say we have plans every day until September!

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 06/08/2019 12:39

Let her know your terms, that she has to stay with them for the whole time.

Otherwise it’s a no.

RuggerHug · 06/08/2019 12:39

Would you trust her if you remembered an appointment you had to run off to first before she said anything?

JoJoSM2 · 06/08/2019 12:40

I’d be up front and ask her if she intends to be there or is trying to dump her children. You can’t never call her out on it.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 06/08/2019 12:40

YANBU
She is a CF

singtanana · 06/08/2019 12:41

Be up front and say you’re happy to meet as long as she stays too and doesn’t leave the girls. It’s ok to be honest, it’s not being mean.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/08/2019 12:42

have a play date at hers, set the parameters of when you have to leave by and if she makes up an appointment just say "ok Ill get these guys home lets rearrange"

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/08/2019 12:42

Just tell her no, she's used up all your good will towards looking after her kids by taking the piss and disappearing for hours uncontactable on more than one occasion and you're not taking the risk of this "playdate" turning in to "heres my kids im pissing off for the day".

KnittingSister · 06/08/2019 12:42

Oh that's a shame, we were looking forward to seeing you all. See you soon then, bye.
She can only take advantage of you if you let her.

mumsie8 · 06/08/2019 12:42

I would just make it clear you are happy to have playdates as long as she is also intending to stay. So make it clear to her that she must make sure she has no dentist, doctors, car MOT appointments etc on the day you arrange to meet. You don't have to be aggressive about it. Just make sure she understands what your terms are. Bet she soon doesn't want to have a playdate. CF!

NoSquirrels · 06/08/2019 12:42

Be honest.

‘It would be lovely to meet up but I have my hands full with DS so unless you can guarantee you’ll be around the whole day I’ll have to say no.”

Then she’ll get the arse and ask what you mean and you can spell it out to her.

leghairdontcare · 06/08/2019 12:42

Tell her you need her to stay as 3 kids is too much for you to manage. Hold it at your house so if she leaves you can push the kids out the door after her.

Otherwise hold it at her house so you can get up and leave if she tries it?

cees · 06/08/2019 12:42

Be up front with her, say no and tell her you dont want to look after her children while she runs off and doesn't answer her phone. She is a piss taker.

MothratheMighty · 06/08/2019 12:42

Just tell her what you’ve said here. Then say no.

flowery · 06/08/2019 12:43

“Of course that will be lovely. What I’ll do is text you that morning to check you haven’t double-booked yourself again, as the last few times you’ve suddenly remembered appointments so we’ve not had a play date at all. That way, if something has cropped up, we can rearrange for a different date.”

BeanBag7 · 06/08/2019 12:44

"Oh I just remembered my doctor's appointment, your alright with the kids aren't you"

"No I'd rather not, see you later!"

shiningstar2 · 06/08/2019 12:44

I wouldn't hurry to reply. When you do make sure you have plans for the rest of the day. Yes we could meet at 10.30 for a couple of hours at park/pool ext but must dash off at 12.30 as have a dentist/doctor/hair appointment at 1.00. Better still play her at her own game and once there ask her to have your dc while you attend said appointment Grin

flowery · 06/08/2019 12:46

”Once when my son was only 4 months old and v.colicky she visited with her daughters leaving them with me until almost 9pm”

I don’t really understand how that happens? She says she has to go. You say ok bye. How does she end up leaving her daughter behind?

BumbleBeee69 · 06/08/2019 12:46

Ignore.. or just say NO.. and don't be explaining yourself.

CalmdownJanet · 06/08/2019 12:46

Don't swerve it or make excuses
"Sure a play date would be lovely, definitely a play date though not me minding all the kids? The last few times you've left, that's me minding your kids not a play date😂 I love company not childminding Grin"

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 06/08/2019 12:47

"Naaah thanks love, DS is only 3 and that's a bit young to play with a 9 and 11 year old. Come over without the kids food a cuppa sometime though!"

"Lol sure, as long as that's not code for childcare while you go for an appointment 😉😉😉"

"Playdate or babysitting? Cos I'm up for meeting you with the kids, but not for being in charge of all three, okay?"

AbbyHammond · 06/08/2019 12:53

Agree with other posters, ask her straight out if she wants to meet up together or if she's asking you to babysit.

CatInADoghouse · 06/08/2019 12:54

I have trouble saying no to people but this is a person that you really need to learn how to say no to. You could let it go if it were genuine once but the fact that she's done it multiple times tells you that she is using you for free childcare. The CF! I agree with pp, if you do want to see her and her DC then be honest with her when she wants to leave them with you with a lame excuse. Tell her no it's not ok. She's done this before. You will have to rearrange and then leave.

She must think you're stupid and fall for her shit excuses every time. Keep in mind that she doesn't want to see you or your DD, she just wants to dump her kids onto you.

1CantPickAName · 06/08/2019 12:55

You say “yes dd would love a play date with your 2. I’ll drop dd at yours for 2 and I’ll pick her up at 4”.

Idontwanttotalk · 06/08/2019 12:57

Do 9 and 11 year olds really want to play with a 3 year old?

I think, you need to stand up for yourself and say no because of her just dumping her children on you in the past. If you keep letting her get away with it then she will keep doing it.

Don't feel guilty. She's a user who hasn't even got the guts to just ask if you'll look after the DC while she goes on a date or whatever.

BlueSkiesLies · 06/08/2019 13:00

Sure, I’d be happy to drop my kids off at yours for a play date. I’ve got a dentist appointment next Wednesday afternoon so that would suit me :-)

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