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AIBU?

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Original poster

When someone says ‘playdate’ when they really mean childcare.

79 replies

HotMessMama · 06/08/2019 12:37

I am a single parent to an almost 3yr old DS. A family member has 2 DD aged 9 and 11. In the past this family member has asked to arrange a playdate which usually ends up with her dumping her children on me for hours. For example she will ask if we want to meet at the park/soft play etc then when I arrive with my DS she will suddenly remember that she has a doctors/dentist appointment or the car has to go in for an MOT but “you’re ok with all the kids aren’t you?”.
Once when my son was only 4 months old and v.colicky she visited with her daughters leaving them with me until almost 9pm (during that time I was unable to reach her on the phone so had to cook them dinner while also dealing with my own unsettled child)
This has happened several times; usually it involves me supervising all 3 children at whatever activity has been arranged, being unable to get hold of family member once activity is over, leaving me no choice but to take her daughters home with me for several hours!
I quickly cottoned on so started swerving her suggestions but now she’s asked to arrange a ‘playdate’ over the summer and I can’t say we have plans every day until September!

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 06/08/2019 13:16

Why do you feel you have to keep making excuses instead of just telling her what the problem is? She clearly knows you’re a complete pushover who’ll never call her on it or she wouldn’t keep doing it.
Surely you know full well an 11 year old has no interest in soft play?!

ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2019 13:21

Playdates are a reciprocal exchange of children who are friends and want to play with each other. You take turns hosting. In some circumstances one parent may be happy to host more than the other but it's the host's call.

What you describe isn't anything like a playdate.

Skittlesandbeer · 06/08/2019 13:22

I’m not in the UK, in fact I come from two fairly bolshy cultures equally. So I say this...

Ask yourself, what is the absolute worst outcome if you spoke your truth to her?

2 minutes of awkwardness, then the friendship continues but on a better footing?

She hangs up on you?

The sky falls in? (you know that doesn’t actually happen, right?!)

Work it through in your mind. Cos it feels altogether possible to me that none of those is as yukky as you acquiescing to her cheeky fuckery again (and forever), and feeling hard-done by and wet. Trust me that 20 seconds of calm, truthful assertiveness is far easier than years of hand-wringing (and childcare). It really is. And you don’t feel mean and upset afterwards, you feel strong and happy!

Once you’ve made things clear and set her straight, feel free to add that you can’t wait for next year when her kids are old enough to babysit yours alone, since you’ve got so many credits in hand!

Cuddlysnowleopard · 06/08/2019 13:23

That age differences is too big to be a playdate anyway.

I'd suggest meeting for a coffee, and you leave when she does. Or meeting at a park, and again you just leave when she does.

Kaddm · 06/08/2019 13:24

Arrange something next week. Night before, text saying your child is puking.

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 13:29

For me, the most annoying thing would be that if my family member actually asked if I could watch their kids for an hour or two while she went to an appointment, I wouldn't mind one bit. But pretending she likes your company just to take advantage is really hurtful, as well as annoying.

sheshootssheimplores · 06/08/2019 13:31

Wow! I can’t believe the cheekyfuckery that goes on!!

SavingSpaces2019 · 06/08/2019 13:32

You've already got the best excuse - a 3 year old doesn't need a playdate with a 9 and 11 year old.
Just tell her that a 'playdate' is not appropriate anymore given the difference in ages.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/08/2019 13:36

@Skittlesandbeer is right
"none of those is as yukky as you acquiescing to her cheeky fuckery again (and forever), and feeling hard-done by and wet. Trust me that 20 seconds of calm, truthful assertiveness is far easier than years of hand-wringing (and childcare)."
She is totally taking advantage of you - and rubbing salt in the wound by deliberately being unreachable, as you say "leaving me with no choice." In fact to me that is absolute worst thing right there. Supposing you or your baby or her two children had an emergency? Utterly irresponsible. Also someone who thinks its OK to dump their 2 older children on a person with a 4 month old baby and use them as a childminder leaves me speechless...its not even as if she was doing this for work but so that she could grab some free time. What a selfish CF!
Well you do have a choice. Is the risk of "offending" her by pointing out her unreasonableness worse than letting her repeat this pattern again and again..
Put your self and your baby first. Tell it to her straight, by text if need be, diplomactically if need be, but truthfully. Good luck

PopWentTheWeasel · 06/08/2019 13:43

We have "friends" like this. They want DS to go round as a playmate for their DC so they don't have to parent them. We're meant to trot around dropping off and collecting when they've been really unpleasant to our other DC.

OP, tomorrow you're going to go to a toddler group and your DC is going to inadvertently spend time with a child with "chicken pox". You'll then have to isolate your DC for 14 days in case they also get "chicken pox". Whilst they're in isolation, you can make arrangements for the last couple of weeks of the summer holidays, so you have no time availabile to do her childcare for her. Shame.

RushianDisney · 06/08/2019 13:44

You just have to tell it straight to CFs like this woman or she will just keep taking the piss. No 9 and 11 year olds I've ever met want to play with a 3 year old for hours on end.

Drum2018 · 06/08/2019 13:49

A playdate between a 3 yr old and a 9 & 11 yr old - bullshit. Tell her you can call to her house for one hour and then leave after the hour. That's if you even feel like meeting up with her. I wouldn't bother meeting up at all.

dustarr73 · 06/08/2019 13:52

I bet the 9 and 11 year olds feel just the same as you.And she has used all their friends,which is why she has moved on to you.
Just tell her you will meet for a coffee with her,but the kids have too much of a gap. See what she says to that.

NoWayDidISayThat · 06/08/2019 13:55

This has happened several times

🤷🏻‍♀️ I can see how you might let it happen the first time and, maybe, the second time but I can’t understand how you’ve let it happen several times. Are you really keen for her approval or something? You need to just say no. Don’t make excuses and don’t bother having it out with her. Just say no.

SconeofDestiny · 06/08/2019 13:59

A 3ry old doesn't have play dates with a 9 and 11 yr old. She's wanting childcare and you're obliging her every time.
Why can't you just have a grown up conversation and tell her that you're fed up being used for free childcare?

KeepFuckingOff · 06/08/2019 14:01

Tell her no because you’re sick of her taking the absolute piss by dumping her kids on you every time you meet up, just tell her straight.
She obviously gives no shits that she treats you like a doormat so why should give a shit about her feelings?

Nosavingshere · 06/08/2019 14:02

This has happened several times;
The problem is you keep letting it happen and not saying anything.
She knows this and is taking you for a fool aka nanny.
Just speak up or if you don’t feel you can do that then text to say no, I’m not able to do childcare for you

EllenRipley · 06/08/2019 14:12

"When I read the word 'play date' from you, it translates as 'a day of childcare' for me - which doesn't work for me anymore. *However it would be lovely for the five of us to hang out if we want to put a date in the diary?"

*optional

Pepper with exclamation marks if you want to appear more friendly. She's s CF.

Katelyn88 · 06/08/2019 14:17

Tell her "sure, it'll be lovely to have a play date". Just say - Sorry, next few weeks are tight (dont offer explanations), just got something or the other.
Ignore her a few times and then say you are going to someone's house for a playdate, doctors appointment, etc. In September, moan that your summer was super busy !

Don't let her walk all over you OP.

CreekyBeaky · 06/08/2019 14:17

*BlueSkiesLies

Sure, I’d be happy to drop my kids off at yours for a play date. I’ve got a dentist appointment next Wednesday afternoon so that would suit me :-)*

This.... perfect

1Wildheartsease · 06/08/2019 14:20

Do you want to meet up with her?

If so - then arrange it but make ie VERY clear that you want to see her and that if she has to go anywhere, the date can be cancelled and held another time.

If not - just politely decline.

or if you have trouble using the-word-that-isn't-yes, keep being vague and point out that it is easy to be spontaneous with only one child in tow!

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 06/08/2019 14:29

How annoying. Playdate to me means parent comes too, children play, parents police it to greater or lesser extent depending on the location and parents chat.

Stop agreeing to meet up.

Pinkout · 06/08/2019 14:30

Be more assertive then and say you’re not ok with them on your own or just stop arranging ‘play dates’.

Pipandmum · 06/08/2019 14:36

What @1csntpickaname says. If she’s asking you, say ‘great I’ll drop her off...’ Otherwise it’s not happening. And I can’t see a 9 and 11 playing with a three year old for long so it’s not really s play date anyway is it?

ambereeree · 06/08/2019 14:36

Don't make excuses just say no and tell her why. As another poster said what's the worst that could happen.