When someone says ‘playdate’ when they really mean childcare.

[HotMessMama]

I am a single parent to an almost 3yr old DS. A family member has 2 DD aged 9 and 11. In the past this family member has asked to arrange a playdate which usually ends up with her dumping her children on me for hours. For example she will ask if we want to meet at the park/soft play etc then when I arrive with my DS she will suddenly remember that she has a doctors/dentist appointment or the car has to go in for an MOT but “you’re ok with all the kids aren’t you?”.
Once when my son was only 4 months old and v.colicky she visited with her daughters leaving them with me until almost 9pm (during that time I was unable to reach her on the phone so had to cook them dinner while also dealing with my own unsettled child)
This has happened several times; usually it involves me supervising all 3 children at whatever activity has been arranged, being unable to get hold of family member once activity is over, leaving me no choice but to take her daughters home with me for several hours!
I quickly cottoned on so started swerving her suggestions but now she’s asked to arrange a ‘playdate’ over the summer and I can’t say we have plans every day until September!

how on earth is it a "playdate" for a 3 yr old boy and 9 and 11 yr old girls?

or just say... Fuck NO, im not a baby sitter, Im not watching your kids AGAIN!!!!!

Surely a 9 and 11 year old don't want to play with a 3 year old, therefore it's not a playdate. She's taking the piss.

Or what Tedd Tess said

"Hi X, lovely idea to meet up a time some point - feeling a bit frazzled myself and sorely needing a break! Do check your diary is 100% clear before we fix it though as I simply don't have the energy these days to child-watch and cook for all the kids alone again (!) til late and I naturally would expect you to supervise your own as I will mine...especially with the age gap. I will wait to hear from you. X"

Be straight next time she asks "Are you going to stay because I'm not prepared to babysit them on my own again". Rinse and repeat. And don't let her say she just needs to pop out or anything, if she does the answer is "OK - take x and y with you because I'm too busy
to babysit." Job done.

Yup I have a friend who seems to think these terms are interchangeable... I've only been fooled once, went round to hers with DS and she said, right, please take both kids to DD's room and shut the door as I've got sewing and cooking to do so musn't be disturbed! I was so taken aback I obeyed for an hour but now I ignore her CF-y requests. Other friends haven't yet cottoned on - have seen one recently doing a day's childcare a week after replying to a FB post requesting a "playdate"

So YANBU

Or....."great idea, but have you checked out some of the fee paying summer clubs? You can drop the kids off there all day and the prices are very reasonable"

I have two friends who are sisters and one has two girls who are 9 and 11 and her sis has a little boy who is 2/3 and the girls love playing with their younger cousin. Maybe that is more to do with being related but they all get on really well.

On the CF side of things your friend is taking the piss big time. Just play her at her own game, make a few appointments of your own and dump your child at hers etc.

Just reply and say “the age gap is too much at the moment for a play date to work but she still owes you a number of childcare dates so when works best for her to have your DC.” Then you don’t need to worry about making another excuse over the holidays as you won’t hear from her for ages.

"No thanks. Thr last three times you left me with all three kids. I am not a babysitter".
For me, playdates mean company for both the parent and child. You don't run off.

Just be totally up front. "Last time you disappeared, were not contactable and I had to look after all three kids. I'm not up for that. If you want to meet, stay together with kids, that's... finish that sentence as you will ... fine, great, still not OK, your choice.

Just don't turn up next time. Agree to it, then 'forget'.

@VanGoghsDog LOVE your idea !!

OP, do as @VanGoghsDog said and be unreachable when she calls. The CF totally deserves it !

Why play stupid games instead of being an adult and telling her straight?

I’m really glad I don’t know some of you in real life, you sound about 10 years old.

So at the point she says 'happy to watch the kids' you say 'no'.

People can only take advantage if you let them. Set boundries and be firm. Say in advance if you want 'Happy to go to the park or similar if you fancy a catch up, there's a big age gap so a playdate won't really work. Ill text you the night before to confirm times as you've double booked before and ill take X to toddler group otherwise.'

Thank you for your replies. My relationship with my ex-partner is strained and as a result my son does not have much contact with that side of his family. The family member in question is my ex-P sister so initially I was keen for my son to have contact with his aunt and cousins and genuinely didn’t twig I was being taken advantage of until it was too late!

I can see how you might let it happen the first time and, maybe, the second time but I can’t understand how you’ve let it happen several times. Are you really keen for her approval or something?

This. Are you scared of using the word no?

If you are desperate to maintain a relationship with them, I would text her the morning of the arranged slot and ask if it was still on as planned or if she had other plans. Then if she has, don’t go.

As others have said. Agree to a meet up if you want to maintain contact with her and your DNs, but be upfront and say you can meet for an hour or two but on the understanding she stays too and doesn't leave your DNs in your sole care. Then see how keen she is to meet up!

@BlueSkiesLies I love your suggestion

@Wellmet That how I feel too, if she’d just ask outright if I could have her girls while she gets her hair done or whatever I’d have agreed, but she makes out that she wants to see her nephew