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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by granddaughter’s comments

108 replies

4seasons · 05/08/2019 17:11

Looking after GD at the moment as her parents... my son and DIL are tied up by work commitments during the school holidays. She’s a great girl and I enjoy her company.

Today she has laughingly told me some of the things our DS has said to her about when he was a child. Complaints about the sort of food I cooked for him etc. For background my DH and I worked FT .... professional jobs which didn’t pay well when we were young so money was tight. In spite of this I always cooked fresh vegetables etc from scratch and my DC were fed and dressed well . I bought all my clothes in sales and paid for private education for my son ( daughter went to a good all girls state school ). We also budgeted so that he could follow his hobby and have the equipment he needed.
I feel very hurt that he has complained to his daughter about his childhood like this. As a result of his education and his hard work he now has a good job and earns well . I am thinking back about the things we couldn’t afford or do for ourselves because our spare cash was going on our children.

AIBU to feel upset by his comments?

OP posts:
SeaViewBliss · 05/08/2019 17:17

You haven’t given much detail about what your DS has complained about. If it’s just the food, I would say it’s not that bad.

Rtmhwales · 05/08/2019 17:17

It's hard to say really. Perhaps he shouldn't have said those things to his DD, but perhaps that's just how he felt and he wasn't bashing you per se, but the situation.

I grew up poor and we were always wanting for more. I get that my mum was a single mother struggling but I felt a bit resentful as a kid to have been brought into a situation not of my making in which she really struggled to support us. I've tried not to make disparaging comments over the years but I could see why your DS might have.

That said, I doubt I'd repeat those comments aloud to my own DC who has no understanding of the situation and likely no filter. I'm sorry you're feeling down about it. Might be worth talking to DS about?

maddy68 · 05/08/2019 17:18

He wouldn't have been complaining or she wouldn't have told you ! He would have been having a lovely chat with his daughter about how things were different when he was a child I bet it was all said affectionately not critically and it's got lost in the translation

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 17:20

How old is she? I suspect something here is lost in translation. He probably was joking, in a sort of eat your dinner, you should have seen what my mum made me. It doesn't mean he thinks that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/08/2019 17:20

Don't take it to heart. It probably wasn't malicious - we all have little jokes about our childhoods and our parents.
I always remember my parents laughing about something my grandad used to do and I was cross on his behalf - I was about 9 and my Dad said "one day you'll be saying the same about us" I replied that I'd never say such things about them - but he proved mr wrong - he was right and I was wrong. It's probably all quite light-hearted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2019 17:21

What did she say he’d complained about? Just the food?

Fragalino · 05/08/2019 17:26

Op need more detail on the food and it could have been said tongue in cheek to get his child to eat

I was fed incredible food growing up I can see now how incredibly lucky I was however I have told my dc that I was forced to eat sloppy over cooked spinach, cooked carrots and stuff like that I hated but overall incredibly food

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 05/08/2019 17:28

Could he have been joking in the style of "in my day I walked 14 miles to school in a blizzard every day you don't know you're born" kind of way? Without context - which is hard to get from a child - it's difficult to say.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/08/2019 17:29

What was he complaining about?

Millie2017 · 05/08/2019 17:29

I always say to my children “you are so lucky, we never had x, y and z growing up” or words to that effect. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate everything my parents did for me, but surely everyone aspires to give their children a better childhood then they had?!
Agree don’t take it to heart.

Veterinari · 05/08/2019 17:31

Was it a ‘we didn’t get halloumi and olives when I was a kid’ remark? Or a ‘your GO neglected me and I had a terrible childhood’ comment.

I’m guessing he’s entrusted his precious daughter to you he’s quite happy with your childcare skills so wouldn’t Overthink this

Invisimamma · 05/08/2019 17:38

Are you sure it's not more he was was saying something along the lines of 'your very lucky did as never had such nice food when I was little, we just had sausage, mash and veg' or something like that.

I often tell my sons how lucky they are as I didn't have certain things or opportunities when I was younger. I'm no way bashing my mum who did her absolute best, circumstances were just different than they are now!

diddl · 05/08/2019 17:45

"Complaints about the sort of food I cooked for him etc. "

What's the etc?

We sometimes have a laugh with our two about what we ate.

Fish fingers & pizza was a treat.

Roast on a Sunday, cold meat & fried pots or bubble & squeak Monday.

Fish on a Friday.

You could tell the day of the week by what we ate.

All remembered with affection.

bluebeck · 05/08/2019 17:45

You do sound a little over sensitive OP. Do you feel your DS has left you behind somehow?

Agree with PP it was probably a passing comment about how you over cooked the sprouts or something. Food has changed remarkably since I was young ( I am in my 50s) and I can see how a comment might have been made that had no malice behind it.

Laiste · 05/08/2019 17:52

I agree that taking your OP on face value your DSs comments about his memories of food has nothing at all to do with how much you spent on his education Confused

ALittleBitAlexis · 05/08/2019 17:53

Me and my husband have a laugh with our parents about the sort of things we'd be fed as children - it's with total affection, just that some things seem funny now.

He knows first hand what it's like to be a parent, so I doubt he'd be genuinely complaining to his daughter about you then sending her round to yours. Based on what you've said I do think you're being a bit unreasonable, but could you possibly be feeling unappreciated for the babysitting you're doing and it's leading to this overreaction?

ddl1 · 05/08/2019 17:54

I doubt that it was real complaining about you; more likely the sort of remark that most adults make to their children: 'when we were growing up we didn't have all this choice of food that you have nowadays', etc. Would he be asking you to look after his daughter, if he thought you were so dreadful at looking after children (from your description of his financial position, it sounds as though he could afford a childminder or holiday club, etc if he didn't trust you sufficiently)?

KronksSpinachPuffs · 05/08/2019 17:56

I dont think you're being unreasonable as you obviously did everything you could to give your kids the best you could, and it sounds like you did a really good job, and you are absolutely entitled to feel however you want to feel.

However I do think that if the comments were over food then it was probably very light hearted, for example could your GD have been refusing food and your DS said something along the lines of "well when I was little, grandma used to make me eat carrots!" ?

PotteringAlong · 05/08/2019 17:56

Be grateful she’s not questioning why thought your son was worth paying for private education for but your daughter wasn’t...

converseandjeans · 05/08/2019 17:57

I don't think you should take it too seriously. All parents make jokes about 'back in the day' and how things were different. I can see how you made sacrifices etc. but kids never appreciate things as much as they should, so for your DS it was the norm.
I fully expect my kids to moan about things like us making them go to National Trust, having camping trips, being embarrassing and so on.

Whisky2014 · 05/08/2019 17:58

I think you're being a bit sensitive.
I joke my mum always brought home the same leftovers from her restaurant for me to eat. Salmon every night Hmm
It's done in jest and she usually says "what a load of bollocks!".
Nothing to take to heart..

wildcherries · 05/08/2019 17:58

Yes, the private vs state school education bit jumped out at me as well, tbh.

Chakano · 05/08/2019 17:58

In context it probably wasn't malicious, but sometimes they do turn out to be unappreciative if they've been spoiled.

museumum · 05/08/2019 17:59

If he’s my age (40ish) we often laugh about 70s food with our kids. We talk about the things we didn’t get in the U.K. often that our kids take for granted like olives and avocado and smoked salmon. Let’s be honest the 70s and 80s weren’t great eras for food.

Herocomplex · 05/08/2019 17:59

You should have stopped her, i bet she didn’t think about what she was saying. Just forget it, really, no good will come of pursuing it.
Your DS feels happy that you keep your GD safe and happy, that’s all the comfort you need that you did a good job.