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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by granddaughter’s comments

108 replies

4seasons · 05/08/2019 17:11

Looking after GD at the moment as her parents... my son and DIL are tied up by work commitments during the school holidays. She’s a great girl and I enjoy her company.

Today she has laughingly told me some of the things our DS has said to her about when he was a child. Complaints about the sort of food I cooked for him etc. For background my DH and I worked FT .... professional jobs which didn’t pay well when we were young so money was tight. In spite of this I always cooked fresh vegetables etc from scratch and my DC were fed and dressed well . I bought all my clothes in sales and paid for private education for my son ( daughter went to a good all girls state school ). We also budgeted so that he could follow his hobby and have the equipment he needed.
I feel very hurt that he has complained to his daughter about his childhood like this. As a result of his education and his hard work he now has a good job and earns well . I am thinking back about the things we couldn’t afford or do for ourselves because our spare cash was going on our children.

AIBU to feel upset by his comments?

OP posts:
Teaandchocolatecake · 05/08/2019 18:02

I complain about the food my mum cooked on occasion when I was a child. I complain to my Mum, in front of my kids in a very lighthearted way. They were and are great parents, but that didn't and doesn't make me enjoy corned beef hash! Don't all children do this? My kids moan about what I feed them sometimes (most of the time) too.

ddl1 · 05/08/2019 18:04

'Be grateful she's not questioning why thought your son was worth paying for private education for but your daughter wasn't'.

I wouldn't make that assumption. It could be anything from a difference in the quality of state schools for boys and girls in the neighbourhood to that the daughter got in to a grammar school and the son didn't to that the son was younger and his parents had more money by then.

chocatoo · 05/08/2019 18:06

Don’t take it to heart. DH often talks (fondly) about things that he used to eat but they are things that my extremely health conscious MIL would never eat now... I really wonder whether he really had them - Findus Crispy Pancakes are an example DH would secretly like to have them now I think!!! I can’t imagine MIL serving except maybe as an experiment when they were new. Things were different then. I think a lot of DHs memories are clouded by time/wishful thinking!

Guavaf1sh · 05/08/2019 18:08

Families are full of these kinds of humorous stories and it would be a shame if they couldn’t be shared due to your sensitivity

sackrifice · 05/08/2019 18:08

Perhaps you should have paid for your daughter to have private education. He seems a bit, shall we say, entitled.

And here you are, still supporting him with free childcare.

Boysey45 · 05/08/2019 18:12

Money sadly cant buy class, sounds like hes a bit of a cunt really.

Original poster
4seasons · 05/08/2019 18:13

I think you are right ! I am being over sensitive about the remarks. The “ etc” bit was the fact that he had a secondhand bike as opposed to a shiny BMX...... probably explains why he treats himself to lovely new ones on a regular basis !
Thank you all for making me feel better. I suppose it brought back feelings of inadequacy because we couldn’t afford all the frills/ luxuries when our children were young. And yes ..... he obviously does trust me with his daughter .... she’s a delight.

With regards to my own daughter’s education ..... someone thought only my DS was given the opportunity of a private education .... unfortunately she failed the entrance exam for his school. The state school she went to did an excellent job and we are very grateful for that. I would never have discriminated between my DS and his sister ! She wouldn’t have let me !
Thank you for making me give my head a wobble .

OP posts:
Fragalino · 05/08/2019 18:16

Well we are all human and I'm sure everyone will complain about thier childhood in some way, if all he can come up with is new bmx and food you've done well.

barryfromclareisfit · 05/08/2019 18:16

I’m glad you are feeling better. Don’t listen if things like this come up again. Nod and say ‘Is that so?’ and let it float on by. It can only hurt you if you let it. You raised a fine son, you tried hard, and he trusts you enough to let you look after his child. Sounds like you won, to me.

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 18:24

Money sadly cant buy class, sounds like hes a bit of a cunt really

To write that there has to be a Lack of self awareness right there 😂

Op, kids, even adult ones say this stuff. Doesn't mean they didn't love you or have a great childhood. instrongly suspect if your son was being horrible your granddaughter would not have told you. So this is probably more affectionate than offensive or complaining.

ChimesAtMidnight · 05/08/2019 18:24

Don't feel bad Op ! My kids are often reminding me of Findus Savoury pancakes, Cheesy Toast Toppers, boil in the bag Cod in Butter Sauce etc.
It was whatever would dish up quickly and be eaten - that's all.
Be glad your g'daughter feels so easy with you that she can have a laugh with you.
And yes, we couldn't afford the frills and luxuries either, despite us both working long hours.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 05/08/2019 18:26

Please try not to be hurt. I have lots of memories that my mother gets really snappy about and defensive when I have mentioned them, and not one of them I am looking down on. They were just observations of the time such as Heinz sandwich spread sandwiches, wearing a nightie instead if a party dress as I had never been a bridesmaid and most girls wore those to parties, having Izal toilet paper.... there’s loads, I don’t see it as neglect, or something to sneer at just s sign of the times.

You know how elderly people remember when they were to school with holes in their shoes and only ate cabbage soup.

My kids regularly mention how we always cooked BBQ on holiday in Spain and never went out for meals, how we would eat cheese french stick and Lays crisps every day and hired a Fiat Cinquecento and all squashed in that because it was cheap.

All true, and makes them sound ungrateful because, despite this, they went abroad at least once every year.

Its just banter really.

pigsDOfly · 05/08/2019 18:27

Adult children often look back and focus on the strangest aspects of their upbringing.

My third child, second daughter, will insist that she mostly wore her sisters hand me down and was hardly ever bought any toys.

This is absolutely not the case. She had far more toys bought for her than her sister had, and was pretty spoilt tbh.

And looking back at photos of them as children I can see that she wore hardly any of her sister's clothes.

The funny thing is that she will pass shoes down from her older DD to the younger one, something I absolutely never did.

But to listen to her version of event you'd imagine she only ever played with broken bits of old toys and was dressed in rags, almost.

Someonesayroadtrip · 05/08/2019 18:27

He probably was just reinforcing her to look after things. Saying, she had a new bike and he has a second hand one so take care of it, kind of comment.

As for food. I doubt he was saying that you fed him on bread and water, probably just another off hand comment like "we had to eat what we were given". My children come out with odd ideas about things I have said off handed which were not meant at all like they interpreted.

I doubt someone who was privately school educated could really feel hard done by, if he does then he is extremely ungrateful.

Someonesayroadtrip · 05/08/2019 18:27

He probably was just reinforcing her to look after things. Saying, she had a new bike and he has a second hand one so take care of it, kind of comment.

As for food. I doubt he was saying that you fed him on bread and water, probably just another off hand comment like "we had to eat what we were given". My children come out with odd ideas about things I have said off handed which were not meant at all like they interpreted.

I doubt someone who was privately school educated could really feel hard done by, if he does then he is extremely ungrateful.

Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2019 18:28

I’m always saying things to my kids like....”when I was a child we had to eat x y and z, we had hand me down bikes and when we broke things they didn’t get replaced”...etc...etc...

Sometimes we say these things to our kids to remind them how lucky they are and to remind them how much times have changed. I grew up in a home where both my parents worked hard but money was often tight, I’m really grateful for everything my parents did for me, how they provided for me and how they fed me but I still remind my dc how things are different now.

Pillowcased · 05/08/2019 18:30

Don't worry about it, OP. My seven year old thinks my childhood was indigent because we didn't have a telephone, there were two TV channels and the internet hadn't been invented, and I think I was at university before I tasted my first olive/spaghetti/vegetable other than potatoes, cabbage, carrots and peas. Grin

Osirus · 05/08/2019 18:34

Just remember OP, we all moan about the people we love sometimes. You can’t please everyone all the time but it doesn’t mean they won’t or don’t love you any less.

leghairdontcare · 05/08/2019 18:37

I suppose it brought back feelings of inadequacy because we couldn’t afford all the frills/ luxuries

Apart from private school. Confused

ProfessorofPerspective · 05/08/2019 18:41

It's hard sometimes when you feel you've always tried to do your best.

My DD is in her early twenties and we worked really hard to send her to a local private school because the state alternative was constantly failing. It was quite academic and she was a bright girl but struggled unexpectedly; they later picked up that she was moderately dyslexic but weren't particularly well equipped to deal with it. They had little experiece with students with learning issues as admission was by a tough entrance exam, which she passed. She now works with children with learning difficulties and often tells me how hard it all was and sends me copies of old school reports to show how mean they were to her.

It is so hard not to take it personally and infer that she thinks that we made the wrong choice for her, particularly when the alternative provision was so poor and it was a big financial strain. I think what she really is trying to articulate is that she works with her students with much more sensitivity.

I hope so, I am trying not to make this all about me. But it's hard to bite my tongue sometimes!

IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2019 18:42

wearing a nightie instead if a party dress

And I thought it was only me!!!!! My mum told me the long nightdresses in M&S were maxi dresses and I believed her (well, at age 7 or so you do). I swanned off to a party and an aunt said, "Why is she wearing a nightdress?" The scales fell from my eyes and I realised that my bri-nylon dress was indeed a nightdress. The shame!

IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2019 18:47

I think this is the corollary to the stately homes thread. Obviously some parents have been evil abusive bullies, but most were doing their best, and it must be very hurtful to hear an ungrateful adult child slagging off their upbringing.

Bil is in therapy - therapy! - because of the pil. The pil were by no means perfect, but he is complaining of faults that everyone of that generation had, not anything particular to them. They were not "demonstrative" and "open" and "sharing" enough. He even went NC at one point, refusing to tell the pil what they had supposedly done 25 years previously.

Meltedicicle · 05/08/2019 18:50

Regarding the bike I would say that’s definitely a ‘think how lucky you are to have new things as when I was young I had second hand’ comment rather than a criticism of his upbringing. We only had one car growing up which dad took to work so our summer holidays were spent at home or places within walking distance so I often tell DDs how lucky they are that we have 2 cars so we can do more. It’s more about making sure they don’t take things for granted than complaining about my own childhood.

Re the food, we never had anything exotic growing up and I will tell DD that as she loves curry so maybe it was along those lines that your DH was saying that.

thewayoftheplatypus · 05/08/2019 18:54

My mum is an amazing cook, but her gravy has always been a lumpy horrible mess. When laughing about childhood meals with my kids I always mention granny’s gravy. It is meant with fondness, and it’s something I genuinely love about her now. We’d complain if the lumps were gone!
Could it be something like this, but lost in translation, as so often happens when children recount stories?

DPotter · 05/08/2019 18:54

I agree - it was probably all said in jest. You could turn the tables and tell your GD about the times your son was naughty.

I do have to take issue with your about your DD's education; you have treated your children differently and I hope you have balanced up the amount you spent on your son's education by providing your DD with a cash equivalent.