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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and wedding

71 replies

allhalewomen · 04/08/2019 20:39

My SIL and BIL are getting married, they have been together for 5 years, so we have met often and live in the same city. When they announced their wedding, we were all very happy for them, congratulated them etc. As a gift to them, we offered to pay for an item towards their wedding which is around £400, there are no strings attached to this gift and we (me and DH) wouldn't have offered if we weren't happy to do so.
They said that they weren't having children at their wedding- which is their prerogative. I had no issue with this, they have no children themselves and I didn't automatically expect my 2dc to be invited. However, I have just learnt that the wedding is in fact not child free after all. My SIL has her own niece going to the wedding, when my own 2DC aren't invited. My other SIL 2DC are also not invited. They are only having children from my SIL side, and not my BIL side of the family. This feels very unfair to me! I know many will say their wedding, their rules but I really feel hurt that they would treat our children in this way. My SIL niece is the exact age of one of my own DC, the wedding is also midweek so will be awkward for childcare. I just don't feel the same towards my SIL and BIL. My DH has said he doesn't feel like going to the wedding, but I don't feel like this is right either, as it will just cause further problems and not really resolve anything.
Sorry for the long post, not really sure what I'm asking, I just don't particularly want to be around SIL/BIL anymore as I feel like my DC aren't good enough.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/08/2019 20:42

No childcare. Excellent excuse to get out of a long, tedious day.

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2019 20:43

Has your DH spoken to them?

Original poster
allhalewomen · 04/08/2019 20:46

@Matildathecat- no DH hasn't spoken to them yet. He was going too but he was angry and I said to him to calm down before he speaks to them, before things are said that can't be taken back.
@TheLightSideOfTheMoon thats exactly how I feel right now, they will know its an excuse but at the minute I really don't care.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 20:46

That would seriously piss me off. I love a child free wedding but this is very unfair

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/08/2019 20:47

Hi OP not sure what the answer is but there is another thread on here at the moment about children at weddings and the general consensus was to invite all children or none. Or have parameters around age etc that apply equally to everyone. The injury exception was for children in the wedding party. So if your SIL niece is a flower girl or something then maybe that's why they are included?

I would maybe play stupid, next time you speak say youd heard she has changed her mind about children attending and see what she says. If she says no act confused and say oh you must have got thr wrong end of the stick as youd heard her other niece was going. It's not confrontational or accusatory but she will have to explain it

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/08/2019 20:48

*only exception

ReeReeR · 04/08/2019 20:48

There could be a reason. Perhaps you should speak to them. I would be annoyed in your position, where some children are invited but yours are not, and you have made a generous contribution.

Rachelover40 · 04/08/2019 20:48

It does seem unfair. If there is a no child rule, it should apply to everyone. I'd have a word with the couple or get your husband to do so.

AllFourOfThem · 04/08/2019 20:48

This isn’t just your SIL but your BIL as well, although your post seem to point the blame solely at her.

Are the other children flower girls or part of the wedding party?

I appreciate it’s not easy to do but I would accept it with a good grace, enjoy the day and when/if they have their own children they will probably feel mortified by what they did. It’s really not worth ruining a family relationship over this.

Quaffy · 04/08/2019 20:49

I’m probably stupid but is it your husband’s brother getting married? So the bride is inviting her nieces but the groom isn’t inviting his (ie your children?)

Atalune · 04/08/2019 20:49

So she’s inviting her sides of the family children to the wedding but not the grooms?

Is that right?

Is it your DHs sister or brother? I’m a bit confused.

Cheeserton · 04/08/2019 20:49

Sorry, no. They invite who they like. Go or don't go, up to you, but when you plan a wedding everyone just loves to guess why particular people are invited and others aren't, why it's fair or not etc, and their theories or assumptions are usually way off. Let it go and get on with it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/08/2019 20:50

I like the idea of playing dumb as suggested above. You can say you’re so pleased they’ve changed their minds on inviting close family children because childcare was looking really tricky to arrange.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 04/08/2019 20:50

Children (plural) or one child (niece) - you've used both terms.

Maybe the one child niece is a flower girl.

Anyway irrelevant, her wedding her rules.

wineandroses1 · 04/08/2019 20:51

I second the No Childcare reason for not attending. Might make them think more about the fairness of inviting children from one side and not the other. Or they may simply accept the decline - in which case I wouldn’t be giving them a £400 present.

Cryalot2 · 04/08/2019 20:51

Weddings can be a nightmare.
You have been very generous with your gift.
You and your dh have every right to feel hurt. Most would, it does look very bád looking .
No easy answers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/08/2019 20:51

I read it that it’s OP’s husband’s brother and fiancé.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 04/08/2019 20:52

You keep on with the SIL-this, SIL-that - maybe BIL doesn't like any of the kids from his side of the family ….

Butterymuffin · 04/08/2019 20:52

I would be annoyed by that if it's kids of the same age from one side but not the other. I would tell them you've realised the other kids are going and offer to pay for yours to come if it's a budget issue. This wouldn't be everyone's approach - you'll get posters just telling you to decline in a huff - but I would hope it'll make them realise how short sighted they are being and agree that the kids can come.

fedup21 · 04/08/2019 20:53

Is she having her niece as a bridesmaid or flower girl?

usersouthcoast · 04/08/2019 20:53

How old are your children? Will they realise?

I'd focus on trying not to be upset/angry/disappointed, but actually to support your husband to do the same.
This must be awful for him right now

Passthecherrycoke · 04/08/2019 20:53

Ime child free weddings always include the couples children or direct family children ie nieces etc.

I think, as a PP said, she’s invited her Family children (maybe as they have a role in the bridal party?) but your BIL hasn’t invited his. I would expect your DH to raise it with his brother but YANBU

Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 20:54

Maybe her niece is a flower girl. She may just be having that one child in the wedding party, as opposed to having to invite 4 from Dh side. Do you know for certain that the other child is attending the full day? Maybe she's just invited for the ceremony as flowergirl and will be gone when photos are done.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 04/08/2019 20:55

Perhaps people suggesting the withdrawal of the gift could READ this bit ??

As a gift to them, we offered to pay for an item towards their wedding which is around £400, there are no strings attached to this gift

Did you intend to buy a place for your children or was it a strings free gift ?

Original poster
allhalewomen · 04/08/2019 20:58

Yes its DH brother who is getting married- therefore my SIL/BIL. I actually blame BIL more, as our children are his blood relation and this is also how DH feels. I have 2C, my other SIL (DH sister also has 2 children) and they haven't been invited either- and this is the only children on BIL side of the family.

OP posts: