Page 3 | SIL and wedding

allhalewomen · 2019-08-04T19:39:56+00:00

My SIL and BIL are getting married, they have been together for 5 years, so we have met often and live in the same city. When they announced their wedding, we were all very happy for them, congratulated them etc. As a gift to them, we offered to pay for an item towards their wedding which is around £400, there are no strings attached to this gift and we (me and DH) wouldn't have offered if we weren't happy to do so. They said that they weren't having children at their wedding- which is their prerogative. I had no issue with this, they have no children themselves and I didn't automatically expect my 2dc to be invited. However, I have just learnt that the wedding is in fact not child free after all. My SIL has her own niece going to the wedding, when my own 2DC aren't invited. My other SIL 2DC are also not invited. They are only having children from my SIL side, and not my BIL side of the family. This feels very unfair to me! I know many will say their wedding, their rules but I really feel hurt that they would treat our children in this way. My SIL niece is the exact age of one of my own DC, the wedding is also midweek so will be awkward for childcare. I just don't feel the same towards my SIL and BIL. My DH has said he doesn't feel like going to the wedding, but I don't feel like this is right either, as it will just cause further problems and not really resolve anything. Sorry for the long post, not really sure what I'm asking, I just don't particularly want to be around SIL/BIL anymore as I feel like my DC aren't good enough.

MindyStClaire · 05/08/2019 07:28

*big difference

SaltyDogs · 05/08/2019 10:16

Is SIL having these 'invited children' as bridesmaids or flower girls? They may be coming for the ceremony and then going home for the evening?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/08/2019 10:37

The substantial 'no strings' monetary gift was extremely generous of you. But in relation to the question of which of the couple's child-relatives would be invited to the wedding and which not, that's an aside. A 'child-free' wedding is understandable; a wedding with selective invitations that for some reason pass over close family relations is something else again. This is the sort of thing that seems calculated to cause offence and ends up causing rifts. I'd fully expect a family member to take exception to this, gift or no gift.

As for the oft-trotted out mantra 'their wedding their rules'; that's nothing more than carte blanche for a B&G to behave as inconsiderately and rudely towards their would-be guests as they wish. But actions have consequences. They can adopt that mantra as they so choose, but should also be prepared for the fact that relationships will suffer and potentially change as a result. As PPs have previously pointed out, that's their choice.

I'd bet they are still ready, willing and able to accept the £400 gift, though. In fact, I'd take a wild guess that they already feel entitled to it and have every intention of snapping your hand off. What is it about weddings that turns people into such CFs?

Childcare would make my attendance impossible. And I'm not surprised you now don't want to be around them. Neither would I. YANBU.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/08/2019 11:07

The substantial 'no strings' monetary gift was extremely generous of you. But in relation to the question of which of the couple's child-relatives would be invited to the wedding and which not, that's an aside. A 'child-free' wedding is understandable; a wedding with selective invitations that for some reason pass over close family relations is something else again. This is the sort of thing that seems calculated to cause offence and ends up causing rifts. I'd fully expect a family member to take exception to this, gift or no gift.

As for the oft-trotted out mantra 'their wedding their rules'; that's nothing more than carte blanche for a B&G to behave as inconsiderately and rudely towards their would-be guests as they wish. But actions have consequences. They can adopt that mantra as they so choose, but should also be prepared for the fact that relationships will suffer and potentially change as a result. As PPs have previously pointed out, that's their choice.

I'd bet they are still ready, willing and able to accept the £400 gift, though. In fact, I'd take a wild guess that they already feel entitled to it and have every intention of snapping your hand off. What is it about weddings that turns people into such CFs?

Childcare would make my attendance impossible. And I'm not surprised you now don't want to be around them. Neither would I. YANBU.

BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 11:09

Why is it an issue with your SIL and not your brother?

BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 11:09

Why is it an issue with your SIL and not your brother?

firsttimeforeverything1 · 05/08/2019 11:34

This reminds me of when SIL's brother had a baby and SIL sent a message to the family whatsapp group announcing she was finally an Auntie. We have 3 DC - her nieces and nephew. Granted they're not blood relations to her - but that was so rude.

firsttimeforeverything1 · 05/08/2019 11:34

This reminds me of when SIL's brother had a baby and SIL sent a message to the family whatsapp group announcing she was finally an Auntie. We have 3 DC - her nieces and nephew. Granted they're not blood relations to her - but that was so rude.

PepsiLola · 05/08/2019 12:52

I would get my DH to write an email or text to his brother. Something along the lines of:

"I'm really hurt you don't want my kids there when X kids are there. Fair enough if you're having no kids, but it has to be all or nothing or you will be hurting feelings.

The kids invited are you niece/nephew, and my kids are you niece/nephew - I am shocked that they have been treated so differently"

I wouldn't demand anything, I would just express hurt from what they are doing.

bluebeck · 05/08/2019 13:03

Weddings are so boring anyway, I just wouldn't go. You have no childcare.

Fuck 'em.

TrumpInflatableChased · 05/08/2019 13:03

Something v similar happened where my BIL was invited and his wife and child weren't. So the cousin of the groom. It was a no children wedding but then 3 kids turned up as their parents had flown in from abroad with them. This would have been bad enough but my husband's nephew has a disability that would have been impossible to accommodate in the chosen venue. So it was fairly obvious he hadn't been invited as they'd have had to change the venue.

it's caused a god almight rift.

I think if we'd all talked to each other (the wedding was arranged very quickly for various reasons) it would have been much better and the reasons could have been explained.

I think your husband is going to have to talk to the bridge and groom and explain that this is causing a problem.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 05/08/2019 13:52

But is it just this one niece or are there others?

I had a childfree wedding with the exception of a close relative who'd flown several thousand miles to come, a relative who fostered a child couldn't leave them with anyone and a close friend had a childcare disaster so I told him to bring the kid.

NoSauce · 05/08/2019 13:54

Are they bridesmaids?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/08/2019 14:28

The substantial 'no strings' monetary gift was extremely generous of you. But in relation to the question of which of the couple's child-relatives would be invited to the wedding and which not, that's an aside. A 'child-free' wedding is understandable; a wedding with selective invitations that for some reason pass over close family relations is something else again. This is the sort of thing that seems calculated to cause offence and ends up causing rifts. I'd fully expect a family member to take exception to this, gift or no gift.

As for the oft-trotted out mantra 'their wedding their rules'; that's nothing more than carte blanche for a B&G to behave as inconsiderately and rudely towards their would-be guests as they wish. But actions have consequences. They can adopt that mantra as they so choose, but should also be prepared for the fact that relationships will suffer and potentially change as a result. As PPs have previously pointed out, that's their choice.

I'd bet they are still ready, willing and able to accept the £400 gift, though. In fact, I'd take a wild guess that they already feel entitled to it and have every intention of snapping your hand off. What is it about weddings that turns people into such CFs?

Childcare would make my attendance impossible. And I'm not surprised you now don't want to be around them. Neither would I. YANBU.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/08/2019 15:18

My screen froze and once it unblocked seems to have put my post up multiple times. Sorry.

Jux · 05/08/2019 16:07

Just talk to them, or talk to BIL at least. Talk!

Notthetoothfairy · 05/08/2019 20:59

Have you already bought the gift? It doesn’t sound like it’s warranted by the relationship you have with them so I personally would change my mind.

Rezie · 05/08/2019 21:09

Wasn't there just a thread where bride and groom would both invite 25 people. The bride wanted to invite all her family and the groom didn't invite in laws or kids. The consensus here was that it's his right and totally understandable and ok thing to do. Maybe this is similar. BIL wants to invite more friends and SIL want to invite family.

I do think that is rude. But you talked about the gift as in there are strings attached. Otherwise I don't see the relevance.

phoenixrosehere · 05/08/2019 21:30

If you’re relationship is as good as you say, why does it seem you’re both upset and jumping to conclusions?

Who did you hear this from? Also, what age is the niece invited? As others have said, could she be a part of the wedding party? How old are the other children?

You have said you offered to help pay for something so does that mean they needed help paying for some part of the wedding or were you just doing it just because?

There is hopefully a logical explanation instead of assuming the worst. Just talk to them.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 06/08/2019 09:52

I wouldn't be bothered by this at all.

PuffsMummie · 06/08/2019 11:36

I would maybe play stupid, next time you speak say youd heard she has changed her mind about children attending and see what she says. If she says no act confused and say oh you must have got thr wrong end of the stick as youd heard her other niece was going. It's not confrontational or accusatory but she will have to explain it

I would do this!