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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL and wedding

71 replies

allhalewomen · 04/08/2019 20:39

My SIL and BIL are getting married, they have been together for 5 years, so we have met often and live in the same city. When they announced their wedding, we were all very happy for them, congratulated them etc. As a gift to them, we offered to pay for an item towards their wedding which is around £400, there are no strings attached to this gift and we (me and DH) wouldn't have offered if we weren't happy to do so.
They said that they weren't having children at their wedding- which is their prerogative. I had no issue with this, they have no children themselves and I didn't automatically expect my 2dc to be invited. However, I have just learnt that the wedding is in fact not child free after all. My SIL has her own niece going to the wedding, when my own 2DC aren't invited. My other SIL 2DC are also not invited. They are only having children from my SIL side, and not my BIL side of the family. This feels very unfair to me! I know many will say their wedding, their rules but I really feel hurt that they would treat our children in this way. My SIL niece is the exact age of one of my own DC, the wedding is also midweek so will be awkward for childcare. I just don't feel the same towards my SIL and BIL. My DH has said he doesn't feel like going to the wedding, but I don't feel like this is right either, as it will just cause further problems and not really resolve anything.
Sorry for the long post, not really sure what I'm asking, I just don't particularly want to be around SIL/BIL anymore as I feel like my DC aren't good enough.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/08/2019 20:58

Surely one child does not a 'wedding with children' make? Perhaps she is particularly close to her sister's child? Has them as part of the wedding party or similar?

If there were lots of other kids I'd get your point, but if it is just one I'd feel differently.

Sceptre86 · 04/08/2019 21:00

On the face of it, it sounds really unfair. Surely you invite everyones kids or no kids? In the post you do put a lot of emphasis on your sil but your bil has a voice too and it shouldn't have escaped his notice that none of the kids from his side of the family have been invited. Dh should not speak to his brother about it, why beg for an invite for your kids? I would keep the kids at home with me and ask dh to go to the ceremony ( his brother after all) and leave it up to him whether he wanted to bother with the reception. I am reading this as bil is your dh's brother. On a side note I don't understand not wanting your nieces and nephews at your wedding, I would be rather sad if mine had not come to my wedding but it is their wedding and they can decide whatever they want.

strawberry2017 · 04/08/2019 21:07

Sounds unreasonable of the bride and groom. If family kids are invited on one side they should be invited on both. Fine if you ask other guests to come child free but family kids should either all be included or all be excluded.
Going to be a shit day for the niece with nobody to play with! X

HappyNOTdriving · 04/08/2019 21:07

Is it one singular niece that has been invited or is it multiple children but only from guests attached to sil?

usersouthcoast · 04/08/2019 21:08

I think I'd let DH to decide whether to say anything to his brother or not, but I'd let him know it was okay not to if he doesn't want to.

If the children are old enough to understand, the only time I would actually speak up would be to ask that (if it was happening) wedding talk wasn't around my children as unfair to rub their noses in it when they aren't invited but others are.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/08/2019 21:11

Sounds like shes in the wedding party whi much is completely different.

Winterlife · 04/08/2019 21:12

Brides almost always drive the wedding. I would ask and if you’re not satisfied with the response, I would skip the wedding. You won’t enjoy it anyway if you’re silently fuming.

Iloveacurry · 04/08/2019 21:20

Your DH needs to speak to his brother. I’d be very annoyed too. I understand the no kids, just family kids, etc, but if her nieces etc are being invited, then your kids and your SILs kids should be invited as well. Very bad form. I’d consider not going.

INeedAFlerken · 04/08/2019 21:21

Sounds like the Bride runs the show and the relationship. If your DH's brother, Groom, won't speak up for his family, he won't be seeing much of them anyway in future I'd bet. It will be all about her family.

Send your regrets and rein in the gift if you're unhappy and can't bring yourselves to talk to BIL.

Hmmmbop · 04/08/2019 21:23

I'd assume the other child is 'in' the wedding and that is why she is invited. That's why we invited my niece and no other children. I've been to weddings where some kids are invited but not others. Doesn't really bother me. I'd rather not take kids to be honest. There was one wedding where we weren't allowed to take 2 month old DD (EBF, bottle refuser - 3 yo I was fine not taking) so I didn't go and DH only went to the ceremony and meal, I wasn't offended though. The couple were offended we couldn't just leave her though.

JeanieJardine55 · 04/08/2019 21:29

Just give them their gift and do something nice as a family on the day of the wedding. Once they have children they will get it.

singtanana · 04/08/2019 21:37

Is there an age difference? Eg is her niece 16 and your kids 2 & 4?

boosterrooster · 04/08/2019 21:37

Your SIL may have been put under pressure from her own side to include her niece. And people who don't have kids sometimes just don't "get it" when it comes to these things, so hopefully an innocent mistake?
If not and this was intentional, then it's very unfair and I'd be annoyed. Especially as you're being so generous with your wedding gift.
Unfair on the kids too, don't know their ages but won't be nice for them if they realize DN from the other side was invited and not them.

stoplickingthetelly · 04/08/2019 21:45

I think you’ve got every right to be upset. I would be too in your situation. I think your dh should speak to bil to find out exactly why his nephews/nieces haven’t been invited when the brides have. It’s really bad form in my opinion. When my bil/sil got married a few years ago. They said only children from immediate family so this included all nephews and nieces, but not friends children or cousins etc. They had 9 nephews and nieces and all were bridesmaids and page boys. No one seemed to mind that other child were not invited.

SunshineCake · 04/08/2019 21:53

Are all the children from The brides side invited? All seems shit. Why can't people just be nice.

katewhinesalot · 04/08/2019 21:54

Get dp to talk to his brother. It doesn't matter if he conveys his anger as long as it's done calmly.

BackforGood · 04/08/2019 21:58

I like AmIRightOrAMeringue's suggestion from P1

That said, it really is far easier and more relaxing to attend a wedding without small children, than with.

justgotbanned · 04/08/2019 21:58

We're in a similar situation. My partners son is getting married and they clearly stated from the outset no children which meant my girls (partners step children) couldn't go. It's also a mid-week wedding on a school day so in the first instance I wasn't going to go, but my mum has kindly offered to do the school runs and have them overnight, so all sorted.

A few weeks ago however it transpired that there WILL be children there, but from the brides side only. There is a caveat that all children have to leave by 9pm on the invites, but both my partner and I were a little miffed. Nevertheless, it's their wedding and we won't be having our say about it. It's a shame as my girls have never been to a wedding before, but it's the bride and grooms choice which we have to respect.

macaroniandpizza · 04/08/2019 22:04

Id speak to them to see what the story is and take it from there

NoWayDidISayThat · 04/08/2019 22:05

.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 04/08/2019 22:07

I would find an unexpected bill that needs paying for around £400...
And have a day out with dh +dc instead.
Post lots of pics on SM...

Kisskiss · 04/08/2019 22:19

Why doesn’t your dh ask his brother why one child is invited but not the others. Surely they have a good enough relationship to be upfront about it ( and ask?)

Kisskiss · 04/08/2019 22:21

It seems really weird and unfair, but maybe there’s a good reason and you won’t know until he asks.. if there’s no good reason then it’s perfectly acceptable if you retract your very generous gift and decline to attend..

EWAB · 04/08/2019 22:21

Totally reasonable to be upset but (I mean this gently) it isn’t your wedding. I bet that the bride has her own niece as a flower girl so that is different to being a guest. If your two and sister-in-law’s two are also there even if really well behaved the dynamic of their wedding will change. And again very gently the gift was given with no conditions.

MindyStClaire · 05/08/2019 07:28

I don't get the reasoning about the bridal party, it's not like that's a divine right, they're chosen by the bride and groom so it amounts to the same thing.

It does suck OP and I'd start from a point of all or none. That said, different families have different rules and customs. There's a big deal between one adored grandchild who'll have relatives queuing up to take them out if they get fractious (my side) and 4 young children whose parents would be run ragged looking after them all and getting little help from other people (DH's side). One of those scenarios is much more disruptive than the other! It may be that the couple have reasons that are perfectly logical to them.