To think I may well be a victim of coercive control?

[confusedberry]

I don't even know where to start or if I am. I'm so confused with my life right now

I think people might need a little bit more information to help, or give an opinion

Your right, I just don't know where to start

Can you give one example of what's happening. Don't worry, lots of people here have been through the same thing and can help. I've been through it, i felt like i didn't know myself by the end, i had hardly any control over my own life. Leaving was the best thing i ever did, i could breath again.

Ok are you allowed to make your own decisions such as what to eat, what to wear, where to go when you go out?

Can you start with what you'd be doing differently this week if he (assuming you're in a relationship with a he) wasn't around? How do you feel when you do something he might not like?

Well I have thought it may have been in the past but then resorted to thinking I was in the wrong as usual but then the other day, I was out with friends and spent over my 'allowance' and he transferred all the money in the joint account over to his dads account so I couldn't use it. I also got told off because I was out really late (I lost track of time). Then accused that I was sleeping with my male friend. And now I'm questioning everything again

Yes, you are OP.

Pinky I have to have permission to go out with friends - he hates my friends although they've done nothing wrong to him. Sometimes he'll comment on 'who I'm dressing up for'. Eating is fine.

What do you mean allowance? Do you earn your own money?
The money in the joint account, did you both put it in?
Regardless of the answers above, this is not how a healthy relationship works

So do you have any access to money now? How are decisions made about how things are spent?

Taiwalish I guess I'd probably be making arrangements to see friends since it's out of term time (I'm studying at college). I'd also quite like a trip to town or hobby craft 🤷‍♀️

Your partner sounds very controlling. Do you have kids together?
I ask my DP if it’s ok to go out but more so in a way of ‘it’ll be you doing the child care on Saturday if that’s on” rather than ask him if it’s ok for me to actually go. Same the other way round - out of consideration to looking after our child.
Asking if you are allowed to go out in terms of If it’s actually ok to go out is not normal. You should be equals in the relationship.
Do you have anyone you can talk to? Or anywhere you can move to to get away from him

Troll When I go out for a drink, I'm only allowed a certain amount of money as it's a 'waste'. Yes, I earn my own money. Everything I earn is in the joint account. He is paid CIH.
*
Teaandcrisps* the decision is often based on whether he deems it a 'waste' or not. Yes, the money has been transferred back now. Apparently I couldn't be trusted. But I just wanted a nice night out with my friends you know?

Yes we have one DC. And the thing is, I'm not sure if I should leave as perhaps this is all me and I'm the one making all the wrong decisions. We've been together almost 10 years. 9 of which have been so happy (albeit the odd rough patch). It's such a lot to throw away and I love him dearly.

Yes. You are being controlled. Get out now x

But why does he get to decide if it’s a waste?
How does he decide if you are allowed to go out (as it’s normal in a round about way to make sure child care is covered, it’s not normal if he decides on if you can go out depending on who else is going)

9 of which were happy? What changed?

Firstly, what you earn needs to go into your own account. You can decide what to 'waste' your money on. What gives him a fucking right?! Of course he won't like your friends, he thinks if he hates them that much he might just convince you to not talk to them anymore and be solely reliant on him. The fact you have an 'allowance' shows he is controlling. I hope you find the courage to leave this piece of shit and start to gain control back of your life x

Yes, I think you are being controlled, how old is your child? Did the change in him happen when you became pregnant?

In a normal relationship you don't 'make all the wrong decisions', you are equals. We all cock up occasionally, overspend or forget the time etc. It should not cause you to get into trouble. If he controls your money that is financial abuse.
Take care and much love to you x

This is all kinds of fucked up. Really.

Strongly suggest reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Buncroft, its available as a free PDF online.

You shouldn't have your money controlled like that, it's not right. You are not a child!

Its your money, you have the right to spend it as you please. (Provided that bills and food and other needed things are accounted for). You even have the right to choose to waste it.
I sometimes waste money on purpose - I buy something (normally food related) I'm not sure I'll like, but want to try. Or I'll pay for a wax, when I could do it myself for a fraction of the price.
I can afford it, I choose to do it.
Moving money you earn to a place you can't access because he doesn't like you how you spend it - financial abuse.
Saying you can't see your friends (once childcare is covered) - emotional abuse.

Open a new bank account and don't tell him.
Control freak.
Also he has stolen YOUR money,tell him if he doesn't give it back,you will go to the police.

There's been other things too. I have said many a time that he is treating me like a child but he says 'don't act like one then'. He also spends fortune on his computer games etc but I'm told it's different because it's not pissed down the drain. I have always enjoyed a drink but all of a sudden it's an issue.

What changed after 9 years is I became full time student and also on placement and my social circle grew rapidly. I started spending more time with friends and developed some independence. Beforehand, he'd always been the breadwinner and I was childcarer and rarely worked more than a couple hours a week part time. The thing is, he has a problem with one of my friends because he's handsome. Yet if I'm out with my other best friend who's female, it's never an issue.

I have to have permission to go out with friends

Permission?!!!! So he decides when you can go out and restricts your access to money?

perhaps this is all me and I'm the one making all the wrong decisions

It is NOT you.