To think I may well be a victim of coercive control?

[confusedberry]

I don't even know where to start or if I am. I'm so confused with my life right now

We also went to counselling and the counsellor said his behaviour was controlling and also said something about emotional blackmail. But he was furious and said he was out of line and wrong.

Whenever I'm out he accuses me of going back to college, checks google to see what time the pub closes, constantly texts me...

I have to have permission to go out with friends

Simple. Does he ask you permission to go out with his friends? If not, yes you are being controlled.

p.s. Seperate bank accounts.

It doesn't sound like a good marriage.

Whenever I'm out he accuses me of going back to college, checks google to see what time the pub closes, constantly texts me

Ridiculous. Turn your phone off. Do not answer. See what he says then. That will tell you all you need to know

Please get yourself out of there.

You are being controlled. You are not treated as a equal partner in this marriage. How dare he transfer money from your joint account into his dads account so you cant get to it. As for giving you an allowance when you earn you own money....who the hell gives him the right to decide how you spend your money and how you spend leisure time? He's an insecure controlling bully. Leave him and enjoy the rest of your life doing what you want to do. You say you love him...why???...certainly sounds like he doesn't love or respect you.

Please contact Women’s Aid and they will help you make a plan to get out of this safely.

I say that as when abusive men get a sniff that you are leaving, the abusive ramps up.

You need to be like a duck, everything looks smooth from above, but below the water, legs are paddling frantically to get yourself and your child the hell out of there.

Sweetheart, needing his permission to go out is a massive red flag for abuse.
Please seek help. I promise you it will get worse, not better. You have had some good advice above. Please take it seriously. There is better out there, for you and DC

You can go on the Freedom Programme without having to leave or being ready to leave. They won't tell you what to do and you won't have to talk about your life - they just give you info so you can make sense of what's going on: freedomprogramme.co.uk

The groups are confidential, nobody else will know why you're there.

You can also talk to women's aid: 0808 2000 247

Feeling confused and blaming yourself is a consequence of prolonged abuse. Neither WA or FP will expect you to be able to neatly explain it all for them.

WA can help with practical stuff, FP can help with making sense and breaking the confusion, being able to picture how much better life could and should be.

One of the most powerful things about FP for me was being taught what healthy relationships should look like.

Asking for help doesn't mean you have to up and leave immediately. It's important that if you do leave it is when you're ready.

Clicky link www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are being abused. You need time and space to get perspective on this then you will realise the only wrong decision you made was staying with this man for so long. Get out, build up your self esteem and make your own decisions about your own life. He will do his damdest to stop you leaving so you need support . Get help from family/friends/women's aid. Good luck OP

What changed after 9 years is I became full time student and also on placement and my social circle grew rapidly. I started spending more time with friends and developed some independence. Beforehand, he'd always been the breadwinner and I was childcarer and rarely worked more than a couple hours a week part time.
There you have it, @confusedberry, in a nutshell - without your realising it, he'd felt in complete control of you for the first 9 years, so had no reason to behave coercively or to be emotionally blackmailing you. Now, he finds he's not in total control of you, and he wants that control back. It's most definitely not you, it's him. If I were you, and I had the means, I would get out of there asap.

Yes, this is coercive control. There's not the slightest doubt.

Wow OP things sound pretty bad.

You should start taking steps to leave him, and certainly contact women's aid.

domesticviolenceuk.org/signs-controlling-behaviour/
Hi OP this sounds terrible. I'd say it sounds like he is exhibiting a fair few behaviours on this list. Even a professional has agreed. He is not going to suddenly change

This week I mentioned to my husband that a few colleagues were going out to x. All men (I am female). His response was to say I should go as I'd not been out for a while and he could make sure he was back early to put the kids to bed. That is what a normal partner says. And our money is joint though he earns more so could technically be some of his money I'm pissing away

Yes this isn't right. I read out all your comments to my DH and he is flabbergasted that a husband can treat his wife in this way.

My DH and I have a separate account each and a joint one for bills and extras. We both pay in an agreed amount each month. We use this for everything from the mortgage to food shopping to the odd meal out. We do not have access to each other's private accounts though we do share openly how much we have. He wouldn't comment on my spending at all. Only a little concern if perhaps I'd spent hundreds and he'd worry that I couldn't meet our other financial obligations. I'm the same.

If your husband is controlling your finances, perhaps I pen a second bank account. Ask for them to deliver correspondence to your parents house or electronically. Perhaps to a secret Gmail account he doesn't know about. Each time you do a food shop ask for £5 or £10 cashback, whatever you can so as not to raise suspicion. Deposit your cash in the new account and build up an emergency stash. That way you'll have savings if you need them and he's withholding money from your joint account. It can also be used as part of a getaway plan if that's what you decide.

That’s not coercion it’s abuse as of January this year!
Look on here: women's aid.org. It has lots of useful info!

Sweetie get out as soon as you can, i recognise the signs.
My ex turned like this when i got a new job (not working with him), suddenly he hated me going out, criticised what i wore, started putting curfews on what time i could stay out till on the pretense he worried. He used to lock me out if i was late.
I started to get stronger, defied him, stood up to him..... that did not go down well and he turned violent when i stood up to him.
Thankfully i got out early enough.
Good luck op, i didn't have any dc thankfully but please start looking into it.

He's controlling and abusive
Leave as soon as you can

Been through a very similar relationship. It absolutely is abuse. It took me a long time to accept this as 'abuse' sounds so dramatic and he was great at making me feel it was my fault.

Friends, family and neighbours could all see it was controlling too. They didn't know about most of it though as I'd make excuses and cover it up. Do you tell friends that he's only allowed you a certain amount of money? When he texts you all night do they see this? If so, how do they react? I'm certain if you disclosed all of this to people they would tell you it's not right.

Yes he is an emotionally abusive, potentially physically abusive control freak. Get out now before it destroys your head any further. These people don't change, take my word for it.

You are definitely being coerced and controlled. He can spend what he wants on whatever he wants, but you can't? You have a child together? How long before his behaviour starts to affect your child? No, DC can't go to play with so and so, they can't have that toy because it's a 'waste' etc etc.
Do you have any family you could stay with? Does HE have anywhere he could go? You really need to get you and your child out of there, my lovely. This can not end well. And you also need to get your own account for your own money.

Rousette I got really angry one night and do that. But then he threatened he would turn up to college and wake everyone up until I came home. Also threatened to speak to my principal. He's never been like this before - I just don't understand how he can become such a different person

Cottonwool thank you. I have contacted WA in the past when he threatened to leave (being the only driver) so I would struggle to get my DD to school (it's 5 miles away and no bus routes) as I thought that was over the line and unfair. They agreed it was controlling behaviour. Although I haven't contacted Freedom before.

Mercede that did cross my mind but then, we've always been so loving together

Amiright sounds like a dream

Minions that sounds just like what I've been dealing with. I'm so happy you are now free.

Roomba I do feel like it's all my fault. Abuse just sounds wrong and I can't fathom how someone I love so much and had so many great memories with would become the person he now is. But I feel so guilty all of the time. Even my mum thinks I'm in the wrong now as he's been calling her up all the time. She doesn't know the half of it - only his side and whenever I try and explain it's shot down because 'he wouldn't do things like that on purpose, you must be doing something wrong'. I just feel so alone. And I have made mistakes too, I'm not innocent, I've been drinking probably to much and going out to much recently but it's been because I haven't wanted to come home

Sadly it sounds like he has you just where he wants you- questioning your entire thought process and behaviour and blaming yourself rather than him! I know it's hard to accept the change in personality from him if he's giving you a good cop/bad cop routine and probably occasionally giving you a flash of the charming man you fell in love with. But this kind of abuse is insidious and gradual and men like this are life ruiners .