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AIBU?

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Original poster

3 year old granddaughter doesn't like me

104 replies

grandmagorgeous · 04/08/2019 10:16

I wondered if any of you lovely ladies have come across this as I am finding it really upsetting.
I have a beautiful, almost 3 year old granddaughter, who I love with all my heart. I have seen her almost every day since she has been born ( I have a lovely close relationship with my daughter and son in law)! In the past month my granddaughter has decided she doesn't like me. She tells me 'I don't like you' pulls her face and scowls at me. Her parents tell her off for this but it just carries on. I'm finding it heartbreaking. She will sit with anyone but me. She doesn't do this when there is just the two of us. Anyone come across situation before? xx

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 04/08/2019 13:41

I don't see why people would say seeing the grandmother every day would cause this? Is it the case in homes where the grandmother lives there full time, is it the case for siblings? Would you say that a child can't bond with her DM because the DF is always there

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 13:42

But they need to learn that other people have feelings too, and if they tell someone they don't like them, that person can choose not to stay and listen to it.

& all that will teach them is that they have the power to clear someone out of the room just by saying they don't like them.

TheSheepofWallSt · 04/08/2019 13:46

Im personally astounded that so many people on this thread would take a 3 year olds exploratory emotional outbursts so seriously?!?

When did we all become so fragile we needed validation from tiny children? There’s a collective air of narcissism to this that really perturbs me...

Celebelly · 04/08/2019 13:53

Yeah this is entirely normal. My nephew went through a phase of saying he didn't like his dad and just constantly blowing raspberries at him. It passed! Toddlers are little maniacs.

Luxesoap · 04/08/2019 13:54

She is getting attention as well by saying she doesn’t like you in that her parents start explaining why she shouldn’t say that etc. And if there’s anything a 3 year old wants it’s attention. It isn’t personal so I’d try the responses given by pp’s such as “Well I love you “ etc etc.

DGD went through a similar phase at around the same age but the focus was on her poor DPs. I see her about every 6- 8 weeks as I live a long way from them and so my arrival was always a bit ‘special’. Of course she got extra adult attention and I play different things with her to her DPs. I’m a bit of a novelty whereas her parents are there 100% of the time for her and at 3 she can’t appreciate that. It’s not that she doesn’t love her parents it’s that she wanted only me to do things with her when I visited. I used to tell her that just because I’m visiting it doesn’t mean Mum and Dad can’t read her a story etc too.

Maybe it’s a sort of reverse situation with your DD in that she wants her Mum to do things with her when you’re there? They are very impulsive and quite hard to fathom sometimes but unless you are unpleasant to her (which I’m sure you aren’t), it really will be one of these phases and best brushed off no matter how hurtful it sounds.

PookieDo · 04/08/2019 13:56

My 4yo DN has done this to my DM, her DGM.

Problem is my DM makes it worse by constantly trying to kiss and hug her! Also talking to her in a silly baby voice. So don’t do this at all 😂

A respectful distance at the same time as ignoring it, hopes that makes sense.

My DM has really rough hands and turns out my DN really doesn’t like them

When I can sense DN is in one of these phases I tend to just do fun things where she will naturally join in, I don’t pressure her (not saying you do but it’s easily done where people try to sort of coerce a child into playing)

Schuyler · 04/08/2019 13:57

It’s hard but don’t take it personally. They really are learning what words and emotions mean at that age.

GibbonLover · 04/08/2019 14:02

She's going to be your GC for the rest of your life, that will never change so right now maybe stop placing so much importance on her reactions. She's only little and she isn't responsible for your happiness - you are.

You have had your own DC, it's highly likely that if you look back, you'll remember them doing something similar. TBH, it does sound as though you are a bit too intense and you seem to have DGD on a pedestal. Try to remember she's just an everyday little girl and little boys and girls can be incredibly cruel without really meaning to.

progestermoan · 04/08/2019 14:02

Have you had a hair cut etc recently?

My dd when aged 3 went absolutely mad when I did this she refused to let me collect her from nursery screamed and ran away it took all the staff to persuade her I was her mum and she cried daily for weeks and still talks about it now many many years later

progestermoan · 04/08/2019 14:04

I was actually surprised they didn’t call ss as she was displaying signs of being terrified of me all because of my hair !

Juells · 04/08/2019 14:05

There’s a collective air of narcissism to this that really perturbs me...

Hmmmm, I see it the other way around, that it's bringing up a little narcissist. I'd consider it quite precious to assure a child, who's just told you she doesn't like you, that you love her anyway. As pp have said, from the opposite point of view to mine, she's testing boundaries. Why teach her that it's acceptable to be nasty?

I guess my thinking is informed by my own experiences growing up. My mother was the most laid-back person ever, loved children, was very loving, I was very secure as a child...but I was the youngest of four. No matter how small, I wouldn't have dared say "I don't like you" exactly because I was one of four. Only a PFB who's the centre of attention would risk that.

SlowDown76mph · 04/08/2019 14:08

You need to switch it around in your head. Instead of trying to make her like you, try to find things to like about her. You don't need to verbalise those, but the switch in your 'demeanor' will help things.

Yeahnahmum · 04/08/2019 14:08

Boohoo my gd says she doesn't like me.
You've seen her almost every single day since she has been born????
Woman you need a hobby/tinder account

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2019 14:08

My 6yo used to upset most people around him by refusing cuddles or kisses from them - he still refuses them from his Dad now! - because he just didn't want to be kissed and cuddled by anyone other than me. He's ok with his grandma now, but at age 3 he was a stroppy little git and wouldn't have gone near her!

HaileySherman · 04/08/2019 14:08

3 yo are still practically babies, lol. I'm sure it hurts you, but I'm equally sure it's a phase. I think it's best to ignore (everyone, parents included). She may want the attention. After all, everything is still new to her, including the ability to elicit reactions from people. You'll probably be her favorite person before you know it.

TeintDeNeige · 04/08/2019 14:09

It’s a phase. Just keep being consistent and loving with her while also giving her a bit of space...and it will pass.

TheSheepofWallSt · 04/08/2019 14:15

But @Juells at 3 they aren’t BEING nasty- they’re being babies!!! Nastiness suggests premeditation or at least a knowledge that you’re causing pain.
At 3 you haven’t yet developed empathy - no child has- they haven’t got the neurological capability. Nice manners etc at that age aren’t done for the sake of others from a child’s perspective- they’re just doing them either for a reward (because they’ve associated the act with praise or an actual tangible reward) or because they’ve been trained through punishment (however mild) that there’s a negative consequence if they don’t.

That isn’t raising well rounded individuals with good emotional health. It’s raising suppressed individuals s

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 14:16

Yes, I think the OP is spending too much time at her daughter's house, it's way over the top

Eh? The OP herself seems perfectly fine with it. Why would somebody else's arrangement with her mother bother you so much?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 04/08/2019 14:19

Just a phase. Stay pleasant and don’t fall for it. A jolly ‘ok, well I love you very much’ often helps to show them a) they aren’t giving adults the run around and b) your
Love isn’t conditional.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 14:20

I can't imagine a grandfather being told "oh, suck it up, love bomb her when she's being horrible to you". WTF? Females must be a doormat for everyone, even toddlers?

The post isn't written by a grandfather.
If it had been, no doubt he'd get the same variety of responses that the OP, a grandmother, has got.
Whether you can imagine that or not, it's a bit hysterical to roll out the Female Doormat Card in response to a throwaway remark from a 3 year old.

Juells · 04/08/2019 14:21

But at 3 they aren’t BEING nasty- they’re being babies!!! Nastiness suggests premeditation or at least a knowledge that you’re causing pain.
At 3 you haven’t yet developed empathy - no child has- they haven’t got the neurological capability. Nice manners etc at that age aren’t done for the sake of others from a child’s perspective- they’re just doing them either for a reward (because they’ve associated the act with praise or an actual tangible reward) or because they’ve been trained through punishment (however mild) that there’s a negative consequence if they don’t.

I accept that I know nothing about child development, and that others know more than I do. Also I'm not the best person to take advice from, as I have absolutely no patience.

User12879923378 · 04/08/2019 14:23

Our little cousin was like this with her grandpa and after a few months she just went back to absolutely adoring him. It must be really rubbish when it happens and you're only human so it's not unreasonable to be upset or even maybe a bit annoyed about it - but it will pass and probably the positive "really because I love YOU" approach is the best way forward

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 14:24

What are you going to do if the child goes on to tell playmates "I don't like you"? They'll soon run out of other children to play with.

The "don't like you" stuff happens between little kids anyway. It's hopeless trying to prevent it - they need to learn it for themselves, because then they know what it feels like.
Giving them the theory at 3 years old is just making a mountain out of a molehill.

SeaEagle21 · 04/08/2019 14:26

I have seen her almost every day since she has been born

You say you have a wonderful relationship with your DD, but this seems like "extreme visiting " to me. In this situation I'd be hiding , like the PP mentioned. Give them some space , perhaps ?

MetalMidget · 04/08/2019 14:30

Yeah, my son does this. To me - "I don't like you, I want daddy". To my husband - " I don't like you, I want mommy'. To my mother, "I don't like you". Even the dog catches grief sometimes.

He's also incredibly cuddly and loving most of the time, so no-one takes it personally (well, my husband did for a while!)

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