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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry at my sister and go get her up?

92 replies

jessley199327 · 04/08/2019 08:20

SO my 14yo sister is staying with me, my partner and my son, for a bit in the 6 week holidays because she lives about 100 miles from us. For days now she has stayed up late then refused to get up, not at an unreasonable time. Ive been trying to wake her around 10am but her not getting up til 12 or 1pm. Last night i went to bed around 8pm because of a migraine and woke up to her sitting in the living room painting at 4.30am, she immediately went to bed without me saying anything. I get up this morning with our boy and realise theres watercolour all over the sofa which wont come off.
AIBU to be annoyed by her attitude recently and go get her up to try clean it? Surely shes old enough to deal with the consequences of not going to bed at a reasonable time.

OP posts:

OverpricedFloorCushion · 04/08/2019 09:59

It sounds like she's having a pretty boring time - hundreds of miles from friends but I see that's partly her own doing for not getting up in time to go out.

Can you discuss with her what you have planned for the following days and maybe choose a time together to set an alarm for and a couple of days where she can please herself when she gets up?

I think trying to involve her in making the choices might go down better than just nagging her to adhere to your schedule.

If that doesn't work, I'd leave her to it. If she wants to make herself miserable then let her be as long as it's not stopping everyone else from carrying on with their day.

Nagsnovalballs · 04/08/2019 10:04

Hang on - gaming festival and beach isn’t boring!! They’re fab teen activities. She’s bored because she misses out on the activities.

Northernparent68 · 04/08/2019 10:04

If you can’t or don’t enjoy her company, it’s best if she goes home.

FrancisCrawford · 04/08/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:09

AIBU to be annoyed by her attitude recently and go get her up to try clean it?

Yes, definitely AIBU.
She is 14 & still needs reminders/gentle nagging about sleep routines.
She was up til dawn, & needs a couple more hours.
I would have said yanbu - but you are extremely unreasonable to only become motivated to take action about her sleep patterns when it affects your sofa.

She clearly knows that staying up so late is wrong, hence she immediately went to bed without me saying anything. I can understand your irritation, but am curling my lip somewhat at the fact that you only think intervention is worthwhile when it affects YOU & you want to exact retribution by making her get up after less than 4 hours sleep to clean your sofa.

By all means make her clean it. But after another couple of hours sleep, eh? Your anger & motivation is suspect. You should have been getting her up & gently encouraging more sensible bedtimes BEFORE The Great Sofa Incident. You are her role model FFS & should be able to remember how feckin' ghastly parts of being 14 are. She needs you to care for her consistently, not just when it affects your damn furniture.

TheBigFatMermaid · 04/08/2019 10:09

OP, I think you are lovely, wanting to spend time with your sister. I have the same age gap between my two girls. My DD1 is 24 and DD2 is 13. No way would DD1 have her for a week, she won't let her go round on her own at all!

Teens do have a very different natural sleep pattern. here is some info on why. It might help you to understand she is no just being annoying on purpose.

maddiemookins16mum · 04/08/2019 10:10

The paint damage and not getting up are two different issues. The paint, YANBU, the laying in....meh, I’d let it go but say a time she needs to be in bed. My 15 year old DD was up until 1am last night watching Derry Girls on Netflix. She was up at 9am packing for Brownie camp tomorrow (young adult helper).

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 04/08/2019 10:13

Maybe I'm horrible but if someone (one of my kids or a sister) had put whatever kind of paint over any of my furniture I'd have them up cleaning it off immediately. She can go back to sleep afterwards, but you don't get to make a mess with paint and just leave it there until you're fully rested as per your own schedule in someone else's house!

CruellaFeinberg · 04/08/2019 10:13

I can understand your irritation, but am curling my lip somewhat at the fact that you only think intervention is worthwhile when it affects YOU & you want to exact retribution by making her get up after less than 4 hours sleep to clean your sofa.

She was able to go to bed at the same time as the rest of the grown ups in the home - so its not the OPs fault she was up until 4am.

the household gets up at 8 or 9 that's not early

Coronapop · 04/08/2019 10:20

I don't understand why you are so shocked and angry about a teenager having a lie in. It's normal teenage behaviour.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:20

I just want her to know that because she lives so far away, i dont see her all the time and that id like to actually spend time with her rather than waiting for her to get up.

That is so lovely. Just tell her this! & keep telling it to her ... Use Your Words!
And stop with the "try to get her up". Agree her approximate sleeptime routines with her, & then GET her up. Don't try - just do it. Then tell her again that it's because you love her & want to spend time with her - & that for her own health & wellbeing, the routine is important. She's obviously not being taught that at home, so it's a great opportunity for you to teach it to her.

It's a shame about the sofa, but she sounds adorable - as PP upthread said, painting rather than social media :)

MrsKittyFane1 · 04/08/2019 10:24

Steff: Not everyone prefers an early sleep schedule. I personally do best with a 2am-10am schedule.

And you'd stick to this as a guest in someone else's house?

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:24

Baby should be in with you and sister should have the 2nd bedroom btw.

Don't understand this. Why compromise baby's independent sleep routine when sister has a perfectly good bed, even if it is unconventionally situated in the hall?

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:31

I dont want to be controlling and tell her what to do as im her sister not her mum or dad

It's not "controlling" to encourage a minor to learn good sleep behaviours. You are her big sister, it is your house, & you can insist that she gets up.
Saying that now she'll sleep til 3pm then be pissed off to have missed our day out is daft. Get her up, remind her that she was pissed off to miss the fun last time, that she'll be bored home alone, & that you want to spend family time with her.
Stop being dictated to by a 14 year old child. She needs your slightly-tough love on this one. From what you have said, her parents don't bother.

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2019 10:31

Perfectly reasonable to expect her to clean up after herself. However I don’t understand the moral superiority that seems to go with waking up early.

NoLeopard · 04/08/2019 10:36

Just arrange joint stuff for the afternoons and do your own thing in the mornings.
And for those saying about baby's routine mustn't be upset (not you op) don't you ever go on holiday or stay with relatives?

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:37

Where are you getting this from, @KurriKurri?
I would hazard a guess that she doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in a room with you and your partner, I think a fourteen year old girl would find that very uncomfortable.

Of course & that would be ... all sorts of wrong for everyone.

Except she doesn't sleep in their room. She sleeps in the big hallway, so her own semi-private space. Maybe not ideal, but we can't all have big houses with enough rooms, & this space is what the sister prefers.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 10:51

She was able to go to bed at the same time as the rest of the grown ups in the home - so its not the OPs fault she was up until 4am.

Nope. She's NOT one of the grown ups. She's 14 - a minor.

No, it's certainly not the OP's fault. It is her responsibility though, & as she has stated that no one bothers about sister's sleep pattern at home, & it's now making sister miss fun teen activities like the beach & a gaming place which she is moody to have missed out on after the event ... the only way forward is to step up, take that responsibility, & help little sister organise her sleeptime more effectively.
Otherwise sister will sleep the days away & miss out on fun & bonding with her big sis.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 10:55

My 15yr old is exactly like the OPs sister. Lucky to see her before noon. So we plan stuff for afternoons after we eat lunch and she eats brunch.

I doubt she realised she had got watercolour on your sofa as she was probably trying to quickly get out of your way. So I would not wake her up to clean it, but wait until she was up to mention it to her. It’s up to you if you want her to clean it. Personally if it were my cream leather sofa I’d rather do it myself to ensure no accidental damage from using wrong cleaning product or harsh scrubber.

It’s the summer holidays so I just let my teens decide their own bedtimes.

My 17 yr old was like that but once she turned 16 and got a bakery job on weekends and a summer cleaning job she had to get up at 6am....so she’s adjusted her sleep schedule to get to work on her own. On days off, she will often be group chatting until 2am and have a lie in but I don’t mind. She’s proven she can manage her sleep herself when it matters.

Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 10:56

She doesnt have her own room here as we only have a 2 bed flat but she spends a lot of time either sat in our room doing her own thing or just watching telly

Are you not doing stuff with her? She's probably bored to tears, missing her own home and friends to hang out with. Does she even want to be staying with you? Tell her to get to bed when you are going (though not 8.30) and then wake her up around 10 and plan things to do for the day so she doesn't end up sitting around watching tv.

Original poster

jessley199327 · 04/08/2019 10:59

She's up so we can go to the park with ds. I've spoken to her about her sleeping and said I'd much rather her get a good sleep and she has a hand in what we do. Today is a little more ds focused because recently he's just been dragged round art shops ect. She said she's going to get in bed by 1am while she's here so we can spend time together. I was be totally unreasonable this morning in the wording of my post. Tiredness and a screaming teething baby probably made a problem that was very minor to one which was huge in my head. I've told her that I'm not going to act like a parent and that she can do what she wants within reason while she's with us, as long as I don't have to cope with her being moody and tearful of her own doing. She's agreed all this and we have decided to use an old blanket to sit on while painting to minimise mess.

Thank you for all the understanding and helpful replies!

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 04/08/2019 11:01

Just see you had things planned - in that case you just wake her, get her the hell up and get out for the activities you have planned for her stay.

NoLeopard · 04/08/2019 11:05

Good update jess. Enjoy today

AnnaFiveTowns · 04/08/2019 11:30

During the holidays I just leave my teen kids to go to bed and get up when they like. It's really not worth battling over and they need to learn to regulate themselves; obviously they can't do this when they're at school so holidays are a good time to practise.

I think it's very sweet that she's painting; I'd be delighted to go downstairs and find my ds painting at 4am rather than watching tv or on social media.

I think you need to cut her some slack to be to honest. When she gets up ask her to clean up the paint and tell her to be more careful in future. Then leave her to it.

Borschter · 04/08/2019 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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