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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Splitting the bills

62 replies

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 03/08/2019 23:10

Both myself and partner work, he is full time self employed, I am part time and we have 3 children under 6. I have only just recently returned to work following maternity leave with DC3 so we have been discussing how to split the bills. I think that we should put all our earned money into a pool, deduct the cost of all bills then split the remainder so we have the same amount of spending money each. OH finds this appalling and thinks as he works more then he should have a bit extra spending money. He is horrified that now I am back at work he is not much better off than when I was on maternity. Obviously I think he is being unreasonable but was wondering how others split bills with your OH, if you’re both working and have small children?

(To avoid drip feeding... he is TERRIBLE with money so we couldn’t share an account)

OP posts:

Newearringsplease · 03/08/2019 23:12

Well I've not worked for 20 years my DH earns all the money. But when I did work all money was pooled

orangesun35 · 03/08/2019 23:18

You live together, share a home children , bed etc .... just because he works more hours he wants more to spend . Just listen to it. He’s horrified he’s not better off.me me me ,it’s all about him .what a idiot why are so many men so selfish.....your right put all your money together does not matter who earns what or how many hours he works .your supposed to be a team .well not in his eyes .good luck

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2019 23:19

Like you want equal money

MeanGirls1 · 03/08/2019 23:20

Currently on maternity, me and partner share all money. We have an account each, which we get our wages paid into separately. Pretty much all bills come out of my account, but if I ever run out of money I just get him to transfer me some or log in to the account and transfer it myself. Feel as though everything we do/want individually we understand each other so therefore don't need our 'own' money, as I think it could get very messy with who's is who's and what comes out of which account e.g. takeaways, days out etc

NeverOwnAHouse · 03/08/2019 23:21

My DH and I are both self employed. When one of us has a better month than the other, that person pays 60-70% of everything and vice versa. We pool everything for bills into one and then have our own ‘spending money’ separately. Works for us and tbh we end up using each other’s spending pots when we go out/want to treat each other anyway.

If DH was being weird about putting everything into one pot I’d see a few red flags tbh! I can understand having some of your own spending money and doing what you want with it, but I can’t ever imagine being with someone so weird about it! It’s all going to the same team imo!

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMess · 03/08/2019 23:25

Ask him why he doesn't think looking after 3 DC and running the house isn't work???

Is he also taking on a share of the household tasks...

user1471590586 · 03/08/2019 23:26

I guess as you are part time you do most of the childcare/ cleaning/ cooking at home. So yes all the money should go into one pot. Just because you aren't working as much outside of the home doesn't mean you aren't doing the work in the home.

BackforGood · 03/08/2019 23:30

Like you suggest.
One pot - all money goes in, and, in the years when there was something left, we each got equal 'pocket money'.

I presume, if you have 3 young dc, when you are not at your paid employment, you are presumably looking after the dc ? Can he not do the maths that that is an equal contribution ?

Original poster

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 04/08/2019 10:40

Yes I am Mostly at home with the children (or ferrying to various activities!), deal with all the house admin, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He is so adamant that I am wrong and no one he knows shares funds. I did suggest that in that case perhaps he should go part time and I’ll go back full time but funnily enough he wasn’t keen...!

OP posts:

EL8888 · 04/08/2019 10:45

You’re right and he’s wrong. Personally l would be tempted to do things his way. But make clear he will need to pay you a decent hourly rate for the childcare, organising, cleaning etc that you do more than him. He wants it all both ways

ShanghaiDiva · 04/08/2019 10:46

We pool everything and always have done, whether I was working outside the home or not.

ThePants999 · 04/08/2019 10:48

If you're using your non working hours to provide childcare, you ARE working full time. Unless he's happy for you to invoice him for half of a childminder's rate for the time you spend on childcare, splitting the spending money is entirely fair.

FWIW, my wife is a SAHM so doesn't directly earn anything - and the way we split things, she has more spending money than I do, because she needs it more.

Seven777 · 04/08/2019 10:55

Ok, where to start. You have THREE children with this man. Not one by accident. THREE.

How can you stomach a man with the mindset that THE MOTHER OF HIS THREE CHILDREN, whose life and work circumstances have obviously changed as a result of caring for HIS THREE CHILDREN, should now live as a second class citizen to him, while his life and disposable money should sail on uninterrupted?

How is this even possible? It’s the ultimate disrespect.

I’m not one to get dramatic on these threads often, believe me, but I would have ZERO respect for a man with this mindset. It’s pathetic and utterly sickening.

You do realise any normal man wouldn’t need to be persuaded to support his family? If this is what society is coming to, I’m glad I’m 43 and missed it.

Queenioqueenio · 04/08/2019 11:00

More like he's horrified you want equal money. It’s an appalling attitude, it’s saying he doesn’t value the time you spend doing chores, housework, ferrying to activities etc. All of which contribute to to well being of his children.
I’d be tempted to go back FT and make sure chores are split 50:50.

Shelby2010 · 04/08/2019 11:06

I agree show him the costs of childcare if you went back full time & employed a cleaner a couple of times a week. Plus which days he would need to be home early to take kids to clubs & make tea.

Also, make sure that expenses for the DC come out of joint money. Too often it seems that the odd ‘bits’ that they need come out of the mum’s money because she’s the one that notices they need new socks or spots a jacket that they’ll need soon.

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2019 11:30

You need to sit down and tell him exactly what you do and if he doesn’t like it he can go part time and take a lot of it on

furrybadger · 04/08/2019 11:39

Me and my partner put a certain amount into the house bank each month to cover bills, whatever we have left is ours to spend as we please, we don’t have equal amounts but it’s not hugely different after bills, I would do that instead of splitting the money but that’s just how I find it works for me and my partner

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 11:44

It should be split.
Money into a pool. Pay the bills and split what's left.

But, and this is a big but, you BOTH have to spend on the children and children's hobbies. Otherwise what I can see happening is you'd split what's left in half, your half goes on you and 3 children and the food shop and he keeps his half for treats and spendies for himself

dudsville · 04/08/2019 11:45

We used to pay into household expenses account by percentage of earnings, this including a savings buffer for new appliances, whatever, and what we kept the tentative of our incomes which, because it was by percentage, was roughly equal. And then we both had own savings accounts too. Then we bought a house together and went 50/50. However I think when you have kids it's a different kettle of fish. Your focus is 100% family first.

Nutellaontoast19 · 04/08/2019 11:45

Go back FT and split the childcare, chores and bills!

user1471590586 · 04/08/2019 12:04

I'm a SAHM at the moment. My husband puts money into our joint account every month. He says he can't understand when people have separate money. He says the money he earns is family money, especially when you have children.

sophiestew · 04/08/2019 12:07

YANBU - he's a tight fisted wankbadger

Lazypuppy · 04/08/2019 12:40

Whose decision was it for you to be part time?

Me and my dp don't split money like you're suggesting.

I put slightly more into joint so he has enough spending money, but i have more spending money than him but i earn a lot more

Original poster

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 04/08/2019 19:11

I can sort of see why he finds it hard, the harder he works the more he earns, but then he is expected to put proportionately more into the joint account to pay bills so doesn’t get to ‘enjoy’ his money (nor do I!!).

Yes I pay for all child related outgoings, and I pay to run the family car as he has a van for work. I have now arranged for all the children’s clubs to be paid from the joint account which is why he is no better off now I’m back at work (plus childcare) but I feel this is a family cost not just down to me. He actually suggested we cancel some of the activities (the older ones only do 2/3 each so not excessive imo).

We are not talking massive amounts here if that makes a difference, neither of us are high earners. I kind of know he is unreasonable I just wondered if this really was as common as he’d like me to think

OP posts:

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