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AIBU?

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Original poster

Splitting the bills

62 replies

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 03/08/2019 23:10

Both myself and partner work, he is full time self employed, I am part time and we have 3 children under 6. I have only just recently returned to work following maternity leave with DC3 so we have been discussing how to split the bills. I think that we should put all our earned money into a pool, deduct the cost of all bills then split the remainder so we have the same amount of spending money each. OH finds this appalling and thinks as he works more then he should have a bit extra spending money. He is horrified that now I am back at work he is not much better off than when I was on maternity. Obviously I think he is being unreasonable but was wondering how others split bills with your OH, if you’re both working and have small children?

(To avoid drip feeding... he is TERRIBLE with money so we couldn’t share an account)

OP posts:
PicaK · 04/08/2019 19:15

His reaction horrifies me.

CruellaFeinberg · 04/08/2019 19:21

Are you married?

If not, get back to work and keep your financial future

Seven777 · 04/08/2019 19:22

OP, when not signe in, your last post includes a link to a Skoda car?

As for his attitude, are you not appalled? How can you have any respect for him whatsoever?

It's about as far from normal as you can get.

This man is not really viable family material, is he?

HorridHenrysNits · 04/08/2019 19:23

He's taking the absolute piss. You earn less than him because you're doing a disproportionate share of the care of your 3 children, and as a modest earner with 3 under 6 including 1 baby, I expect you're saving the family money by doing it.

This needs nipping in the bud right now. If it isn't, if he doesn't fully get it, I would not reduce my earnings with a partner who thought he was entitled to more spending money than me because more of his work was outside the home and who by the sounds of things you're not married to either.

frenchknitting · 04/08/2019 19:26

We do exactly as you suggest. We have an equal amount of "pocket money" each, and the rest is pooled for essentials, bills, holidays, savings and kids stuff.

hedgehoglurker · 04/08/2019 19:34

We pool everything. There is no "mine and yours"; it is all "ours". No equal spending needed as we are a family. My husband earns considerably more than me but values my contribution as more for looking after our family and working part-time.

IRememberSoIDo · 04/08/2019 19:34

I earn twice what dh earns as he changed career a couple of years ago and has had to go back to the start so to speak. We have one account and both spend at will. There have been times I've earned more and times he has. Never once has either of us said I'm currently earning more so taking more.

HorridHenrysNits · 04/08/2019 19:41

When you say you pay for all child related outgoings OP, do you mean that isn't accounted for from the joint account? Because if so that's another red flag.

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/08/2019 19:42

We do exactly as you are proposing OP. I am the higher earner so it's me that "loses" with our arrangement but I wouldn't do it any other way because we are equal members of a team and neither of us "deserves" more spending money than the other.

SunniDay · 04/08/2019 19:57

Show him how the numbers work out if you both go full time but use paid childcare (which you will split 50:50) I expect that would result in less money for all?

The only problem I can see with your original plan is that it's very difficult to plan for all expenses: from a school camp/ a tile falling off the roof to the cat getting run over etc so I would suggest you pool all the money and leave it pooled except a bit of "spends" each.

It might help to work out a budget where you try to include everything - and don't forget now and then things like birthdays, holidays, Christmas, white goods breaking, car repairs.

The reality for many of us is that there isn't a fat lot left after you budget for everything and if that is the case for you then your husband needs to face it. Of course choices can be made - an extra £300 a month to spend if you don't go on holiday perhaps (calculated on 2 weeks abroad) or an extra £200 each month to spend if you don't go abroad but go cheaply in the UK. But together you need to work out what are the priorities for your family. Get your husband's input on how you want to spend your family's money by working your spreadsheet out together.

He is unlikely to have the same amount of personal spends that he used to. I like the fridge magnet saying "Fathers (or a less sexist "parents") carry photos where their money used to be!"

KylieKoKo · 04/08/2019 19:57

Go with his idea and then charge him market rate for childcare when hes working. It's only fair...

CherryPavlova · 04/08/2019 20:01

You’re meant to be a partnership. An equal partnership as a basis for a family. Of course, you both work equally but in different ways. Your money should be pooled and any remaining money shared equally.

EKGEMS · 04/08/2019 20:04

"He works hard" Well I'd wager a bet you work harder!

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 04/08/2019 20:53

Why not both put an equal amount in to cover the bills and whatever is left is yours?

Alternatively, split certain bills and take responsibility for them.

Not every couple has to pool their finances, many successful relationships involve people just splitting costs equally. Any extra cost can be decided amongst yourselves.

Shelby2010 · 04/08/2019 20:54

I can’t understand men (or women!) like this who don’t want to share with their partner. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone that selfish that he would begrudge his kids a few activities.

BearRabbitPants · 04/08/2019 21:03

He sounds like an absolute selfish cunt and that's me being nice about it.
DH &I have a joint bank acc all money goes in to it all bills come out of it & if we want anything , want to go out for the evening etc it just comes out of the money left over! There's no 'your money' or 'my money' it's OUR money. We have 2 DC under age 4 and are married, I work part time but like you also currently on mat leave.
I couldn't be with someone who's so tight & won't share. Been there done that and it destroyed the relationship because of resentment I felt.

wineandsunshine · 04/08/2019 21:03

FWIW we don't pool our money - DH pays everything except food and my own bills such as phone bill. He is the higher earner.

I don't think there is any need to but he needs to accept if he's taking more income home than you, then a higher proportion of his wage should be used to pay bills!

AllFourOfThem · 04/08/2019 21:06

It should be pooled equally.

Otherwise, you should go to work full time and then you can share the additional costs of nursery and before/after school clubs as well as the children’s activities. You can also share the costs of a cleaner, gardener, laundry/ironing person and anybody else who needs to be employed to cover what you do in the house.

tigger001 · 04/08/2019 21:14

It should definitely be pooled and split equally.
You should have the same amount of disposable income to spend as you see fit. He is wrong.

Original poster
Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 04/08/2019 23:02

@FifteenYemenRoadYemen if we put in equal amounts (ie half the cost of all bills) then I would be left with nothing at all.

I would obviously much prefer to have all our finances in one place and share everything but he is terrible with money so would spend every penny of it on crap.

Thanks for all your replies, we have sat and gone through it again and he is sulking. I did suggest another alternative that he moves out and pays all his own bills plus child maintenance Blush

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 04/08/2019 23:12

Wow. What a twat he is. Go with him moving out and paying maintenance. Though he’d probably go self employed to avoid paying.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 04/08/2019 23:31

In that instance I would suggest taking over responsibility for certain bills, he would have to take on more as he earns more, you take on the bills you can and then whatever is left is for each of you.

Split the bills in accordance to affordability and earnings.

MostlyHappyMummy · 04/08/2019 23:36

I did suggest another alternative that he moves out and pays all his own bills plus child maintenance

Not a bad idea.

TwistyTop · 04/08/2019 23:36

Tell him you'll go back full-time then because you want the money, and then show him the cost of a childminder and cleaner.

timeisnotaline · 04/08/2019 23:41

I did suggest another alternative that he moves out and pays all his own bills plus child maintenance blush
That’s the only acceptable alternative. Or, given he doesn’t think the weekdays you don’t work count as a family contribution, perhaps you could split everything proportionately, and THEN he pays childcare for those days as he doesn’t think joint budget should count them. He will be worse off than pooling it I expect, which sounds fair to me. Asshole tax Smile

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