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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go to this wedding because I'm fat.

76 replies

Lily2811 · 03/08/2019 12:23

Wedding next weekend. Don't know that many people going. Partners friends. I don't want to go because I'm overweight and everything looks awful on me at the moment. I know I will spend the whole time feeling self conscious and uncomfortable. Aibu to just not go?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 03/08/2019 21:34

Op they'll be too busy enjoying the wedding. They won't be staring at random strangers.

They won't be able to fill a single place this late in the day, and they won't be se to cancel your meal and redo the tables. So if you go at least accept that, and if DH is with other couples he's more likely to spend the evening explaining why he's alone than explaining why his wife isn't a size 6.

I second somewhere like Yours or Simply Be etc. What size are you anyway?

Littlepond · 03/08/2019 21:35

I get it OP. I’m fat too and I’ve avoided things because of it. So I don’t think you are unreasonable at all.
However, i got to a point where I had to ask myself, am I never gonna go out again?! And I realised I needed to a) lose weight or b) be ok with who I am.
What do you want to do going forward?

OwlinaTree · 03/08/2019 21:36

Your partner chose you and loves you. So go!

TwoPupsandaHamster · 03/08/2019 21:37

I feel exactly the same OP. I have gained a load of weight over the past year. We have been invited to cousins wedding next weekend. DD is to be bridesmaid so I guess it's not something I can bow out of gracefully. I have spent months looking for something to wear that will hide the bulges. Today I came across a dress that doesn't look (too) bad. Now I have no idea what colour/style jacket, shoes and fascinator to wear with it. I'm not usually a dressy up type person, especially now that nothing looks good on me.

This is causing me a lot of stress. I've decided I hate weddings 😢

Aikaterina · 03/08/2019 21:38

No one except you cares about your weight. It makes me sad to read your posts as you’ve so obviously been conditioned to believe that only slim people deserve to have a good time and feel good about themselves.

Don’t waste your life worrying about what you look like. You’ll regret it. It really doesn’t matter.

PeoniesarePink · 03/08/2019 21:42

Being honest OP most people are going to looking at and bitching about what the Bride is wearing..... not the guests.

You're placing way too much importance on yourself, and I don't mean that nastily.

OwlinaTree · 03/08/2019 21:44

I'm on holiday at the moment, everyone in swimwear, nowhere to hide. There are absolutely all sizes here, and I've not seen any female body that looks model perfect except maybe the odd teenager. In fact, most of us are way away from it but who cares? This isn't the telly or Hollywood, it's real life.

There will be loads of women going to this wedding sitting at home thinking 'oh what shall wear?' and all of them will look fab. Just go and have fun with your partner.

KarmaStar · 03/08/2019 21:46

Another "Go!" Here op.
everyone will be focused on the wedding party.
Go with your do and enjoy yourself,just be the person your do fell in love with and his friends will welcome you and make you feel relaxed,you won't be identified as the fat girl in the corner at all!
More like"wow xxxxx's dp is fantastic,confident,stunning,witty and great company"
Plus you'd like your dp to accompany you if it were your friends wedding so be there for him too.
Have a lovely time

OwlinaTree · 03/08/2019 21:46

Posted too soon... And you will look fab too. Good luck op, go for it!

KarmaStar · 03/08/2019 21:46

Dp not do!!☺

SusieOwl4 · 03/08/2019 21:47

I know how you feel - but your partner loves you and there are some lovely dresses out there . You only get one life - go and live it .

My niece who is very ill and suffers every day and has weight problems and is in constant pain has dragged herself out tonight to a party .

you can do it.

Thehop · 03/08/2019 21:48

I’m already wondering what illness I can use to get out of a wedding next week becaus I’m so humongous and ashamed. I feel you.

Crunched · 03/08/2019 21:53

Your partner chose you and loves you. So go!
If you were saying your much loved DP was refusing to attend an, already accepted, event because he felt unattractive the consensus on here would be that he was unreasonable.
You are letting him down.

Beamur · 03/08/2019 21:58

Please go.
Get yourself something to wear that you feel comfortable in. Have a nice time!

Tootytata · 03/08/2019 22:09

OP what dress size and shape are you? Maybe fellow mumsnetters can offer dress suggestions for you to try?

I gained 4st during my second pregnancy and I'm now a size 18. Probably doesn't sound huge but I definitely feel bigger. I've been recommended Style By Susie where they do a style and colour analysis for you. They tell you what colours of clothes suit you and what cut of clothes gives you the best shape etc. I'm going to do this in September.

I've been where you are mentally in my 20s. Now that I'm late 30s I care a bit less about what others think. What matters to me is what I think (and maybe DH!).

The PP who said you have two options is correct. You either accept your physical self or you lose weight. You have DH who loves you for who you are. Attend this wedding with him and have a great time together!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/08/2019 22:13

Most people only care how fat they look themselves and don't register other people. Do you care how fat other people are or do you reserve all the shame and judgement for yourself? I know I do the latter.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 03/08/2019 22:18

Foslady · 03/08/2019 22:23

@Lily2811 I promise you no one will think like that - at least a no normal people Ij know do.
I totally get where hair are coming from - really I do - I’m 3 stone heavier than I should be and I can’t seem to shift it no matter how many steps a day I do. I struggle with clothes - I feel a mess in everything when I used to be so slim and could chuck on any with a pair of heels and felt confident. My dd is now the willowy young thing I once was and I am just another fat mum.
But this last year has been crunch time. I lost two people I was close to, one very close to and then I had a cancer scare. I know by being a shell of myself I am letting them down, dd and my partner down but most of all me down. Even if you are struggling with the person in the mirror, be proud of the person inside because that’s who people are bothered about.
People are like gifts. Would you rather have a diamond in a carrier bag or a scrubbing brush in a Tiffany box with a blue ribbon round it?

Foslady · 03/08/2019 22:24

D’oh - where you are coming from!

Original poster

Lily2811 · 03/08/2019 22:28

Have messaged the bride to let her know I can't come. Told her I haven't been well. She was fine with it. Feel better without the worry of attending now. I'm sure I'll enjoy the pictures.

OP posts:

Sorryisntgoodenough · 03/08/2019 22:29

knowing everyone's thinking "who's that fat girl in the corner?" why is she here?

People don’t think about you even half as much as YOU think they do.
Not meaning this unkindly BUT people have other things going on in their lives, they won’t be giving headspace to some random stranger at a wedding. The only person I think about from a wedding we went to was because she got my name wrong- I met her husband 20 mins later and he commented that he wouldn’t forget my name ......because that was his wife’s name! 😂

But I see you are not going. I trust you have declined in time for the couple to not have to pay for you- if not, that will be the thing remembered about you.

he'll be fine. All his (slim) friends are going
But maybe he wanted to go with YOU.
Presumably at this point he already knows your aren’t as slim as his friends but loves you anyway.
Start loving you as he loves you

BackforGood · 03/08/2019 22:37

Nobody will be thinking that.

How sad that you have such poor self esteem that you somehow think that is the case.

Does the fact that your partner loves you, and would like you to go out with him mean nothing ?

RedSheep73 · 03/08/2019 23:04

They haven't invited you to look at you and judge, have they? How rude is it to stand someone up just because you think you don't look good. Literally millions of us are overweight. That doesn't mean we should stay indoors and hide. Find something nice that fits, tart yourself up and get on with it. Life isn't all about how you look, we're all getting older every day and we need to get out there and live our lives whatever size we are.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/08/2019 23:09

Well op it's your choice, of course you're entitled to nevereave the house again, to never go out with your husband in case people look at you. But bloody hell it's a miserable life

Oranginna · 03/08/2019 23:18

Please don't put your life on hold because you're overweight OP. I bet you look lovely. I can think of loads of gorgeous actresses, comedians and singers that are obese. Do you think they wouldn't go to a wedding? And have a bloody good time. Even if you do miss this wedding, get yourself a flattering dress so you're ready for the next event.
You sound rather depressed. Would you consider going to your GP to discuss your mental health? Wishing you all the best OP.

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