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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think the nursery were unfair with this?

66 replies

Potaatos · 03/08/2019 07:55

Please tell me if IABU about this as I think I can be quite sensitive where my DS is involved. This is also probably going to be very outing but I need opinions on this.

DS is currently waiting for an autism assessment but most of the professionals he has seen have said they would be surprised if he wasn't diagnosed with it, so we pretty much know, we're just waiting for the official diagnosis.

They are a term time preschool and on the last day of term (a day DS was booked in for already) the preschool asked him not to attend as they were having a leavers party for the older children and parents were invited and they felt DS would 'freak out'. I had already paid for the session and wasn't offered a different day to bring him or money back or anything. I understand you pay to secure their place but feel its a bit cheeky when they are the ones asking me not to bring him. I also felt that my DS was being excluded.
This isn't the first time I have felt they have excluded DS. The pre school won't have him for more than 2 hours a session as they say he can't handle it which I appreciate as I know how difficult he can be, but in the 6 months he has been there the time hasn't been extended from 2 hours.
My DP thinks we should look for a new place to send DS but I'm not sure if it's going to be like this everywhere because of DS's SEN?

OP posts:

multiplemum3 · 03/08/2019 07:56

Sounds horrible and I'm sorry you're going through this. But, would he freak out at it and distress him unnecessarily?

RicStar · 03/08/2019 07:59

I think they should give you a credit yes. I think whether on not another nursery will be better depends on your sons sen. If he really cant cope with the sessions for longer then he cant - it is not like school where he has to get an education.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 07:59

Yes I think they should try and offer you another session (though maybe they were all full?) I don’t think you’re being over sensitive, I imagine it’s heartbreaking to see your DC be the only one excluded.

I know nothing about SEN but I would be looking for another nursery. I don’t know how you manage with them only doing 2 hours at a time. I hope you all get the support you need

IVEgottheDECAF · 03/08/2019 08:01

They should have refunded the fees or provided care away from all the things which may distress him

How would he cope with being moved to a new preschool?

Have you spoken with the current preschool about his SEN?

Original poster

Potaatos · 03/08/2019 08:01

Yes sorry I should have added this, DS most likely wouldn't handle the change in routine well. I don't think he would 'freak out' as such, he would most likely not sit down in the circle with everyone and do a lot of running around/ getting into everything that's tidied away. He would need someone one on one with him and I appreciate it would likely be difficult and disruptive for them so I do understand why they asked for him not to come. It's just upsetting as no one likes to see their children be left out. I think I just wish they could have put a better plan in place for DS, like perhaps someone who could be with him one to one (I know this is not always possible as staff are stretched) or maybe an activity left out for him to get on with if he didn't want to be in the big group. I don't know, maybe I am expecting too much.

OP posts:

Chocolatedaim · 03/08/2019 08:02

Ultimately they aren’t meeting his needs so he isn’t going to thrive there.
There are plenty of other wonderful nurseries that can care for children on the spectrum. I know it’s a lot to do, but I would be looking elsewhere.
Sorry for you and your Ds. The nursery sound really uncaring.

IVEgottheDECAF · 03/08/2019 08:02

You are not expecting too much op

thewinkingprawn · 03/08/2019 08:02

I think they are probably trying to act in your sons best interests although they should probably offer you a credit and discuss whether it is the right environment for him. It sounds to me like you ought to look for a more specialist environment for him where he can be included in all sessions.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/08/2019 08:04

You should have been offered an alternative/refund. It doesn’t sound like their very adept at coping with special needs. Maybe start looking at other options and plan a transition.

Original poster

Potaatos · 03/08/2019 08:04

The reason I am reluctant to move him is that he has bonded so well with one of the ladies there and I don't want to take that away from him. I don't want to disrupt him even further by changing his preschool if he is happy there and it's just me who isn't happy with it but at the same time I'd like for him to be able to do longer than 2 hours or at least have some sort of plan in place to work towards this. I have also thought a nursery may be better for his needs.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 03/08/2019 08:06

Most children in nurseries struggle with sitting down the staff should be used to dealing with this and him getting a case of the zoomies it totally manageable even getting into stuff he shouldn't it seems like a total mismatch I would ask them for the money back for the session and find another setting

1stmonkey · 03/08/2019 08:07

Yes, unreasonable they have effectively cancelled a childcare session because they can't cope.
Perfectly reasonable for you to look for a setting that can make provision for your DC. I would be making a formal complaint to nursery management.

ThisIsNotAIBUPeople · 03/08/2019 08:08

What Testing said. I'd be offended if they actually used the term 'freak out', highly unprofessional and unsupportive of his additional needs. I would also be looking for another nursery and asking lots of questions about their provision for special needs. Good luck OP

widget2015 · 03/08/2019 08:10

Have the nursery talked to the LA about getting him some extra support? Or had a discussion about how they can support his needs? If they are being supportive and you think they will support you through the echp process I might stick with it.

jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2019 08:11

Replace autism with “my child is a wheelchair user and was asked not to come because the games aren’t wheelchair friendly”. It’s discrimination dressed up as concern for your child - I’d be arranging to meet the nursery manager, ask her what plans are in place to ensure your child is able to access all of the nursery provision (including trips and parties), and ask for the list session fee to be refunded.

It would be different if you asked for your child to miss the session because he was anxious but they basically decided that your son’s needs were too much based on them not wanting to deal with a meltdown, putting strategies in place ahead of tune in discussion with you would have been a more appropriate way to go.

Original poster

Potaatos · 03/08/2019 08:12

It was the manager who asked me not to bring him and the term 'freak out' was used which did bother me a bit but I didn't think it was meant in a hurtful way. Just a bit insensitive.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 03/08/2019 08:15

They are not excluding him to punish him, they are suggesting doing so because they feel it will be an unpleasant experience for him. I think it is responsible of them to bring this up with you. If you think your child will cope fine and not be upset, then discuss it with them and see what measures can be put in place to reduce his stress levels.

If they have a point, why would you want to put your child through it if it can be avoided?

TwinMumSuperHero · 03/08/2019 08:15

Another vote for new setting (or meeting with SENCo of current setting) - if they truly can't cope with your DS and support him with the current level of staffing and training, then they need to be thinking about applying for funding for extra staff/resources (when I started Mat leave, it was called higher needs funding - possibly a different name now) and/or an EHCP (Education, health and care plan). If they don't think this is necessary then they should be able to support him for the full session. It's a really tricky one but only having him for 2 hours and excluding him from events is not the answer.

IVEgottheDECAF · 03/08/2019 08:15

What do they actually do for him in terms of SEN support?

Chocolatedaim · 03/08/2019 08:17

It just shows that they aren’t really trained to help children on the spectrum.
If she had said to you something along the lines of ‘we are having an end of year party and I think DS May find this overwhelming would you mind if he doesn’t attend, or perhaps stays with his key worker elsewhere...’ that would be different but to charge you for a childcare session that they didn’t provide (or had no intention of providing) seems very wrong.

There are plenty of free resources for childcare settings, I appreciate your DS hasn’t been statemented yet so they won’t have any extra funding for caring for him, but they will have access to resources from the LEA. They could be doing more after all this time.

Soontobe60 · 03/08/2019 08:18

For those saying they should provide a 1:1 for him, this is not a school nursery, and I'm assuming he doesn't have an EHCP with associated funding. ultimately it's a business that needs to run at least at a small profit. Thenstaff to child ratio will have to be taken in to account and if he needs 1:1 this will cost significantly more than the usual ratio.
However, I agree that the OP should have her fee for that session refunded. I also think she needs to look at getting some funding to help support him. He may need this when he goes to school, starting the process now will save a great deal of stress. Primarily, if he has an EHCP in place it will name a school.

BubbleBathLover · 03/08/2019 08:19

As a teacher (who has recent years experience working within an ASN environment) I don’t think the nursery are being fair. Part of the nursery’s job is to support your son and help him develop and by restricting him to 2 hours a session each time and not allowing for any progression doesn’t seem right. How will he learn to cope with long school hours if they don’t start to help him develop now? Also with the end of term party, I understand that they think it may be too much stimulus and change for him but they should be giving alternatives for him, not that he shouldn’t attend that day.

jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2019 08:20

I don’t know where you are OP, but I’d be complaining to their inspection body - in Scotland it would be the care inspectorate. They are offering a preschool service but want to exclude children who might have challenging behaviour for whatever reason, the managers attitude is appalling.

If you decide to keep him there I’d be asking how they are going to work with you help him cope with longer days - he’ll be in school for more than 2 hours and will need to cope/be supported to cope so they should be trying different strategies now. In your shoes I’d be furious that my child was being discriminated against, not apologising for being over sensitive.

seeyounexttime · 03/08/2019 08:20

It's up to them to accommodate him and meet his needs, not exclude him. The language they've used really shows a lack of tact and understanding. I'd be very unhappy with that. They could have spoken to you about it, explained it would be different and that they were concerned how your DS would manage but what they've said is awful.

VashtaNerada · 03/08/2019 08:20

No that doesn’t sound right at all. A discussion with you about the best way for him to enjoy the session would be much more appropriate, with not attending as an option but I would have thought that would ultimately be your decision. Did they actually use the words “freak out”?

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