AIBU to think the nursery were unfair with this?

[Potaatos]

Please tell me if IABU about this as I think I can be quite sensitive where my DS is involved. This is also probably going to be very outing but I need opinions on this.

DS is currently waiting for an autism assessment but most of the professionals he has seen have said they would be surprised if he wasn't diagnosed with it, so we pretty much know, we're just waiting for the official diagnosis.

They are a term time preschool and on the last day of term (a day DS was booked in for already) the preschool asked him not to attend as they were having a leavers party for the older children and parents were invited and they felt DS would 'freak out'. I had already paid for the session and wasn't offered a different day to bring him or money back or anything. I understand you pay to secure their place but feel its a bit cheeky when they are the ones asking me not to bring him. I also felt that my DS was being excluded.
This isn't the first time I have felt they have excluded DS. The pre school won't have him for more than 2 hours a session as they say he can't handle it which I appreciate as I know how difficult he can be, but in the 6 months he has been there the time hasn't been extended from 2 hours.
My DP thinks we should look for a new place to send DS but I'm not sure if it's going to be like this everywhere because of DS's SEN?

I mean this kindly, but I think you're expecting too much from the nursery. It doesn't sound like they have enough resources or experience to meet his needs. If the change means he will need 1:1 and be unable to sit in the circle for the event, wouldn't that disrupt it and be unfair on the other children? The staff need to keep all the children calm so if one is distressed by the routine changing it may cause chaos amongst the others

So one should be discriminated against because they don't make provision?

Not on OP, I'm really sorry they did this.

without his diagnosis I don't think he is entitled to any funding yet
This is not true. What is the senco saying?
What support is the setting putting in place?
Have they been working with professionals for advice in how best to support him?
I work in a mainstream term time preschool, where we have several children that require additional support - some who have inclusion funding, some who don't. Some have had very high needs requiring 1-1 support and others have needed 1-1 at particular times (mat time, transitions). In order to support these children we apply for any additional funding available (there are some, that can be available dependant on certain factors), have a fantastic senco and access training. We work closely with the parents and professionals and as a team to try and help these children and their families, especially in trying to access support for school and transition.
There are some mainstream early years settings that are inclusive and can work very well for some children with additional needs, others that don't have the experience and don't have the ethos needed to be inclusive. I hope you can find one that will be as supportive as possible for your ds.

you are not expecting too much.I have two older children with asd; both those children went to nursery and childminders because I worked. Both went for proper nursery sessions. They may have been a handful for staff but it is up to the pre school to ask for support for him from the LA. You are doing your bit by going for diagnosis. It isn't true that you won't get an EHCP without a diagnosis you absolutely can and it sounds like you have plenty of evidence via the pre school that he needs 1:1 support. If you are going to stay there, apply for the EHCP, ask for a meeting and invite the LA Early years person or SEN inclusion person to come too. If they need 1:1 to enable him to attend for a full session then they need to apply for it. They are as another poster said excluding him under the guise of saying he won't cope. He won't cope unless they put things in place to help. That is their responsibility.

Thank you everyone for all your great advice. I didn't know that about the funding so thanks for telling me, I will look into applying and will ask the preschool for a meeting when term starts again to discuss this.
I'm struggling to know how to word it but I basically want to ask them if they can cope with DS and begin extending his sessions and provide care for him or not. If they can't I'd like to know so I can look for somewhere else.

Is this a private or pre school nursery? It’s absolutely unacceptable to exclude him both legally and morally. They need to make reasonable adjustments to help him cope be it putting on another member of staff or asking you to stay to help him feel safe.

My 7 year old has autism and ADHD and his first school excluded him from things as they assumed he wouldn’t cope. He actually would have loved it but wasn’t given the chance. I removed him from the school and placed him in one 6 weeks after he started P1. The education board told me this could take 8 weeks to complete and I told them if it did they would have a discrimination case on there hands which I would take through the legal channels then proceeded to send them the complaint letter I had sent to my sons school citing all the laws and exactly where they had discriminated against him. The education board cleared his move to another mainstream school that could support his need within 48 hours (I knew they had a space as I had spoken to the head mistress). It was the best move I made as he is now fully supported, included and progressing at a fantastic rate plus included fully. If you are unhappy sort it out fast as it will have a major impact on your child if not.

wouldn't that disrupt it and be unfair on the other children? The staff need to keep all the children calm so if one is distressed by the routine changing it may cause chaos amongst the others
Children can cause chaos, get distressed and be "disruptive" for all sorts of reasons...whether they have additional needs or not! A good early years setting should be able to cope with this.
To exclude one child because of their additional needs is discrimination.

My twins have ASD and their nursery would never do this. They had a leavers session for the preschool kids recently and they knew my boys would struggle to sit down with the other kids so they got them some snacks to sit with. And if they had run around instead of sitting it wouldn’t be the end of the world (and I doubt they’d be the only ones)

I would apply for an EHCP now yourself

It doesn't sound like this setting is able to meet his needs. He will be on a 1:8 ratio, and if he realistically needs 1:1 and they can't provide that, I would move him to somewhere else.

As a priority if he needs one to one support, you need him in a nursery that will support you and him with his SEN and be on the ball with paperwork (EHCP) to allow him to receive the funding for this as he moves into school. We have children in school whose parents sometimes prefer their child to miss these sessions as they are overwhelming for the child and the parents can feel uncomfortable and other parents around. However this is only ever if a parent has asked for this. I would make it clear to the nursery that they are discriminating on the basis of your sons SEN and at his termly review (which should be at least termly to review targets and progress) discuss the plan for upping his hours. In school we have sometimes had children who are part time for a short time while staffing etc is moved to allow them the support they need but ultimately your son should be able to access their offer and if that is 3 hours and you want to make use of it, they cannot stop you.

Hello @hazeyjane and @cansu it's nice to see you. I used to be firsttimer and we had a great mutual support board on the special needs board when our children were smaller. This thread reminded me so strongly of that early time.
OP - we've been through this. Getting nursery to state they cant cope eont make provision will feel awful but is actually great as it helps you build a case funding is needed. It can and should be better than this. Your child has the same rights as others so accommodation must be made for their disability, they arent allowed to just shrug and exclude cos it's too hard.

I have just discussed it with DP and we are going to speak to the manager when term starts again and ask what their plan for him is, discuss funding etc and see if it seems like things will change. In the meantime we are going to look at different nurseries to see if there's somewhere that will be able to accommodate DS. As much as I can understand they struggle with supporting DS due to lack of funding and staff, I just don't think I can watch DS not be treated the same or have opportunities not extended to him because he's 'too difficult'. So hopefully we will make some progress. Thank you everyone for your help and your replies. It's been very touching to read messages of support and to know I'm not overreacting.

It really sounds like the manager doesnt quite understand her responsibilities in terms of individual care planning. I really thi k it woyld bev best for her, you, your son and any future similar children if you contact the care inspectorate/CQC so that the manager can be provided with the appropriate guidance

Sorry about all the typos, i was making a very poor attempt at multitasking! Im sure you understand what i meant though

How old is your DS? And have you looked at a smaller setting for eg a childminder with SEN experience?.
My son struggled with nurseries, would never sit in that bloody circle! Sent him to a smaller setting ( 10 children ) at a childminder who had an assistant and it made such a big change.

Wow! How lovely to see you again lasttimeround...it is a long time since the 'rocky road to diagnosis' threads on the sn boards. It's a lot quieter there nowadays.

OP, good luck with getting better support in place.

If you are in the UK it is illegal for them to deny him access to their services based on SEND